Need advice from a Woman!

Originally posted by windword
Could your breakup be because of hormonal mood swings? Maybe you'll get back together. I can't stress enough how important it is for the mother to have a supportive father around for a new baby.

Don't jump the gun and start imagining all the bad things that can happen to separate you and your child. Convince her you want to be around as a dad. Even if she's threatening now, when the baby comes she will need you, and be glad that you hung around. It may just strengthen your relationship more than you could imagine.

As a man who has been through this, I must totally disagree. Defend yourself through proactive measures. Retain a lawyer now. Determine paternity now. If it is yours, prepare to sue for custody by stabilizing your living situation and income now. Don't wait.

Originally posted by PutAQuarterIn
You need to talk nicely and civil like. It doesn't have anything to do with the 2 of you and how you feel about it...it's about that kid knowing both parent love and care for him/her. To argue and withhold a child from one parent is flat out abuse (at least when the parent is capable and willing) beg if you must, but the kiddo NEEDS both of you. I don't understand why some people hate their ex so much they take it out on the kids to get to said ex. Happens all the time. Remember no name calling, accusing ect. It's really not about you at all...It's about the kid

edit on 1-7-2012 by PutAQuarterIn because: spelling

If you take this attitude, you will end up completely screwed. Move to protect yourself legally. Do it now.

reply to post by windword


That is a good point and another way to go. Just because she tells you to get out does not mean you have to, maybe leave the room for a bit but stick around. Until the police are called and a restraining order issued you do not have to listen to her when she goes of like a manic. Just put up with it, it will pass eventually unless she walks out and disappears. Just try and remain calm and ride it out, trying to out shout her can get tricky but does have a place if she is about to cut you up.

Questions to the OP. Is she a good Mother, does she take good care of your child. Would it benefit the child to take her away from her Mother. Is she willing to work with you. Do you trust her.

Do you want sole custody of your child. Can you afford sole custody, and what has the Mother done to warrant only you having sole custody.

Des

reply to post by kwakakev
Do not do this. A restraining order will be used against you later.

Speaking as a) a woman, b) a mum, and c) as someone who separated from the father for a while.. (we got back together once my post natal insania went away..)
I'll offer you this nugget of advice.

1. GET YOUR NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
Without that, things could be a lot messier..
Yes, the law says if she knows you're the father, and there is no doubt, it's illegal for her to withhold it from the birth certificate, but you wouldn't believe how many women put ''father unknown'' down, to gain some control.

Other than that.. pay child support, insist that you get contact, if she starts dicking you around, get legal aid, and ask for court-instated shared PR, and agreed contact. (Harder for her to stop you seeing the child if it's court instated)

I hope you can work it out.
I'm not ashamed to admit that pregnancy and birth destroyed me physically and mentally, with post-natal depression it took about two years to get it together. My kiddy was adored, and wanted for nothing, but I let myself go, and put everything else on hold.
I'm glad I got help, and sorted it out with her dad. Right now we've been together for 7, almost 8 years, give or take the occasional scrap..

reply to post by DarthMuerte

Do not do this. A restraining order will be used against you later.

This is very much one to be careful of and false restraining orders have been known to happen along with all sorts of lies during custody battles.

How long you was couple?

Thanks for the advice guys I've got a lot to think about!

I'm a dude, but a communications therapist.
I'd say it's time for you to talk differently and to warn her that she should too. You should both calmly focus on the present and the future, and refrain from harping on how the other acted while in the relationship. If she does that, and changes the subject, just ignore it and calmly return to "what are we going to do?"

You need to get agreements both of you can keep and both of you are honest about. Later it may be time to revise agreements together. It is important that you can work together for the common goal of raising the child well. Frequently agreements are best written down in a book - so there will b no later misunderstandings.
If she does not want to conclude concrete agreements with you, on money, time and living space, later also child-rearing practices, you should turn to a social services mediator both of you accept.
Be polite - tell her this is for helping the co-operation and not constraining people.

If you can't act this way, turn to a therapist for help.

If you feel legal steps will be necessary, inform your ex and tell her that you felt safer if that is done. Avoid vengeful gestures - "OK, you'll gonna have her every weekend but make sure you keep her away from your alcoholic Dad!"

In general, you should face the idea that you cannot control everything. Maximum half of the things. You two need to make compromises all along. Maybe you want your kid to grow up without TV or junk food but all you can relay is that that would be your preference. Ask for specific goals. And turn the subject of the conversation towards the future every time, and not what you or she want to avoid, rather what you want. That is simple but takes effort and makes people think.

People's rules are bent sometimes - preferably not about money or timing, but if your relationship is OK, you will meet infringements. Then you have to confront her gently.

When the baby is not there yet, plan to have the birth. Can you be there? Can it be a home birth? Will she have anybody new? Well, you need to yield some things and give the benefit of the doubt but things like being present at your child's birth should be yours.

If you have a situation like you may come back together again, that may be informal, and imagine various frameworks. Not just all or nothing.

My two cents.

reply to post by TechUnique


Buy her lots of Flowers and tell her how much you love her!! Give it a week or so before you call it quits..I mean..really talk to her. My advise would be work out youre problems and stay together..if that is not possible..stay involved..and work on yourself..job etc..Above all Women Love Romance

I wish both of you Happiness!!

No matter how civil you guys are, I echo the other posters who said lawyer up, or at least get familiar with custody/child support laws in your area. You don't need to be vengeful or anything, it's just a way to protect yourself. All this stuff can be VERY confusing, and a little knowledge can go a long way. Hopefully you guys will be able to work it out amicably and avoid the court system.

reply to post by TechUnique


No chance it was just a " Tiff " and you will get back together maybe ?

As someone who "played nice", I can assure you this isn't the path to take. In the end, you may ask for advice but you will do what you feel is right. People told me to get a lawyer and fight for custody, and I refused. When I went to court, I told the judge I had nothing bad to say about her and would not fight her for custody. I thought I was being courageous and noble, making a sacrifice of myself so she wouldn't have to feel the pain of being away from our daughters. (I got shared custody though)

Before long, she made up lies about me. Got a protective order against me on false claims, which she then used to make me look bad so the judge never even looked at my responses. I got nailed with child support and have basically no say in how they're raised.

It's been 8 years since then and not a single day has passed that I don't regret not fighting from the very beginning. Don't play nice. Fight for your child. Be the very best Daddy possible. I'm not saying you have to be evil, vindictive or anything else to inflict harm on her, but don't lay down for her.

Listen to the advice given - get a lawyer. Know your rights. Get custody. Don't wait for everything to transpire, do this immediately. If she wants to work it out, fine. But at least it will be on your terms.

Good luck.

reply to post by TechUnique


If you broke off with your girlfriend on good terms then why would she stop you from seeing your child? Did I miss something?

If I was in your shoes I would do whats best for the unborn child, sit down with her and both sets of your parents and work out a deal......us "elders" always have better insight than you youngings!

1st priority: make sure this child is biologically yours and demand DNA testings

2nd priority: know what your child support laws are in your state

reply to post by DarthMuerte


He's not going to get sole custody!

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


This is not about you I'm afraid. Every individual case is different and no 2 cases are the same.

reply to post by TechUnique


I would suggest you just focus on trying to be a good friend, and show her you care what happens to her, and your child.

This baby has not been born yet, and you will both feel very strong emotions when the child is born. It may bring you back together if that is what you both want, and if it isn't what you want, you need to really show her that you need to support each other, because you two are the ones who will love that child, and in that sense you will always be family.

It's difficult to give you any more advice because there isn't much detail, and it really isn't our place to know those, but I would say you are off to a good start if you can honestly say you want to remain friends, because you at least have a chance of that happening. You will always be family, together or not, and that means caring like a family member, without the romance.

You can show her those intentions over time,by being there when it matters, and being a supportive shoulder and understanding friend, when you see she may need one, but not in a pushy way.

I wish you both the best of luck, because the greatest gift you can give your child is not material things, but an emotional support system that weathers the storms of life , and showing that you care and respect each other as humans and as the parents of your child. That will mean more to your child, in the long haul than , and will do wonders for him/her growing up with a sense of security and decency, as well as role model for how to treat others.

oh yeah..forgot to mention ..stay away from the lawyers as much as possible, and try to be fair and decent and work things out between the two of you. You both need to look at each other in the eye, and say"do we want the lawyers to have the money?", or" do we both want to take care of our child the best we can, and put the money to better use ?"






Edit:

I've noticed a lot a few responses from members who wished they would have had a lawyer , and that may end up the situation with you. I've just seen way too much money given to lawyers , over child support and custody, and it irks me that its the lawyer who gets so much, and the child ends up with two parents hating, and fighting.

Phew.. spoke to her today.. and argued quite a lot.. but everything is pretty much resolved. She said she would never stop me from seeing the kid because she knows I would be a great dad. We seem to be on a lot better terms now as well so there might be a chance we could get bet together at some point.

Thank you everyone for posting I really appreciate it! I'll admit I did post this thread in desperation last night. I still don't know what is going to happen in the future but at least I know the kid will be ok and have a good dad unlike myself!

Thanks a lot guys!!