Learning how to let go and move on, any tips?

Its been like 9 months since my ex dumped me and I was just wondering what could I possibly do to finally let go? I am sick of the nostalgia of everything and I know its happening because I am alone. I hate how my mind idealizes my ex gf and its pissing me off, its been 9 months and it just really needs to go away. Does anyone have any good tips on how I can finally learn to let it go and just move forward? I'm really bad when it came to relationships, and I guess its something for me to work on. I am not sure if I am ready to date again, I do not want to rush myself, although its been almost a year that my ex dumped me.

reply to post by Unvarnished


Hook-up with someone for a short time, to get the past out of your mind.
Go out with individuals to have fun, and if something more blossoms, so be it.
Don't go into a relationship hoping they are "the one." (That one was hardest for me to understand)
To paraphrase a few friends' advice: When you stop looking is when you will find it.

Sadly I cannot say more than that as I have no knowledge of the situation other than what little you have provided. But after my last break up and before my current relationship, all of the above plus the support from my friends/ family is what allowed me to get through it.
I also stay friends with my ex's, which helps, as they are still a (removed) part of your life.

reply to post by Unvarnished


Hey man, sorry to hear you are going through this. It's never easy.

In all honesty, if you want to move on and get through this, you really have to find a way to accomplish it on your own. You are the only one who knows everything about your personal relationship from your perspective.
In the past when this happened to me, I would try to explain the situation to a friend and ask for advice, but i'd always be left with the thought, "Oh, I see what you're saying but you don't know her as well as I do."
I needed to come to terms with it on my own, and sometimes try to not force her out of my mind when ever I randomly thought about her. She was popping in to my head for a reason and I should take notice of why.

But then again, that was the solution I needed to move past my experience. I'm confident you'll find your answers and closure soon. Best wishes

been in your exact position dude. and honestly the best thing to do is nothing. when the day comes that you move on, that's the day you will start being fine....Trying to forget will just make you remember.

reply to post by Unvarnished



What randomtangentsrme said

To paraphrase a few friends' advice: When you stop looking is when you will find it.

Is true...

I know from experience...

I always laughed at people when they told me that...

Until I found it to be fact...

Lemme tell you a little about "me"

I am horrible at relationships
too! And I've had many Horrible ones at that!!

I once dated a lesbian...
apparently we both had issues? haha
I was very heartbroken in the end...

I dated this one chick once up a...

And I was totally "In Love" with her...
When I was with her the world was AWESOME!
I worshiped the ground she walked on!

When I was away from her, I was sad, lonely, depressed...

I would day dream about her 24/7

When it ended... and THANK God it ended...

I was devastated... She had dropped a nuke in Ericland

I cried and I cried, I stopped eating and lost all kinds of weight

It took me a year to get over her...
Then 3 years later I go and do what would seem to be the most retarded thing I could possibly do...

I got into another relationship with her!!!!

This time around I didnt see her as the goddess...
In fact she made me sick at times...

One night while pondering
I was baffled at my new views on her...

How can I be so annoyed by her?
So disgusted by her every action?
This is the Girl I was CRAZY in love with...
The one I wanted to spend my life with...

I didnt realize it...
But the Time away from her was crucial...

I didnt date, I didnt do anything...
I was alone for 2 years...
No hook ups, no flirting with anyone... nothing...

I realized my love was valuable
I realized that someone had to earn that love from me...
They had to deserve it...
I wasnt going to let just anyone have it...
That the Girl I once "Loved So Much"
wasnt the girl I actually Loved...
She just so happened to be the first girl I dated longer than 3 months...
She had done nothing to deserve my love!

So I had lead myself to be misguided...

The relationship ended shortly after me realizing this...
Due to her cheating on me...

...Glad she did

Now thats when the Lesbian drama happened...

Needless to say even with I learned about relationships
I had not learned enough...


We both realized we were in the relationship for the wrong reason...

After that, I gave up...

I actually had a lot of women approach me during this time...

I had no interest in them.

I actually enjoyed my life, free of the chains of loneliness!

I was as lonely as one could be! But I was enjoying it!!

THEN out of no where this woman comes into my life

Changes my life 100%

Just when I can relax and have fun and not spend hours depressed cos I am single

She comes along!

but...

I realized I never knew love before her...

Now with her I knew what true love was, and it was nice!

Its been 3 years with her, married for a year and a half now...

and we're doing awesome!

But If I had met her 6 years ago...
The relationship wouldnt have lasted 3 months...

Cos I wasnt ready back then...

So... in order to get over someone, just enjoy your life

Forget about women, I dont mean turn Gay.
I mean realize what you have to offer is special...
dont let just anyone have it...

Hold out for one worthy...


I hope that made sense? In my mind it made perfect. lol
but then again I am getting a wee bit tired lol

ohhh and one big thing is to...

Dont go down memory lane with your ex...

If you and her used to _____ then dont do ______

Change things up... break from the routine you and her used to do...

make a new routine for a while

I wish ya luck dude!


EDIT:
It dont help that its the Holidays!
Those always suck.
I spent everyone of them up until three years ago alone...

You just gotta keep your spirits high!

for me it meant an occasional glass of spirits lol

One Day it will be different... You can Trust me on that!


Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays!

Originally posted by randomtangentsrme
reply to post by Unvarnished

 

Hook-up with someone for a short time, to get the past out of your mind.
Go out with individuals to have fun, and if something more blossoms, so be it.

I know it sounds weird, but...the above is true.

When my boyfriend left me for some other chick, I was devastated. After a month I finally decide to give this new guy a chance just to keep my mind off my ex. It's the only thing that worked. At least I wasn't crying like a baby for hours on end anymore. (It was so bad at a stage that couldn't hold myself together at work for even 5 min)

So, try it.

Nevertheless, I am now back with my ex and things are great. I am actually glad that what happened, happened otherwise I think things might have been worse if it happened later on in the relationship.
It's been 5 years after that now, and all is well.

You never know what could happen in the future- sometimes, things happen for a reason. Especially if you are young, you could actually benefit from a breakup like this.

Be happy.

reply to post by Unvarnished


If i was you I would spend most of my time around friends and family, they tend to remind us what love , friendship and laughter is all about. Also keep telling yourself things like..

- they dont love me so I shouldnt waste my thoughts on them
- what we had was good and I will have that again with someone else - someone better
- I will learn from this and move on

what im trying to say is dont waste your love..
you deserve someone to feel the same way. She is an Ex for a reason
I hope you can move on.

The reason I replied to this was because just under a year ago I left my bf of 3 years, he didnt treat me very nice, he wasn't abusive or anything he just didnt treat me like a friend never mind a girl friend , he would speak better and be cool around his mates then at home with me be silent and ignore me, also made me look like a bitch / didnt care how he spoke to me in front of people. basicly he lost all respect for me I did everything for him cooked, cleanned and had a full time job. now im not saying you did this, but I know for a fact he regretted everything and by then for me it was too late.. I already lost my love for him.. we dont even talk but deep down inside of me I really hope he can move on.. I have and am very happy, but I know he hasnt so this post remineded me of him a little.

so I guess I just wanted to say that ... I was with someone I loved very much for 3 years, 2 of which I was treated like # and I put up with it (because love can be blind).. it took me far far too long to "move on" instead I stayed with him slowly falling out of love.. dont make the same mistake and waste 2 years dwelling on someone that dosnt want to know or be with you.

I promise you now ,... you will look back at this 9 months and laugh.. because you WILL find someone who is right for you ..

I never thought I could love someone so much again but I found somone I love MORE.. because he treats me with so much respect and love. I hope you find your soul mate I really do.

If you ever need to vent I'm a good listener so il be happy to chat.

Take it easy.

Sleep with as many women as you can. use them, do not look for a relationship. find fulfillment through knowing you have so much choice,play your mind into thinking that you'r the last bit of insulin on the planet and all these fine bitches have diabetes and are just BEGGING for you.

Never limit your self and stop triking you'r mind into thinking she was the only person that could made you feel that way, because that is silly and further down the road, you will see how much she missed out on.

If that fails, join a swinging site and become a self made pimpkingdingaling

reply to post by n00bUK


FPMSL! agree with this dude haha

Originally posted by Unvarnished
Its been like 9 months since my ex dumped me and I was just wondering what could I possibly do to finally let go? I am sick of the nostalgia of everything and I know its happening because I am alone. I hate how my mind idealizes my ex gf and its pissing me off, its been 9 months and it just really needs to go away. Does anyone have any good tips on how I can finally learn to let it go and just move forward? I'm really bad when it came to relationships, and I guess its something for me to work on. I am not sure if I am ready to date again, I do not want to rush myself, although its been almost a year that my ex dumped me.

Hi Unvarnished,

I went through something similar a few years ago. I was crazy for that girl, but things happened and we broke up. I was left feeling empty and lost for two years. It's a horrible feeling and no way to live life.

Let me start by saying that you don't need anyone else to get over this. You just need that moment of clarity that gets everyone through any crisis in life. For me it was New Years Eve. I was out with a couple of friends, the bells rang and everyone cheered. Up until then I'd been devoted to simply missing this person. Then the spell broke. One of my oldest friends turned to me said......

"this is the year you get over xxxxx"

That one comment made me realise they were right. It didn't take months or even days. From that second I knew the longing and suffering were over.

As humans we've got unimaginable strength within us. I don't mean to sound all airy-fairy, but it really is true. My advice to you, spend the next couple of weeks remembering the good things in that relationship. Think about the fun you had, the experiences you shared and all the time know that that feeling is going soon.

I promise you, if you want it to happen, the moment those bells strike you'l be free.

I really hope this helps, I know what you're going through. Peace

reply to post by Unvarnished


You'll outgrow it ... eventually.

reply to post by Unvarnished





Some good advice from Thisbseth, EvolEric, and AnotherHumanBeing

You could also buy a puppy or a dog to lavish on it all that care and love you have to give,

and while walking them you will meet a whole set of new friends and aquaintences (dogs and

children are notorious in breaking down barriers especially between shy people)

They will repay your kindness and care 'a hundred fold' with love and loyalty.And finally as

Randomtangentsme said "When you stop looking is when you will find"

Have a merry christmas and 2012, well thats a whole NEW YEAR all the best!

reply to post by Unvarnished


Thank you so much for your kind replies and posts, it really got me thinking about which direction I would like to go in life. I know its only natural to go down memory lane but damn, it really can get the brain to work in mysterious ways. I realized my problem is that I idealize her way too much than I should and I guess that is where I need to press the brakes. Everyone's advice and insight has been very helpful and really true nonetheless. That has been my approach for these past months, is to just not look for anything. I am doing fine its just sometimes its just really hard to suppress the mind when it decides to go down memory lane. I know myself if I ever would get back with her again, I would be paranoid that she would leave me again, it really isn't worth it, I'd rather look for something new with someone else. I hope everyone has a very happy holidays with their loved ones.

You know sometimes when you start a new project and you make a list of all the pros and cons?

It might be an idea to write a list like that about your ex and why it would be a bad idea to get back together. It's important to list the good as well as the bad - you don't want to end up feeling bitter

But for each good thing you remembered you could add something to the con list - I don't know - did she have spots? any bad habits? any way she annoyed you? Any reason you can find that you'd rather be without her during a particular activity?

For instance, do you watch TV programmes that you enjoy but she would hate? Do you have more time to read or play games?

It may help you to get things a little more into perspective and perhaps appreciate the time you now have to yourself. You might find you end up with an amazingly long list of advantages to being without her: no more being kept awake when she snored? No more waiting for ages while she got ready to go out? No more cold feet on your back at night? No-one nicking your chips?

I know how you feel, I really do and it's just something you have to go through. I wonder if you could pinpoint the one thing it is about her - that just one thing - that makes her so special. Then weigh it up against the not-so-special stuff. Not to destroy your happy memories but to get her back to the status of ordinary human being, just like the rest of us.

An ordinary human being who seems not to have thought you were the right person for her. It's hard to accept when someone takes that decision for us, we think of a relationship as a two way street where both opinions matter. Then we find that our opinion makes no difference. Hard as it is, eventually we have to conclude that the other person was right or we'd still be together.

I think you'll be alright - you've identified what's bothering you. Not everyone can see how much they idealise the other person, so at least you know where to start sorting yourself out. Good luck.