Please Get The Hades Away From My Dinner Plate!

A blog post/rant of mine. I know some of you feel the exact same way... I also know a few do not. But hey, that's what makes the world go 'round.

I am bathing in godiva chocolates and white chocolate Ghiradelli squares naked as I type this. It feels deliciously rebellious and dangerous at the same time. There is bacon in the soap dish, cathead biscuits by the sink, and fried potatoes falling from the medicine cabinet as well.

These foods rank in my top 10 and are currently endangered. They are hiding out anywhere they can, because the first lady of the United States has put a bounty out on them. They are wanted. Fugitives from Big Brother’s justice.

I hear you giggling. I don’t blame you. There is naught else you can do in the face of such ludicrousness. It gets funnier and more sad almost exponentially.

So you ask… Why are my favorite foods hiding out?

Well, apparently I am too mentally challenged to decide on my own what I want to eat. I may overindulge without someone there rapping my knuckles with the SHAME RULER every time I want to snap into a slim jim, or show the public exactly WHAT it is that I WOULD do for a klondike bar.

If I am left to my own devices, I may singlehandedly bring about global obesity, total armageddon, pole shifts, a diabetic pandemic, or a combination of them all. That is scary isn’t it? Thank God Big Brother is there to stop my insanity and ignorance before I can melt the polar ice caps further. I am not sure I could live with such a large magnitude of guilt riding on my hell bound carnivorous shoulders.

I don’t know how, at 35, I have managed to survive this long. It boggles my mind when I think about it. I could have really hurt myself and/or those cute baby white seals oceans away. Phew…

C’mon Big Government. Does this not sound even a little ridiculous and silly to you? How long has man roamed this earth without being beat to death with an overly dramatic take on the food pyramid?

First we hear that eggs are good for you. Then it’s a no, eggs are born of lucifer and will cause your cholesterol to turn on you in the wee hours of the morning sending you into a sensational but a no less deadly code blue.

Would you like wine with that?

I guess not because you once said wine is no good for you. Your liver will protest so much that it will turn your skin to the lovely yellow shade of a chiquita banana. Who the hell wants it then? But wait! Like an infommercial… there’s more. (Isn’t there always?)

Now wine is über healthy for you. Antioxidents help with cancer. It can help flush your kidneys and provides a calmness that may help high blood pressure and reduce a tiny bit of stress. Which is, by the way, very beneficial for your immune system… and marriage. But don’t tell anyone I added that part.

So with just these two examples alone, how in the hell do expect anybody to believe that you know what the drivel coming out of your mouth or your administration means?

What I really want to know is when did we cross that thin line where the government even attempted to think about telling you and your family what to eat?

I clock in on the bathroom scales at around 100 lbs. @ 5 foot 3 inches tall. I am not scared of this satanic snacking vice. I stare it in the face and laugh. Then I do the MC Hammer dance to the tune of “Can’t Touch This”.

That’s right. I’m a rebel. Live alone… Die alone… With a full, contented, belly.

I grew up with the food pyramid. We were taught to memorize it 30 years ago. It is on the back of my peanut butter crunch cereal box… I think. Either that or The Illuminati is advertising with Captain Crunch now. These days it would not surprise me.

My point is, that I do not recall a single thing about it. I guess I didn’t care enough to retain that life changing information, or I was psychic and knew that one day my great government would help me out.

Could you please stop now? I mean really…
You can’t seem to balance the nation’s checkbook, but you are more than willing and able to count everyone’s caloric intake? Are you kidding me?

You completely crashed through the debt ceiling in record time, yet you have the extra time to play USA’s own Richard Simmons?

You have these awesome televised beer summits, and the next day you snatch the chocolate milk out of my child’s public school? Milk, chocolate or otherwise does not kill brain cells last I checked… The more I think about that, it does explain a hell of a lot. Just saying.

My daughter is served congealed whole wheat macaroni & cheese while those in government are dining on kobe beef steaks and $16 muffins!

Just typing $16 muffin takes more time off of my life than eating a pound of bacon. Because it’s stupid. And I am tired of stupid. But it seems that stupid may be the new smart.

I release you of all responsibility concerning my family dealing with what we eat.

I ask that in your dire concerns for future generations to concentrate on not letting China own us the way our current governing body wishes to. Focus on a budget for God’s sake! I don’t pay my light bill, my ass sits in the dark. You keep not paying the nation’s light bill and China will turn all of our sh... off. How long is that grace period by the way?

The FLOTUS can find a new pet project. Like maybe teaching the benevolent Obama how to win friends and quit spending more than you take in. Maybe not quite Dale Carnegie, but better.

I really don’t care what it us. Just get the hell out of my kitchen, my child’s cafeteria,my McDonald’s, the vending machine at the hospital, and the drink machines outside of my grocery store.

I realize that the current administration wants to go full blown socialism. They need to realize that the rest of us are ready to go full blown whoop ass.

You think you have issues with Occupy wall street? Keep fooling with folk’s Little Debbies and HoHo’s. Take away those McD’s fries and Coca-Colas…

There will not be a teleprompter on this planet that can hold a speech good enough to placate the masses.

Thanks for a truly entertaining rant.

Your humor and wit was a refreshing way of getting your point across.

If you do not write professionally , I suggest you think about it.

By far one of the best rants I have ever read. I agree with you. A persons food intake is their own responsibiity and for children it is their parents responsibility. The government just doesn't know when to quit.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Having read the entire rant, in context, if everything else was completely honest, this part was not believable:

I clock in on the bathroom scales at around 100 lbs.

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
Thanks for a truly entertaining rant.

Your humor and wit was a refreshing way of getting your point across.

If you do not write professionally , I suggest you think about it.

Thank you so much for reading and being so kind. I have always enjoyed writing, but have never considered doing it professionally. Any editor would probably kill me for my lack of punctuation skills. They would certainly have job security! I mostly just blog my rants/stories to get it out. It is a good stress reliever at times.

Originally posted by usmc0311
By far one of the best rants I have ever read. I agree with you. A persons food intake is their own responsibiity and for children it is their parents responsibility. The government just doesn't know when to quit.

Thank you! They certainly do like to involve themselves in other people's business, that's for sure!

Originally posted by gwynnhwyfar
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Having read the entire rant, in context, if everything else was completely honest, this part was not believable:

I clock in on the bathroom scales at around 100 lbs.

It is slightly below actually. I am not sure why it isn't believable to you though. I was born 3 months premature and have always been super skinny. I can pack away the food and never gain a pound. I often wish I could truth be told. I never even got big with either of my pregnancies. It was hard to tell I was pregnant until I was around 6 1/2 months into it. I know that obesity seems to be becoming the norm, but there are a ton of folks out there just like me who would pay money for a few extra pounds.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

That was an awesome rant, and i agree you should do freelance pieces and sell them, though i have no idea how one goes about doing this.

Our countries are seriously screwed up. they want laws to stop people eating what they want, yet they allow poisons to pass as edible. go figure.

America the land of the free and Australia the lucky country, are not so free and lucky.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Just beautiful, Kanga. Brought a freaking tear to my eye.

I'll wipe it away with this strip of bacon I have left over from my 57 strips of bacon L.T. sammich I had earlier.

I'm not entirely sure what it was, but now I am hungry for a klondike bar.

And I don't even know what that is.



You know they just came out and said that it's healthy to have 6 cups of coffee a day. For some reason, all of the other advice to cut down on coffee, was wrong. I think they make things up so as to maintain a position of authority in determining what we do.

Don't drink more than 2 standard glasses of alcohol a day. Red wine is good for you. Don't eat potatoes. Carbohydrates are good for you. Don't eat butter. Margarine is satans toejam. Walking is good for your heart. Don't walk too much or you wear your knees out. Don't sleep more than 8 hours a night. Sleep is good for your brain. Sugar is natural. Don't eat that sweet white death.

Ayi yi yi yi!!! Sod it I'm having a pizza.

Originally posted by mainidh

Ayi yi yi yi!!! Sod it I'm having a pizza.

Just not from Pizza Hut... Their cheese is made from plastic.


Seriously all of this stuff is crazy at the outset of it. Diet is determined by person, NOT by race/religion/etc. Each individual has different requirements.

There was a guy around 90 that was interviewed, and they asked how he had lived that long. He said he had lived on a diet of bread cooked in fatback and drank whiskey constantly.

Guy was the picture of health.

If he had changed his diet, guaranteed he'd be dead in a week.

If you want the honest truth, all of these different things, requiremnts, etc, are all based on studies that are done. Want to know what the study industry is focused on? Money.

They need more money in grants and donations to do more studies... So it is in their best interest to keep things changing, so that they can get more money.

Simple.

Originally posted by Whateva69
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

That was an awesome rant, and i agree you should do freelance pieces and sell them, though i have no idea how one goes about doing this.

Our countries are seriously screwed up. they want laws to stop people eating what they want, yet they allow poisons to pass as edible. go figure.

America the land of the free and Australia the lucky country, are not so free and lucky.

Thank you! You made some awesome points yourself. The sheer hypocrisy is amazing when it comes to our governments.

Originally posted by Jomina
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Just beautiful, Kanga. Brought a freaking tear to my eye.

I'll wipe it away with this strip of bacon I have left over from my 57 strips of bacon L.T. sammich I had earlier.

:::Offers tissue::: Thanks to you as well! And share some of that bacon will ya?

Originally posted by mainidh
I'm not entirely sure what it was, but now I am hungry for a klondike bar.

And I don't even know what that is.

You know they just came out and said that it's healthy to have 6 cups of coffee a day. For some reason, all of the other advice to cut down on coffee, was wrong. I think they make things up so as to maintain a position of authority in determining what we do.

Don't drink more than 2 standard glasses of alcohol a day. Red wine is good for you. Don't eat potatoes. Carbohydrates are good for you. Don't eat butter. Margarine is satans toejam. Walking is good for your heart. Don't walk too much or you wear your knees out. Don't sleep more than 8 hours a night. Sleep is good for your brain. Sugar is natural. Don't eat that sweet white death.

Ayi yi yi yi!!! Sod it I'm having a pizza.

Here you go!!!! en.wikipedia.org...

Thanks for reading! I literally LOL at "Satan's Toejam. I also think you are right... they do like to make it up as they go along. Most of us would lose our jobs if we did that!

Just brilliant! I wish I wrote it. I wish I had the skills to write it.

The older I get, the more I learn, the more I realize things I missed or ignored.... the food nonsense is one of those things that went over my head. Yeah I heard someone say something about eggs being bad for me, but it blended with the "this is your brain" commercials.... Yeah they babbled at me about heart disease and cholesterol, but we all eat the same way in my family, and there is no history of any of these so-called-food-induced-rampant illnesses.

And I find it hard to care if there's plastic in my large pepperoni pizza.... it just tastes so damn good and the last time I googled, that particular plastic is found in MOST foods that are frozen. Hasn't killed me yet

there are a ton of folks out there just like me who would pay money for a few extra pounds.

This is actually spot on if anyone doesn't believe it, its very true.

My ex and I lived on the same diet for years, I packed on the lbs and he was 6'2 and 127lbs (whats that? 57k?).

In hindsight, it had not much to do with diet, but more to do with activity levels. He was chronically on the go, and I was constantly at home chasing small children around. Which is not nearly as much excersize as mothers like to pretend it is. Its almost funny all the things he tried to gain weight.... all he had to do was sit down.



At the end of the day we're all going to die. I hope when I go, I have a cigarette in one hand, and a "munchy" satisfying double bacon cheeseburger with provolone cheese, lettuce and tomato, in the other hand.

They'll know what killed me and I won't care, cause I'm dead.

Yes, because God knows we need more people like these to take my tax dollars to pay for their disability payments, and make my health insurance premiums go up to pay for all their health problems.






And I'm glad for all the responsible parents out there that clearly know better how to teach their children about nutrition and exercise.





Yes, when will the government understand that all people are smart, and do all the right things, all the time, and never, ever screw things up for everyone else.

You mentioned the almighty "food pyramid". This does NOT apply to every person out there... or every ethnicity. When they started this on Rez with the commods.. heart disease and obesity among other things became epidemic. Theyre still doing it as well. Others eat for our bodies and rely on what was predominant in our ancestors meals.. much much more fat in the diet than the FDA whiines about is just one example. If you search on google there are several websites concerning indigenous diets of different countries and origins. In the US, there are only a few for NDNs and they ALL differ greatly from this food pyramid. Ever wonder why certain diseases are much more prevalent in the black folks in the US? The diet thats being pushed on them.. and the fact that not everyone is the same or has the same requirements.

Its basically everyones responsibility to research and become educated about the most important thing in our lives.. the things we put into our bodies individually.. and not what the govt demands you do.

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar


LOL this is what you dispute?
The OP is not alone in her response to you either, I am 5'8 and weigh 126. And I am just over 40. And I eat everything. Sorry!

To the OP, absolutely brilliant!!!!

If people want to eat overly processed, sugary foods with too much salt and unhealthy chemicals....so be it.

If people don't care about good nutrition and what they put in their bodies...so be it.

There is an ole saying..."you are what you eat."

Your rant is well written...you have the gift of a good writer....however...I personally don't agree with the unhealthy food choices you stated..

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


I liked your rant, it was funny, well thought out, and you got your point across.

I do, however, disagree with part of it.

Go to the nearest school, elementary, middle, or high. Take a look at the kids. Now tell me that diet should be left up to the individual.

This generation of kids will be the first in a LONG time that probably will have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. Most of that is diet.

Pizza is now a vegetable, so yeah, the US government is crazy. But.... clearly, some education needs to be done, and that's what this is about, education, not telling you what you can and can't eat.

I watched a show, food revolution, and I tell you, I almost cried when kids couldn't name pictures of vegetables, or where they grow. You are 35. I'm 32. We went to a totally different school system. These kids are eating nothing but processed garbage and washing it down with soda or sugar infused flavored milk.

Junk food isn't the problem. Not knowing what is junk is.

A piece of pizza from a pizza joint is probably quite good for you, ignoring the cheese and grease. A hamburger cooked at home is great for you. The crap kids, and their parents, are eating ISN'T. If you aren't cooking it yourself, it's loaded with preservatives, sugar, and insane ridiculous amounts of sodium.

Childhood diabetes is an epidemic, but only is the western nations.

If you allow a child to eat whatever they want, they will be dead by 25 from diabetes complications. If you allow parents who are completely uneducated about proper diet to determine what their kids eat, you are dooming the children.

When I was a kid, we played outside. there was no internet, no online gaming, no cell phone or texting, you went out, played in the sun, and got exercise. You could get away with a crappy diet. Now kids stay indoors and play passive video games, they aren't getting enough exercise, and the food they are eating is killing them.

I honestly can't believe anyone would be against educating parents and children to help their health, I'm shocked actually.

I don't think the government should tax sugar, or "ban" foods, but an education program to at least help make informed decisions apparently is needed. You've been left to your own devices and now you have a generation of fat and lazy almost adults who only know that food comes from their freezer and into the microwave.

Sad, really sad.

======
Something I started doing, that I suggest everyone does, is actually read the label on what you are buying. I've stopped purchasing various items because of insane ingredients.

But what is more important, is the daily values of vitamins, minerals and such that you are getting.

For example... I grab a caramilk bar (omg i love them) and notice they left off the % for sugar. Why? Because that 1 bar contains twice your daily intake of sugar. That single chocolate bar.

So to be "healthy" you'd need to avoid all sugar for the next day or so.

Look at a cola drink.

1 can of coke:

160 calories.
40mg of sodium (2% of your daily intake right there, what, didn't you know soda has salt in it?? everything does)
42 grams of sugar, 14% of your carb intake.

Now that's just a can of coke, try doing that for everything you ingest in a day, and see how far over the limits (safe) of sugar and sodium you are.

And don't even think about fast food, full of sugar, full of salt, devoid of nutrition. Now, I know this, and understand fully that it isn't "food". It's filler. It's packing foam to stuff into my stomach to keep it quiet until I have actual food.

Kids today don't know the difference, because their parents don't either. Education is required. I guess I should be happy this obesity epidemic is mostly centered in the US, who happens to have a for profit medical industry. i'm Canadian. So each one of you coke guzzling, poptart munching, diabetes factories is a drain on the system and the economy as a whole.

When I saw the size of your OP I thought twice about reading it. I'm glad I did though, That was truly the most entertaining rant on this site ever. Not only hilarious to read but I also agree with your message. Anyone notice that food pyramid they pounded into all of us has changed drastically since then?

I had forgotten all about that food pyramid! I think they made us memorize it in girl scouts. I still remember the examples in pictures. One was of eggs, a large wedge of cheese and a big jug of whole milk! yep. These days that would be called heart- attack- on- a -plate.

Actually, we do live longer now. Maybe they are on to something.

I know what you mean though. I will take to the closet with my chocolates and ice cream if I must. A girl does what a girl has to do.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


I hear you and star and flag for you
Without my chocolate,cookies,Little debbies
and coffee,I am not even human.I would be
grouchy,irritable and just plain mean.

Originally posted by kaylaluv
Yes, because God knows we need more people like these to take my tax dollars to pay for their disability payments, and make my health insurance premiums go up to pay for all their health problems.

And I'm glad for all the responsible parents out there that clearly know better how to teach their children about nutrition and exercise.

Yes, when will the government understand that all people are smart, and do all the right things, all the time, and never, ever screw things up for everyone else.

I can completely agree that there are many folks out there that lack the common sense or the "caring" of what they put in their bodies and even more so what they put in their children's bodies. You are 100% correct on that.I disagree that these people should be allowed to screw it up for the rest of us who do eat unhealthy at times, but do not do it on a consistent basis. I love bacon, but actually rarely buy it because even though I am super skinny, it is still not good for the heart/arteries, etc. But I DO WANT to be able to buy it without penalties or guilt trips when I feel like treating myself.

I am more careful with what I let my daughter eat as well.

Tons of folks make horrible decisions on a daily basis however, I don't think my government or myself should not be "My Brother's Keeper" in these situations.

Originally posted by Advantage
You mentioned the almighty "food pyramid". This does NOT apply to every person out there... or every ethnicity. When they started this on Rez with the commods.. heart disease and obesity among other things became epidemic. Theyre still doing it as well. Others eat for our bodies and rely on what was predominant in our ancestors meals.. much much more fat in the diet than the FDA whiines about is just one example. If you search on google there are several websites concerning indigenous diets of different countries and origins. In the US, there are only a few for NDNs and they ALL differ greatly from this food pyramid. Ever wonder why certain diseases are much more prevalent in the black folks in the US? The diet thats being pushed on them.. and the fact that not everyone is the same or has the same requirements.

Its basically everyones responsibility to research and become educated about the most important thing in our lives.. the things we put into our bodies individually.. and not what the govt demands you do.

Excellent points! The last part is dead on in my opinion!

Originally posted by chiefsmom
reply to post by gwynnhwyfar

 

LOL this is what you dispute?
The OP is not alone in her response to you either, I am 5'8 and weigh 126. And I am just over 40. And I eat everything. Sorry!

To the OP, absolutely brilliant!!!!

A sincere thanks for chiming in with that and your kind words!! I started to get a little offended when the poster said that, then figured what's the use... I think that larger folks are becoming the "norm" so us skinny folks are deemed weirder, or assumed to have an eating disorder a lot of the time. Go figure!

Originally posted by caladonea
If people want to eat overly processed, sugary foods with too much salt and unhealthy chemicals....so be it.

If people don't care about good nutrition and what they put in their bodies...so be it.

There is an ole saying..."you are what you eat."

Your rant is well written...you have the gift of a good writer....however...I personally don't agree with the unhealthy food choices you stated..

Thanks for taking the time to read it and your compliment! I don't eat that unhealthy on a daily basis, but I do enjoy it very much from time to time. I certainly don't advocate eating a pound of bacon a day. I do want the right for myself and other's to do so if they choose to.

BTW, I love your avi!