Just need a little advice...

Ok here goes with my first thread. So I dated this girl, let's call her Daisy,I reconnected with thru Facebook. Went to school together till she was 15 and she moved away with her family. 10 years later I see her on Facebook as a friend suggestion so I add her. We get to talking and as it turns out we have a lot in common. After a few weeks we start dating, a few months go by and were talking about getting married. I was ecstatic. Up until then I had kept my drinking under the table. Daisy had no idea how big of a problem it was till I got really hammered around her and had one of my black out crazies. After that she tells me if I wanna marry her I have to stop drinking. I love her so I agree. Didn't work out so well. I resorted to trying to hide it better. As long as I drank just a little it was ok she didn't really know but as soon as I blacked out it was done for. No hiding it then.

This went on for two years. We were off and on that whole time. About 9 months ago I picked up dui number three. Well let me get that right. It was a second second as my first had come off my record. Daisy stuck around for a while even after that. Then her and I have a fight. Just words as I would NEVER hit a woman. I was sober during this fight. Her daughter tells her dad that we were fighting and instead of talking to us about it to see what really happened he goes straight to court with it. That was the deciding factor in Daisy breaking up with me 100%. So I moved out, got my own place, and tried my best to stop drinking.

In February of this year I went to court over the dui. I asked for rehab so I could get help with my drinking. Judge said ok 60 days in rehab or 4 months in jail. That was a no brainer there. I looked and looked and finally found a free one. Thinking I'll do this to make the court happy and when I get out I'll do things my way and try to remain sober. I went to Cincinnati Restoration Church. Before this I was never a religious man. At all. After 30 days there I had a faith in God that I never knew was even possible. After 60 was up I knew I would never drink again and still haven't to this day.

Now to my main point. All this time after the break up Daisy and I are still talking. I love her and she loves me. Hard to just throw that all away. Before I go into rehab I'm hanging out with her and she tells me that if I come out truly sober and remain that way that we can try things again. Told me she would wait for me. So 60 days later with faith in God and a new found sense of purpose in my life I get out and the first thing I do is call Daisy if nothing else just to talk about my experience and see how things are. She acted like she didn't know me and hung up on me. I was on my uncle's phone and I thought she didn't know the number and I would call her when I got to mine. So I did. She tells me that she has a new boyfriend and would rather I didn't call her. I said ok and I never once called or text her at all.

I saw her a few times after that when she would bring a few things over to my house. She would tell me how great things were and that she would be getting married soon to this new guy. I tell her I'm happy for her even tho its killing me on the inside.

Fast forward to just last week on the 4th. I had got a new number and told my family not to give it to Daisy. Out of nowhere Daisy calls me. She's almost in tears. She said this new guy, let's call him Dick, is a control freak and has serious anger issues. Then she tells me she was suppose to get married on the 4th but she called it off and guess what she wants to do. See me. So on what was suppose to be her wedding night she's at my house till 1:30 am talking about how she doesn't know if things will work out with Dick. I give her the best advice I can without being an ass about it. I knew she rushed into things way too fast with guy. Now she's texting and calling me daily and it won't take much before all the feelings that we both tried so hard to get over come back with a vengeance. She even moved away from our home town to get away from me and the feelings that were there. This was a month ago she did that. Now she regrets moving away and wants to move back. Not with me just back to our little town.

So Friday she tells me she's going to Louisville to break up with Dick and get her things. In my heart I'm jumping for joy but my mind is telling me yeah right. I get a text about 4 hours later that they didn't break up and she will call me later. Saturday she calls and tells me what happened. He was sorry for the things he did and he will work on them. She said Dick is now acting like the guy she met while I was away. How long that will last I haven't a clue.

So I guess my question is... Should I be there for her if things go south between them or should I change my number again and move on? I truly love her and want nothing more than for her to be happy even if it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to be strung along like I'm a back up if it doesn't work out. Honestly that's kinda how I feel. Is it worth the heartache that I know will ensue if they do end up married? I'm just really confused at this point. My heart says to talk to her and be there if she needs me but my mind says move along, nothing to see here. Thanks in advance guys and gals for your help.

I could say she's just using you, and it's time to move on. But you probably know that already.

-_- . first off stop drinking and driving. don't get in any more trouble after rehab. if you do you should be thrown into prison because you're endangering everyone who crosses you on the road and obviously you don't really care. As for as the girl goes, forget about her. Shes just a girl. Cut your balls off and then you'll see that the majority of everything you felt for her has disappeared. hormones have hijacked your intelligence. really do you get so worked up over your guy friends?

i find it humours she wants to marry every guy she meets within months. which is the case with probably 90% of people

I feel for you op.. I have been in a similar situation with my ex for the past 7 years.. Their gets to be a point when you need to man up and move on.. I was dragged along for 7 years with the on and off again "BS".. and it was 7 years wasted..

In that time I think of all the missed opportunities I let pass me bye..

My advice.. Man up, be there for her, be her friend.. But don't ever let it get in the way of living life.. don't pass up opportunities to meet and connect with new people.. Their is someone out there for everyone my friend.. Don't stay in the past.. Life is all about moving forward.

Well she seems to have a history of causing heart-ache with any man she's with.

Does she really know what she wants in life?
or
Is she soo near-sided that she can't make up her mind past what she's having for supper today?


She might be sweet and very lovable but if her priorities aren't in tact then you'll be subjected first-hand to her learning process here on Earth. It can be a painful process..

reply to post by biggmoneyme


First of all I never said drinking and driving was ok by any means. I know what I did was wrong. Always do when I wake up from a bender. I guess you missed the part where I said I don't drink anymore. And no I dont have these problems with my guy friends. I don't want to marry or sleep with them either. Your argument is Invalid.

First of all, congratulations for kicking your addiction and getting yourself back on track.

My advice to you is to not change your number; be there for her if (when) she needs you. You know that things will eventually go south in her new relationship, it's only a matter of time before this guy's real personality emerges again.

But the second part of this is that you shouldn't wait around and be "second choice" for her. It sounds like Daisy has some issues to work out in herself and you can't let her drag you down again. Move on with your life, keep working on yourself, and maybe you'll meet someone else that makes you even happier. Or maybe she'll come back to you when she's figured it out and is ready for a real relationship with you.

Just my two cents worth, hope it helps.

Avocado

Should you be there for her? Nope, not at all. The first sign you should have picked up on is the first conversation you had with her when you got out of rehab. Like your drinking problem It'll just turn into a viscous never ending cycle. If she called you once upset, she'll more than likely call you again. You're a safety net for her, and she'll use it when she needs it. Best to cut the net down as soon as possible to save your own sanity.Best of luck

reply to post by TechVampyre


My previous relationship before this one was 5 years and just like what you said. I know if I'm there for here where it will lead. I'm just not sure I'm ready to go down that road again.

Agreed, totally using you, and sounds like she probably caused you tons of pain. Id say get revenge, screw with her emotions crush her to suicide. Not only that but I am sure she doesnt tell her current BF that shes talking to you and going to her EX to for a shoulder. If the guy has anger issues that would sure blow him up. Anyways lead her on, then drop her like a stone and get a new gf.

Originally posted by thegoods724
Agreed, totally using you, and sounds like she probably caused you tons of pain. Id say get revenge, screw with her emotions crush her to suicide. Not only that but I am sure she doesnt tell her current BF that shes talking to you and going to her EX to for a shoulder. If the guy has anger issues that would sure blow him up. Anyways lead her on, then drop her like a stone and get a new gf.

What you offered for advice is completely disgusting.

You're a monster.

So I guess my question is... Should I be there for her if things go south between them or should I change my number again and move on? I truly love her and want nothing more than for her to be happy even if it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to be strung along like I'm a back up if it doesn't work out. Honestly that's kinda how I feel. Is it worth the heartache that I know will ensue if they do end up married? I'm just really confused at this point. My heart says to talk to her and be there if she needs me but my mind says move along, nothing to see here. Thanks in advance guys and gals for your help.

This sounds like a typical behavior that women often do, she's very insecure and fears being alone. She may not realize what she is doing is hurtful to you, she is only thinking about her own feelings, not yours, which is obviously selfish.

But, I will attempt to give you the best advice I can, I suppose.

If staying in contact with her causes any amount of negativity in your life, then I would tell her to leave you alone because you are ready and want to move on with your life.

I see that you love her. So I can see how you don't want to let her go, and want to be there for her no matter what, this is what unconditional love is, but this doesn't mean that you should wait around for her to make up her mind. Date others and let her know it. Love her unconditionally and accept things as they are and for what she is. Separate your emotions from this unconditional love. If she calls you, say hi, give her any advice she may be looking for, then leave it at that. You control the relationship, you control what she is willing to do to you.
Also, take a look at WHY she calls you. Is it one-sided? What is she looking for? And you may want to ask her bluntly, why are you calling me, what do you want from this relationship we have? Does she want someone to listen to her, or does she want sympathy? Does she want to feel wanted by someone else or a back-up if things don't go her way? Throwing it out there may also help her realize her own behavior.

Anyways, the best of luck!! I encourage you to date others, even if you miss her. You deserve it, have gone a long way in sobriety, and deserve all the love, honor, trust, dignity, and respect--- if you believe this, then it will be easy let her go.

reply to post by GD21D


You make a great point. It never fails if something bad happens or she goes off her meds I'm the first person she calls because she knows I'll listen to her and not judge her. It's gonna be real hard not to answer when she calls but I do think its time I cut the net.

Originally posted by thegoods724
Agreed, totally using you, and sounds like she probably caused you tons of pain. Id say get revenge, screw with her emotions crush her to suicide. Not only that but I am sure she doesnt tell her current BF that shes talking to you and going to her EX to for a shoulder. If the guy has anger issues that would sure blow him up. Anyways lead her on, then drop her like a stone and get a new gf.

Now that's F'd up..

First of all well done on staying off the booze and keep it up.

There is obivously an strong emotional tie between the both of you. I really do not think that she is just playing you or using you when things go wrong. From your post it seems as she stood by your side for along time when it would of been easier for her to walk. So fair play to her!!

But times have changed and you are now in a new phase of your life. She seems very lost and confused and emotionally mixed up.

I personally would cut ties to leave her grow up and take control of her life as the emotional feelings of the past relationship between you both will only cloud and prejudice advice and decisions.

Who knows if its meant to be you will meet in 10 years again and it will be perfect. If its meant to be ...it will be.

Take care of yourself and your own life. Staying sober is your lifes importance for the foreseeable future, Good luck and stay strong.

reply to post by Rocsgirl


I think the reason she calls is because she needs someone to listen to her that understands her. In my entire life I've never clicked with a woman like I do this one. We understand each other on a level I've never experienced till I met her. I will take your advice on how to handle this "relationship" that her and I have.

Dont talk to her. Dont call her. Dont text her. Dont answer her calls. Dont answer her texts. This woman does not sound like a keeper at all. Infact, what makes you think she didnt spend the night with some other dude after your fights? I have plenty of experience with these kind of women and if she'd do it to dick she'd do it to you. And since she didnt want to talk to you when she was with dick, then she does not value you as a friend whatsoever. Sad but true.

That said...i know how you feel. i almost married a woman who was a control freak infact. Funny thing is she broke up with all her exes cause they were controlling wtf. i couldnt keep away from her, but she never even loved me.

Anyway this is not advice from a psychic. I cannot read total strangers minds over the internet..

reply to post by thegoods724


She suffers from depression as it is. I could never do that to her. If she were to harm her self and I even remotely thought it was my fault... I don't know if I could live with myself. Please troll somewhere else.

Originally posted by theduke269
reply to post by GD21D

 

You make a great point. It never fails if something bad happens or she goes off her meds I'm the first person she calls because she knows I'll listen to her and not judge her. It's gonna be real hard not to answer when she calls but I do think its time I cut the net.

This is how many relationships work, and it works the same way for both sides, men and women both do the same type of thing. I've never allowed myself to be a fallback option. You could say I'm more of a hardlined type of individual. This position I hold has most certainly hurt my ability to build relationships, it is something that I cannot deny. If I am to be in a relationship with someone I expect the same amount of loyalty I give. I see it as a reasonable request from a possible lifetime partner. I don't know why I tell you this now, maybe the fact that you responded favorably to my advise, and I feel responsible for giving you the entire spectrum of my point of view. Just don't be like me entirely. It's a very lonely place to be. I can't help my hardlined personality, and it has hurt many relationships I've had.All in all, don't be as stiff as I am, but don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of either. You have to be able bend when necessary, and also realize when a relationship is a lost cause and cut ties. This is something I can't seem to do.One again, best of luck.

Originally posted by theduke269
reply to post by biggmoneyme

 

First of all I never said drinking and driving was ok by any means. I know what I did was wrong. Always do when I wake up from a bender. I guess you missed the part where I said I don't drink anymore. And no I dont have these problems with my guy friends. I don't want to marry or sleep with them either. Your argument is Invalid.

exactly, you don't want to marry them or sleep with them because your hormones aren't pushing you in that direction. my argument is only invalid when you fail to see the flow of the argument. and you have already gotten 3 dui's. in some states you would of already been locked up.