Introspective ramblings of today by a lonely partygirl (who never parties) in Japan

Hey PG, really enjoy your posts, always well written an revealing. It must be tough moving to another country with a totally different culture and language. I'm sure you will gain a lot from the experience. I think your very brave and it will all make you a better person in the long run.

Good luck and enjoy yourself

Epic venting there Partygirl! And bravo for letting it all hang out, I think that silent thunder says it best though, now that you have got it out of your system, cleared some space, you need to look within and find your centre. Work outwards from there. While it is great that you aspire to be a wife and mother, you should understand that that will only fill a part of your life, and to be the best at that, you need to be happy with who you are, otherwise you will reach a point in your life, when the nest is empty and you wonder what it was all for. A good mother let's her children go joyful in the knowledge that she has done her job well, and doesn't cling to them because her identity is wrapped up in being a 'mother'.

As far as the libido matter goes, it is one of the most common reactions to death, few things make us feel so alive as when we are skin on skin with another human being, and there is also, at a more primordial instinctive level a need to replace the dead with new life. I have heard of people who hang out at funerals because of the aphrodisiac power shot that being around death can provide. And most people are shocked when they realise just how many babies were conceived in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. Extreme conditions, and the will to live when faced with so much destruction, is what makes us, as a species, survivors and it can manifest itself in ways that we aren't necessarily prepared for in modernity, expecially when we are led by out belief systems that such ways are wrong. Nature is never wrong, it is though, on occasion inappropriate.

Don't knock yourself for being human, congratualte yourself instead for overcoming your baser instincts and allowing your reason to pull you through. Absolutely nothing embarassing about that at all.

I was going post my thoughts on this thread but then I read what Silent Thunder wrote, I may not have the experience of disaster that lends itself to understanding, but I believe I know words of wisdom when I see them.

I guess the only thing I will say to you Partygirl, is that if your words are a reflection of who you are, then it seems to me that you want to be a good person, I respect that.

But I must ask, would it do a horse any good to wallow in the mud after shaking it out?

If the mud is some form of guilt that you are feeling then I believe Silent Thunder was correct, the tool you are looking for is forgiveness, that only you can give yourself. Otherwise it is possible that while you seek to clean yourself of that mud, you may find yourself wallowing in it.

reply to post by Partygirl


You should change your ATS name to "Sweet Girl"

Man, I thought I I could talk. Get you going and you just won't stop will ya? Sometimes we all need to do that. Just let it out. It also helps to know that even if people can't respond to what you say by writing something right away, there is the star system.

Trust me, getting stars consistently to what you're saying, whatever it might be, can help a great deal when you know that someone is paying attention when you need them to. When you can't talk to them in real life or when you get nervous around them when you do see them in real life, that star system can be a life saver to your confidence level.

You sound like a good person PG and I'm sure good things will keep coming your way.

reply to post by Biliverdin



That was very well said Billiverden.

You've got more insight then I ever gave you credit for. *Tips Hat*

Hello Partygirl,

Thanks so much for your story! You have struck a chord in me. :-)

I would like to throw you one of those fish Silent Thunder wrote so eloquently about. So get ready to reel in your net!

13 years ago, I was 28 and almost died in a car accident. In fact, many things I've read or heard about near death experiences 'ring a bell', shall we say. A NDE can occur when you are actually dying, but also when you are confronted with a situation that makes the possibility of dying all too real. (I have experienced that too, but won't go into it here, although it may relate more to your experience. The EFFECT that my accident had on me was much more like what you experienced.).

My car was wrapped around a light post in the center divider on a freeway, 5 feet off the ground... I came out of it with 'only' a broken vertebrae. I completely recovered from it, except for some minor, but persistent issues with my back. I was in intensive care for 3 days, drugged to oblivion, and 2 days later, after they moved me upstairs, I asked a nurse to get me a form to sign so I could leave the hospital. I was feeling soooo full of life and carelessness that my broken back didn't phase me in the least. The doctors fitted me with an aluminum, robocop-style-corset, and I walked out of the hospital with clenched teeth fighting the pain, to my best friend waiting for me at the front of the hospital on his old BMW motorcycle (they have a soft suspension). He took me to my girlfriend's apartment in Brussels, where I spent 3 weeks on my back on her living room floor. I had always been the long-term-relationship-type, but had only been with this woman for about 4 months. She was the soulmate type and I was crazy about her and her 3-year-old daughter.

But during these 3 weeks on the floor of her living room, with my back in a mess (it didn't feel like i would ever be the same again physically), and her taking care of me, I didn't have a care in the world. The sun shining into the room seemed much brighter and energizing than normally. I felt like I was reborn and could do and have anything I desired. You wrote that you felt like a superstar. Well, that is exactly how I felt. You also wrote that you didn't act on any of those thoughts and feelings. Well, here is a feeling that I actually did act upon (this is that fish i was writing about earlier): I was feeling so alive and loving that feeling so much that I didn't want a girlfriend, whoever it was, to be in my way of satisfying my hunger for EXPERIENCE..... I am not just talking about a hunger for sex or love. I am talking about the feeling that you can do whatever you want because you're a star and you have no need whatsoever to be tied down by "regular people"... There is just too much to be conquered out there... Sooooo, from her living room floor, I ended our relationship. My own apartment was only about 200 meters from hers, but it took me almost an hour to get there. This was not my style at all, and I can very much relate to what you wrote about your personality having changed. Maybe a better way for me to describe it is that every day things, but also the people around me, didn't really matter anymore. Like this was an unimportant aspect of reality. What mattered much more was that I was alive and that I could make big things happen. Even as a kid, I had several experiences where I was lucky to survive, including a fire that burned down my grandparents' house. But this experience with my car accident was something else. I was pulled out of my normal paradigm and have never really been the same since. I have a wife and kids now, and live a quiet life, but when the intensity of real emotion / real experience is not there, I get extremely bored. "Normal" people bore the cr*p out of me, sorry to say. I don't enjoy that, but I don't see it as something wrong with me as a person, more like something that happened to cross my path.

Just like the earthquakes in Japan crossed your path. You suggest several times, a sort of frustration that gets you when others can't understand you. Well, that is exactly what I mean when certain people bore me. It's not that they are boring people. I just can't connect with them on a satisfying level. Those who do not understand what you went through are not living with the same intensity as you are. Simple as that! And after 13 years, I can tell you that it has never left me, but I can place it better. I have changed my whole life accordingly. Status, money, fake respect, fake friends, whatever, I could care less. The love of my wife and my children is almost more than I can bare. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

You may need to release some guilt. To just accept that something crossed your path and that you had no control over that. Just like you had no control over what kind of religious upbringing you had. It's what you do with all of that that counts. Some of those things have the potential to make you very happy.

Take care

reply to post by silent thunder

I sat here for 20 minutes after reading those three, Silent. And I still dont even know how to begin to answer.

From time to time, when you aren't being all...whatever it is you are, most of the time...you have a way of just..swooping down and destroying my ideas with your...truth? Is that what it is? Sort of. Like a dash of cold water. And its a fact that I got what I asked for. This is my roundabout way of trying to thank you, and failing as usual.

But. Well. first things first. because there is more than thanks. After that gift, I owe you nothing but honesty, and public honesty like you said. And honesty is not always only thanks, is it? You are right, its why I do what I do here. I never realized that dynamic so clearly as I do today.

And, honestly, Silent. Its a little more than I'm ready for. Your posts here today made me feel like I went into a fast-food place and ordered a burger and fries, and got served a 12-course banquet instead. And I know you speak from the heart (a strange and alien heart it is, but a real one). Your words are of great value to me when you do that. Fortunately it doesn't happen too often. I don't know how many 12 course banquets I can take! I'm being a little bit snarky because I'm flustered. But again, I got exactly what I asked for, without knowing it. I went into the fast-food joint and complained about the burgers, and lo and behold. A banquet. But a banquet takes time. I'll be thinking about what you wrote for a while. I'll chew on it.

So, thank you, silent. That's all I can say. Once again.

Its a good thing you have your flaws, otherwise I wouldn't be able to respond at all. (And that's an even bigger roundabout complement from me, in case you don't realize! And so in that spirit, one peep of protest, if I may. In the face of your symphony of truth, allow me to pull out my humble kazoo. Be it ever so humble, at least its mine. And however inadequate and flustery and silly it makes me feel to respond to your symphony with my kazoo, I also realize its a relief, to have a kazoo, after all. Because it means I'm me and not you. So maybe you don't have to worry so much about me after all? Dare I pipe up, with my kazoo-like...could you be projecting a teensy bit, mister man? I'm not going to fall off the edge of the earth quite yet. Something for you to chew on. Maybe you can teach an old dog a few new tricks. If you have a dogwhistle. Or a kazoo.

But will come back to the banquet/symphony and work my way through it, kazoo or no kazoo. You're a heavy dude, ST. As I've heard you yourself say about people you admire. It's a funny expression, and fitting. With all the positives and the negatives it entails.

And on that rusty little peep of protest in the face of a payload of truth, I will shift, or modulate, lol, away from the kazoo and muster up a string quartet, at least I can manage that, if not a symphony. (see, I can work the metaphor game too ) A nice string quartet, of humble thanks. Not just for you, but for everyone who has read or written something in this thread. A better way to end than a kazoo:

reply to post by Everyone in this this thread


It strikes me now, I've said "thank you" to every poster so far in this thread. And I meant it every time! And in a different way each time! How neat is that! I'll get around to answering each one individually, but after silent's, that's all the heavy truth I can handle for today, at least. But keep it coming, if you feel the urge to respond! The best is yet to come, right! Always!

This is the best thread for me since I left ATS last december for a few months to be with that awful man-boy, as I think of him. Not a single one of you has been mean, and each of you has helped me in your own way with your comments here.

I'm not alone anymore! The...public confessional...(what an awkward term, But fitting of course) works its magic when I needed it.

So... Thanks ATS. All of you. Makoto ni arigato gozaimasu. "Makoto ni" is really the only way to say it, there is nothing in English (especially American English) that carries the same sonorous, ancient gravitas of that expression. The conventional translations ("from the heart," "sincerely") fall short. I guess we'd have to go rummage around in Greek or Latin for that kind of dignity in the West. But I'm not studying Greek or Latin, I'm here, in Japan of all places. A place where the gravitas is still alive, alongside all the silly pop culture stuff that's more noticible. I think in the end I like the gravitas Japan the best, although it's harder to digest. So: makoto ni thank you all, ATS, every one. from the heart. I'm not lonely anymore!

reply to post by Partygirl


God love you sweetheart, you aren't alone; in more ways than one. Did I ever tell you I was an Aaronic priest when I was in the Marine Corp? Of course, most Mormon men are, but I just wanted to let you know I've been there too. I participated in many of the activities at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Honolulu during my off time. I had the same "crisis of faith" as you.

I was raised a Southern Baptist, but after I filled out a card for a free Book of Mormon when I visited the Temple in Salt Lake City the missionaries came calling as soon as I got home. I listened to what the elders said and it made sense, so I was baptized into the church in 1978. Several years later, I drifted away from the church and started going back to my Baptist roots. I've kind of become disillusioned with that as well.

Like you, I concentrate on my personal relationship with Christ. Dogma be damned, I believe that if we keep Him in our hearts that we'll be OK. There are hundreds of Christian denominations all claiming that they are right. I can't imagine a just God condemning any of His children because they were never taught the true Word.

So see? You aren't alone, not by a long shot. I understand exactly how you are feeling and if you want to talk about it I'm right here. You'll be fine Partygirl. Just keep the faith.

Partygirl, we are polar opposite religiously and politically as are you and your moniker, but you are a bold and courageous young woman. You are actively exploring the world and making consequential analysis about your reality. That puts you likely some 70% above your peers, who like most young people sort of drone through their early years following a path they did not really plan themselves. So good for you. Keep it up and you'll be fine. I'd tell you the secret about it being all in the journey and there really is no destination, but that's a kind of truth one can hear, but only believe after much of life is lived.

Your decisions re not meeting other posters is, I think, another wise decision on your part by the way.

reply to post by Partygirl


Hi Partygirl,

I've read the whole thread, and plenty of people have commented that the reactions you had were normal for the extreme situation, that when faced with death, people often have the urge to reaffirm life, so I won't speak to that. What I would like to touch on is that given the feelings you describe, extreme euphoria, unusually strong libido when normally you don't focus on appearance or sex appeal (of either self or others) and can easily take-it-or-leave-it, and the rest of your description - I think you hit the nail on the head when you identified mania. I have bipolar mania, and after 44 years, have learned to recognize it when it happens.

I think of it as "magic time" to myself - you feel like you are floating through the day - time gets fuzzy - and you feel like you can attract people with just a thought, that everyone loves each other and you know what people are thinking, and that this is your true nature and the way it should be. THEN eventually (days or weeks later) it escalates, breaks up, and you start to feel like you have had way too much coffee, the floaty feelings become jagged feelings, the sense that time is suspended breaks down and instead you feel like there are ragged little skips as your attention is dragged from one thing to another. It is THEN that you start to feel as though you haven't been your usual self, and you start to feel guilty (whether or not you took action on any of the things going on in your head) and disjointed and out of sorts. That's when you just want to be your normal self, who you have known all your life, and you feel ashamed for even thinking like this other person. In other words, it's all good until all of a sudden it isn't good at all any more.

I think the experience you went through may have flipped you into a short-lived manic episode. And this very well may be a normal reaction to death, I don't know. I know that I have heard many times that people have reactions they feel are strange or inappropriate, when dealing with death. You were a young lady in a foreign land with death and tragedy on a massive scale, around you. I think you were very strong in dealing with it as well as you have, and now having gone back to Japan to face it head on. Kudos to you, and stay strong.

I meant it for sure about keeping notes. Because of your travels and experiences you will forever have a different relationship with your world and the other people in it and I hope you go on to publish your experiences. Many people never grow and never touch a world outside of the one in which they grew up. Sharing it with others, you could make a difference.

Take care,
Gwynnhwyfar

reply to post by Partygirl


Partygirl, you know I always like your threads. There always so cool and interesting, strange life and strange little path you have had Partygirl.

But there is a reason why you chose that name PG when you joined, it may not be because your much of a partygirl, and there is a reason why that little quake they had in japan then made you feel alive. It's a pretty normal felling, especially if your life has been on routine and a little stagnant, and especially if you have been raised on routine, when things shake up it does kind of wake you up from those routines a bit.

I have been in some quakes none of them were all that huge from what I remember, but every one of them made me fell more aware and broke the mist I was in for a second or two. And some even made me laugh and giggle while people were running around or jumping under desks. But such is life and I ain't even a rush junkie, in fact I find it hard to get much of a rush from the things most people find a rush, and to tell the truth even an earthquake and the world falling on my head will not wake me up.

You know what you want Partygirl which is more then can be said of most people including me, so do your thing, and try to enjoy yourself more if not for yourself then at least for those of us who cant. Anybody can go full-on and nonstop on the highway of life, but few know when to slow down and take a right turn to another destination, and even fewer know when to get off the ride.

You worry to much Partygirl, I do find it kind of silly, or I used to. But you know! your another one of those people that have a habit of growing on me. Besides you performing a important function, I mean have you heard them Japanese try to talk the ingrish, they do need someone to help them with the all the hidden letters and the L in the English language.

Now before I go on a rant about how pointless it is to have silent letters in a language, no really who invented that #, it's totally crazy. It's like the letter is there and clear as day when you write it down. But no you cant say it aloud because it's silent. It does not exist but on paper...ohhh whatever crazy people who invented it. Something either is or it isn't, it cant be both at the same time. It's bound to confuse them japanese no dupt. And we really need to invent a new language one that isn't so confusing.

Oh and you might as well get to know the culture better since your there, no really the whole anime theme and the history of japan is a pretty interesting one, maybe Partygirl its time for you to quit being in strange lands with your minds eye on other lands. And open your eyes up to the place your at in the moment, and I would not worry to much about the whole family and children thing. Its practically impossible that at some time somewhere that wont come, and you still got lots of time ahead of you for kids and all that. According to your profile wall your totally a youngin.

Besides kids are annoying, and a big time consumer.

And to tell the truth Partygirl I do not think your mature enough for all that yet, and still to young to be consumed by such things, give it some time. Plus kids! well there worse then keeping a dog or taking care of plants, you probably have to feed them everyday, and water them at least once every other day so that they don't wilt. And not to mention all the other things you have to put up with.

And if you get all moody over a little quake, well you might want to give it a bit more time till you find yourself and your way. So ya, chillax on that. And most importantly like I said in another thread, bring back some souvenirs take some pictures and have yourself some awesome moments while there, get to know the culture a little better, and even the reasons why it is like that over there. Believe me there pretty interesting reasons "why" and try to catch some pictures with the Tokyo dance trouper dude or Vader. I mean you probably wont find them as it seems there retired, but you never know.

But if you actually do run into them, plz try not to hog the spotlight.

Our beautiful, intelligent sincere baby girl is growing up in a land distanced from her heritage, her religion and her world view. When you age by months and years you question everything around you. That's what learning is. And there is nothing better than parting from your life's umbilical cord to experiencing the joys of pure life even if it contradicts the very essence of your upbringing and beliefs. That's what living this earth is all about Party Girl. And believe you me, your questions, your expectations and your quest to learn, absorb and digest the complex human emotive and physical rewards that are given to us as a species that can merit growth in our knowledge, that has always been given by whatever creator you divulge in. Are we not human? Are we not creative? Each life is a creation and it has no bounds on what that life or soul can paint for itself in all aspects of science, intellect or beauty. Trust not only in your modern day god, but also the essence of the human being since time began. We all leave footprints on this land. They are shadows of who we are. Look to where your feet fall and enjoy the fact you can walk them. You are now at the very heart of womanhood my lovely, go out there and wow them as your creator wanted. Your creator is your genetic code of all your ancestors whom have created the very skin you live in.

You are adorable NonePartygirl
I like reading your posts and threads
i know what you mean .. you are probably very energetic like me
but not to party all night long .. you find that in a way arrogant and useless
when we know there is so many people suffering right now
never felt comfortable my self partying .. tried with friends yrs ago but simply dont feel at my place

I feel you are also very sentimental about doing things right
you are starting to feel a bit disconnected from your familly religion traditions
and you start doubting about more things

Like mine being catholic
Did school for 4 yrs with the nuns even slept there each weeks
in a big room of 40 other kids
and 4 times a day it was prayers
before each meals and before going to sleep
right now i dont even remember them
the religion never influenced me
always had faith in the Creator and in my soul

What a great experience you must have in Japan
imagine all the people you must be helping there
you are not a mormon missionary but God missionary

Wish i was there myself
you are a courageous good Partygirl
keep up the good work is all i can say

Ben81

reply to post by Partygirl


You don't have to feel guilty about anything, what you experienced after the earthquake was probably a normal experience for people who go through something like that. I think it is admirable that you became more grounded again eventually and that you didn't *act* on any of your impulses. I also think it is admirable that you want to help people, even if you have no obvious skills, there are always ways you can contribute... even in the smallest situations. Also, if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

Hmm... I have gone through many spiritual struggles myself, in the past, and even had a major one today. I'm constantly discovering more about myself and the universe around me.

I'm glad you aren't lonely anymore. If you ever are, just reach out and you'll be fine. ^_^

Just want to thank those who have commented again, especially those who commented after my last post and who I didn't reply to individually. You all opened your hearts in this thread and I am grateful. I have treasured your words.

For some reason this thread took a lot out of me. I really don't feel I can comment any more on it. It was like a squall or hurrucane...the intensity of emotion that I had when writing it washed over me and is now gone. I guess that's a good thing, we can't function if we feel this way all the time. So I'm going to put this thread behind me now. Thanks again, everyone who shared their ideas in this thread really touched me.