Been divorced for 4 mo and didn't know

So I found this out last night. We have been separated for a while now and I'm living in another state. She knew how to get a hold of me but didn't even try. I'm in constant contact with my girls but they never said anything and just as well I'd rather not have them in the middle of it. Well I also found out last ni that I was a few months behind in court ordered child support, that I had no idea was ordered. I have been sending them money since we split and bought them computers for school but have not been able to send anything in the last few months. I'm not obligated for my oldest daughter which is biologically not mine but I send money for her too, as I see her no different than my other daughter and have raised her as my own since she was 11mo old, she's now 18. After the conversation with the wife I feel like she and my daughters are looking at me somewhat like a deadbeat and it sucks, not a good feeling.

In the last few yrs I have been to five funerals of people very close to me, two of my best friends and my father were among the five. I've also lost my business, my home, my two daughters taken from me by my wife (but she let me keep all of our debt), found myself homeless for a bit of time with no unemployment benefits and a few health issues that are severe but I can't afford to treat them. I did manage to find work but the work ran out and I was laid off, this has happened to me twice now in a fairly short time span. There's more crap I'm dealing with but I won't bore anyone with details.

I'm not looking for sympathy here just needed to dump I guess. I'm very frustrated with life on lifes terms right now and some days wonder where my threshold is. Finding out last ni that I was now divorced was a bit of a kicker. I thought maybe time apart would be healthy and that we could maybe work things out eventually....NOT. All I can do is suck it up and keep moving forward I suppose, been a tough few yrs but there's a lot of people in the world that have it worse than I and I need not to forget that. Thanks for letting me vent.

Been there, done that, almost to the tee. I feel for you, but know that you learn the lessons that life has handed you and move forward and upward. Remember, the best revenge is living well!

I wish you the best, truly.

reply to post by mtnshredder


mtnshredder,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Without going into detail, sounds familiar. Hopefully you and your wife agreed any extra curriculars will be split 50/50 in your divorce agreement. I suggest always asking in writing if she agrees to pay 50% for things like computers, sports, etc before doing it. Do not expect to get one ounce of symapthy or help or understanding from the other side. Do not think all of the good you did, the money you spent, the honesty and effort you put into your marriage means anything to her. It doesn't. That said, just document away, live your life and help your kids as much as possible and even learn to take it up the wazoo for a lot of $, time and common decency (like calling the kids, etc) For a full year I turned into a very mean person based upon someone else's behavior. It was debilitating and wrong on my part. Try to find happiness in anything you can and just know this is going to be how it is for the rest of your life. You can and will make it though this.

CJ

I feel for you. I/We have all had hard times and there is no way to say which one is worse than the others, because they all affect us in a personal way where it seems the whole world is crashing on you. Keep on going, and stay the course for your daughters sake. You don't want them to have to face a road they are not ready to travel down either. There is a way through it but it does take time and sometimes a little bit of encouragement from the man in the mirror. (Sorry for the M.J. reference).

Been on the edge of life myself sometimes but it keeps me going knowing I want to see the Sun again, even on those sunny days.

Good Vibes are sent to you. Keep in there Brother.

reply to post by mtnshredder


Vent my friend, vent.

I have been through a very similar situation since 2010, & court still to come. I didn't see my kids for months, the lies & cheating. I cannot even explain the state my soul was in. And, even though i have totally forgiven and forgotten all the wrong that has been done towards me, i know now my ex cannot handle seeing me doing totally fine without her.

I have become a better person in the last 2 years. I was down & out in the beginning. I eventually got the strength to get back up in life and start again. It made me a better person spiritually, and i have no more anger and appreciate all i have in my life, no matter what she throws at me.

There is no words that can make one feel better when going through a rough time like yourself. All i can say is that with time it all gets better, as you know. There is no kind words and only staunch advice, cos i've learned the hard way. Stand up, be positive. Do meditation and see yourself being positive, see yourself in your minds eye how happy you are, see only good things, see yourself with a smile, see yourself with your kids & see yourself as a successful person. You need to change it and the quicker the better.

I thank our Creator for being there for me when i had my back turned on Him.

All good things to follow in your life, believe and know it.

Thank you all for your positive words of encouragement. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to say something positive and share their own struggles with this thing we call life. I'm trying my best to stay focused and moving forward but it's easier to do some days than it is others. Thanks again for the kind words. I feel better already just getting some of this off my chest and hearing your words of encouragement.

Im on my way to being right there with you. I was asked to move out on Monday of this week. I have 3 youbg children. She wants to "seperate for a while". "We have to do everything as a family so the kids dont suffer" she says.

Daddy has to leave. How can they not suffer?

I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better than today. Gotta keep hope.

reply to post by leemachino

Sorry to hear that. It's never easy when kids are in the picture. Have the two of you considered counseling? It's helped many marriages and may be an option. There's a lot of emotion in separating, especially at first but like others have said it does getter a little better with time. Just don't do anything irrational and try to stay busy doing something. Your welcome to u2u me if you need to talk to someone that can relate to what your going thru.

reply to post by mtnshredder


Look for a good paying job overseas....

Seriously.

Then, your debtors are screwed...and you could pay whatever you want to pay in child support (even if it's nothing).

Worked for my father when he ran out on my mom, so I'm sure it can work for you too!

But, you're the kind of guy who would still send what he thinks is appropriate (vs. having to do the court ordered amount).

How did she get a divorce (and an order for child support) without your signature?

In any case, you'd have to stay here of course, if you want to go the legal route, and have visitation, etc.
What I hate though, is when they can order you to pay support, but then allow the other to withhold visits.

reply to post by Gazrok

How did she get a divorce (and an order for child support) without your signature?

She had me served at our old address (she new I didn't live there) and then posted a public notice in our town paper (she new I was living in another state). I guess that's all there is to it. It sure came as a surprise to me but undoubtedly it was legal. I too thought you had to have a sig, guess not

I've learned that what you put out into the world you get back so let her continue doing what she is doing sooner or later it will catch up to her and then you can laugh in her face look up the definition of deadbeat on urban dictionary and I am sure you will not fit the description so chin up and don't let her bring you down.

www.urbandictionary.com...

@ mtnshredder, I'm sorry that you had to go through this!
Some men do not even bother to look for work, too happy if the wife pays for it all!
Like 1 person who left a comment here. I know for a fact that he's talking crap!! He knows who he is, he must be carefull Karma is going to kick him in the butt.

The laws vary from state to state... so can only give my experience.

Save every receipt and document every dollar you spend on your kids... use checks or credit cards or money orders etc for records.

Keep a diary/ journal of every thing you do with your kids... dates and details.

If possible... get involved with their school, activities, fundtions, sports, etc. Since you are unemployed... would be a good time to move closer to them... at least an hour or so away.

Get a job... I know... easier said than done... but a job is better than no job. Fast Food Management... are you young enough for armed forces...Nat'l Guard... that would take care of housing, meals, and money, and benefits for the girls.

Do you have a lawyer? You need a lawyer on retainer... what has happened would not have happened had you had a lawyer.

Have you considered the simple life? Clean country living. Move to a small town. I know as recent as last week, a company is looking for managers for a grocery manager in their stores in rural Alaska... offers $60,000 a year... fresh air, sunshine... most months... good clean living... get your head on straight and make money until you get settled and find direction in life.

Get a spriritual life... church, temple, mosque... whatever. But you will need the spiritual and emotional support offered in a faith based group.... good place to meet decent folks.. that includes women...

I have been divorced twice, lived through a living hell about 20 years ago with custody battles and some serious and false allegations from the mother of my daughter... cost me a boat load of money. I was so cash strapped I was eating from trash cans.... buying stale day old donuts for 10cents to have something to eat... pretty dark time... couldn't afford entertainment of any type... so I got the free library card... read a couple of books a week...lots of biographies and they were inspirational. I found that all great and successful people have been were I was and where you are now. These events will make or break you and mold you for the rest of your life.

I made it and you can too... Good Luck.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a bereavement, the death of something that got the two of you together in the first place, hopes, dreams. So sad. But, you are where you are and time does heal, every time we go to sleep our minds process all our stuff and gradually - very gradually, it gets easier.
I'm tearing up writing this as it brings back my own bad memories, but generally I don't think about it - time has healed. When I was in a bad place someone told me that life changes about every 6 months and that where we are now could be a completely different place to where we will be in 6 months, and the next 6 months etc. Probably baloney, but it kept me going. Be true to yourself, don't get bitter, keep your dignity, hold your head up and find the stuff that makes you happy. Oh and do not turn to drink!

reply to post by mtnshredder

Dam this sh*t is all to norm it seems, you fools got to at least keep that stuff in check. Females are evil by nature, and if your not careful you will be taken for everything you have and more, and it don't help none that this whole divorce thing is now a business and the courts are making money off it, and as such there thriving of it and propagating it in ways. But dam man you should of got rid of her long ago, now its to late, your going to be in for a world of hurt.

I really do not like to say do it for the kids because that to is used as a scapegoat for this type of behavior and believe you me, some of them women know that and are counting on that to excuse there behavior, even while they move on to other's. That's why they always look for guys that are easily controlled, and who is more easily controlled then dudes who only think with there junk, or the ones who will believe anything that is coming out of a pretty face. Its all just another reason why you ever come up with a chick that is all about control and that is all she is capable of, and you know that most of them operate in a reverse psychology operandi type of way. Well then if she gives the signs, then you run for the hills.

Its a dilemma if you let this type of thing continue and play the work horse and for the kids card. It will only encourage them, and if you like another said move ship and country with an off state or out of country job. Well then you leave the kids, the hen, the brood, and the whole thing in a mess that you both knowingly and unknowingly created. Which again just keeps adding to the whole mess that others will have to deal with.

Its basically in a way, its a no win situation, but if you helped create it then you should help end it. But still the evil bitch should of at least informed you that you got served at least. But I know why she didn't, its usually because she knows you better then you know yourself and she knew you would be jumping ship if you found out before hand.

No one can really help you but you bro, and definitely don't look for anything from you ex wife, as I am pretty sure this whole thing was in all likely hood planed out way before hand on were it will go and even the technicalities of it all in her head.

But all in all keep your head up and deal with things as they come, its the only thing you can do now.

I have just completed 1 year without paying child support. The feeling is indescribable after paying for 15.5 years.

Here's my experience and advise.

Joint/shared custody means that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Unless you want to pay for a lawyer and try to fight it. Odds are you will lose. Save your money.

Child support should be paid through the enforcement agency in your jurisdiction. Gifts towards school supplies (computers) don’t count. They figure you should help as just your portion of ‘shared’. Don’t do it. Buy a computer yourself but let the kids use it at your home.

Do whatever you can to keep the peace. If she gets pissed she might take you back to court for an increase.

Suck it up. Shut it up. Lay cool and count down the years. Remember you are the dog in the choke collar. The more you struggle, the more YOU will choke. The courts don’t care about you. Especially if you have ever been behind in payments.

I went 15.5 years without and increase. Her 2nd husband/father fought her tooth and nail. He quit paying and returned to court many times. (lost every time) I guess she figured she had it easy with me and shouldn't rock the boat.

Good luck

P.S. Don't let the kids know when you get a raise. Stash the extra cash in the bank. She'll have a hard time getting it retroactive if the rest has been calm and peacefull (and paid up).

reply to post by samkent

I have no problem in paying child support, I want to support and help my kids. I'm just pissed she waited over 4 mo to tell me " oh by the way.........". I'm starting a new job Mon so that's a good thing, can probably get caught up in 2 mo I hope.
Does anyone know how far behind in support they allow you to be before they take your DL away? That sure is a stupid law BTW, take away ones means to get to work?

reply to post by mtnshredder

It would be a long long time in Ohio.
In this day and economic times I'de bet that as long as you are making any attempt at paying, the courts will leave you alone.

If I heard correctly through my kids, the state picks up the support obligation (minimal amounts) and runs a tab for the dad. But the hitch is that they will get it out of your hide one way or another.
You can forget any tax refunds they will take them and instead you will get a note as to why. That happened to me when they swithched from the local county computer system to the state system. Due to the way the dates fell the new computer said I was behind even though CS was deducted from my check since day one. There was no way I could have been behind. But you can't argue with a computer. They did correct it in the end as I was two months ahead by then and they stopped two months early.

Learn to love peanut butter and cold houses in the winter. I did.