Trying to come to terms with something that took place in my neighborhood.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I never had to deal with suicide directly in my family or friends. It must be terrible for your neighbors, regardless if they knew he had a problem or not.

It´s great that you give fatherly advice to other kids. My father is like you described yourself. Everyone of my friends were lucky to see him and they listened to what he said. I try to be like this, too. I think it also has to do that you are not the father of the kid and so they can easier see you as their older brother or friend and listen to their advice more active. For example, my father would sharpen the knife´s of my friends gladly but said strong words about how to use a knife and what never to do with it and to respect it and use it wise (in other words, be carefull and aware using a knife) so they always got wise advice and never once I can remember that someone hurt himself or other ones.

I drift away. However, I recently was honored with this picture at the end of this post. I feel like I should hand it out to you because of your actions guiding young people with advice.

Its yours, pay it forward


I asked an admin to delete this picture in the thread were I got it so you are the only one with it . Kind of symbolism.

There is so much suffering, so much violence and death caused by the hands of adults, that children (being sensitive observers) can't help but feel the effects. All this bad energy floating around - I feel it too - it weighs more on kids' minds than I believe is generally acknowledged. We must lead by example, we can't just tell children that violence is wrong and then expect them to glorify Soldier Uncle Mike or whoever, or daddy beating up mommy when it contradicts the prescribed values. I am always on my best behavior in the presence of children for this reason, so that they may experience only positive things and develop healthily. I am sorry about your neighbor and hope nobody else has to deal with things like this.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I've had two friends committed suicide.
Another one who attempted to commit suicide that we drove to his house to stop him from jumping off a tree with a rope around his neck.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do about it. And you just have to move on with your life.
If you feel that it bothers you and you can't deal with it. Go out and speak to someone about it.
Just speaking about it can help you cope.
Don't let it boil up inside of you. Let it out.

Well, at least they're free from this place.

I'm terribly sorry you had to experience this so close to home. My own father took his life in 2007.

That said...

I think parents spend too much time parenting and not enough time being a friend. I was bullied in school long before anyone cared about bullying. I don't mean lightly, either. I was bullied to a point of absolute horror at the thought of stepping into that school building every day. I was in FOURTH GRADE and this one, horrible, despicable boy said some of the worst things to me that I have been called to this day.

I finally shared with my parents, the response? "Buck up, talk back, none of that stuff is true". The things he said to me made me look at myself differently in the mirror. I remember the day, staring in the mirror, and saying "Maybe he's right".

I spiraled down into the sadness of that, I begged and pleaded with my parents to change my school or homeschool me. It took a couple of years but they finally agreed to home school me and let me tell you that was the greatest day of my life.

The things is though, they didn't listen to me. Everyone has a line, a "something" that they just can't deal with. For some people, it's the loss of a child that will put you in the bathroom with a razor blade, for some people it's the loss of everything you knew to substance abuse, and for some sweet young children it's the bully who calls you names you don't even understand yet.

I don't know what was going on with this boy, I don't begin to assume...but I will say...how many times do we hear "This generation is spoiled" "Kids these days are so entitled" "The world isn't full of possibilities like it used to be" "What are you going to do with that Philosophy degree anyway"

It's not pleasant...I remember how full of hope and opportunity I felt when I was this boys age, and dealing with how everyone looks at that generation now might have just put me over the edge along with that bully in school.

Just my .02

Love Val

My uncle blew his head off when I was a kid because he was dying of lung cancer. He layed plastic on the bed. A gal I dated in high school hung herself in the early 90's. My best friend's sister hung herself around the same time. They found the receipt for the rope. It was purchased over a year before. His father found a suicide note and refused to show it to my friend or his mother.

If that was not enough negativity, A friend of mine blew his head off 2 years ago because his condo was being foreclosed on. My other friend found him. They were best friends. Then, 1 year ago, a kid my son played baseball with had a 14 year old sister who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, you guys may have heard about it.

I just don't get it. I am really sorry to hear about your neighbor. It's a brutal world, stay positive. ~$heopleNation

When I was around that age, 9-10 years ago, I can remember vividly encountering the thought that life was pointless when I first began to realize I had been lied to my whole life about everything. Everything.

Not to the point of suicide but it was something I was aware of as a means of permanent escape.
Of course I would never go through with that because I was too strong to give up and I ended up leaving everyone who lied to me.

I'm sorry for this kid, he was aware of suicide, but i'm sure he didn't understand the repercussions.

Something bothered him enough that he figured the problem would follow him anywhere he went on the Planet.

Children deal with a lot these days. Many things that parents don't understand. Especially older parents. There could have been problems at school and/or with his family, or cyber bullying. Also when we were kids there was no talk about climate change, 2012, or facebook. People always thought my step father was the nicest person ever who would help neighbors often, but had no idea the monster he was at home. He was an alcoholic who would hit my mom often (punch her like a man) and control her in every way. I was a straight A student but was always bullied everyday for trying to be a good student. Also we were poor. I hated my life. I tried taking my life starting at 11. Now I'm 28 and happier than ever with my great husband and children. Glad I didn't suceed at my attempts.

When the time is right.. and it WILL present itself.. speak to the family. SO many folks act like the parents of a suicide are contagious or something. Be there.. work out your own feelings by understanding theirs.

That said.. and I NEVER speak about this.... I was living with my uncle and aunt for a summer of fun. About half way through my cousin and I were outside and when we came back in my uncle had blown his brains out in the kitchen. We were terrified and traumatized. Didnt know what to do and that was way before there was a "call 911". We were both 11 yrs old. He went to his dad and touched his foot and I ran for the phone. I called the sheriff and waited. He kept touching his dad and crying and wailing. A horrible sound I will never forget. My aunt was at a bingo thing. The sheriff came and then the van. We were taken to the police station and waitied for my aunt. It was a horrific sight I have neer been able to forget.. that or the way he was touching his dad and screaming. WHen he turned 22 he had a wife, baby and killed himself. Same way as his dad and his wife found him. NO ONE would act decent to my aunt or his wife. They avoided them and acted like they had a disease. It got so bad my aunt and her sons wife got together and moved together and lived together for a long time in another town.

The stigma of a suicide is not as bad as it used to be. Because folks dont understand it they wll attribute it to your friends being bad parents and all kinds of weird things. Be there for them. Combat what people say or stupid stories in the news with not abandoning them. You can work your own feelings out by being a good friend and a support to them.

Yeah, after my Dad's suicide no one talked about it. It is still like the elephant in the room.. when I meet someone and explain who I am it's always "OH....you are....-his- daughter...."

I was at a dinner party about a year ago and met a woman older than me and we were watching my son play and laughing. She started talking about her son and that he had killed himself and was surprisingly open about it, it wasn't a pretty story and she was there when it happened. I started talking about my father which I rarely get to do, and I am also very open and calm about it. Some time had passed for both of us since the incidents, but the previous poster is absolutely right. The time WILL come when you can talk to them about it.

reply to post by Qumulys

But some kid out there will be reading this thread and that kids life will be saved.

Very wise words indeed...

reply to post by ValentineWiggin

Obviously I have no way of knowing if this avatar pic is of you, but if it is;

I sense that you have the capacity to bring positive things into many lives. This is only from the picture and not the posts. I wish you much strength and great comfort in this task, whatever it may be...

My wife and I have been through similar struggles. She has lost both of her parents to suicide recently.

Her father hung himself about 3 1/2 years ago. He lost a battle to Oxy addiction and was in a very hopeless place after he spent all of his retirement plan in 6 months.

We helped her mother for the next 2 1/2 years by taking her in and introducing her to narcotics anonymous. She was using behind our backs and finally chose that she could not live without her husband. She od'd on morphine pills 3 months before our wedding, my wife finding her.

I don't think you ever "get over" a suicide. The feelings will fade at times, and then quickly be brought crashing back in. The struggle for me were the questions playing in my head, "Could I have done something" etc.. I came to the realization that was a choice made by that person and not a reflection of me our my relationship with that person. They were in a place that they either felt hopeless or chose not to fight the situation anymore.

If I can just pose a question for people who are considering leaving us. How do you want to be remembered? I know that my in-laws wouldn't like how their passing was handled. I'm sure they want to be remembered as a good husband/wife/father /mother etc.. Instead they are rarely talked about because it's uncomfortable for people to bring up.

My advice to you OP is to go over, visit with your neighbors. Heck, maybe even have a few drinks on the porch. Then, with your neighbors, cry your eyes out. It will let them get it out and not feel ashamed for their son's decision. They will also know that you are available if/when they need to talk again.

Fell free to message me if you have any questions and I wish you and all involved my heartfelt sympathies.

Originally posted by visualmiscreant
reply to post by ValentineWiggin

 

Obviously I have no way of knowing if this avatar pic is of you, but if it is;

I sense that you have the capacity to bring positive things into many lives. This is only from the picture and not the posts. I wish you much strength and great comfort in this task, whatever it may be...

Off topic:
Its Khaleesi from Game of Thrones lol

Originally posted by libra75

I don't think you ever "get over" a suicide. The feelings will fade at times, and then quickly be brought crashing back
.

Absolutely. Im pretty old and when I read this thread.. it came crashing back and that was yrs and yrs ago. It not only effects the family.. but the friends and community.

I don't have a answer but some insight. Because you are a father and obviously close with your family I think this situation bothers you more to the core. That's normal.
However, I also think your gut instinct is telling you something more. Your feeling like there must have been a reason why. Sometimes things beyond will reach out to those who will listen. I would eventually go over and talk to his dad and ask some questions (after you feel it out first). Tell him that your heart goes out to him as a family man yourself. Maybe there is something he can tell you about the situation that will shed more light on this tragic event.
When we have something that bothers us so much, it's for a reason!
Maybe the kid wants you to know something. I say that because I knew a girl who died in a car wreck when she was 17 turning 18 that night (we think it was a accident but it is not certain). She kept a secret that no one knew about not even me. After her death, I kept dreaming about her. She would tell me about something that happened to her, she wanted an answer, she insisted that I go ask him, she had sex with her step-brother who was a year or 2 older. I woke up and thought wow that is one crazy dream (or so I thought). Later she would appear in my dreams and say "go ask him" and vanish.
A week later I was at her house in her room (which I found out that she shared with her step brother) helping clean up and I heard her aunt say that she wishes she knew about the secret Lynn was hiding. I looked up and said "what did you say", she replied "Lynn had a secret that she told no one, only that something happened to her". I literally got chills. I asked for details and she only said that Lynn told her it was something really bad, but nothing more.
Under her bed I found a notebook, I started reading it while her aunt went to cook dinner. I came across her secret. Without many details she told about something hurtful and shameful that happened to her when she was 15, she didn't mean for it to happen but he sort of took it from her when they were caught up in a moment.

Fast forward a month: To make a long story short, I went to a party one night and her step brother was there. After a few drinks I went over to him and said, I know what happened, I know about the secret. I explained it to him and at first he said "I have no idea what your talking about", but I insisted. He broke down in tears and told me the truth, he said he never wanted that to happen and it only happened once. They shared a room and one night she got into his bed and they were just kissing. That turned into something more. She had fell in love with him but he didn't have the same feelings because it thought the whole thing was wrong. I'm not blaming anyone because I wasn't there. But I think she wanted to know why and if he loved her. He did tell me that he loved her very much and how this secret was killing him. After that the dreams stopped. I guess she wanted to know...in even death.

13 years old is just way too young for me to see a child commit suicide. Is it possible he may been bullied by classmates?

Very sad and sorry you have to go through this.

Originally posted by Advantage

Originally posted by libra75

I don't think you ever "get over" a suicide. The feelings will fade at times, and then quickly be brought crashing back
.

Absolutely. Im pretty old and when I read this thread.. it came crashing back and that was yrs and yrs ago. It not only effects the family.. but the friends and community.

This is oh so very true. I accepted my father's death as his choice and rightly so considering the circumstances surrounding him at the time. I refused to selfishly mourn and merely respect his choice. When I initially heard the news, my mother had driven two hours to pull me out of work, all she had to say was "Val...your Dad.." and my response was "How did he do it". I broke down then and there then somehow remained stalwart and calm with no tears for a long long time.

Then, driving in my car one day, WHAM. I sobbed until I puked. It hits me at random times, for no reason at all. It is a strange mourning that lays dormant in the background until something triggers it.

I think the worst thing for me personally is that he shot himself on the back steps of my Grandparents home. We used to sit there together and smoke cigarettes and talk about life. That door and steps is like a ghost to us all. When we go out the back door we hurriedly rush down the steps and no one sits there. It was the smoking spot not only for us by for my cousin and him, my cousin and I, my Grandfather and I...but no one dare sit there anymore.

When we approach, heads bow, we head up the steps, we don't speak. The image of what happened there is forever burned into our minds and one of the worst triggers for all of us. I kind of wish they would seal off that door and remove the steps, but in a way it represents a lot of good talks and happy memories for us all.

It's strange the things you hold on to after a suicide. My home has been in our family for years and it's the home I grew up in. I left this horribly tacky paisley wall paper on the walls of my living room for YEARS. Why? My father picked it out. I refused to change it, absolutely refused. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore. I was living in a jail of the memory of what my father used to be. I ripped all of that wallpaper down in an absolute state of relief, every piece that tore off was like a layer of that suppressed mourning coming out of my life.

I guess I'm rambling now and maybe this isn't relevant to the OP but it is nice to share with other's who have gone through it, it is hard to find people who don't just shut you down with "My god.. I'm so sorry" when all you really want to do is share.

I haven't dealt with suicide much, if any but I'm only 21. I did have a pretty bad childhood and I told people I wanted to or was going to kill myself a few times but never actually came close to doing it. I think I told people that to get attention. I was pretty young and no matter what I did, my mom wouldn't pay attention to me. That can be hard for a young child to deal with. I have so many terrible stories about that but since they aren't about suicide, I won't get into them here.

The one possible brush I've had with suicide is still kind of a mystery to me, in that I still don't know for sure if it was a suicide or not. When I was 14, my mom overdosed on prescription medication and it was labeled an accidental suicide. The only reason that I'm not totally sure it was accidental was because she had been on different medications for almost her entire life. It seems odd that after so many years of taking medications, she'd accidentally overdose. The other reason I have doubts about it is because she had tried to kill herself before.

I wasn't living with her when she died but I had talked to her on the phone on the night that she died. Our last conversation was not a good one and that's been hard to deal with. She was going to take me shopping to get some clothes that I needed but she said she didn't want to go at the last minute because her stomach hurt so I, thinking that she was just trying to get out of it, just said "fine, if you don't want to be with me then don't" or something along those lines and I angrily hung up. That was the last thing I ever said to her.

I think I started getting over it about 2 or 3 years ago but it's something that I've always internalized. I have come to forgive her for everything she did, or didn't do, to me as a child and I think that means I'm dealing with it. Suicide is such a tough thing for anyone to deal with but I'm not even sure if what happened to her was a suicide.

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice on the subject but I wanted to share my story as I've seen others do in this topic. I feel kind of selfish now, posting here just to share my story with no real advice for your situation. I truly feel for you and the boy's family. I know talking and writing about your feeling with these things helps. It allows you to analyze how you really feel on the subject and maybe address issues you didn't know were bothering you. As many of the other posters have said, you should try to talk to the family if you can, just don't be too nosy and let them share with you at their own pace.