Introspective ramblings of today by a lonely partygirl (who never parties) in Japan

I'm crying now as I write this.

Because in the darkest moment, when I felt so weak and hated myself, I learned that humanity's capacity to help each other is the proof of something good, something infinitely better. I call it "God" but you don't have to, I guess. But know this: its there. Its in the way we treat each other at times of need. When we see people being good to other people, in ways big and small, every day, we know this universe is not a place of pure evil : It is also a place of lux aeterna. And this light comes through us.

It wasn't just the help I got, not at all. Mostly it was seeing the help the world gave Japan, and the help people in Japan gave each other. Their stories are more important than mine anyway.

We all get by with a little help from our friends.

And in the end, that's all we have.

But guess what - its all we need.

[Epilogue to this thread]

So I got some help from a few friends and went home. I tried to put a normal life back together.

Working in a mall, that's normal. Hanging out with my friends (virtual as well as real) - that's normal. And it was a great year for me, ATS. I felt normal again. I got some pretty good writing done, here on ATS mostly but some more personal stuff for myself. And somehow little things stopped bothering me so much. I felt like something crusty and ugly on the surface had broken away from me, like when a horse shakes its shanks and a scrim of crusted mud breaks apart and flies off. (Ever seen a horse do that, city people? If not, you're missing out). The rest of the year and early 2012 (bad boyfriend experience notwithstanding) was maybe the best yet for Partygirl. I was calm. The mud was gone. Little things didn't bother me so much. I let go and let God.

But...there is surface mud, and then there is deeper mud, I came to realize. Sometimes a horse needs to be really rubbed down with a bristle brush, and shaking the surface mud off isn't enough. Mud can cling to the roots of horsehair. And sometimes late at night I'd feel so guilty for giving up, for running away, and for that terrible stupid irrational exuberance. Sometimes I still hated myself a little, I guess. For what I felt, and for being selfish when so many had it so worse.

So gradually a plan formed. I'd get the bristle brush and give myself a proper scrubbing. Because whem you go back to a place you've run away from, it can make up for the running away, right? When you confront your fears you can learn how to stop fearing them. My dad taught me this. When you look under the bed, you make the nighttime monsters go away.

Is it true in all cases? I don't know.

But that's what I'm here to find out.

Wish me luck, ATS.

Love,

Partygirl

JMHO

Your feelings after the quake were completely normal. What you felt was the natural affirmation of the value of life that one experiences when one comes close to losing it.

But perhaps there is a bit more to it. If you are really honest with yourself, to what extent were these feelings the result of having so much self-control due to your religious upbringing? Maybe the emotional charge you felt was your subconscious mind taking advantage of the crisis to tell you that you need to live a little more, to be a little wilder and more fun-loving.

Either way, it seems to me you are awfully hard on yourself. You are entitled to live your life. You do not have to conform to what any establishment or tradition tells you to do. Remember, THEIR code does not have to be YOUR code.

Peace and love to you.

Hi, I have been a Christian for about 19 years. I was at once a republican, because their values seemed closest to mine and after Ruby Ridge and stuff, I in NO WAY wanted another Clinton in the WH. So then I believed Bush Jr. (After all, he said he was born-again and who was I to judge?) So, in around 2005, I was awakened to the same evil in the more elite of the Republican party that I saw in the Clinton administration. It was a huge shock. I also have had my faith refined as I studied the Bible. I was a Baptist, then non-denominational, then charismatic, then German Baptist, then Pentecostal and now non-denominational again. I am glad to see your thread.

Well I paid some extra money to stay in the internet cafe. I decided its actually cheaper to hide out here all day than running around Tokyo on a holiday. There is a Japanese saying to the effect that "The price to twirl around [i.e., in a bodily sense] once in Tokyo is 5000 yen" (about $60). It's not quite that bad, but its all too easy to waste money here without realizing it. I was in New York last autumn for a friend's wedding and I felt the same way. I don't know how you big city people come to grips with it, especially anyone living on a normal or low salary. Which is one morereason why a single year in a big city like this is about all I can take at a time without losing my mind.

So I'll answer your responses.

Originally posted by Neopan100
You should feel so lucky to be in Japan..radiation or not..Sitting here in s. illinois..it's hot and humid and there is absolutely nothing to do! Tokyo must be very exciting.
I would probably be stuffing my face if I were there with you!

Thanks...yeah, I'm having a good time, the constant stimulation is great. I was here before like I said so its not entirely new to me. Every place has its own "feel" and there is this "Tokyo feel" you get the minute you hit the pavement, its totally indescribable and very apparent.

This is a great city for a woman because the crime rate is so low, too. Something I appreciate. I feel mostly safe here walking around even at night which is something I didn't feel in the few other big cities (Las Vegas, New York, Boston, and even Salt Lake City) I've visited.

Originally posted by Taupin Desciple
I'm standing by...............................................Where's it at?

You're never alone on ATS honey, that's one good thing about this place. There are a lot of listeners here, myself included, who'll try to pick you up if you feel lonely.

How long are in Japan for and when will you get to go back home? Wherever home is.

Thank you so much.

My contract runs for 3 months as a probationary period then I sign a 9-month one so there is an expectation I will spend a year here. I don't plan on spending more time than that. I want to go back to Utah where my family is, I feel my destiny is in the desert. The Great Basin Desert in the US is part of my soul, I really believe that.

I don't really know what I want to do with my life, I'll be happy to be a normal working joe (or jane) doing stuff in the mall or whatever work I can get, really. I have vague ideas about learning horticulture or permaculture. I am an English teacher here but I'm not a "real" teacher, I am an assistant-teacher working for a private company, and my tasks are more like drilling people, teaching them conversational expressions, etc. correcting pronunciation, etc. It's not like a real teacher in a school. Even to get this job, though, most people need a college degree but I got VERY lucky to get offered this job with no degree, I am told it is rare to have that chance, even though the work doesn't strike me as intellectually challenging. The person who gave me this chance is a Japanese businesswoman who owns a medium-sized company who I came to know in a roundabout way the last time I was here. She gave me a chance to do this job, to train her salesforce for English as they are expanding overseas. She doesn't have a degree either, and has had to fight hard to be a businesswoman in a very male-oriented culture. I respect her a LOT and I hope I don't let her down.

Originally posted by hoagy1199
reply to post by Partygirl

 

Hey there PG, no worries. I had a friend that did the english in Japan stint too several years ago. I got plenty of letters back then. Keep your spirits up. You should be having a goodtime.

Thanks!

Most ELT teachers in Japan seem to hate it. I admit the money is not so good, and the job is maybe not the most interesting one but so what? I don't see why people complain about it so much.

What do you think, was it a positive experience for your friend? Did he/she have any words of wisdom you could pass on?

Originally posted by twohawks
I have a question for you, are you a sushi lover?

I like it, sure! Why not. Sushi is not a strong-tasting thing, I think. I mean, you hear, "raw fish" and you think something that tastes really fishy, but when its fresh, most of it seems to taste like nothing at all.

To be honest, though, I don't eat it all that often, its sort of above my budget. Last time I was here I would occasionally go to the kaiten sushi places, where the little plates move around a track, that's not so expensive. Mostly what I eat here are various kinds of noodles, stuff from the grocery store, bento, and rice balls (onigiri) from the convenience store. These have fillings like salmon, etc.

The great thing about Japan is that even the cheap food is healthy, for the most part.

Originally posted by wildtimes
reply to post by Partygirl

 

Aww...sweetie, you're not all alone. I'm sorry for your loneliness...I've been tracking your Tokyo adventure.
I admire your guts, and your courage.

Sorry your room is shabby, but remember, there are people who are paying attention....
and I've looked for your posts. There's so much negativity going on. I'm glad for your contributions.
For what it's worth.
~wildtimes

Thanks for the positive thought.

Its easy to get discouraged and lonely. ATS helps. I have to take a deep breath sometimes with some of the negative comments, especially here in Tokyo because this is one of my few ways to connect with Americans. So when somebody says something nasty here I have to take a deep breath and stand back. I visualize the worst trolls as junior-high old boys, that helps me put them in the right mental box, fair or not.
:

Originally posted by _BoneZ_
You're never alone. Whether it be here, in ATS chat, or wherever. And some of us read your posts whether we get a chance to respond or not.

Thanks! I never really know who is paying attention.

I am glad you are reading, even if you never respond!

Originally posted by gwynnhwyfar
reply to post by Partygirl

 

Watching and waiting for your next post. You and I don't much agree politically or religiously, but I respect you as a very smart young lady with a lot of common sense. You are certainly out there living life right now! Please keep the news coming. Also, you should definitely keep some private notes, so that you have the option to write your experiences up in a book some day.

Thanks. I will take your advice. I do keep a journal, which is usually a series of word files but now I don't have my own computer anymore so I went back to using paper and pen like my dad made us do when we were younger. It is a totally different type of writing experience, I'm finding.

Edit to add: If you have the time and interest, check out the link in my signature, "a political journey". Its easily my favorite thing I ever wrote on ATS and I think its something even people who are very politically different than me can appreciate on some level. I hope so, anyway.

Originally posted by starwarsisreal
Partygirl ur not the only loner (no offense) I'm also one due to my status of being a nerd and the fact I refuse to join the "cool kids club" when they bullied me into joining them via verbal abuse

Thanks! I appreciate you taking the time to say so.

You sound like you are still in school, maybe? If so, here is one of life's great truths - the "cool kids club" become the least interesting people when they grow up, while people like you become the most interesting! Hang in there, your time will come!

My advice: Read the "great books" of literature on your own for fun (not the way they make you read them in school). They are friends who will never let you down!

Originally posted by colbyforce
So, what ever happened with that guy you were seeing that didn't want you on ats anymore? I remember that thread of yours... Hope you dumped his sorry a$$. Hang in there. Life is a test of strength and fortitude. You seem strong. You'll be ok.

edit on 29-4-2012 by colbyforce because: (no reason given)

Thanks. I came out OK. You can read about it here if you really want but I don't think its all that interesting. He was a creep, ATS was correct, of course, he ended up manipulating and controlling me and I fell right in with it for a few months.

I don't know what came over me. I was lonely, he was charming and handsome. He knew all the right buttons to push. I always knew guys like that existed but I always thought I was too smart to fall for one.

HA! Shows me what I know! I fell as hard as they fall. Like I said I was lonely. And he has such a nice smile.

Some people lie as easily as breathing and they take advantage of ANY kindness. He knew, somehow, without being told, exactly how to get me to do what he wanted and keep me that way. He never laid a hand on me in a violent sense, he wasn't physically abusive. His specialty seems to be head games.

I'm still trying to figure out how he did it. A sick mixture of good manners and a "cleancut healthy" surface impression...lies, and a willingness to play headgames overlaid with charm and REALLY good looks. Sorry us girls can be shallow too. lol. And he has a commanding presence, I tend to fall for guys like that, the confident take-charge, I-know-what-I'm-doing guy, yet not loud and obnoxious. Strong without seeming like a jerk. Contrary to what a lot of guys seem to think on the internet "acting like a jerk" is NOT attractive. But CONFIDENCE is and he has it in spades.

The creepy stuff came slowly, and he did it in such a skillful way I didn't even notice what I was losing. He got me to slowly stop spending time with anyone he didn't like, which was everyone in my life, basically, but not in a way that they would notice.

You know what, though - my brother knew from the beginning he was no good, and it was my brother who woke me up. This guy wanted me to stop calling my parents "except on holidays" and we are a close family. I live near my family and always manage to stop by or at least call once or more a week. When my brother heard that he FLIPPED and drove over there and started screaming at the guy. My brother is ex-army and served in the Middle East. He can be VERY scary when he wants to be. lol. The evil bf just WILTED in the face of my brother's rant, and seeing the whole thing woke something up in me. That was it, I haven't seen him since. I'm sure he's got another girl or more. one of his last "projects" manipulating me before we broke up was to try to get me to "let him have another girlfriend on the side because you are such a prude." I still had the presense of mind to put my foot down at that but I'm sure he'll find somebody who will let him.

Originally posted by Grumble
JMHO

Your feelings after the quake were completely normal. What you felt was the natural affirmation of the value of life that one experiences when one comes close to losing it.

Without realizing it, this is the kind of response I was unconsciously fishing for with this thread. Because of all the things in my life I've ever done or felt, that's what I hate the most about myself, hands down. lol. So thank you for providing the affirmation I needed about my feelings. I know its underhanded and sneaky in a girly way to start a thread fishing for affirmation but in my defense I didn't really do it consciously. I think. lol.

But all the affirmation in the world, from strangers OR from people who know me can only go so far because still I am disgusted with myself for that feeling. I can't really express it. I tried hard and came close in this thread but words of us men and women are imperfect and our language can never fully express deep things of the heart. I believe that. Even so, Being honest about it helps. Being honest in public in this thread has REALLY helped. Hearing you say that has REALLY REALLY helped!

It has something to do with feeling like that when so many people were suffering and dying. There is something grotesque about that I'll maybe never be able to really forgive myself for. Belive me, I'm trying.

But I'm still going to feel bad about it. Maybe forever. The most I can do is try to be honest with myself about it.

I don't really know if its a normal reaction or not. Like I said above, one of the greatest things for me was finding out other people also felt the same thing. But NOT everyone. Some people don't have a clue what I'm talking about and didn't respond like that at all. Most people, maybe.

It has been suggested I go to counciling but I've never had enough money for that and to be honest I don't really trust shrinks/councelors all that much. Maybe I'm wrong but I was raised to mistrust such people and even when I try to look beyond how I was raised, my impression of secular psychology is not positive. Some ATSers can relate, (even non-Christian ones) - there is a lot of skepticisim about psychologists here, with good reason. I don't trust the discipline as a whole because A) its in bed with big pharma and I'm not going to take pills to make my problems go away, I ABSOLUTELY reject that and B) I think psychology's primary purpose is to adjust people to a sick society rather than cure them (is my tinfoil hat showing? )

But perhaps there is a bit more to it. If you are really honest with yourself, to what extent were these feelings the result of having so much self-control due to your religious upbringing? Maybe the emotional charge you felt was your subconscious mind taking advantage of the crisis to tell you that you need to live a little more, to be a little wilder and more fun-loving.

Mmmm...touchy subject. You know, I don't know...I don't know.

I KNOW God exists, I LOVE Him, I place myself WHOLLY within His will. That's non-negotiable.

The rest is detail. If its His will I suffer in this way than so be it, its a lot less suffering than most human beings have!

When I really look at things, despite my complaints I have a good life and I give thanks and praise to the LORD for it.

I know you are trying to help, but that's part of me and like I said, non-negotiable.

Either way, it seems to me you are awfully hard on yourself. You are entitled to live your life. You do not have to conform to what any establishment or tradition tells you to do. Remember, THEIR code does not have to be YOUR code.

Thanks, I'm working on it !

Originally posted by Clearskies
Hi, I have been a Christian for about 19 years. I was at once a republican, because their values seemed closest to mine and after Ruby Ridge and stuff, I in NO WAY wanted another Clinton in the WH. So then I believed Bush Jr. (After all, he said he was born-again and who was I to judge?) So, in around 2005, I was awakened to the same evil in the more elite of the Republican party that I saw in the Clinton administration. It was a huge shock. I also have had my faith refined as I studied the Bible. I was a Baptist, then non-denominational, then charismatic, then German Baptist, then Pentecostal and now non-denominational again. I am glad to see your thread.

Thanks! Your story sounds not so different from mine in essense, although you are older than me and and didn't start out Mormon. But we both reached the non-denominational zone. I think that's where the truth must lie in the final analysis.

The only problem is that great lies lurk here too...discernment is SO hard. lol. We must trust the LORD is what it all comes down to I guess.

Charismatic/Pentecostal is very attractive to me when I'm in a certain mood, but I've never had much experience with it. I suppose there can be truth there...speaking in tounges is in the Bible, the gifts of Pentecost are real. Whether or not those who claim them now are truly of God is another thing. Some Charismatics are so...out there...lol...hard to know what to make of it...

I was too young to remember Ruby Ridge but if you want to get my normally quite-clean-mouthed father to start swearing, mentioning Ruby Ridge is probably your best bet.


Best wishes for your walk with the LORD.

Allright, maybe this is a good place to stop this thread for today, at least. I need to go get some sunlight. Actually I don't even know if its sunny or not lol. I'm in the bowels of a huge windowless building full of dark cubicles and computers. More like one of the government minstries in Orwell's "1984" than an "internet cafe". Lol.

Thanks for responding, all of you who did. And thanks for reading, those of you who did. Even if you didn't say anything, just knowing somebody is there makes me feel a little less lonely.

See you later ATS!

Hi PG. I enjoyed reading your writing today. You are in an exceptionally frank and revealing mood, which is usually a good sign in my oh-so-humble and ever-limited experience. But be careful about opening yourself up too carelessly to strangers on the Internet, even on good old ATS. It's always all-too-tempting for lonely expats, among many others who find themselves in strange spaces (physical or psychological). There is something about the public e-confessional booth in particular that packs a punch no private communiques or journal scribblings ever can. It's heady stuff. Strong medicine. And thus requiring cautious and judicious use. A lesson I've learned the hard way more than once, as you well know.

And yet, if done right It can be just the thing for the traveling blues, and genuinely cathartic if not downright revelatory and transcendent. Heck, most days, this worn-out old exile can barely stop himself from indulging in the same danged thing, and often not for lack of trying, either. So allow me to take the mic for a moment, in the spirit of a fellow traveler who recognizes the mood you seem to be in all too well.

I was unconsciously fishing...with this thread.

Since you are admittedly on a public fishing expedition let's see what creatures from the briny depths I can throw into your wide-cast internet-net. You've already gotten one quite nice fish in this thread, and devoured it with grateful and obvious hunger, but you deserve a few more for sure.

One good wall-o-text deserves another, after all.

And the whole point of a public fishing expedition is sharing the catch with our loyal audience, be it big or small, no? That's both the captivation and the danger of the internet-as-public-confessional / fertile fishing ground.

Captivation and danger. Let's riff on that theme for a minute. Quite a pair. And notice how frequently they travel together, especially when you are in a traveling way, in a far off place. It's all too captivating. But captivating can all to easily morph into its evil cousin: addictive. One danger of many.

And that's what I want you to be careful of more than anything, PG. I don't know if I've been at all successful in communicating what I want to communicate to you, my fellow traveler and Japan-survivor, but if you take only one thing away from everything I've ever said or written to you, its that you've got to make sure your captivation with life - in all its glorious forms - doesn't shade off into addiction. "Shading off" is another way of saying "modulate," as you may or may not realize. Captivation tends to modulate to addiction, in all things. And now I modulate the conversation so I'm not just talking about the captivation/addiction of the internet as public confessional and fishing lake for the lonely traveler (dangerously tempting enough) but, more deeply and dangerously, the content of your confession, not just the form. Specifically, what you choose to call:

...irrational exuberance...

Strip away everything but the essential, and this thread is really nothing but you covering yourself with ashes and sackcloth for feeling something that is a common response to catastrophe, at least for a certain personality type, if not for most people. What is rare about you is that A) you have the desire to be honest about it to yourself at all, let alone to others, and b) the way you have chosen to be honest is to be force yourself to use the public e-confessional here at ATS to expose something most people in the same situation spend prodigious energy hiding from themselves at all cost.

It takes one to know one, PG.

To expose yourself in public this way, especially about something like this...thing..you are feeling, is a brutally effective way of coming to grips with it, because it removes your ability to hide from it. When you confess, its no longer inside you., and thus no longer deniable and hide-able. When its public, and when other people affirm it, it becomes objective, and however bad the results, at least you can't hide from it anymore in the crazy smooth-contoured internal world of your own heart. Its out there in the cloud, for good or for ill, and you are going to have to deal. Public confession is wonderfully liberating in that sense.

We both know that important confessions are probably best made to a loved or trusted person or people, not to a bunch of lunatics on a semi-anon messagerboard.

But sometimes us traveling people have no choice, right?

Maybe we don't have trusted people like that around, or maybe we do, but they are back home and wouldn't understand, Or maybe they are nearby, but actually too nearby, too close for that kind of confession. We don't want to burden them, or damage the way they think of us. So sometimes we traveling folk (and serious shut-ins, too - lets include them, who, in one of fate's humorous symmetrical twists, are more like traveling folks than not) have no choice but to take whoever is out there, at the moment, and grab 'em by the lapels and make 'em understand, dang it! Because sometimes that's all you've got. And the feeling is too strong to deny. The Internet lets us do that. You are lucky, PG. In the old days us traveling lapel-grabbers only had dive-bars and public parks, which often didn't work out so well.

I can see you are in a lapel-grabbing mood, Partygirl. Go ahead, grab away. There are good people here, and I'm not talking about myself, either. But there are also not-so-good people. And, most tragic of all, sometimes there is nothing but the dead blank screen of internet indifference. If I can save you from nothing else today, at least I'll try to save you from that horrid indignity with my own traveling man's wall of text.

Sometimes you really can strike sparks this way, on the net. But just as often if not more often you fail. It feels bad when its something really important and, being in a traveling way, you know nobody close back home can understand. But if you fail today with what is clearly a vitally important matter to you, don't give up and don't get discouraged. Copy and paste your fishing net, save it. Someday later you might be able to use it in more fertile waters.

You are fishing, it is crystal clear, for somebody who understands the "irrational exuberance," but you won't find many. Here or anywhere. Because in the grand scheme of things, although it seems stupefying given its power, not all that many people seem to get to experience it. At least not all that many in polite society in the developed world. I reckon there are more than a few in Japan these days. Look for them. You'll find them this year, I am sure of it.

But even when you find them, you may not be satisfied. Because of those who have experienced and who understand your "irrational exuberance," almost all of them bury it. Because they can't bear the shame. You are strong, PG. The fact you can talk about it at all already makes you exceptional. You are now part of the tiny sliver of people who A) actually experience it and B) don't spend the rest of their lives denying it.

And of this small and very, very motley crew, most of the rest fall into something far, far worse than either of those two choices. They become addicted to it. That's what I don't want to see happen to you, PG. At all costs.

And it doesn't have to. But if you keep wallowing in guilt and shame, it will. Because excessive guilt-wallowing exposes you to the captivation just as much as nihilistic delight does, which you no doubt (and probably correctly) consider evil. Both are exposure to it. And exposure, in the end, is what breeds addiction. To all forms of evil.

Addiction to this kind of exuberance is horrible, PG. It ruins you for anything else but traveling in search of it. Which is wrong. ATS helped me realize that, bizarrely enough. Last year in Japan, as it so happens. So crude as this tool may be, it can be effective.

Despite your protests to the contrary, your excessive guilt (and it is excessive) is nothing more than the other side of the coin of captivation. You think you can beat the captivation by trying to convert it into guilt, but things don't work that way. They just don't. You HAVE TO forgive yourself and move on. Otherwise your guilt, which is really captivation, will....modulate. And if that happens you might become a permanent traveling person. And that ain't no way to live. Even if you can make yourself comfy along the way. That's just a different kind of trap.

So I hope you will work on forgiving yourself more than anything else you do in life, this year and every year. Maybe for you to do this you had to come back to Japan but be careful, careful with that too. That too, can be effective but in the end the change takes place inside you and where you happen to be is totally irrelevant. I forget how young you are sometimes. When you are young, travel is good. But when you are old, the sand in your shoe piles up. Makes for blisters, that.

So travel if you gotta travel, and enjoy Japan. As you know, I love this country, in all its extremes and seeming contradictions which are really expressions of a far-flung unity. Nobody does unity-in-opposites quite like the Japanese, PG, and you of all people need a few opposites to balance you out. So revel in Japan. But be carful and above all forgive yourself because that's the road home. I can't go home anymore Partygirl, and I don't want to see you stuck like that either, with only the road and walls of text and strangers in strange lands.

So there's the fish I toss into your net today. Served up in public so you can't ignore it. Just the way you wanted it, right? So its there for all time and can't be denied. For you to read today or tomorrow or next year. Hope this fish isn't too odd-tasting, it may be an acquired taste. I forget, yet again, how young you are. But its a healthy fish. Don't choke on the bones. And save your net for more fertile seas. Fish here, but not only here.

Time to head out to my favorite Izakaya in Gotanda for a nice dinner with my ladyfriend. All this talk of fish got me hungry, you realize....

Love n' kisses,
-Ole Uncle Thunder the travelin' fool.

Your reaction to the disaster is very, very normal. It's what happens to me when my husband makes me ride on his motorcycle.

I didn't die!! == Quick, procreate before you DO die!

And much of the rest of what you've written is adjusting-to-expat-life stuff. You're very articulate about it. But that is basically what it is. It is lonely to be in a different culture. I didn't see how long you've been there, but it cycles around, the feelings about it. The "lows" get easier and the "highs" are less. If you've been there less than 6 months I'm guessing you're going through the worst of your "lows". The first one is the worst & lasts the longest.

It must be very hard to not be able to get a break. At least once every six months we have to get out of here, get some distance. I know that probably isn't in your budget, so life will be harder for you.

Now that you've done this, lived abroad, it will affect who you'll want to spend your life with. When you eventually return (IF you do), you may find it difficult to date people who haven't. Their worldview will just be too small.