The Bane of Being a "Friend."

Dude, here's my advice. Take it or leave it.

Quit being a wimp. Be confident, assertive and aggressive.

If you want it go get it. Don't ask, take it. (kiss her)

She wants you to make the first moves (all girls do)

You talk too much. Be the strong silent type for awhile.

Don't be romantic till you know she wants that from you.

Right now she likes being in control of your relationship.

She knows you like her. You need to man up and make the moves.

Screw her brains out like no one ever has before and then go from there.

Women like confident guys. If your attitude is "why should she want to hear my garbage" then you shot yourself in the foot before you even got started.

Invite her over, let her do most of the talking. If it gets silent and awkward then put the moves on her. If she rejects you. Then kick her out and move on.

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


Was that really neccessary? Women like assertive men, not vindictive ones...did you really need to come into this thread just to make me cry and prove your prowless with other women? Bravo, you wanted to hurt me, and you did....

Hey Truth.

We've all been there. Thinking and grinding every one of our actions and words of the last weeks to see where we went wrong. If we could have done something different to make her stay with us. You will never see a more useless berating of the mind.

Move on. Really, really, move on. If you play the 'I'm cool card' and stick around, you'll probably end up feeling miserable and with a battered self-esteem.

Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you.
The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

That is to say, if she had seen you in any light different than just being a friend, you would have had no doubt about it. You'd be a couple by now. That's the way we humans work.

Why be with someone that just takes from you, but is not willing to take you as you are?

When I see a wench, if I like the cut of her jib, I always sail close to the wind, and tack right up to her till I get the weather guage. If she won't dip her colors to me, and just bears away, I won't bother firing a full broadside, I'll just gybe over and run full and bye. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

But if she even gives an indication of striking her colors, why, I'll give her the whole nine yards. Be she cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, I'll rake her from stem to stern with my bow chaser, and she'll be mine, by hook or by crook.

I'm a sailor, that's just the way I fare.

Hey OP, for what its worth I was once 'that girl'.
I had what I thought ,was a best guy friend. I adored him, his mind ,everything! We tried dating a couple of times, but I found that he would change into a much more serious, needy, un-confident person. This wasn't who I was attracted to initially.
Over the years we were in & out of touch, & when my relationship with another broke down (I was pregnant) he appeared once more. While I was glad of the friendship & support, I later realised he was still carrying a torch.
Long story short, I didn't want to try as I had learnt that we were much better friends than lovers. I truly looked at this guy like a soul-mate/best friend & loved him truly in this way.
When I met my current partner a few years later, he just stopped contact. He didn't want to be friends at all.
I was really hurt & confused as I had never led him to believe that we'd ever be more than friends (I had explained my feelings many times) & I mistakenly thought he was ok with it. It really shattered me that if he couldn't have me then I wasn't worth being friends with.
I finally (years later!) can see why he did what he did. While I still miss & love him, I no longer am angry or hurt, & only hope that we can be friends again one day.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but just wanted you to know that she can think of you like a soul-mate but that doesn't mean that a relationship could/should be right.
Hope it all works out good for you.

reply to post by jewells


Sorry to butt in but your post just spoke volumes to me.
I too hope your friend can be your friend once more
It is so very difficult when you are madly in love with another and your love for them is unrequited
It is so very difficult to understand that someone can love you but not be in love with you
I feel it is sad that that such a situation is left unresolved
You can not help whom you love or fall in love with
Unconditional love is the only course but again Love is the easiest the hardest thing
Thanks for your post

Originally posted by CaptChaos
When I see a wench, if I like the cut of her jib, I always sail close to the wind, and tack right up to her till I get the weather guage. If she won't dip her colors to me, and just bears away, I won't bother firing a full broadside, I'll just gybe over and run full and bye. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

But if she even gives an indication of striking her colors, why, I'll give her the whole nine yards. Be she cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, I'll rake her from stem to stern with my bow chaser, and she'll be mine, by hook or by crook.

I'm a sailor, that's just the way I fare.

edit on 7-5-2012 by CaptChaos because: I want to see the "counselor" analyze me

I bet you got a missy mouse in every port you rascal

Originally posted by jewells
Hey OP, for what its worth I was once 'that girl'.
I had what I thought ,was a best guy friend. I adored him, his mind ,everything! We tried dating a couple of times, but I found that he would change into a much more serious, needy, un-confident person. This wasn't who I was attracted to initially.
Over the years we were in & out of touch, & when my relationship with another broke down (I was pregnant) he appeared once more. While I was glad of the friendship & support, I later realised he was still carrying a torch.
Long story short, I didn't want to try as I had learnt that we were much better friends than lovers. I truly looked at this guy like a soul-mate/best friend & loved him truly in this way.
When I met my current partner a few years later, he just stopped contact. He didn't want to be friends at all.
I was really hurt & confused as I had never led him to believe that we'd ever be more than friends (I had explained my feelings many times) & I mistakenly thought he was ok with it. It really shattered me that if he couldn't have me then I wasn't worth being friends with.
I finally (years later!) can see why he did what he did. While I still miss & love him, I no longer am angry or hurt, & only hope that we can be friends again one day.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but just wanted you to know that she can think of you like a soul-mate but that doesn't mean that a relationship could/should be right.
Hope it all works out good for you.

Jewells,

Thank you so much for those words. I don't think I ever thought of the situation in that light. Maybe I was fooling myself, and maybe there was something unspoken there (once again, I'm not sure). I've been doubting myself since I posted the initial thread, but something tells me that I did the right thing....for now anyway. What gets me is that she never said that we wouldn't be good as a couple, just that she was still hung up. Maybe that was my sign. I've been told that I'm far too bullheaded when I have my eyes on a goal. That's what makes me dangerous in the job world, but what makes me blind in affairs of the heart. I need to work on that.

In either case, I'm going to take more time and truly decide if I should remain friends with her. We've been through a lot together, and by me being foolish, I may have ruined a good thing. I'm prepared for a fallout either way. I've had this happen to me, but on the other side of the coin, in the past, and it didn't feel good. I'm looking after myself for now.

Thank you once again.



-TS

Originally posted by CaptChaos
When I see a wench, if I like the cut of her jib, I always sail close to the wind, and tack right up to her till I get the weather guage. If she won't dip her colors to me, and just bears away, I won't bother firing a full broadside, I'll just gybe over and run full and bye. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

But if she even gives an indication of striking her colors, why, I'll give her the whole nine yards. Be she cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, I'll rake her from stem to stern with my bow chaser, and she'll be mine, by hook or by crook.

I'm a sailor, that's just the way I fare.

edit on 7-5-2012 by CaptChaos because: I want to see the "counselor" analyze me

Thanks for the laughs!

Hey Truth.

We've all been there. Thinking and grinding every one of our actions and words of the last weeks to see where we went wrong. If we could have done something different to make her stay with us. You will never see a more useless berating of the mind.

Move on. Really, really, move on. If you play the 'I'm cool card' and stick around, you'll probably end up feeling miserable and with a battered self-esteem.

Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you.
The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

That is to say, if she had seen you in any light different than just being a friend, you would have had no doubt about it. You'd be a couple by now. That's the way we humans work.

Why be with someone that just takes from you, but is not willing to take you as you are?

You make some very good points RadioKnecht. If I compartmentalize these things I'll end up feeling worse in the end. I just got floored with everything, and after spending some quality time with my music equipment, I'm feeling a bit better. I just have to decide if I can salvage the friendship, because she is still a big part of my life. This is honestly a huge step in my development, as I've been one to just shrug it off, bury my emotions, and go on like nothing is wrong. This time was different, but for a different reason than I perhaps first thought. It took getting hurt to realize the follies of my ways.

(by the way, I'm using this as a spring board for my own thoughts....it's sometimes easier to see the words than to think them, so thank you for bearing with me).


Thanks for posting guys.


-TS

reply to post by SilverStarGazer


Yikes. If you're a professional counselor, I hope you're not charging for your services. What an incredibly mean, tactless and rude post. I've worked in mental health for many years, and I have run across counselors such as yourself. They are usually quite unpopular with their clientele, so they have to work in state-run situations where the clients have no choice as to whom they see. Why? Because they're secretly sadistic and enjoy tearing down people in distress and kicking them in the teeth.

The OP is not on here to be psychoanalyzed or diagnosed. I think you pointing out that you're a "professional" was more of a bid for attention and "respect" than anything the poster said.

I am rarely mean in my posts but, Holy Freudian Slip, your response to a cry for help was akin to stepping on somebody's fingers as they're dangling from a cliff. Just goes to prove, you can go to school to be a counselor but compassion isn't a course requirement.

Originally posted by jewells
Hey OP, for what its worth I was once 'that girl'.
I had what I thought ,was a best guy friend. I adored him, his mind ,everything! We tried dating a couple of times, but I found that he would change into a much more serious, needy, un-confident person. This wasn't who I was attracted to initially.
Over the years we were in & out of touch, & when my relationship with another broke down (I was pregnant) he appeared once more. While I was glad of the friendship & support, I later realised he was still carrying a torch.
Long story short, I didn't want to try as I had learnt that we were much better friends than lovers. I truly looked at this guy like a soul-mate/best friend & loved him truly in this way.
When I met my current partner a few years later, he just stopped contact. He didn't want to be friends at all.
I was really hurt & confused as I had never led him to believe that we'd ever be more than friends (I had explained my feelings many times) & I mistakenly thought he was ok with it. It really shattered me that if he couldn't have me then I wasn't worth being friends with.
I finally (years later!) can see why he did what he did. While I still miss & love him, I no longer am angry or hurt, & only hope that we can be friends again one day.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but just wanted you to know that she can think of you like a soul-mate but that doesn't mean that a relationship could/should be right.
Hope it all works out good for you.

I once played the other guy. Your so-called soulmate. I know why he never called back and just disappeared from your life.

Have you tried thinking what he felt when you rejected him? Regardless of how sweet and sugar-coated you might have made it for him.

He was -or probably is- incredibly hurt. With all certainty he was very much in love with you. He knew you very well, inside and out. He loved you at your most vulnerable. He cherished you at your most beautiful. However, when it was his turn to feel loved in the same way, he didn't meet your bar, however high, low, wide or what-have-you that is.

Knowing that your love is a one-way street can bring people to madness.

So there you have it. Even if it was never your intention, you hurt him like hell. Or at least that is how he perceives it. Unless he finds love with someone else -a fulfilling, nurturing love, you'll probably never hear from him again, except in those cardboard poker faced e-mails you send to wish merry christmas, happy new years and birthdays.

Let me reiterate, I know this because I have been there, exactly as you describe your experience. I know the feeling...still being around, holding that flickering candle from going out and hoping with every cell of your body that 'she' might finally realize how meant for each other you really are.

When you met your actual partner, he probably felt the most stupid human being on earth.

So try to get out of your head a bit and walk a mile or two on his shoes. Don't be hard on him. Rejection is a pill hard to swallow.

I'll leave you with this quote by Neil Gaiman:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain

Love can be a dog from hell.

reply to post by artistpoet


I wouldn't think there'd be too many people that wouldn't relate on some level. & yeah I am still sad it has never been resolved.(Though maybe for him it has)
From what I hear he's in a happy relationship now & that means the world to me ,for no other reason than he's a great guy that deserves the best.
I had really hoped that once he was settled/happy he could look at the situation differently- from another perspective. But it seems thats not to be as he still doesn't want any contact. The hurt obviously runs very deep.

In lots of ways I wish I could have felt the same love for him as he felt for me-to this day I've never connected with anyone the way I did with him. I'll always miss hanging out & talking to the wee hours. It didn't matter to me if he was male/female. To me he was just my best friend. And you're absolutely right-"You can not help whom you love or fall in love with" or in my case who you don't. Thanks for the reply.

oops double post!

reply to post by truthseeker1984


Glad it could give you a different perspective.
And I wouldn't give up hope. Maybe try moving on without her. It may just make her realize she isn't caught up on her ex still, but that its you that she misses. The saying that 'you don't know what you've got till its gone' is definitely true. If not, then it wasn't meant to be- at least not at this time. But then who knows what the future holds?
I like to think of my aunty's favorite saying, "Whats meant for you, won't go past you". ; )
Good luck to you.

reply to post by RadioKnecht


Hey RadioKnecht, thanks for the reply.
Although I should make clear that I've also been on the other side (More often than I've liked!)
And I agree totally, its a #ty, painful, gut-wrenching,utter aching in the soul kind of experience. I really wouldn't wish it on anyone, but when we open ourselves to love its the chance we take. Sometimes if you're really, really lucky, it'll work out. More likely, if you're in the majority you'll have to go through all of the awful above.
Its crappy, but its in those terrible times we can choose to learn & grow-or we can choose to become bitter & scarred. That choice is ours.
Far better to be grateful for the experience & the tools and gifts (yes even the painful ones!) it bestowed.
It'll also make you truly grateful when you do meet the right 'one' & not make the same mistakes again.
Best of luck to you.

Dear Op,

Hi..

Firstly, I would just like to say that I am sorry for what is happening to you right now. But everything happens for a reason. If she doesn't feel the same way about you, then you should think about letting go of her. Odds are that there is something bigger waiting for you.

Don't be someones second choice, or last resort. You will probably end up resenting each other in future for not being honest at the time. I know you have been, but clearly, this woman just doesn't know what she wants and it seems as though she is waiting for something better to come along. You deserve be with someone who is just as crazy about you as you are of her. Not some half hearted relationship.

Chin up, look forward to meeting your fate one day.
Things will work out, they always do.

TH

Originally posted by Tripple_Helix


Don't be someones second choice, or last resort. You will probably end up resenting each other in future for not being honest at the time. I know you have been, but clearly, this woman just doesn't know what she wants and it seems as though she is waiting for something better to come along. You deserve be with someone who is just as crazy about you as you are of her. Not some half hearted relationship.

Chin up, look forward to meeting your fate one day.
Things will work out, they always do.

TH

Those certainly are words of wisdom. Throughout most of our lives we will find ourselves on one side or the other in relationships we have had, being the one that is either madly in love or the one who is not, really is not much fun, either way, being hurt, or hurting someone else. With any luck, we pick up the pieces and learn from these experiences.

For myself I have learned that you cannot impose your will on others, BELIEVE what another tells you either through words or actions, it is what it is, you can't wish it away, or change someone elses feelings. It sounds so "simplistic" to say it all begins with honesty, but that actually is soo true I think.

If you find yourself in a situation where direct questions about how the other feels are met with avoidance, picking fights, retreat or "turning the tables" tactics are used, it's probably past the point of no return, you can't un-ring a bell.....Hope you feel better today OP.....

reply to post by MountainLaurel


I do feel a bit better today. I've been keeping my mind busy with other things since I'm not working today. Writing my music is helping quite a bit. I think after the initial freak out about what I said, I'm starting to calm down about it, and accept it. There was a reason that it happened, and I don't think it could have happened any other way. The ball is completely in her court now. I'd like to continue a friendship later on, but right now I guess I need to mend. Who knows, maybe I'll be in the 1% that actually has something work out in this fashion.

Thanks for all the posts. I appreciate all the comments, and they really are helping.


-TS

reply to post by truthseeker1984


My wife and I did the same thing for years...go back and forth, dating others, asking for advice on them, etc., until we both woke up (took me longer to "get it") and realized the right one was right there all along. Maybe it will be the same for you? Do any of her girlfriends wonder if you guys should be together? You may be able to use one of them as a proxy, for at least gauging the possibility of this working...see where her head is at.

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by truthseeker1984

 

My wife and I did the same thing for years...go back and forth, dating others, asking for advice on them, etc., until we both woke up (took me longer to "get it") and realized the right one was right there all along. Maybe it will be the same for you? Do any of her girlfriends wonder if you guys should be together? You may be able to use one of them as a proxy, for at least gauging the possibility of this working...see where her head is at.

Thanks for chiming in Gazrok!

Actually, yes, she does have a close girlfriend that has noticed our interactions. She even asked if I was "treating her well" assuming that we were actually dating with that label. There have been countless others that thought the same thing, and many of them have mentioned that in the past. We did everything together, and through my lack of proper communication, things weren't "put out there" so to speak. It's hard to explain. Her father has even thanked me several times for treating her well and "keeping an eye out for his girl." Like I said previously, I am confused at where I stand right now. I said what I said, and I can't take that back.

At this point, I have to keep to the possibility that things will not work out. I had to put my foot down, and I'm not sure if it was my mistake to become romantically interested in her or not. It's a very complicated situation that I'm not sure will have an easy fix.

Thanks man.


-TS