Need help with being an introvert

Hi everyone. I'm 24 years old and healthy.
Well...I have a bit of a personal problem. A constant state of mental turmoil. See, every day I get home from work, lock myself up in the house...and just watch things and play games. Thats the way I like it, its what makes me happiest. I do have friends, and I do socialize...and I find after a few days its all I feel like doing, but I have to FORCE myself to socialize. Whenever I do go out to a pub or something, I feel relieved, because I sit at home feeling guilty about it.

The problem is, when I do go out, all I think about is getting back home and chilling. When I'm at home chilling, I start feeling really guilty about not answering my friend's invites and socials...so I end up going out to give my guilty conscience a break. It really does make me happy to just sit at home by myself, I just prefer my own company and thoughts. My low self esteem might have a part to play here, but this attitude has been with me as far back as I can remember.

I do tend to over indulge a bit when it comes to the use of a certain...natural plant. (sorry mods, because of its significance, I had to put that in somehow) I realize this is really not the best thing to take in my situation, but I've come to rely on it at the end of the day to switch off.

I end up becoming angry with myself, I end up lying to everyone, including family, just so that I can get that one extra day at home and doing what I prefer to do.

My question here is...should I be concerned? I've totally over analysed the situation in my head so I can't answer it properly. Do I need help or should I just make more of an effort to please those that I love?

Any suggestion or personal story would help out!

Fella, you should be concerned but not at all mad at yourself.

Your story is like mine.

Have a nice day.

I know exactly how you feel, minus the cannibis part.

I would rather stay home and not socialize, and usually feel happier when I'm home. It takes a huge effort, and a forcing of myself to do it, to engage in social activities.

One thing that has helped me is having an outgoing wife. She has no problems engaging in social activites, and excells at it, and making friends.

She knows that I am the way I am, and ecourages me to be more outgoing. I'm lucky to have her. She provides a good balance. She also understands that I sometimes need alone time, and respects that.

Also, I have kids, and encourage them to be outgoing, because I don't want them to end up like me. I serve as a den leader for my oldest's cub scout pack. And encourage my youngest in whatever interests him. We get plenty of down time, and I find myself wanting to stay home with them, but luckely, they enjoy social activities,and continue to encourage me to be more outgoing.

Before I had them, I dealt with the same issues you are. I would rather have stayed in all day, and not have to talk to anybody. But they seem to equalize me.

I suggest getting into a social group, or getting a significant other. This way you can force yourself to be somewhat active, and still get your much needed alone time.

While being alone is not bad, it must be balanced with social activity. Too much alone time is not good for you, and could result in unwanted psychological problems.

I can tell you, from experience, one important thing:

Lay off the cannabis...

Its fun stuff, but it will wreck you. Ive been addicted to it for 9 years, since 6 months I dont use it anymore, and really, i feel much better.
Cannabis has a habit, when your not feeling fine, to make you depressed and anti-social. It can be relaxing aswell, specially when you feel like noone understands you.

I swear, dropping the cannabis is the best decision ive ever made!

In the mean time... know that there are a lot of people that actually have troubles with socializing... bu the times now with FB, Twitter etc is that everybody thinks you need to have a big social life to be happy... thats really not the case.. Ive got just a couple of friends, but they are really good friends who can accept me for who I am, so they also accept it if I dont talk to them for a month... they know who I am and what I do

I am in the same boat my friend.

I like being at home chilling (i also do the cannabis thing on a regular basis, Just my preference to relaxing and ebbing out the stress of the day.)
I like playing games
I like cruising youtube.
I like to research topics of interest (latest being the elite ruling families)

But i also have very little friends, i have a few, and i only see one of the on a regular basis. Which is fine with me, i lost my need to socialize a couple years ago,
I dont like to drink (i dont like being 'out of control', been there.. done that.. regrets..)
I dont like to party (not the most comfortable to me)


I think there is NOTHING wrong with you, everyone is different. I prefer to be at home and socialize when i feel like socializing. I go to work and socialize at work with fellow humans who have the same interests as me (i work in a tech firm, so we're all pretty much nerds to the core). And after work i go home, play games, do 'whatever', be with my girlfriend, and it feels like all i need.

There are of course some things that i like to do socially, like going to plays, or going to concerts and local band shows in bars. But i dont drink much at said concerts and bars.

Though sometimes i have the urge to go out and do something, even if im doing it alone. Get in the car and go for a drive, get a coffee and sit and have a smoke, or go do some errands and etc.

If you don't want to go out, then don't. But match it with a healthy dose of 'do go out'. It doesn't hurt.

reply to post by Brad-H
It sounds like you are a intj or a infj type ..ever take the human metric test ? www.humanmetrics.com... Myers Briggs

there is a group forum you might like to read threw www.infjs.com...

I can understand a bit about the stuff you may be using to calm your mind but would suggest using your mind to find a more moderate way of making your day to day week to week interactions with your friends and loved ones profitable to all concerned ,especially yourself ...Self is first ...hope this might help in a small way ....peace

In all honesty.
The friends i have are true friends, i made the decision not to surround myself with people i don't know or like, so i chose to have a few really good friends, as opposed to a lot of semi-friends that a) gossip b) not the same interests c) are just generally ignorant.

True friends for life is much better than douche bags.

You sound exactly as I did when I was your age and then some.

Yes.. It's a problem.

Pot makes it 100X worse.

Push yourself to "hang out" every other day if you can do it, for a week. You will notice a big diffrence. If you can pull yourself away from this for a week you will find yourself feeling much better. But, this is also a cross roads to go back to your cocoon. Dont do it. It's horrible on friends, it will destroy any relationships you may have or will have...

I am a serious introvert and my mind wanders non stop all the time. Pot was the worst thing I could have ever introduced myself into, but it helped with the creativity. No good thinkin about it if you cant get off your ass and do it... Know what I mean?


Get out there bro, see people, breathe the air! If you can push past this for a week, you can do it a lifetime. You will feel better and it will be easy to change your ways.. more than you think it is. Stop telling yourself .. well, everything negative and just enjoy the life before you. It may feel like a ton of bricks the first day or so, but throw it out of your mind and carry on. You'll be ok.

I am not a socializing person and sometimes I feel guilty about that as well ... I like being alone at home, drawing, playings some games or just chill on my couch ... sometimes also with help of some green cigarettes :-) but much less than years ago ... when I feel too guilty about it I accept an offer to go out and in the end, I am always happy to be back home again. I am not drinking anymore and having senseless conversations about topics that I have talked about a zillion times already while watching others getting hammered does not do it for me anymore ... I get more bored while doing so. there are people that love to be surrounded by others all the time, but most of them do not know, how to be alone ... they have to do something with somebody else, otherwise they go nuts. For me it is the other way around, I go mad when there is always somebody around me ... it is enough to be surrounded by a bunch of people at work, so I do not need that after work as well ... I think not everybody is made to live in groups ... there are loners as well and I am one of them ... yeah and I like it :-)

I feel exactly the same!

I like a certain plant too, more so to help me sleep and cope with PTSD though.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's just who you are. However you should realise what possible impressions that gives your friends. You don't want them to think its THEM thats putting you off from socializing etc. Had a few misunderstandings with one of my friends concerning this. He found it strange that I like chilling by myself and read something lol

Best of luck dude

reply to post by the2ofusr1


I am an INTP.

Do not worry. Here is the deal, in general introverts understand extroverts but extroverts do not understand introverts. I am an introvert and love every minute of it, I at one time had the same feelings, until I learned that it does not matter what others think. My family has finally figured out that there is nothing wrong with me and eventually they left me alone about it. I got so tired of them telling me I need more friends. There is another site that is pretty good to look at, PersonalityCafe.com. While some have mentioned cannabis as being a problem for them, for me it has not and is not. I have all my other hobbies to keep me busy and focused. No one should feel guilty for being introverted, the extroverts are the ones that should be feeling guilty for pressuring the introverts.

reply to post by Skewed


"...the extroverts are the ones that should be the ones feeling guilty for pressuring the introverts."

Well said Sir, Well said.

Yep, There's no problem with enjoying being alone.
I live in a city, so its very loud all the time when your outside.

Cars, people, construction, buses, trucks, ships, power plant, neighbours,
Nothing beats a quiet night inside your own home with your own entertainment,

And as for green cigarettes, each person is different, what works for me might not work for someone else,
It keeps me level headed, not as stressed out, not depressed, not angry. All pro's in my book. I stress like a madman, always have and always will (haha, sigh)

reply to post by Brad-H


Brad,

Just going to tell you honestly I was the same way and hated it. I went to an all boys catholic high school and really did not know how to talk to girls. I too would have rather spent the night at home with the same thing - snuck it in too! - but it bothered me. I was a young man, I had defeated my being overweight during earlier years.

To top it off I had a job - printer - that kept me locked in a windowless basement all day. One day I lost my job - Illinois patronage job, and one that was gotten for me - so I looked around for something I had always wanted to do. At the time Cheers was very popular on T.V. I became a bartender.

Suddenly, I was in charge in the bar. To be fair, I picked a singles bar in which you usually were not the only bartender. and since I had lied and created my past experience this last came in handy when I got a drink I had not learned yet.

It was the best thing I ever did. Suddenly there was no shortage of female companionship - it was the eighties, nothing incurable had been rolled out yet! - although I would say my motorcycle probably helped in this are. However soon, I wasn't so shy anymore.

Within a couple of years I came to a point where I needed a roommate. I put an add in the paper and one of the guys who DJ at another local bar wanted to move in. He was from upstate and when I would get off work - 1 o'clock bar - I would go to his - 3 o'clock bar - and listen/watch him work. He got more women than I did! Of course he looked like he just stepped off a chippendale calender, but who was paying attention to details?

Eventually I worked my nerve up to apply to be a DJ at another club. I had moved to Rockford IL by that time and the Main Event - A Chicago Bears investment - was my new employment. I was a terrible DJ, but after working at it got better. So much better that eventually I found myself working in Milwaukee full time. My shyness was nearly completely dead and vanquished.

One day i had heard at my second job that a friend of mine had been moved from Chicago to Memphis to take over the Air Freight company's terminal there. He needed help. I had heard about the strip clubs in Memphis from other truckers so I jumped at the transfer. It wasn't long before i had a job DJing. In fact my first night was Dec 31 and I spent it DJing for nekkid girls while using my cell phone to verify that some equipment needed in a gold mine in AZ made it's connecting flight in Paris. And my daddy had said I would never amount to anything!

I knew that I was doing something many men would give their eye teeth to experience, if only...

At first I sucked as a DJ as the shake joint biz is different than the meat market biz, much more talking and flash involved. However eventually I got good and was working at one of the top clubs in Memphis. To this day I have a friend from there who now runs a bar of the same sort in Portland Maine. I have a standing invitation to come there and start work, but at 53 I doubt I ever will. Still, while DJing in Memphis my income would at times average $300 a night in tips. And there were down sides to all this.

In Memphis your job doesn't last very long, so you are constantly moving from one bar to the next, so I started making leather bondage equipment in my spare time. When I would get replaced I would just sell more leather. You know, spike collars and whips and restraints and such. The girls would buy it up for the stage, and other things, and I would get to visit the different dressing rooms in town. Before long invariably one manager would say; "Hay man, are you working right now?" And I would have my next job, though I had learned by this time to look like I was hesitant to take the job.

But the moral of the story is that I am no longer shy in the least. I have confidence on microphones in front of large audiences and have even been on T.V. several times without batting an eye. But most important I can now talk to girls without getting choked up, or wondering what to say etc.

Anyway, that is how I did it. Hope this helps you in some way as I know what you are going through. One word of caution though, should you decide to go this route; It was pretty scary in the beginning.

Edit; Just read the rest of the replies. I did mine out of will, not by becoming a quitter. The unmentionable here only wins if you let it. It is still my friend, while conformity has never been. Or to quote Cartman; "I do what I want. It's my hot body!" BTW I now live in a Washingtron State - a green State!

reply to post by Brad-H


That's the life of an introvert. I find much more peace by myself rather than out socializing. The problem comes from my family being made up entirely of extroverts who are constantly having get-togethers and don't understand my aversion to joining them. It's just more enjoyable to stew with my own thoughts learning new things or dedicated to a variety of small projects. I'd join you in your partaking of a particular plant, except I've got a job that is constantly making me pee in a cup. But that's not a big deal. What's important is that you don't feel like there's something wrong with you. I feel like I could be more verbose and helpful, but it's late for me and I just wanted to throw in a response for you.

Yep. I know the first thing that needs to be done here is end my relationship with mary jane...its definetly a contributing factor. I've become dependent on it in terms of sleeping as well...so its gotta go. $%!& its going to be hard, but I don't have much of a choice if I want to get out of this. I have a love/hate relationship with the plant haha.

I've already seen a few responses that, in all seriousness, are going to help me out a lot. I keep thing about myself as some weird little...reclusive Gollum creature living in a cave. A shifting of thought will do wonders here.

thanks also for the human metrics link, I'll do that now.

I'm amazed at how many other people out there are in a similar situation, it never ceases to amaze me.

I was in a relationship a few months ago (in an attempt to get out of my routine) but it just diddn't work out, my heart wasn't in it. It made me worse that I actually was, but that was my own fault.

reply to post by Skewed
Thanks for the link ...I marked it and will probably check it out later ...There are so many ways of dealing with some of the small issues we have but I dont think substance to be the end all be all ...Being alone for me is not dealing with a issue I may have but is something I am very comfortable with , more so than being in a crowed ...But I do enjoy some people some of the time and never all people all the time ....peace

reply to post by Brad-H


Dump the games. Don't fuss over socialising, it's overrated. Just get yourself informed, and ATS is a great place to do that.

reply to post by Brad-H


Its the pot.....I have seen it happen to multiple people before...


You can either stop using it, or start taking something like adderall to reverse the anti social tendicies....

Its all chemical man....there is no such thing as extroverts or intreverts. It is all about the chemicals.....


Give some coc aine to a introvert and they will become extroverted

reply to post by Brad-H

Yep. I know the first thing that needs to be done here is end my relationship with mary jane...its definetly a contributing factor. I've become dependent on it in terms of sleeping as well...so its gotta go. $%!& its going to be hard, but I don't have much of a choice if I want to get out of this.

Before you start 12 stepping down the road, remember, you are stronger than you think. My father raised me to never be a quitter, but to be an overcomer of problems instead! You have a choice, it is called self determination. Remember always seek the middle ground.