Extinguishing Fear in Public Communication

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when approaching someone and at the beggining of conversation it is easy to hyperventilate? A good example is with my boss, everytime I go into his office and close the door to talk with him I briefly start to hyperventilate, it is hard to catch my breath until I focus usually after talking a couple sentences or paragraph. I have seen in other people when they are on camera - it makes them breathe excessively and you can tell from their body language that a thick layer of fear is in the air. My goal would be to approach a large crowd of people and speak to them from the start with a completely controlled mind. I am guessing that the root cause is in myself and doesn't have to do with others or some kind of unwanted subconscious fear of their judgements.

reply to post by greyer


sounds like your boss is a jerk.

why be so afraid? maybe he isn't an understanding person and would be easily likely to fire you for a small mistake, and your afraid of that.

peace.

reply to post by greyer


Well, Greyer, the only thing to do is let go of that fear.

One way to prevent hyperventilating is to practice breathing slowly, calming yourself in the process. Before you go to speak, focus on your breathing - breathe in as much air as you can, then let it all out, do this a few times and feel that air, where the air is going in your body. As you gain clarity, you can then consciously control your breathing. When you start to feel the quick breaths coming on, force them to be four seconds long, and your body will listen and slow down your breathing.

Another way is to always be prepared. For a meeting with your boss, for example, have a packet of paperwork relevant to whatever the meeting is about. Refer to the paperwork as necessary for statistics or proof of concept or whatever. It always helps to have a visual aid to explain your information and also to refocus your thoughts.

If you start speaking and forget what you are saying or being to speak too quickly, say, "Just a second, I need to gather my thoughts." And calm yourself down. People will wait. They really do want to hear what you have to say, and there is nothing wrong with taking a moment for yourself.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, "Picture the audience in their underwear."? Well, the reason this works for public speaking is that if you picture people in their underwear, you realize that they are human - just like you - they have faults, they have fears, they have jobs and families and everything to worry about. Maybe they have holes in their socks, maybe they forgot to eat breakfast, maybe they are thanking their lucky stars that they aren't the ones that have to do the public speaking.

When you are speaking to a crowd, speak to them as people who have common ground with you. Don't worry about the perceived judgments - you have no proof they are real. They are in your mind... and You, Greyer, control your mind.

Also, consider the things you are worried about being judged on. Ask yourself what the root of this fear is, and address that.

You can do it, Greyer.

reply to post by greyer


it is incredible what u go to invent in order to protect the evil system and its chairs that keep making ur life in dreaming upon

wat boss mister, there is no boss in truth, when u cant use words for reality then go to literature out of here

n how making a speech is smthg to talk about too?? wat is that, u r a zombi, an infant of monsters

so u picture ur futur by making people sit as a crowd watching ur mouth without a sound focusing absolutely on whatever u might invent to convince them of being the only reality around??
u r a psycho

existence is freedom rights and freedom realities, when u mean to talk alone that publically extent, then u r beyond exercising any right so no freedom right is the subject u do, then when freedom right is the only subject individual, so go sit back and get the tap on ur head forcing ur shoulders down, animal

as for freedom realities, forcing others to stay silent while u speak is what will bring u others at ur back kick ur animal ass out of universe, fly u and ur christ for eternity go find ur god loud while struggling with ur fears from black holes, getting bigger mouth, hold on to ur christ he will save u some seconds for sure with his fitting shapes in flying space for years

no but seriously, how cool when all is finish

reply to post by greyer

I am guessing that the root cause is in myself and doesn't have to do with others or some kind of unwanted subconscious fear of their judgements.

This is a really good thread. I think many people know what you are talking about. I do. There have been two times this has really hit me hard, once when I was being interviewed on camera (as you said) about my business, and another when I spoke to city officials at a board meeting about education, which was also televised. In both cases, my breathing became rapid and my heart pounded nearly out of my chest. My voice began to crack like it does when your about to cry, and my legs shook like they were giving out. The thought, "oh man, I am having a panic attack, I can't do this", circled through my mind. Every time I tried to shift my mind to something else, it came back harder. Every time I told myself, "you'll be okay, it's all good", another thought came barreling after saying, "no, your not okay because you're actually having a panic attack".

So what have I learned about this phenomena? One, it has a lot to do with being self-conscious (ego). When you are trying to uphold a certain image, and when you feel your success depends on the strength of that image, then there is naturally a great fear of losing or polluting that image with a poor performance, or with saying something wrong, or with not saying enough. So I've learned to just let go of my image of self. If someone views me poorly and criticizes me, fine. I no longer have an image to uphold, so I have no image to lose. I now allow others to construct whatever image they like of me. And now that this burden has been lifted off of me, I can now perform much better; much more as I would when no one is watching.

Then second thing you can do, which really comes before what I said previously, is be completely aware of what is happening. It seems you already have done this. You are having a panic attack, so telling yourself "it will be okay" is not going to help. That is just a temporary escape. The anxiety continues to build while you briefly look the other way. So that does not work. You must face reality, "I am having an anxiety attack", and in doing so, you will naturally look for causes. This should lead you to what I said previously, about protecting an image of self. But you must face the anxiety as if that is all there is, because in that moment it is. Only then can you accept the fact that your self constructed image of self is not working in your favor. Only then will you be open to letting it go.

Peace

I used to be the very same way: very shy, unconfident and unassertive. And it was because I was indoctrinated to believe that any kind of authority—be it boss, teacher, elder etc—was greater in worth than I. I was taught to respect these people even if I disagreed with them. Even after gaining a higher-level of intelligence, and thus becoming more human than most of these authorities, I still felt the initial nervousness I held before.

I realized this was because I had no power over what their first-impression of me was. All of the vanity put into my identity was for the sole purpose of making my self appear "more edible" to people with poor digestion (tolerance). Metaphorically, I wore a costume and a mask. I knew it wasn't who I was or wanted to be.

It was then I realized that they too were wearing a costume and mask; and they were merely making themselves "more easy to digest, more palatable".

This is where the ol' platitude your grandma always told you comes into play: Picture them naked. Do it metaphorically of course, as some things are best left to the imagination. Strip away their costume and mask, deconstruct your own first-impression and create an even ground where both you and the opposing individual can begin proper positive interaction.

Change the way you determine value in the opposing individual. Don't value him based on status in society, success, perceived authority etc.—because those things don't exist. Judge him on the only attribute that makes him human, and which is indeed available to all humans; judge him on the one thing that separates us from the animals—his level of intelligence. If he possesses a firm grasp of emotion, ability and potential and is on a path to self-mastery, then respect him; it is healthy for you to be around such a person, so enjoy the opportunity. But if he possesses no such qualities, lives only in the imaginary world of success and status and refuses to maximize his potential, his humanity, then by all means, disregard everything he has to say as every idea he puts forth is of low-quality and unhealthy. You are his superior.

But please, always be polite.

reply to post by LifeIsEnergy


u seem to be the most honest here, but this is the point, all of everyone do not realize that u r talking only about urself that has nothing to do with any other self, ur case of panick attack is totally different then anyone else

u keep rejecting truth while insisting about ur wills to preach for or upon

if u r here in this forum, it means that u believe that what exist is true n not a creation

then u as individuals are really separate individuals, anything happening on u cant happen to any other one

u keep meaning to join urselves as one bc u mean to profit from truth instead of being true or meaning to become true once u witness smthg true
but no, u force the concept that some truths must be the same between different individuals so by sharing different stories we can reach to know some speculations about one truth so everyone could live better through

same truths cant b but on absolute objective grounds or/and out of

individuals by definition are not but relative, u cant associate someone with another in truth

actually u mean same conditions, but no u wont say it bc u mean to get it to urself being u

while conditions has nothing to do with truth since forced

Originally posted by LifeIsEnergy
When you are trying to uphold a certain image, and when you feel your success depends on the strength of that image, then there is naturally a great fear of losing or polluting that image with a poor performance, or with saying something wrong, or with not saying enough. So I've learned to just let go of my image of self. If someone views me poorly and criticizes me, fine. I no longer have an image to uphold, so I have no image to lose. I now allow others to construct whatever image they like of me. And now that this burden has been lifted off of me, I can now perform much better; much more as I would when no one is watching.

Thank you,

This is the essence of my post and answer to the thread. The question now is how to make reality exist consciously with a complete detachment of self. Interesting how that plays a part in the world since we all have our own styles and attractions, we are wanting to please people even when we know it is not possible for everyone.

It is time to change a complete shift of consciousness. I know how to perform, the only thing hindering me is my own self image, some might say that is ego and I need to be far ahead in depleting any existence of ego in my consciousness.

....picture him in his underwear....holding a 911 truth sign....

In the old days...they said it worked....

Spongebob knows...lol

Click here for more information.

Originally posted by absolutely
reply to post by greyer

 

it is obvious that shy people everywhere on earth are people who are not animals, that cant force themselves on everyone else as if it is regular one thing empty of all rest bc that is all what matter

u gonna see where u will end

I can't discern whether you are poetic or crazy lol.

Originally posted by tracehd1
....picture him in his underwear....holding a 911 truth sign....

In the old days...they said it worked....

Spongebob knows...lol

Or when in public I can picture attractive girls naked, lol it won't get me anywhere but a lustful thought.

Today I went to the city and I practiced what has been learned from this thread. I walked towards the traffic on the edge of the sidewalk - not starring at anybody but ready to talk with whoever walks by, or even people in their cars when it is backed up. There are a couple waves of fear that went through my system, it is a result of self image as discussed here in the thread. People look at you when walking down the street, you will be some form of entertainment to them whether a bum, or an attractive girl, or anybody - people look. So if I ever thought they were looking at me (a self image) then I would feel a slight tingle of fear. At the times when I was trying to not acknowledge my self image I felt no fear and was able to present in my body language accordingly, pretty much enabling me to develop a connection with anybody who I come in contact with. There can be no self expression with fear and expression is what is invited by people, fear is rejected by people at a subconscious level. In the midst of practicing this I saw a beautiful girl and she smiled at me when pulled up in her car. At this point most guys would be elated, girls are a probably more calm because they know guys are more 'physically' attracted to them when they are more attracted to a guys personality. So in an attempt to practice the conclusions resulting from this thread, I stood awaiting for her to roll down the window, to ask how she was doing with a smile. Happiness prevails when facing fear in public communication. An open mind and open soul will only be happy when making connections with people. If a heart rate is increased by fear in any one of these public situations that could arise it just means I need to let go of any self image that I could create and by any means Talk to the person I come across. I didn't end up meeting the love of my life I have always been waiting for but I have come to realize that this goal is not going to be accomplished over night, I must practice, practice, practice.

reply to post by greyer


Could this letting go of a self-image help in finding a lover? Sure. You will be much more calm, open and attentive when communicating with whoever you encounter, you won't be so lost in images of yourself. Yet if you are "practicing" this just so you can find a lover, you are still constructing and/or protecting a self-image. That image consists of being a lover, a friend, a husband, a father... and so on. There is still fear and cloudiness in this. So first let go of the complete image of self, all of it. Maybe vipassana meditation or self-inquiry as Ramana Maharshi taught it will help. Then if a woman rolls up and says "hi", and you connect with each other, and feel compelled to go out with each other, and that leads to marriage and kids, then so be it. But what if that never happens? Will you feel sad, or will you force it with someone you don't really like? If so, you are still very attached to a self-image. An image that consists of being a married man, or father, or boyfriend...

Another thing you can start to do, is not construct images of other people either, because that is done through your own image of self. Can you see a beautiful woman without the label of a "beautiful woman"? Can you just see consciousness, without any physical image or quality attached to it? It may be easier to start trying this out with nature. Can you see a tree without attaching any qualities, such as color, size, species, shape... to it? Can you do this for a field of grass or a flower? Can you see a flower without any labels or qualities? As soon as you can do this with yourself, you will be able to do it with everyone else.

Now, I am not saying self-image is to be seen as an enemy and be totally rejected. It is to be temporarily put aside and seen through though. When one sees its transitory nature, one will not become so attached to or confined by images of self. Instead, these will become a tool, not a definition. A beautiful woman can be seen as a beautiful woman, yet you will know that this quality is relative to your conditioning and has no barring in absolute reality. Therefore, a beautiful woman may be given no more attention than a homeless man, both are seen and acknowledged as they are in the relative sense and the absolute sense.

Peace

Originally posted by LifeIsEnergy
reply to post by greyer

 

if you are "practicing" this just so you can find a lover, you are still constructing and/or protecting a self-image.

My main goal is not for women, but even more for men. I am a guy who has always been told I was attractive, but have never met a girl who I was attracted to and who was interested in me. So I have pretty much given up into gaining any love from any girl, we don't get along great because I was the one who yearned for love year after year when none of them were interested in me. That being said I don't hold anything against girls they would just not be my first choice of someone to converse with. To clarify my goal - it is to walk down any street and be able to converse with Anybody and make real connections at the time of meeting them. Girls just add spice to the mix because since I am attracted to them it is nearly impossible to act the exact same as to somebody I am not attracted to, but maybe if I did I would finally have a girl interested in me. The reason why I think most girls were not interested is because of my self image - I live in an area where tatoos and punk rock are very popular, since I don't have that style I have seen many girls choose the guy with tatoos over me - it was not because of my looks or personality but my self image. So I agree with what I am learning here, I just think girls are so absorbed in self image that I will never find true love, not at least where I live now.

Originally posted by LifeIsEnergy
Can you see a beautiful woman without the label of a "beautiful woman"?

In this case no, I saw a beautiful girl smile at me and there was no time to think anything but feel a rush. There is no way I can see a beautiful girl smile at me and not feel, witness, and acknowledge in my heart that she is beautiful. I can lie and make it seem like a think she is ugly - and yes those are the guys who get beautiful girls. It is well known fine looking girls like 'bad boys,' and it is probably just the lack of self image they have, I can agree with that.

reply to post by greyer


I don't think it is fair, to you or anyone else, to place a lack of self-image on the petal stool of being attractive. It can be, but maybe not in the same way as you are describing it. Someone with a strong self-image, as many girls in today's society have, is not going to be very interested in dating someone with little to no self-image. The self-image likes other self-images to compare with and build off of. Nor do I think it is fair to say "bad-boys" get girls because of a lack of self-image. In fact, quite the opposite. As a recovering "bad-boy" myself, , I was absorbed in self-image as much or more-so than everybody else. I got girls because I was self-absorbed, and other self-absorbed people like that. But it brought me nothing but trouble, insofar as shallow and not so nice friends.

So you can't see a really beautiful girl without it immediately evoking strong feelings, it's okay, , that was probably not the best example for me to give. Forget about how you view others, focus on dissolving your own self-image. Allow qualities such as fear, anxiety and loneliness to arise as they will, don't associate them as yours, or as a part of your "self-image". Allow them to arise, and allow them to fall away. Do the same with all other qualities, such as happiness, joy, excitement...

That which is seeing these qualities has no qualities of itself, remember that. Awareness is quality-less. Anytime you feel inadequate or anxious or fearful, know that what is seeing these qualities cannot be inadequate, anxious or fearful, ever.

Originally posted by greyer
So I agree with what I am learning here, I just think girls are so absorbed in self image that I will never find true love, not at least where I live now.

Well, there's you problem.

You are looking for girls, not women. You need to stop looking. When you "look", all you see is the facade the girl is putting out to the world.

Women, on the other hand, are just themselves. They don't pretend to be anything, and will only present themselves as they are.

You may, in fact, overlook them.

Why? Because you are looking for "Barbie", and looking right past all of the handcrafted, one-of-a-kind beauties.

That said, if you want to find someone who loves you for you, you should become friends before you ever even consider a serious relationship.

So, start talking.

Click here for more information.

Originally posted by ottobot
Well, there's you problem.

You are looking for girls, not women. You need to stop looking. When you "look", all you see is the facade the girl is putting out to the world.

Women, on the other hand, are just themselves. They don't pretend to be anything, and will only present themselves as they are.

You may, in fact, overlook them.

Why? Because you are looking for "Barbie", and looking right past all of the handcrafted, one-of-a-kind beauties.

That said, if you want to find someone who loves you for you, you should become friends before you ever even consider a serious relationship.

So, start talking.

Ottobot, please don't make me quote myself, I said I was not looking for love from a girl or woman. I mentioned feeling good when a girl smiled at me, that is just because I am heterosexual.

Originally posted by LifeIsEnergy
reply to post by greyer

 

I don't think it is fair, to you or anyone else, to place a lack of self-image on the petal stool of being attractive. It can be, but maybe not in the same way as you are describing it. Someone with a strong self-image, as many girls in today's society have, is not going to be very interested in dating someone with little to no self-image. The self-image likes other self-images to compare with and build off of. Nor do I think it is fair to say "bad-boys" get girls because of a lack of self-image. In fact, quite the opposite. As a recovering "bad-boy" myself,

, I was absorbed in self-image as much or more-so than everybody else. I got girls because I was self-absorbed, and other self-absorbed people like that. But it brought me nothing but trouble, insofar as shallow and not so nice friends.

You're right, I was just trying to make sense. On the subject of meeting girls, are we saying that the lack of self image I am gaining will make it harder for me because the new age girls like bad boys? I am the evidence that being attractive doesn't have anything to do with what girls want these days, a nice guy will not win because he is not absorded in his self image or doesn't have enough edge. Or maybe the lack of self image can create a 'bad boy' image for myself just as the result from lack of fear. I am not looking for love as Ottobot was saying, but like yesterday when another beautiful girl smiles at me I am not going to just sit and do nothing.

Originally posted by LifeIsEnergy
So you can't see a really beautiful girl without it immediately evoking strong feelings, it's okay,

, that was probably not the best example for me to give. Forget about how you view others, focus on dissolving your own self-image. Allow qualities such as fear, anxiety and loneliness to arise as they will, don't associate them as yours, or as a part of your "self-image". Allow them to arise, and allow them to fall away. Do the same with all other qualities, such as happiness, joy, excitement...

That which is seeing these qualities has no qualities of itself, remember that. Awareness is quality-less. Anytime you feel inadequate or anxious or fearful, know that what is seeing these qualities cannot be inadequate, anxious or fearful, ever.

Great info, one thing for sure is that when I have no conscious self-image I am able to communicate anywhere, at anytime, with anybody, without a trace of any negative feeling. And a lot of the communcation I am talking about is body language, since we communicate so much more in body language than in our words.

Originally posted by absolutely
how dare u mean to call crazy who talk truly about others suffer in public performance that they cant avoid?? u dare

Honestly you sound like an angry guy from the middle east, sorry.

Originally posted by greyer

On the subject of meeting girls, are we saying that the lack of self image I am gaining will make it harder for me because the new age girls like bad boys?

Firstly, not to be a stickler on semantics, but you are not "gaining" anything. To the contrary, through deduction we are removing ALL traces of self-image. This is important because many people hear this and are immediately compelled to begin construction of a new self-image, one that claims to have no self-image. You'll find that many of these people who talk about "removing the ego" are super self-conscious with strong self-righteous self-images. There all over this very website.

Originally posted by greyer
I am the evidence that being attractive doesn't have anything to do with what girls want these days, a nice guy will not win because he is not absorded in his self image or doesn't have enough edge. Or maybe the lack of self image can create a 'bad boy' image for myself just as the result from lack of fear. I am not looking for love as Ottobot was saying, but like yesterday when another beautiful girl smiles at me I am not going to just sit and do nothing.

Of course girls/women want attractive men, just as much as men want attractive women. Yet that is not all people want. People want many things in a spouse/lover; financial security, character and personality, conversation, sexual attraction, intelligence, humor... in fact, people have so many expectations of what makes up a 'perfect' spouse/lover that they can never find one, which is why so many relationships fail. People are always searching for something more.

And nice guys can very well be absorbed in self-image, that may in fact be why they are so nice; they are trying to be nice because they perceive that as the ideal self-image. Look, if you want to appear as a 'bad boy' then go ahead, there is no 'bad boy' committee which can revoke your 'card' and kick you out the club, . You will probably attract some pretty negative people though. It is quite easy to do, no secrets involved. Just walk up to a pretty girl who looks like she is into 'bad guys' and tell her, with conviction, what you think of her. "Your so amazingly beautiful. I want to take you out and treat you like a goddess. Give me your number so I can call you later on." If you're really as handsome as you say, and if she is not deeply involved with another guy, she will oblige, I guarantee. If that is what you feel like doing, then do it. I don't see the big deal. But I am not telling you to do that.

I am telling you to let go of all of that, of trying to be nice and appealing, and also of trying to be unconcerned and 'bad boyish'. Let go of the very notion in your mind that you want/need to meet a pretty lady. When that happens, and from what you are saying it sound like it happens quite often, be present in the moment and allow it to happen. Be spontaneous. If it leads to something more, then cool, if not, then also cool. What is the big deal? There is no self-image to uphold, so there are no expectations of what this imaginary self-image needs. You are just as fine without a girl as you are with one. That is all I am saying. Allow things to happen naturally, don't force things. If a girl smiles at you, smile back and say hi, and see where that goes. If it ends at "Hi", then fine, life is still moving, move with it.

Originally posted by greyerGreat info, one thing for sure is that when I have no conscious self-image I am able to communicate anywhere, at anytime, with anybody, without a trace of any negative feeling. And a lot of the communcation I am talking about is body language, since we communicate so much more in body language than in our words.

Very true.

Peace