need help with this situation. Preggo ex girlfriend seeks full custody of my child

I met a girl in college we dated for about 4 months 2 of which we planned on having a child. Now from the get go there have been many strange occurrences. Like from the very beginning she told me that if we had a kid i didn't need to be in its life. I laughed and said like a sperm donor she laughed as well. This was at the very beginning now her father and mother are both illegal aliens who live in the united states. Her mother was preggo with someone elses kid when she met her father and her bother doesn't know the father, Her sister had a kid with a white man "Ps I'm also white" and from what i have been told the father was abusive so she got a restraining order on him and has full custody of the child they told me his father was in jail and just got out. Her sister got married after that to a black man who apparently died in a motorcycle accident and now is with a mexican guy she just had a daughter with. Weird thing is I talked to the kid who's father was locked up and he told me that his father died in a motorcycle accident! He doesn't know his real father and hes 12 years old but they told me they told him. i didn't have the heart or right to tell him the truth.

She told me one day that she needed to go with her brother to court one day I found out it was because he didn't have a drivers license i found that strange because he owns a house or rents one and has his own business. She is the only one with a bank account and uses it to deposit money for her father and brother ps she told me that her bother needs her help because his wife takes all his money so he hides money through her bank account. She also told me that she went to school in mexico from like 8 to 12 until she got back to the states. Now we both go to college with each other so I think she was born here in California. But i wonder. I asked her if this is a family thing her mom and sister have kids "first born" who don't know their father she acted like how dare you ask that question and said is that what you think.

She told me that she was leaving because of my attitude and that i didn't have any drive which is funny cause I'm going to school and I'm in a hard field "information security". she said that i slacked off which did for the first month that i have known. But she is only 2 months in and i found out after she was already a month preggo. The wild thing is her family supports her deciding to write me off completely out of my child's life. I have never hit her or anything i don't go out to bars and i don't do any drugs i never cheated. She also told me the second she found out it wasn't about her self anymore thats why she left yet when we talked and i said I would fight to get custody of my kid she said she might not have it and if i decided to do that she would have an abortion. She told me not to tell my parents Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on?

You were a sperm donor and that was it. She just stayed until she was sure she was pregnant.
If you have any intentions on seeing the child, then you need to take her to court. Also, you need to confirm paternity, if it's not yours then you can avoid paying child support.
You need to tell this story to a lawyer and see what you can do from there. I doubt a judge would look to kindly on a woman who would do this to a person.
NEVER talk about having children with a person you have only known a few months. Next time, give it a few years.

reply to post by pcrobotwolf


Do not waste any time...Get a lawyer ASAP...anything you can do to get partial custody is needed. Can you get any resources from your family or friends?

If she gets full custody you will have to pay child support. If you can't pay because your going to school, it doesn't matter you'll end up in jail.

A 10.00$ box of condoms would have negated this problem. Next time use a damn condom.

You have gotten involved with crazy dirtbag mudpeople. Leave now. Don't look back. Don't worry about the brat. Get out while you still can.

reply to post by RightWingAvenger


actually i asked about child support payments she said she didn't want a thing from me also. If she get full custody i dont think she is allowed to get child support seeing as how i cant be in the childs life

Follow this advice

Stop communicating, and if you have to talk document everything(phone calls, meetings, everything)
Get a lawyer
Don't do anything stupid or illegal because that will end up hurting you

Her being in college is not an indicator of her immigration status.

I had custody problems with my daughter too, so I know where you're coming from.

My advice for now, while she's still pregnant, is to remain on friendly terms with her. Don't make her angry or upset, or give her any reason to flee with your child. Don't threaten her, don't make her aware of any legal action you decide to take. (let the lawyer/courts do this) Let her know you want to accept this responsibility and you would like to be in the child's life - but if she's not receptive to this don't force anything just yet.

The system is slanted toward mothers, and many judges will dismiss out without consideration simply because you are male. If you truly want to be in your child's life you need to eventually get into court and have a court order saying so. There are various hotlines and help centers for fathers in your situation, I would advise calling them as they deal with this every single day. They will give you much better advice than I imagine ATS could, unless we have a family services lawyer in our midst.

No offense, but it really sounds like you fathered an anchor baby. Doesn't mean that baby deserves any less than any other baby, and as YOUR baby I'm sure he/she will deserve the world. If I were you I would start looking at your ex's immigration status too - it might help if you eventually do end up in a courtroom.

Good luck!

reply to post by pcrobotwolf


What are your parents like? If they are okay, reasonably intelligent, and have previously shown they can be relied upon to gie you good advice, I suggest that you ignore what the girl says and go get the support that you need right now. If they are likely to flip and make you even more agitated, then you would be better making an appointment with your College's counselling service. You will not be able to approach the situation rationally until you have vented and hopefully been helped towards some sort of structure to deal with the obiously varied issues at hand.

As far as the pregnancy and your ex-girlfriend, stay away. Give her and yourself some space to come to terms with the situation, and most of all accept that you cannot control the situation. What you can ensure is that if the child is born, and you do want a place in it's life, that you haven't fallen to pieces, or dropped out of school, or generally allowed this to be anything more than a molehill. What will be, will be, and you have to accept that it isn't your fault and that you might not be able to be involved in this. But life goes on. Concentrate on yourself, that is the best thing you can do right now.

reply to post by RightWingAvenger


here's the thing dude we had papers to get married and we had known each other for longer then year we only dated 4 months. Ps she lived with me for 2 months while we planned on getting married. So this came as kind of a shock

It sound like the Classic Illegal alien scenario.

The policy is what is defined as “Anchor Baby”.

The way it works is the unborn child is a US Citizen, the mother is not. The Policy is to allow the Mother Permanent Alien status for the welfare of the child. The child becomes the anchor for the Mother to stay in the US, “Anchor Baby”

There is one more benefit for you in this situation, Child Support. You now, under threat of jail, will be required to pay (most likely wage garnishment), the Mother for a minimum of 18 years and possibly 23 years a percentage of your salary, meaning you will pay for the Roof over their head, the food on the table, and clothes on their back.

Your Ex as already given you the clues, that if you fail to be a silent dad, she will kill this baby and find another sucker.

This is the reason you don’t just knock up some chick.

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf
reply to post by RightWingAvenger

 

actually i asked about child support payments she said she didn't want a thing from me also. If she get full custody i dont think she is allowed to get child support seeing as how i cant be in the childs life

No, she is allowed.

As the father you are AUTOMATICALLY responsible for child support, when and if paternity is linked to you. If she can establish you're the father (she makes the claim, the state tests your DNA for a match) then the court will order you to pay support regardless of what your custody situation is, and without a separate court order establishing your custodial/visitation rights she will get your money every pay check and you'll never get to see your child. Support and visitation are TWO separate issues, and while a court order may establish rules for both, it doesn't need to and WONT if you aren't there to make sure it happens.

She might CLAIM that she wants nothing, but she has 18 years to change her mind and collect arrears. She says right now she doesn't want anything from you, but what about in a year when she has the baby and can't work for a few months and needs support? What about in 5 years when Junior is starting school? What about in 10 years when she decides she could use a few hundred more every month?

You need to protect yourself with a court ordered custody agreement. She can opt to allow you to sign away all custodial rights, which will free you from child support, but it must be court ordered. She can also claim that you refuse to pay, and get the court to deduct it from your check. There are a lot of scenarios that could play out, the only way to protect yourself from these possibilities is to get everything on the record and official through the courts.

Obviously she's not the most honest person, don't take her word on anything. Court orders are the only way to protect all parties involved.

I would recommend establishing paternity and getting on the record as your child's father - right now you might be willing to let this all go away but I assure you there will come a time when you want to know your child - and when you do get to know them you'll find all the old stuff that used to be important pales in comparison to this new, miraculous thing.

Do the right thing! Kids need dads!

Originally posted by TinkerHaus
Her being in college is not an indicator of her immigration status.

I had custody problems with my daughter too, so I know where you're coming from.

My advice for now, while she's still pregnant, is to remain on friendly terms with her. Don't make her angry or upset, or give her any reason to flee with your child. Don't threaten her, don't make her aware of any legal action you decide to take. (let the lawyer/courts do this) Let her know you want to accept this responsibility and you would like to be in the child's life - but if she's not receptive to this don't force anything just yet.

The system is slanted toward mothers, and many judges will dismiss out without consideration simply because you are male. If you truly want to be in your child's life you need to eventually get into court and have a court order saying so. There are various hotlines and help centers for fathers in your situation, I would advise calling them as they deal with this every single day. They will give you much better advice than I imagine ATS could, unless we have a family services lawyer in our midst.

No offense, but it really sounds like you fathered an anchor baby. Doesn't mean that baby deserves any less than any other baby, and as YOUR baby I'm sure he/she will deserve the world. If I were you I would start looking at your ex's immigration status too - it might help if you eventually do end up in a courtroom.

Good luck!

Excellent advice! BUT the system is only slanted towards mothers in such cases because they appear to have the support system in place to raise the child 'alone', as this girl has, her parents, extended family, all supporting her choices...fathers who can do the same, and show themselves to be economically dependable also will be viewed favourably...and a court is unlikely to deny access at least, or to put in place an order that prevents her from leaving the state with the child.

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf
reply to post by RightWingAvenger

 

actually i asked about child support payments she said she didn't want a thing from me also. If she get full custody i dont think she is allowed to get child support seeing as how i cant be in the childs life

What a screwed up girl! No offense but you really believe this? If she gets any kind of financial assistance or medical assistance to pay for the pregnancy, they WILL GO AFTER YOU for child support. It doesn't matter to them whether you she the kid or not. Even if she doesn't intend to go after you for child support. Let's just hope she has some killer private insurance or is planning on paying for the medical bills from the pregnancy in cash.
How is she paying for college? I am sure given what you have told us about her family that she they make plenty of money to pay for her schooling in cash right?

I have to agree Anchor baby.

reply to post by pcrobotwolf


You will be held financially responsible for the support of this child no matter what.

Child support is NOT dependent on visitation, period.

Investing in the condom of the month club is your future.

Second even though the first says it all.

So her parents are illegal? Was she born here? If so she is illegal cause they probably came here to have her on purpose like so many other illegals because some law allows them to stay if they give birth here.

Maybe this girl is doing the same and trying to get pregnant for similar reasons. Also no offense but who on earth discusses having a child with someone they have only known couple months? People can be deceiving and this is apparent to me in this situation. Im sorry you are dealing with this but any chick imo who is already trying to get pregnant after a couple months is crazy.

I would think you would really want to know someone before having kids with them.

I would get a lawyer like another member said. It just seems like she used you to get pregnant and that isn't right.

Im female and I can't stand when women use men to get pregnant. I know a girl who did this and openly admitted it to me. She manipulated her ex and made him think she was already pregnant so then she got pregnant pretty quick cause they didnt have to be "safe" or so he thought. I told her she was a completely insane person to do that to someone and a child. I have never thought of her the same since. It honestly shows how manipulative she is and I can now see how it fits who she is a person. It's quite creepy to be honest. I would never have suspected her to do something like this. It was very telling of who she is as a person.

I have seen many women do this to men and it's so wrong!

Best of luck to you

Fathers For Justice may be able to help.

Good luck.

Even if you are sure of the circumstances of the child being yours, FFS please get a DNA test. The last thing you need is to pay for someone else's seed. For all you know, she was banging other dudes on the side, hell she is probably living with some other chump atm. Also, get an STD test. Specifically HPV, HIV, and Hep C. Don't ever trust a shady lady again bro.

i didnt read any other responses but this is what you need to do.

Start a journal or log, add in any email communiactions etc you have with here, date time and sve/print all emails.

always express a desire and want to see/be with your child. (you should anyway but make it apparent)

get a lawyer

In so many cases in custody battles it turns into mom said vs dad said because there is rarely any documentation. if you have logs and times, dates etc they can be verified by call logs from a phone company. if she says one thing and then you have written proof the court will side with you as you have the documentation. the best case scenario (depending on what you want your future relationship to be with this person) is full custody of the child.

do beleive anything she says, ever. thats for a court to decide. other things you should not do. do not tell her you are saving emails and keeping written logs of correspondance. but at the saem time do not record phone calls as that is illegal and will discredit anything else you do.

Well...I went to your profile to get an idea about you. You've posted multiple threads on this same relationship.

Believe me, I've tried to dig down within myself to find some kind of sympathy for you. But all I can find is pity, and slight anger.

You are obviously placing the blame for your predicament on everyone else but yourself. What ever made you think, that you, as young as you are, with no job, as stated in your other threads, in school, were ready to play house and daddy. And what made you think it was a good idea to not tell your parents about all this.

You need to get into some counseling, your school has those resources for you. You need to find out what it is in you that can't see red flags, because your whole situation is chock full of them. Your level of maturity appears to be much lower than your supposed age, and circumstances.

From reading your other threads, it seems to me, you are attracted to chaos. Until you figure out what you are getting out of putting yourself into these types of situations....your life will never be calm, nor happy.

JMOHO...