The alternate British citizenship test.

Yesterday somebody put up a link to the official British citizenship test.
Since there were many native Britons who failed the test, this was obviously "not quite the thing".
So the local darts team and the W.I. have had a joint meeting (at the local, of course), and the result is that I can now offer you a much more realistic test of familiarity with British culture.
Here are the questions in full;

Q1; What is the correct answer to the query "What do you think of the weather?"
a) Not bad for the time of year.
b) I never talk about the weather.
c) I'm looking forward to the cool season.
d) I think it will be disastrous if we don't get more rain soon.

Q2; What is your most likely reaction to the destruction of your house?
a) Ah well, these things are sent to try us.
b) Not another tornado!
c) I knew we shouldn't have built it in an earthquake zone.
d) I hate those Americans and their guided missiles.

Q3; How would you offer support to someone in an emotional crisis?
a) Offer them a nice cup of hot tea, sweet and strong.
b) Give them the number of your favourite psycho-analyst.
c) Report them to the commissars of the local soviet, as possible candidates for re-education.
d) Summon a shaman to drive out the evil spirits.

Q4: What is the normal term for someone who says he has no religion?
a) A member of the Church of England.
b) A goddam atheist.
c) A right-thinking member of the proletariat.
d) A prospective martyr.

Q5; When Bill Shankly said "Some people think it's a matter of life and death, but I can tell you it's a lot more important than that", what was he talking about?
a) Football
b) Making money
c) Politics
d) Religion

Q6; Which of these things would you rather do on a cricket pitch?
a) Make a century before lunch
b) Face an off-spinner bowling in-swingers, on a sticky wicket.
c) Bowl a maiden over in the gully.
d) Give the Ashes back to Australia.

Q7; The fourth verse of the National Anthem calls on God to help Marshall Wade crush which people?
a) Rebellious Scots
b) Insufferable Frenchmen
c) Beastly Germans
d) Smart-aleck Americans


Anyone who gets all the questions right may become an honorary Briton.
This offer is open to all ATS members (even the French).

reply to post by DISRAELI


Is this
a) Acceptable
b) Unacceptable

reply to post by DISRAELI


I'm a Brit but since I failed the first test I feel as though I should try this one too, lol. My answers are bolded:

Q1; What is the correct answer to the query "What do you think of the weather?"

a) Not bad for the time of year.
b) I never talk about the weather.
c) I'm looking forward to the cool season.
d) I think it will be disastrous if we don't get more rain soon.
I'd like to add my own here: e) Bloody weather, I hate it! It's too warm/cold!!

Q2; What is your most likely reaction to the destruction of your house?

a) Ah well, these things are sent to try us.
b) Not another tornado!
c) I knew we shouldn't have built it in an earthquake zone.
d) I hate those Americans and their guided missiles.

Q3; How would you offer support to someone in an emotional crisis?

a) Offer them a nice cup of hot tea, sweet and strong.
b) Give them the number of your favourite psycho-analyst.
c) Report them to the commissars of the local soviet, as possible candidates for re-education.
d) Summon a shaman to drive out the evil spirits.

Q4: What is the normal term for someone who says he has no religion?

a) A member of the Church of England.
b) A goddam atheist.
c) A right-thinking member of the proletariat.
d) A prospective martyr.

Q5; When Bill Shankly said "Some people think it's a matter of life and death, but I can tell you it's a lot more important than that", what was he talking about?

a) Football (of course. )
b) Making money
c) Politics
d) Religion

Q6; Which of these things would you rather do on a cricket pitch?

a) Make a century before lunch
b) Face an off-spinner bowling in-swingers, on a sticky wicket.
c) Bowl a maiden over in the gully.
d) Give the Ashes back to Australia.

Q7; The fourth verse of the National Anthem calls on God to help Marshall Wade crush which people?

a) Rebellious Scots
b) Insufferable Frenchmen
c) Beastly Germans
d) Smart-aleck Americans

That last answer was made in hope more than anything.

Fun thread btw.

reply to post by Rising Against

The marking on this test will be fairly lenient.
I make that 5 out of 7. A bit over 70%.

b,a,a,b,a,c,b

Funny quiz.

reply to post by DaTroof

I'm going to give you 3 out of 7 for that one.
When did you ever meet a Briton who doesn't talk about the weather? Isn't that the whole point of having weather, to be a lubricant for conversation?

Originally posted by DISRAELI
reply to post by DaTroof

 

I'm going to give you 3 out of 7 for that one.
When did you ever meet a Briton who doesn't talk about the weather? Isn't that the whole point of having weather, to be a lubricant for conversation?

LOL, I guess the other options didn't have that "charm".

Q1; What is the correct answer to the query "What do you think of the weather?"
a) Not bad for the time of year.
b) I never talk about the weather.
d) I think it will be disastrous if we don't get more rain soon. (all heared now and then apart from c)

Q2; What is your most likely reaction to the destruction of your house?
d) I hate those Americans and their guided missiles. (but we don't like to nag)

Q3; How would you offer support to someone in an emotional crisis?
a) Offer them a nice cup of hot tea, sweet and strong. (1 sugar, any more is greedy)

Q4: What is the normal term for someone who says he has no religion?
b) An atheist.(who would damn athiests if there is no god)

Q5; When Bill Shankly said "Some people think it's a matter of life and death, but I can tell you it's a lot more important than that", what was he talking about?
a) Football (most people are deluded into thinking this is important)

Q6; Which of these things would you rather do on a cricket pitch?
a) Make a century before lunch(?)


Q7; The fourth verse of the National Anthem calls on God to help Marshall Wade crush which people?
a) Rebellious Scots (they are all acceptable answers but this is the one)

reply to post by listerofsmeg

I give you 5 out of 7 on that one.
71%, I think.
Yes, the cricket answer is one of the correct ones.

All the A's for me. Do I win anything else, I'm already a uk citizen?

reply to post by mclarenmp4

I must award you 100% (which gives away the secret, of course).
Perhaps, in the context of British culture, I should deduct 5 marks for being "too clever".
I'm afraid I don't have any other prizes in my gift. The Queen deals with knighthoods and bishoprics.

reply to post by DISRAELI


what did i get wrong, was it the weather, we have hose pipe bans everytime we get a week of sun lol.
you need a new question.
who presents top gear?
a) Destiny's child
b) the chuckle brothers
c) ant and dec
d) jezza, captain slow and hampster.

reply to post by listerofsmeg

You've been answered indirectly, when I gave a 100% score to the poster who answerd a) to all of them.
Have you not come across "These things are sent to try us" as the cliched answer to every sort of trouble?
As for "having no religion", this is an old joke which I had better explain in a minute.

Originally posted by DISRAELI
reply to post by listerofsmeg

 

You've been answered indirectly, when I gave a 100% score to the poster who answerd a) to all of them.
Have you not come across "These things are sent to try us" as the cliched answer to every sort of trouble?
As for "having no religion", this is an old joke which I had better explain in a minute.

i can't remember hearing that one before. maybe in an old soap/drama like corrie from the 80s.

Originally posted by DISRAELI
Q4: What is the normal term for someone who says he has no religion?
a) A member of the Church of England.

I'd better explain why I'm giving this as the correct answer.
This is a very, very old joke, which goes back at least as far as World War One recruitment;
"What's your religion? None? Then I'll put you down as C.of E."
It says so much about the British attitude to religion, and how non-central it's been in the twentieth century, besides being a good joke at the expense of the Church of England.

Answer b) expresses an attitude to atheism which is probably more common in America than Britain.

Originally posted by DISRAELI
Answer b) expresses an attitude to atheism which is probably more common in America than Britain.

there so many crappy american sitcoms that are on our tv's that most people i know annoyingly always use american terms.
hell yeah, thats what i'm talking about, say what. do those sound too familiar to you too?
quoting friends or the big bang theory is very british lol.

reply to post by listerofsmeg

It's not just the sitcoms.
I'm old enough to be irritated by the word "student" for school-children, and that's coming from administrators. When I was at school, nobody became a "student" until they went to university.
However, I don't think imitation is likely to overcome the fact that the British are not particularly religious, in comparison.

reply to post by DISRAELI


i left school 10 years ago, they didn't use "student" there, it was "school pupils".
but i have noticed others, such as taxis being called cabs and how dare anyone put down fries on an english menu. it's chips.

reply to post by DISRAELI


Hilarious mate, good stuff

It's now time to give the answers to this test, with explanations;

Q1; What is the correct answer to the query "What do you think of the weather?"
a) Not bad for the time of year.

A useful, conventional, response. Works for many different sets of weather conditions, and keeps the conversation going.

Q2; What is your most likely reaction to the destruction of your house?
a) These things are sent to try us.

Another common cliche, used in reponse to different kinds of trouble. My former vicar hated it, because he disagreed with the implied theology.

Q3; How would you offer support to someone in an emotional crisis?
a) Offer them a nice cup of hot tea, sweet and strong.

Fancy a cuppa, dearie? It will do you good.

Q4: What is the normal term for someone who says he has no religion?
a) A member of the Church of England.

This is a very old joke, going back at least to the days of First World War recruitment.
Recruiting sergeant; "What religion are you? None? Then I'll put you down as C. of E."
This is really about the "automatic" nature of church membership in an Established Church set-up; you'll be regarded as a member of the C. of E. unless you've chosen to belong to another church. But of course it also comes across as a joke at the expense of the Church of England, as a natural home for non-religious people.

Those who opted for the obvious "atheist" failed to notice the adjective; it implies an hostility to atheism which is more American than British.

Q5; When Bill Shankly said "Some people think it's a matter of life and death, but I can tell you it's a lot more important than that", what was he talking about?
a) Football


Q6; Which of these things would you rather do on a cricket pitch?
a) Make a century before lunch

This means scoring 100 runs in a morning (eat your hearts out, baseball players).
The full day-dream of a boy cricket-player is to "Open for England" (be the first English batsman in an international match) with this result.

To those who went for "bowling a maiden over"; that doesn't mean what you think it means. "Maiden over" and "gully" are two genuine cricket terms, but combining the two is another very old joke.

Q7; The fourth verse of the National Anthem calls on God to help Marshall Wade crush which people?
a) Rebellious Scots

"...And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush".
The other options don't scan.
The Americans hadn't been invented yet.


You will see that the design of the quiz makes a) the correct answer to every question.
I was surprised that more people didn't spot the pattern, and use it as a clue.