due to my opinions about psychiatry, should I just "get over it?"

Going to be revealing a LOT about myself here, so please, cut me a LITTLE slack ya'll and no "attacks" and be gentle with sarcasm......'cause I am a raving lunatic...or so the mental health community thinks....

SO here is my dilemma: I am having a mental/nervous breakdown. I have missed work, had seizures, screamed at strangers and almost completely tore apart our apartment in a fit of rage. I am 45 years old and have had quite a history. Before I get too much into that, let me state that I have ALWAYS had a distrust of the mental health community, especially the drugging through psychiatry. I have placed myself in the hands of these clowns several times in my past, all to no avail and always leaving with a handful of psychotropic drugs...and not feeling "cured".

I was SEVERELY abused and then abandoned during my childhood. We are not talking a few spankings here...or Daddy yelled at me or cousin Bob touched my breasts...I am talking my mother was/is an alcoholic schizophrenic who was quite creative and cunning in the ways she abused and tortured my half brother and I. My step-father was just an abusive drunk who liked to punch children in the head, (i now suffer a seizure disorder as a result, it is assumed by the neuro, of the multiple concussions I suffered in my youth.). When my parents divorced when I was 15, I was whisked from the only home I knew to be bounced from home to home with people who made it obvious they didn't want me, while my mother was locked up after a serious suicide attempt, (that was blamed, by a note left by my mother, on me...) within the State mental health system. I can go on and on about the poor choices I made, the abuse from my first husband and my subsequent mental and physical health problems...but I think I am painting a decent enough picture so I can finally get to the point of my thread....I AM BREAKING APART MENTALLY but I distrust the community that in the past has labelled me borderline personality, BiPolar, Depressed, anxious, PTSD.....I have been given just about every drug made by man to "treat my symptoms". Around age 30, after years of restraint and hypervigilance against addictive behavior, (I had been anorexic as a teen/young adult), I began to smoke p@t daily to calm my nerves and sleep. Then I began to abuse alcohol around 10 years ago...seriously after my brother killed himself in 2008 at age 38. I have been to rehab twice, and though I no longer get drunk daily, I still drink daily...to self medicate, I am sure..and also because now I am physically addicted..anyhow, my question is: has ANYONE had a similar experience and gotten better?
My husband told me last night, "It happened in your childhood, just get OVER it already!" He has seen what these shrinks can do to me...but on the other hand, I am on the verge of losing everything because I cannot get my Sh*t together! HAS anyone ANY experience similar to mine and what did you do? Does it get better? Or AM I better off just killing myself like my bitter mind tells me more and more these days.....
I am desperate enough to do just about ANYTHING to stop this cycle. I am now worse than ever, with physical symptoms and even my neurologist suggesting I see a psychiatrist...especially one who is more like a neuro-psychiatrist, thanks to my seizures. (I am not delusion, thank god...but I DO see things and have this detachment feeling...like I am living in a dream-state...strange.)

Sorry this is SO long and I hope I placed this in the correct place.

Thanks Ya'll d(-_-)b

reply to post by Cornczech


Hi Corn,

My siblings and I had a similar upbringing, we were good kids in all honesty, and took good care of eachother, but the abuse kept coming and coming.

Of course now at an older age, a lot of us, the influence it has had. I think it is time to move on.I have forgiven my mother and father, I've acknowledge that what happened , happened and there is no way of going back and changing it, all I can do now, is work on my future, and build up a good life.

I think it is the same for you, you cannot leave yourself in the past, you're allowing your parents to STILL be in control of your emotions and life. You have to let it go.

It is hard, but the saying goes, some people love misery, misery loves company.

Your depression is not in control of you, it is a mere emotion , insignificant, but the more you sit and allow it to take over, it will consume you, you're in control of you, and it is time to take the reigns.

I'll say it now, you are weak, you cannot let some thing so small.. yes I mean small, engulf your WHOLE life. There is people out there with much much worse.. you have to be grateful, you have to come out the better person. Take your bad and turn it to good.

Don't just sit there and cry. Be strong, and be active.

Your husband said that to you? Seriously? WTF!! That's cold hearted, I'm sorry, but it is. I mean, yeah sure, if you can "just get over it" then do so, but I'm going to have to hold out and say that you've got alot to "just get over" and I'd be a cold bastard to state such a thing.

I'm sure he doesn't understand what you've been through, and what you continue to go through. To be frank, nobody who hasn't had the experiences you have, will ever know what you've been through. But that's no excuse to say that to you. I dunno, I'm sure he had his reasons. Maybe he doesn't get trauma, or doesn't understand just how much it can affect you. But don't let him make lite of it any more, please. Your feelings and psychological situation are more important than his whimmy diagnosis.

But no, you shouldn't "just get over it" as that demeans your life to date so far, and all you've been through. I'm presuming you've been through as many councilers as I've had hot dinners, so I'll not belittle you and suggest that. But have you tried mediation? I know it may seem trite, just sitting there and being still and silent, but that's not all you can do with it. You can learn to let go of terrible things in your past, and even forgive those who have hurt you, and forgive yourself for letting things hurt you. (more important than you'd think, forgiving yourself for stuff that wasn't your fault in the slightest) This is a big step in "just getting over it" (I still can't believe he said that)

I'm sorry that you've been through what you've been through, and I'm also sorry (but also rather glad) that I can't relate to what youve been through, as my folks were and still are, pretty darn cool. I hope you can get some decent advise from people here who have been through something simular.

have some brackets.


(((you)))

I had a crazy childhood, so I feel you

You do have to "get over it" but telling someone to do so isn't going to work. You're never going to forget it but you cope with what happened with you.

I'd suggest going to a normal doctor your seizures.
I'd suggest to try talking to a really close friend/family member about it, it really takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. Then I'd see a psychiatrist, they can't prescribe you drugs, only psychologists can. Not all of them are evil.
I'd suggest to go to an in-patient rehab program (if you have insurance/money), If not then try to make it to ever AA meeting you can. You have to want to stop.

Don't kill yourself, the grass is always greener on the other side.

reply to post by Cornczech


I'd also like to add, if you have Skype. and it's ok with you, you can add me.

We do not know each other, but that in a sense is a good thing ,I understand your situation.

If you need some one to speak to, please let me know.

Hmmm....still trying to absorb the "you are weak" comment....

And I was pretty shocked to hear my husband say that to me as well, especially since his horrid behavior has helped trigger this latest "breakdown".

I DO see a neurologist for the seizures. I am embarrassed to "ask" my insurance pay for ANOTHER round of inpatient rehab . I DO want to stop self-medicating and can do so on my own sometimes....but it rarely lasts...self medicating has always "worked" to do exactly what I wanted: to numb. I have tried EVERY kind of thing to block everything negative I come across in my life...from rocking and humming myself to sleep as a child, to anorexia, extreme OCD type behavior, but my best is running...I ran away from a "normal" second marriage....leaving my 2 year old daughter with my shocked husband. (I always have kept in touch with her at least...unlike in my first marriage where my fundamentalist abusive husband ran away within a cult with my then 18 month old son. I didn't see my son again until he was almost 10 years old.) I can go on and on and on with all the ways in which I have tried to "cope" on my own....and I can also relay the many stories when I "gave in" and was locked into a ward for days on end, drooling listlessly on a bed.
WEAK? Well...I guess that fits rather nicely into my self image.....
I have NO family to speak with. My mother is still nuts, my brother is dead...and I moved here with my husband 12 years ago, wrapped myself into him and never kept in touch with old friends, some of whom are now dead.
I wish I COULD meditate...I shake and tremble constantly...and have NEVER....not even under the influence of powerful drugs...been able to empty my mind....it's like I am filled with an evil electricity that never allows me to rest...and I am tired.
Weak...yes...I guess I am.....on many levels.....

First of all, let me say that I'm truly sorry you've gone through such a horrific experience.

So you've had no positive results with any medication? Sensitive question: what medications did they give you, how long did you take each med, and were you faithful in following the regime? In other words, did you take the medicine as prescribed or did you occassionaly skip a dose?

The reason I ask is because many drugs for psychiatric ailments are simply trial and error. There is no definitive test that shows one is depressed, anxious, bi-polar, etc. Psychiatrists are making educated guesses when it comes to diagnosing a mental illness (not saying you have one). On top of this, the neurotransmitters in the brain that affect mood, personality, etc. are affected by many different things, from the food you eat to the thoughts you think. The different psychiatric drugs target different neurotransmitters. Some work on serotonin, others on dopamine, etc. So its a trial and error process. Additionally, the medication generally takes at least a month to build up enough to begin "working.."

Have you considered seeing a therapist without medication? A cognitive therapist can help you understand your thinking and help you develop positive ways to readjust that thinking. And sometimes just having someone to talk to makes a world of difference.

Not to speak poorly of your husband, but "Just get over it," is an ignorant statement many people make when referring to folks who've experienced pain in the past. You can't just "get over it." It would be wonderful if you could, but the fact is those memories are who you are and will always be with you.

As a rape survivor, here are a few things I've learned over the years that have helped me immensly:

*Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions you have. Feelings are neither negative or positive, they just are. Trying to bottle up feelings will make things worse.

*Consider keeping a journal to write down and organize your thoughts. This helps some people recognize trends in their thinking and how to avoid those triggers that bring about negative thoughts.

*Exercise daily, preferably in the sunshine. Sunlight and exercise help depression.

*Yoga and/or meditation daily to help calm your anxiety.

I truly wish you the best. If you want to talk, just u2u me.

reply to post by Cornczech


Do not take it in the wrong way, I am saying it because I was in that same place.

I had no one after I left home, and Until this day the only person from my past who I still know is my older sister.

And we are rarely in contact with each other. Few years ago, I saw some one for help. And they explained my anxiety, bipolar, among other things. The more I learned, the more I realised that, it is me, I am weak, I allow my emotions to bully me. I allow memories to hurt me.

Once you grasp that, you learn to fight it. Please do not take it in a negative light.

I think that is probably the most helpful advice that you could be given.

Exercise in the sunshine as often as possible. Eat a healthy balanced diet. The mind cannot be right when the body is neglected.

Stop drinking - self medication is not really the answer.

Do establish small goals for yourself that you can succeed at - nothing breeds success like success. (ie I will walk around the block today, I will make my bed today) etc. Whatever level you are at, strive for what you can do. At the end of everyday, congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished. Do not ever criticize yourself if you haven't accomplished the goal. Tell yourself that you haven't failed, you just haven't finished trying yet. Tomorrow is always another opportunity.

Nobody can change the past. Nobody can make it better. Stop looking back and look forward instead. It is an act of will and control in a life where you have had not control. When the tape recorder starts playing in your head (you know the one I mean - the one that tells you all those awful things about yourself) - choose to turn it OFF. Yes that is an act of will again. With practice, all of this get easier.

Tired of Control Freaks

reply to post by Mentalistbee



Got you...I will try not to see it negatively.....and I DO whine the old "poor me" cry a lot.....

Funny...I used to be a LOT stronger...in my 20's and very early 30's...before I let my addictions and rages take over...(plus...an additional problem to add to the mix...I had a hysterectomy in my mid-30's...adding to my "insanity")

Thanks for listening and offering your ear.....

My Primary wants me to come see her today. I don't see what SHE can do for me....I told a co-worker and she said to not worry about my job...I am good at what I do and can get another...but I cannot get another me. I ain't getting younger and I miss the "calmer" me.....

Now my tummy hurts....whaaaa (wink)

reply to post by Cornczech

I wish I COULD meditate...I shake and tremble constantly...and have NEVER....not even under the influence of powerful drugs...been able to empty my mind....it's like I am filled with an evil electricity that never allows me to rest...and I am tired.

No drug is ever going to help you. In fact, only you can help yourself. You obsess over your past and let it eat away at you. I've known some people who do this. Although their life was no where near as rough as you describe, the premise is still the same. They are constantly stressed and depressed, always focusing on the negative things in their life as if everyone should feel sorry for them and treat them in a special way. You would probably look at their situation and laugh, you'd try to tell them things aren't really so bad and they need to cheer up. The same thing applies for you. Despite the fact your problems are much worse, it's the exact same type of thing, there are people with worse problems then you. I'm sorry to say but your husband is right. You need to move on. I don't mean that in a harsh way, I am saying that's the only way you will ever find peace. If you let these things consume you, you'll always be this way. These frames of mind will strengthen themselves in your neural networks and get harder and harder to remove. Drugs simply numb and suppress your emotions. Stop looking to other people for answers, the answers are inside YOU.

reply to post by TiredofControlFreaks


Do establish small goals for yourself that you can succeed at - nothing breeds success like success. (ie I will walk around the block today, I will make my bed today) etc. Whatever level you are at, strive for what you can do. At the end of everyday, congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished. Do not ever criticize yourself if you haven't accomplished the goal. Tell yourself that you haven't failed, you just haven't finished trying yet. Tomorrow is always another opportunity

I have been trying this. I used to beat myself up if I didn't finish a project...if I started to drink again....if I planned on cleaning the whole house and all I did was read on ATS and make an apple pie.....

I have gone from abusing all kinds of pills..partying with my husband, blacking out and slowing killing myself...to only drinking 4 beers a day....enough to relax that tremble. I no longer take sleeping pills....I smoke less p@t. I call my daughter more and no longer keep my "anger" journal....(I used to keep a journal...wrote in it all the bile I felt..and would read, it over and over again....fueling my anger...)

And surprise...I live on a HUGE lake...plenty of sunshine....when I crawl out of this cave I've built....and I am doing it more and more often....

but some really harsh set-backs have come about...and I have been in hospital twice....once from gastritis/colitis etc...and I know my anxiety didn't help that...and then I missed a week of work because I was unable to see patients in the condition I was in....crying, screaming, leaving my body....shaking, vomiting...

I wrote to get advice..and ya'll have done a great job. I trust my fellow thinkers and doubters......

reply to post by Cornczech


I think it's good to see people, and discover more on your depression, cognitive thinking etc, the more you understand how depression works/how these emotions are triggered, the easier it becomes to ignore/control them, resulting in a calmer you.

A poster stated earlier to set goals, that's an excellent idea. I think just try find some thing interesting you can focus your energy on, Maybe a new garden, or learning a new skill. I used to make my own hand creams/shampoos, its fun!

I have not had your experience, nor has my husband. The DH had a mental break down 8 years ago do to personal and professional problems. After 8 years of "therapy" and prescription drugs, I now think he's worse than ever and that the shrinks were just trying to get a permanent customer. The DH still thinks the shrinks (he has 2 now, one he sees weekly) can help him. He was diagnosed with depression, one thought he might be bi-polar as well.

Anyway, I'm 43, like I said, I did not have your experience, but at times I feel like I'm losing my mind (I'm convinced that everyone has stresses that effect them and that there is no "normal." It's just how well an act you can put on).
Anyway, when I start to get worked up and the anxiety and depression kick in, I wonder if its more a function of age....the start of menopause. Maybe you should get tested to see if your pre-menopausal. Maybe its your hormones controlling your emotions and not your past. I'm not being snide or sarcastic. At our age, its a real possibility.

reply to post by Cornczech

Cornczech, I hear your pain and suffering. From just my own point of view, based solely on your post, I am of the opinion what you have is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, brought on my childhood memories and perhaps other factors. I too suffer from PTSD, and have found ways to cope, but sadly, there is no magic pill, or cure that I know of.
I sincerely hope you can find your way out.
Blessings be with you, and I am here to help if I can.
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Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) SYMPTOMS, TREATMENT, AND SELF-HELP

Support groups for those suffering from PTSD

reply to post by ChaoticOrder


wait...there really IS no Knight in Shamming Llama? (private joke.....though I HAVE been accused of waiting for some dude on a white horse.....)

So...to help me help myself...go to the shrink again? Go inpatient...go to the Mediation house up the street from me and beg entrance and training? Obviously I don't wanna cry ion my beer any longer......

And yep...I've had friends like me too.....at least I wasn't yeah, that happened to you..but THIS happened to me.....

I was always a gum smacking, cussing, tell-you-like-it-is kind of chic until a few years ago when all the years of chemical abuse changed my personality...or something did....and now I am this fat, cry baby with seizures and an irritable gut...(I still cuss a lot though....)

Oh well...trying to be funny in a bad situation.....so...to the doc today or suck it up and try to do on my own the things mentioned here......

Hmmmmmm.......

My OPINION and Im not a Dr:
Psychiatric meds can give you the edge in order for you to do the work... but YOU are going to have to do the work. Get with a good therapist and psychiatrist ( psychiatrists can RX). If you mother was a diagnosed schizophrenic that has to be considered and no amt of meditation can help that. Someone close to me has a similar situation to yours and there is no just "getting over it". You have to work and work with others. If your husband is not adding to your recovery or part of a healthy support system for you.. or enabling your addictions.. then he isnt helping. If your general Dr or neurologist ( I assume youre seeing one for the seizures) can help you find a good therapist that would be your first step. You can speak to them and they can decide if you are a good candidate for medication to give you the edge to do the work on yourself... but hard work it will take. Plus, you dont necessarily have to take the meds forever.

I hope you can get control of this. Rage and anger are a hard one to get a hold of . I wish the best for you

I have thought about the surgical menopause as being a lot of the reason why I suddenly got MUCH WORSE......

crap...so your husband didn't get much help either....that's my big fear. I WORK in medicine and I see the eyes, (both literally and figuratively), of the patients who REALLY want to believe in the treatment being offered....get this shot or go blind....(even if you have to get 35 shots and bleed a LOT of $$$$ and not gain much vision)...I see the hope in their eyes.....and dang nabbit.....I WANT THAT MAGIC PILL!!!! To be indolent by nature kinda sucks....but seriously...

my insurance only offers me to see a psychologist 6 times a YEAR....unlimited visits to the head shrinking psychiatrist......and has anyone gone to inpatient rehab more than twice? HOW EMBARRASSING!!! (and quite the money making business...but that's modern medicine for ya....)

I've had a lot of abuse and difficulty too, as many have, and perhaps yours has been worse.... perhaps I was able to climb out a bit because I was able to have a fairly normal and safe experience after the time I was 15- better late than never!

I think that at a certain point, our bdy has been too damaged for it to be a matter of just self discipline, or even therapy- the drugs DO have to come intot he picture, because you have your body working on specific conditionings and habits and physiological responses you cannot control with your mind.

So finding good medication and sticking with it is probably important. I sometimes think a therapist that will encourage thigns like staying out of stressful situations, and doing exercise, can really help.

Changing thought patterns is good, but I am someone who believes a whole lot of our memories are stored in our body.

I know it can be hard. I felt responsible for keepign my mom alive after she tried to commit suicide in front of me as a child... then as an adult I married a foriegner and left the country- a few months later, she killed herself. I felt like it was my fault because I left her side, because I was not there for her to vent and project her negative stuff on, and it killed her. I know how your head can see this isn't true, and yet the heart thinks it is.

Suicide is something that often gets re-enacted in generations- don't let yourself fall to that. Put an end to the cycle. If nothing else, see yourself as the one that will stop the chain of destructive and abusive behaviors in the family- that is your mission... hold on until the end without giving in to that.

I understand your mistrust of the mental health community. When I had my breakdown I put myself into an out patient hospital program through the mental health community and lucky for me, it worked, however, I watched many other people go through it and it did not help them.

But I will be honest with you. It did not help them because, truth be told, they did not want to get better. I saw it day after day, people leeching off of the system. I am not judging them, just going by what they themselves told me. I felt very bad for some of the people in the program I was in because I knew they were not there to get better.

I have had life long PTSD due to a very bad childhood, so I can relate very well to your story.

I am sorry to say this, but perhaps you need to hear it,

until you can get mad enough at yourself and what you are suffering from, and until the time comes when you know there is no other option, you either die, or get better, you will continue to suffer.

It sounds like you are at this point now, or close to it and if so, there is no better time to get treatment.
Believe it or not, the mental health system has several very good programs to treat PTSD caused by childhood abuse, which is what you have. Don't dwell on the label too much, PTSD is different for everyone, but yet, it is the same. Irrational reactions,anger,nightmares,tremors,fits of rage, all of this can be managed with therapy, and what the system has now works VERY WELL.

Put some trust in the system and want to get better and they will help you. If you don't work with them, they cannot help. As far as meds go, you have the choice to not take medication. Depending on how bad it is getting though, medication can and does make you feel better. Meds have their place. This last time I went through the system, I chose not to take meds, and that is the best route to go IMO because then you can face what is causing all of the over exaggerated responses. Meds will dull out your emotions, but will not cure you, in fact, there is no cure, only ways to learn how to cope with the anxiety and stress. That is what therapy does, teaches you how to handle yourself and recognize the impulses before you act out on them.

You cannot "Just get over it" or I would have many many years ago.

My advice, get some therapy, be honest and straight forward with the system, and allow them to work WITH you to get better, because you can get better. You can feel alive again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still suffer from it myself, but after going through the system, I have much more control over my actions and the symptoms are MUCH less than they used to be. I no longer feel like I am going to have an aneurism any time I get upset. I no longer act out before I realize what is happening, and I see the signs before I have an anxiety/panic attack so that I can try to head it off before my heart explodes.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel these emotions, although not so much anymore. I attribute this to the mental health community and the therapy I went through.

As to self medication, drinking will kill you. I had to say that because I have watched many friends die this way, as they self medicated to block out what was hurting them. Perhaps this is a part of your mistrust of the mental health community. You know they will frown on drinking. It adds to the anxiety of getting help.

I self medicated for years I know what it is like.

Definetly though, if you self medicate with alcohol, STAY AWAY from the medication. In fact if you go into the mental health community, make sure to tell them you do not want meds because you understand the dangers of meds and alcohol, and you are a drinker, they will respect that, even if they do not agree with the drinking, we all gotta do what we gotta do to get by. And they understand that too.

The mental health system is a huge help if you ALLOW them to help you. If you fight their system while trying to get help, you are only sabotaging your own recovery.

I wish you the best, and I am living proof that even though for some of us life is a very difficult challenge, we can face and overcome those challenges and thrive again as happy healthy adults.