Struggling with divorce...

Hello all, I've been visiting ATS daily for about six years now and I've been registered for a little over a year. I don't really comment a lot but I really enjoy reading through the site and even though I don't talk to many people on here I feel like I know a lot of you just from reading your posts every day. Last week my wife abruptly left one night and hasn't returned. She then informed me, over facebook, that she wasn't happy and would not be reuturning at all. She took the car, phone, debit card, and left my son and I with nothing. To make matters worse I'm currently unemployed. Why? Well we were both managers at a restaurant when she got a promotion making more than both of us previously combined. With her new position came a longer more complicated work schedule and we decided that it would be better if I quit and stayed at home with our son, an idea I wasn't thrilled with but at the time it seemed the best option. To make matters worse, the house we're renting belongs to her mother and I was informed two days ago that I have until the end of June to get my affairs in order and move out.

I'm going to be honest, it's been a bit rough. I sent my son to stay with my mother for a few days and started the process of going through all our stuff and packing. I spent the night completely alone for the first time in over five years and turned to alcohol just to get through the pain of being alone and sleeping in an empty bed. It's hard to describe the feeling of complete isolation, being in an empty house with no phone to call anyone, not being able to talk to family or friends for several days. I think the hardest part was when I was going through our things and I came across our wedding/honeymoon pictures.

I'm really just writing this so I can vent and because I've needed to talk about it for a week now, most of my friends and family aren't online and since she took the phone I'm pretty cutoff from people at the moment. Thankfully my parents are helping as much as they can but they aren't in much of a position to do a lot. So now I've begun the journey of finding a job and a new place to live, within a month without money, transportation, or a phone....needless to say it's very overwhelming.

This brings me to the last bit of my rant...after the 30th of the month the internet will be disconnected so I'll be taking an extended break from ATS and the internet in general. I just want you all to know that it's been a great pleasure to be a part of this community and hopefully I'll be back sometime soon with a successful update on my situation. Although none of you really know me I feel that I know a lot of you from the hundreds of threads I've read and I just want to say thank you to ATS for the education, entertainment, and sometimes insanity that has graced my computer screen. Sorry for the long-winded rambling, I just had to put this out there, it's actually been a little therapeutic. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated but really I just had to type this for myself to get a bit of the stress off my chest. Thanks in advance and good night, I've got a long day tomorrow.

I got divorced after 13 years, so it's going to be long tough road to get through, especially letting go of the hurt. Definitely look up your laws for the eviction. It might give you an extra month. And next time, never meet a person or go out with someone that you work with. That always ends badly.

Hope things get better for you and good luck to you.

You're not alone. I am going through a similar thing right now. I am hoping things get better because I just had my first day of work in over 2 1/2 years. I haven't seen my two little girls in a week now and it is driving me insane. Seems that women like to bail when the going gets tough.

You have my deepest condolences sir. What a vile woman & selfish woman to do that to you & to abandon her child like that. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, it really upset me. About your job, did you leave on good terms & put in a 2 week notice or did you quit abruptly? Perhaps you can get your job back or file for unemployment? Do you have any family that could help you & your child while you get back on your feet? Stay strong man & keep your head up.

reply to post by Crackavelli


Dear Crackervelli,

It gets easier. Married 25 years and she cheated on and left me with all the debt. Guess what, it gets better. It is not fun and it is not easy, it is quite painful; but, it gets better. Don't give up on love.

reply to post by Crackavelli


things will get better... i left with nothing but the cloths on my back...

Its rough starting over my friend, but its a fresh start...

Just try to stay positive... i know its hard at the moment...

God is with you though...

Believe that

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your troubles. I can't imagine what you're going through. That woman is a selfish, awful person for bailing on you and her kid the way she did. You're probably better off without her if she is capable of doing something like that (though that may not be what you want to hear). I really hope everything works out for you, I hate hearing things like this and can't stand seeing people in pain. I'm sure it will take some time but you'll pull through, things will work out themselves out eventually and even the most painful things hurt less with time. Please keep us apprised of your situation, we're rooting for you!

That breaks my heart to hear this!! I feel for you but much more for your son. I'm sure he doesn't understand what's happening and why. All I can say is my heart goes out to you and your son. Being divorced myself and with a son, I can sympathize with you both. It's not fair to the kiddos at all. I truly hope things work out for you both and good things come your way.

Keep your head up, better things will come!

Dear God. This is a story you expect to hear from a wife, not a husband.

I'm totally on your side because she left her son. What is she thinking? Although my mother left when I was 8 and it was the best thing she could have done for me. The more exposure each of her four kids had to her, the worse off they have been in life.

You will put this back together, and you'll look back on this eventually and be glad of it. If you eventually want it, I hope you someday find a true partner who will be what your wife was not.

ETA... Get a library card! You can still have access to the Internet there.

Well, it really sounds like you didn't see it coming at all. She must be quite an actress to hide her thoughts so well.

The shock of it all is quite tragic and horrible right now, but I do believe in my heart that things will in time be alright again, hopefully, sooner than later.

Nobody deserves to be dumped so cruelly. I have to think she is no prize (for doing that) and all I can say is get a good lawyer. I would not be surprised if she turns around and tries to get full custody. At this point, you know you can never trust anything she says, ever again. Personally, I think she's got another guy. I can't imagine ever leaving my child.

We care about you, you know. Don't despair, this is a blessing in disguise. If you can't see it now, you will. You deserve someone who loves you, not this.

God is looking out for you, He is always there to talk to and loves you more than anyone in the universe ever could. I hope you can know that in the moments loneliness come.

Perhaps your local library provides free internet access, mine does.

You are in my prayers.

reply to post by Crackavelli


Hey man, I feel for you. I went through a world of pain myself, my wife had an affair and then moved out leaving me with a mortgage I can not afford in a house that is too big for just me and that wont sell!
We have 2 daughters who we have 50/50, now divorced and I have to echo what people have said already, it gets easier. I have met someone else who adores my children and they adore her, I haven't felt this happy for what feels like ever!
Are you in the UK or the USA? Im in the UK and what I would say is that because you have a child that has been left with you I wouldn't have thought that you could be kicked out so easily, especially when you consider that your home is rented from your mother in law! What kind of woman is she?????
You have no money as you dont work, let her divorce you for a start. Also as you both agreed as a family unit that you should quit and stay home you will probably find that she will have to support you and your son and to some extent keep you both living the way you have been (financially). Legal aid anyone? You would qualify for this when it comes to divorce and any legal problems caused by an attempted eviction.
I would stand firm and refuse to move out, to me it seems like she has moved out and is wanting you out so she can move straight back in! Like I said earlier, her mother sounds like a cow!
One word of advice, get yourself a diary and start writing everything down that has happened so far and get a timeline of events going, keep this up from now on. Everything she says to you everything she does, how often she see's or has your son. Everything your Mother in law says and does with regard to her house that you rent and her grandson. If things get heated then at least you have something a little bit more professional than just a he-said-she-said argument.
You have done nothing wrong and it amazes me how many times I hear that women are using the I'm not happy argument to bail out of a relationship, unfortunately this may mean that she has met someone else.
You take care of yourself man, stay strong for yourself and your son!

Don't start drinking. At least not yet. You're going to need a clear head for the next few weeks. Maybe a few months.

Ask around about a good divorce lawyer. I know you won't have much money, but attorney fees can be included in a divorce settlement. File for child support as soon as possible. Abandonment should put you in a favorable position.

Try to get the court to quash (void) the eviction notice. for at least 90 days. This will buy time to find another place. Look into subsidized housing. It might not be the most desirable, but you're going to need all the help you can get for awhile.

Be prepared to file a protection order against her, her mother, and/or brothers and sisters that might try to make your life miserable

Keep your cool and don't do or say anything that might put you in a bad light.

Good luck..

Don't worry dude, things will get better. Sounds odd coming from a guy on the internet with the name Doomedtoday eh lol. But seriously, life can suck at times but that's just part of it. Say strong and make a good example for your child. With her leaving like that it seems like you and the youngun will be better off without her anyway. I know how it can be to be alone for the first time in years because about three years ago we lost our apartment and I was separated from my pregnant wife and child. Just remember that things will eventually get better though.

I got divorced in '95. Things will get better with time. 2 yrs. after my divorce I got custody of my 5yr old daughter from my ex demon of a wife.

Here's my advice: Get a job ASAP, have a friend or family member that you can vent to, spend a lot of time with your son in your free time doing fun things cause I'm sure he's hurting too, if you decide to drink some to relax don't drink n drive, and always remember IT WILL GET BETTER.

Good luck bro and enjoy your freedom!

Well guy I know just how you feel, I'm going through the same thing and the pain is hell and its not getting better. I am broken to the point I just wish I would die, I hate life its to much pain and after living with someone for 3 1/2 years and then losing them its lonely as hell. I feel I'll never find someone as awesome as she was. I miss my daughters so much to. I was in an accident at work and my foot was crushed so I have no way to pay the bills and I'm about to lose everything if the legal system don't work with in the next week. No one should have to go through this pain, I hope and pray everything works out for you asap, good luck man

reply to post by Crackavelli


I am sorry to hear about what you're going through, I can relate completely, having gone through the same thing twice in the last 12 years.

All I can say is focus on what makes you and your son happy, and try not to stress too much about the goings on. It is hard at the time, I know, but you do get to learn some very valueable lessons both about yourself and those around you in return for your trial by fire. Sadly it happens more often than not these days, and has left a lot of people cold and indifferent to the world as a result.
It will get better, time does (eventually) heal all things, as cliched as that sounds

Let me guess: Your wife is about 37 years old? If so, that would be it. That's a rough time. My suggestion is to go on with your life and just let the past lie in the past. Move yourself and your son forward. No bitterness, no regrets, no sadness, no ill will. Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start moving. I know it sounds hard but do it just that way and you will come out on top.

This is unlikely to be about any of you. It just is. Let it be that way.

Congratulations and good luck to you. The door is open. Walk through it to your new life.

reply to post by Crackavelli


I know there is always two sides to each story, but I feel intuitively that you've been seriously dumped on here.

My advice would be to take one day at a time. It's going to suck for a while and you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If you need to have a drink then that's fine, just try to remain aware of how much you are drinking and how it's making you feel. It will eventually make you more depressed if you're not careful.

I wish you all the best and trust that you will grow from this experience. Looking forward to your post next year, telling us how things are so much better.

Peace Out

One more thing to add:

Whether its 1yr or 50yrs divorce is rough at first. You will learn to adapt to any temporary or long term loneliness. Your spouse doesn't define who you are as a person, YOU define who you are as a man or woman. If kids are involved than make sure you get into court immediately and take care of that part of it so the ex spouse doesn't deprive you or your children of the love you both need. There's even a law that says your ex needs your permission to move your kids more than 100 miles away from you! So keep your kids close. Also by law an ex cannot restrict you from seeing your kids on a regular basis as long as your a fit parent with no record of abuse. Keep a journal of when you do or don't get to see your kids and any issues the ex creates in that process. You may need that info. for court.Take care of business, there's time for sulking later.

Remember it will be rough at first but in time it gets better. Be strong. Don't be pussies. Buck up and handle it like a man. You survived before without her/him and you will survive and thrive again!

And if you feel you'd make a better parent than your ex and the kids would be better off with you than fight (in court) for your kids. My dad told me once, "Let her have what she wants, let her take your daughter and just be done with it." I looked him in the eyes and told him F*#@ YOU and left lol 2yrs later I got custody of my daughter.

And if you can't get custody, when the kids turn 12 or 13 they can decide on their own who they want to live with.
Until then, make sure you ALWAYS show up ON TIME to pick up your kid(s) for your visits, never miss one moment to be with them.

Now man up and take care of court business ASAP!
Oh! And don't make the same mistake twice... nowadays marriage is just a legal contract, if/when you meet someone new you don't have to marry them to show your "love" for each other lol Be smart. Cover your own arse. Try just being boyfriend & girlfriend for 10+yrs 1st if you insist on getting married again eventually.

OK...this happened last week. So by now the shock has subsided a little. If you are like me and the divorce I went through, you've gone from emotional regret and sadness and disbelief to anger to depression...

Now it is time to man up.

Look at what you do have. You have your life, a good head on your shoulders...you are management material. You have your son. Your parents are able to help some...OK. Good so far.

Your wife left you... in many states, that means you owe her nothing. Further, since she has a great job, possibly you could get allimony.

She abandoned you and your son. that means possible sole custody for you and she probably will have to pay you child support.

Your parents are able to help some... the best money they could spend is to retain you a lawyer...now. Find out your legal rights.

Sit down and see if you could move in with them until you get a job.

A Job... you managed a restuarant. there is a big need for managers in the retail food industry. the hours suck and so does the pace, BUT you need a job...now.

In your off time, consider what kind of life you want for you and your son. This is a unique time for you. You get to start over. use this opportunity wisely.

Do you want to live in the city or the country? An apartment in the urban streets or the woods and wilds of say Montana in a cabin? Maybe a little town in middle America?

Try to avoid running up debt. No Debt. Go to free parks and museums and events and cultural activities around town with your son.

Read books...books about famous and successful people. One thing you will find is that all of them were at one time where you are now.

Get a spiritual life. I suggest church somewhere, but that is up to you. You will need the solace and guidance and support of a higher being.

Do as much as you can with your son and record it, log it, keep a diary... this will come in handy later on should your wife try something reprehensible.

After the greiving period...say a couple of months or so...make yourself go out... if only to a movie. You need to start taking care of you so you can be there for your son.

Once you find a job, throw yourself into it... the best revenge is success.

Realize that there will one day be someone else. Don't force it... just let it happen when it happens.

Oh.. and do things that are outside the box for you. that is how we grow.