So Sad, but too late I fear.........

Hi.... I posted a month or so ago, and got such positive feedback, and I thank you all for that. Now, after telling my hubby I'm going to leave if he doesn't stop drinking, I am scared that it is too late.... His legs are swelling up, his blood pressure is through the roof, and he refuses to get medical treatment.

I've been down this road before with my sister, and after these symptoms appeared, it was about 2 months until she died from cirrhosis of the liver.

I know that I am partially to blame for "enabling", but at the same time, I tried not to "enable" my sister, and she blatantly told me that she would find it no matter what, whether it be cough syrup or alcohol, or whatever got her high.

Here, you cannot commit someone over the age of 12 with out their consent. So that leaves me with watching him slowly kill himself. He is really being nice now, not the jerk he was when I posted before, which makes it really hard for me to just up and leave, knowing he has limited time.

I sometimes feel that I am the failure, but then sometimes realize that it is circumstance rather than enablement that is the truth. Can I really blame myself for my sister, and now my husband for "drinking themselves to death?" Or is it my fault for just being a part of their lives and enabling?

ARGHHHHHHHHHH I will never touch nor be with anyone that ever drinks..... ever. I have done my share of that and can see where it is pure evil.

Any input is fine, I am not a person that is not weak by any means, have made some really bad choices in life, but still.... I made a vow to this man and cannot leave him when I know in my heart he is dying.


Here is the post from before:
www.abovetopsecret.com...

Heavy drinkers drink regardless of the situation or you enabling them, give him an ultimatum to either get help or you are gone. Don't waste your life watching someone waste theirs

I remember your post..

It's a sad story, how people become alcoholics & can't see when it is ruining their own lives, as well as the lives of other around them, including loved ones.

If I remembered correctly, you used to drink with him as well?

Are you still drinking with him? Or have you stopped now (stopping doesn't mean only having a drink every now & then together..but stopping completely)..

You can only lead by example, & hope he can see how things can be without alcohol in your system influencing your actions & muddling up your mind.

I can only express my sincere empathetic feelings towards you & your husband..

I hope you two get through this, & can look back on it in the future as nothing but a small bump in the road..

reply to post by On the level


The ultimatum has already been given.... would you leave someone that you know is going to die? I can't feel in my heart that that is right, even though he drinks a lot..............should he die without anyone there? Is that what you would like for you if you were in that circumstance?

reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe


No, I quit drinking when I realized what a true problem it is in my life......... I just can't seem to leave him when I know he can't stop and isn't going to make it..... although it hurts, I can move on after the fact if he refuses treatment.......... and thank you for your input. And this is not a small bump in the road, I really wish it was. He will turn yellow soon, I'm sure.... IF he doesn't have a heart attack.

I thought watching my sister going through this was bad, but this is a hurt that I can't describe.

reply to post by freespirit1


Have you tried the scare-tactic?

If your husband can be a little stubborn & hard-headed (like me), then I've always found that a sudden shock to the system can work wonders.

However, try to remain strong & focused..If he loses you, then what hope does he have left?

You need to be there for him, when nobody else is.

Why not contact AA, go to a meeting together & see how it goes from there.

If he's not willing, get somebody from AA to phone you & speak to him, to persuade him into coming.

If he's still not having it, try the scare-tactics by putting on documentaries about alcoholism & its effects.

Find photos of people laying in hospital, or other shocking photo's of alcoholics..research some hard-hitting information about all the downsides of drinking.

He's STILL not having it? Why not record him when he's at his worst drunkeness, to show back to him when he's sober the next day.

Just keep trying to drive the message home.

You will eventually get there, I believe in you.

I'd like you to see this thread about Valerian and alcohol www.abovetopsecret.com...


I feel for you.
What a complex situation. You need to do what is good for yourself, but at the same time I am a believer in the marriage vows. And how do you leave someone who you think is dying? And wouldn't that maybe push them over the edge? For some it may be a wake up call, but for others it would be the last nail in the coffin....

Maybe the answer is therapy... some centers run on income based fee scales. The therapy cannot make him quit drinking so much, but it maybe could help him understand you and what you are going through and maybe in the long run he would himself decide it was time to quit or cut back to a reasonable level.

reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe


Thank you for saying you believe in me..... I am really trying to do that too, and it means a lot to have some one else say it!!!!!!!! I can not just leave, but you have given me some good ideas that I will go with, will keep you posted, thanks!

reply to post by tinker9917


The thing is, at least in this state.... you have to consent to go. I can't just tell him he has to and make it so, or I would. I left work 3 hours early yesterday because he told me the local clinic wouldn't treat him because his blood pressure is too high and he needed to go to emergency..... yet when I got here he didn't want to go, even after saying he would go when I got home.

Can I ask you a few questions?

-How old are both of you?
-Does you husband have a job, has he ever had a job, or has he given up trying?
-Do you have kids?
-What is your definition of alcoholism?
-How long have you been married?
-How often does your husband abuse you emotionally?
-Who buys the booze, you or him?
-Have you always partied together continuously from the get-go, or was there a time when you were both somewhat sober and only partied occasionally?

Thanks in advance for your reply.

reply to post by freespirit1

Hi. THanks for your post. It's good to keep thinking.

I'm gonna be brutally honest with you and me here. I am a 40 year old alcohol abuser (I refrain from the term alcoholic when referring to myself as I am not physically addicted to the #, but mentally) who got so low that it looks like up now. I never get drunk anymore because I drink daily. Some 6-12 pints. Whatever I need to feel warm and fuzzy enough to fall into a cold, empty bed.

You are not the failure. Please realise that honestly. But in the same spirit, neither is he. It is just an inability to deal with things. Jumping in a bottle is easy, dealing with problems isn't. Speaking for myself I jumped in a bottle after never having drunk, aged 30+ or so. My several year relationship was reaching new levels of lowness and honest and frank conversation was not possible anymore. As time went by and the relationship became sourer, well...that just made it easier.

Eventually we grew apart and communicated via post-it notes. I came home, she left to go out, vice versa. I would like to offer the opinion that "enablement" is a strange and possibly BS term. There are problems, some drink, some avoid, some leave, some just get more angry.

At the end of the day, pity is not a good thing to fuel a relationship and if you stay around out of pity it might not have the result you expected. 4 years later I am still alive and relatively healthy. If my partner had stayed around all that time without meaning it, it could have ended much worse I think.

In any case, I wish you much strength and fortitude.

To be fair, I can stop drinking in the blink of an eye and have done so multiple times (along with tobacco, something relatively innocuous we can't talk about here and time spent on the computer....) while in the relationship. When I saw no change in the relationship, it made me wonder why these things were set as a condition. Just my 2 cents and no reflection on you.

I am nothing but honest and open. I hope you can take it in the spirit it is meant friend.

ETA Not asking for sorrow or sympathy but just to close my story, my partner left without a word or another note after 10 years. I came home one day to find 2/3's of the furniture and her gone. (Almost thought I'd been burgled ) The nest week, the other third of her property was gone and I was alone.

Originally posted by freespirit1
Hi.... I posted a month or so ago, and got such positive feedback, and I thank you all for that. Now, after telling my hubby I'm going to leave if he doesn't stop drinking, I am scared that it is too late.... His legs are swelling up, his blood pressure is through the roof, and he refuses to get medical treatment.

I've been down this road before with my sister, and after these symptoms appeared, it was about 2 months until she died from cirrhosis of the liver.

I know that I am partially to blame for "enabling", but at the same time, I tried not to "enable" my sister, and she blatantly told me that she would find it no matter what, whether it be cough syrup or alcohol, or whatever got her high.

Here, you cannot commit someone over the age of 12 with out their consent. So that leaves me with watching him slowly kill himself. He is really being nice now, not the jerk he was when I posted before, which makes it really hard for me to just up and leave, knowing he has limited time.

I sometimes feel that I am the failure, but then sometimes realize that it is circumstance rather than enablement that is the truth. Can I really blame myself for my sister, and now my husband for "drinking themselves to death?" Or is it my fault for just being a part of their lives and enabling?

ARGHHHHHHHHHH I will never touch nor be with anyone that ever drinks..... ever. I have done my share of that and can see where it is pure evil.

Any input is fine, I am not a person that is not weak by any means, have made some really bad choices in life, but still.... I made a vow to this man and cannot leave him when I know in my heart he is dying.


Here is the post from before:
www.abovetopsecret.com...

edit on 3-2-2012 by freespirit1 because: (no reason given)

edit on 3-2-2012 by freespirit1 because: (no reason given)

ive been addicted to drugs myself, marjuana, coc aine tbh everything except heroin and crack, anyway my experience is that no matter what anyone does it has to come from within, in the end i stopped without rehab or anything.

but my lifes a constant fight against addiction, i see the beauty in everything, and can be naive ive seen the destructive effects of drugs, and alchol on myself.

anyway i wont go on about myself to much dont worry, point being, i only realised how bad it was when i started getting panic attacks, i thought i had a stroke at 20, from a major panic attack. bad times
but i still couldnt stop in the end a combination of me realising an intervention of my whole family getting involved saved me.

however without wishing to point out the negative, certain people struggle in this life, even if theres no real hardship we wont anwers to the questions people choose to ignore.

i fight feelings of suicide almost everyday, i consider part of my mentality as dead, because ive lost the spark that once made my freinds and girls like me lol, its weerd and cap that with withdrawl symptoms popping up out of the blew, possible undiagnozed mental issues from this drug.


anyway i believe anyone can stop, if they fight hard enough, but they need to be reminded everything they have, they will lose, if they go, thats it game over, no more retrys. no more second chances no more seeing you, no more family no more sunshine.

however in my case when youve been standing on the edge of the aybss and its all crumbiling around you, sometime you wonder weather you really made it back.


i hope you can make some sense out of that, and please never give up on someone when there in that situation, his life may always be hard and he may always walk in the path of the warrior fighting for his own life. and if that affects your personal happiness you cannot be with him for ever. but the smallest thing you can do for him and to point out what hell lose if he carries on may help


im praying for the both of you

reply to post by freespirit1


As long as you keep trying, then there's hope.

I know, ultimately it will have to be him, & only him that can put down the drink..

But you can push him in that direction..You can lead him to the door, & then it's up to him whether he walks through the door, or you go back to square one.

In which case, you try again.

Personally, he's a lucky guy to have you..Most people would have gone down the "give up or leave" route..which does nothing IMO to help the situation (although it could be used as a scare-tactic..but one that probably won't work).

Here is what I do to make moral/ethical/emotional decisions. There can be no control of others. All we can do is know what we can live with and what we cannot. You must be able to look yourself in the mirror. It is about living with yourself and whatever the consequences of your decisions will be.

Decide for you which is the higher value, staying with someone based on a vow, or looking to heal yourself. No one can make this choice for you. I can feel your pain and torment and I pray it will be eased.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


He is 40, I am 41

We both have jobs, full time. I met him when I worked where he works. That has never been an issue, he goes to work no matter what the circumstance.

I have 3 biological kids, he has one bio and one step.... and we have a grandbaby on the way.

My definition of alcoholism is drinking in excess to where your life is affected on a daily basis..... usually not a good thing.

We have been married less than a year, but together for four.

I am abused emotionally mostly on a daily basis.... sometimes (especially lately when he knows something is wrong) he is amazingly nice.

He buys the booze, I refuse to anymore, as I told him I am not watching him kill himself and have something to feel guilty about.

We used to party regularly, then I got pregnant and stopped drinking.... after I lost the baby I started drinking socially, then stopped totally when I saw what a problem he was having drinking at all.

If he could stop drinking (If I'm wrong and it's not too late) he is worth fighting to keep. This is the only reason that I can't just put that final nail in his coffin and up and leave. I really do love him (and his 18 year old son) and can't just pull away when he needs me. Does this make me a bad person? I hope not.

reply to post by freespirit1


no it makes you an angel. provided everything is good apart from the emotional problems caused by the drink, id say stay with him, but its not my choice, the worst thing i was in that situation was hearing my mother saying she wanted nothing to do with me. id broke her heart she couldnt look at me, that made me get worse, then after a long fight,



by the way worth noting i box now, sometimes addicts just need to switch the addiction

reply to post by tinker9917


This is why I can't leave.... I am a believer in the marriage vows also, and he, no matter what will always be my friend, even though I don't like what he does at times. There is a bond that will never go away, and that's why I married him. He can't help drinking and getting high on pills any more than I can help saying "hello" to a stranger and helping someone else that needs it.

reply to post by Iamschist


The thing is, I really don't care about ME at this point.... I just wish he could get better. If he can do that, then we will work on moral/ethical values together. I just don't see that happening. His feet are 3 times the size they should be, his blood pressure is 280 over something, and he won't go to the ER as much as I tell him he is at stroke level.

reply to post by freespirit1


personal advice

intervension- get your kids to talk about how they want there grandad to take the kid out with you and things.
despite how they are considered corny, seeing family members crying and distraught becasue of what your doing, sometimes help it sink in.

support- the first few weeks his mind will be insane, i was violent, didnt know wether i was coming or going.

hobbies- does he enjoy, going to watch the football, you know, erm playing it with kids or w/e

and sometimes, if youve had a friend or know of someone in the area who was affected and got better or worse will help.

sometimes even if you help im he may feel no one understands its always good to talk to someone whos been there

reply to post by freespirit1


its sounds like he really needs to go to the er, maybe youl have to do the intervention and when hes seen that he may agree to er?