The Down low

The down low

I have no understanding why men think its ok to have sex with a woman knowing they are having sex with a man. It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world of relationships to find out that your man was cheating on you with another man due to the fact that aids is out here, and that aids kills homosexuals faster than heterosexual men.

A woman whom I have known for a very long time told me today that she caught her husband in the shower with another man, and she has no idea what to do, she also has 3 kids with him and have been married for 7 years.

Little does she know 2 years ago I heard that her husband had sex with a person whom everybody knows has had HIV for over 2 years because they saw him break down at some clinic?

Me, my self, I never wanted to believe this, and I never go by rumors or here say, but now that she has told me this, do I tell her the rumor that was said? or do I just simply say…‘You need to get checked out’

Why are men on the down low about there homosexuality ,and what makes them think that they can have sex with both genders at the same time with no protection ,and even if they protect themselves, Why still do it!

What do I say to this woman, this is very akward for me!

Well from a gay man's perspective who grew up in a time where being gay was committing social suicide, here's my take.

If you were gay, but society told you it wasn't ok to be, and you struggled for years, decades even with these feelings. You end up settling for what people told you to, the wife, the kids the white picket fence etc..

At some point or another you are going to want to explore those feelings. This exact situation has happened to dozens of women I know because their husbands were gay, but were never given the opportunity to know who they were and how they felt.

It's unfortunate.

Now as for the moral implications. He should be using protection, he should be aware of his potential HIV, and he should have told his wife, prior to the cheating; that he wanted this for himself.

There's no reason to lie, keep secrets and potentially infect your wife, and mother of your children, with a deadly disease.

Just my two pence..

~Keeper

reply to post by LogiosHermes27

Take it one step at a time. She is surely crushed. Told you did she? She trusts you. I don't know if you see her every day, but you can call her and let her tell you what her plans are. You gotta figure that she wonders if she is infected. You can mention it to her and shrug. Like, "Are you going to check it out?" And shrug. That gives her a nod from you about what you would do. How you feel about it. Remain there for her to talk to you but let her tell you. Listen first. Both you guys are obviously friends and will be closer during this. Let her ask and then tell her what you would do. Careful not to over interfere. One_step_at_a_time.

reply to post by LogiosHermes27

What a sad story. I think it's another one of societies ills, not letting people be themselves and imposing one value on everyone. Gay is wrong, gay is dirty, gay is a crime, gay is a religious insult, etc. I won't tell you what to do, I think you know already. It will be a tough decision I think and I can see that telling her will not be easy should you choose that option.

I wish you much luck whatever path you decide and also to your female friend.

ETA I live in Holland which is supposedly a "tolerant" country. As I learned the hard way (related to a subject we are not allowed to discuss here), there is one huge difference between tolerance and acceptance. They have a huge Gay Pride festival every year, but 2 men walking down the street holding hands can often expect to be the recipient of physical violence. Sad but true.

If you are a real friend, you will tell her what you know as well as urge her to get tested. I had a friend whos husband turned out to be gay. She was truly devestated, but is now remarried and has never been happier.

reply to post by Night Star


I completely agree with you. Staying married to a gay man means that monogamy is not possible.
i imagine it would be better to let him go live his life, so she can find a straight guy for a husband.

I would admire a woman - - that came to terms with it - - and helped her husband (and herself) work through it.

Sex is really such a small part of a committed loving relationship.

Should one really just ignore all the other aspects of a relationship?

Society really is to blame - - not the adult that can no longer deny or ignore their birthright.

This is a horrible story, and yet more common then people think. I know all sorts of people and I have been a confidant to many. Though this is not discussed there is a "hidden" person within most of us, that has a need to get out.

With the internet, and more people willing to be themselves, yet hidden, this has become the norm in the lives of many. Parents are forced to remain together yet unhappy for the sake of the family, and those that have decided to leave have been ridiculed for doing so, especially if they are happier then before.

There is a line of happiness that can be found whether it is with someone the same as you, or different, people just haven't found the middle ground in which to be happy, and not scared.

I wish your friend the best, and besides advice it always good to be a listener in this situation, as this may be a long sought out battle, which in some cases no one wins.

Peace, NRE.

Originally posted by LogiosHermes27

Little does she know 2 years ago I heard that her husband had sex with a person whom everybody knows has had HIV for over 2 years because they saw him break down at some clinic?

Years ago, I had "friends" that knew she was cheating on me, but did not say anything at all until after she was sent out the door. In order to justify it to themselves within their own minds, they didn't wanna tell me because they thought it would be painful for me.

[color=DAFFD6]In reality, since they kept those details from me, they weren't actually as good of friends as I had thought they were. Neither are you.

Me, my self, I never wanted to believe this, I never go by rumors or here say, .....

This is the first time that you have ever repeated this rumor?

It is possible that this is the first time you have repeated it, but not very likely.

All you have to do is put yourself in the other persons shoes. Wouldn't you want to know what's going on, rather than find out later that your supposed 'friend' kept the truth from you?

reply to post by LogiosHermes27


So this woman catches her husband doing it with another man, and she is still with him? LOL

Advise her to get tested and dump the guy.

I mean this is not complicated to figure out what to do.

reply to post by tothetenthpower

Thanks for your reply,it was hard to explain things to her,we had a good talk being though shes in the hospital and such.i have been with her for the last 2 days comforting her,and making sure her kids are ok.thanks for your honesty.

reply to post by intrptr

i cant even look her in the face...its hard to even listen to her at this point,i just dont understand.

reply to post by LightSpeedDriver

TextWhat a sad story

i feel like its my faulght,im at the point in my life in which it seems every body depends on me, and i just cpmpletly let them down.

You want to really know whats sad!

She tried to kill her self that same day.

You want to really know whats sad?????

2 months after she met him,she had introduced me to him, and at that very moment i remembered i had a dream about him.

About 4 months after we met, i saw her at the store, and i said...you know what... ive been meaning to tell you this'
i could of sworn i had a dream about your new friend.

she said>... really!

i said> yes

i had a dream he was over the' Rock Creek Bridge', and that he jumped off the bridge...i have no idea why i dreamt that.

she replied>>>maybe hes going to kill his self in the future

My Replie was>>>>,i dont know... i have no idea...but its funny.

'Inside my head' i was thinking',why am i dreaming about another man...Period!

I freaking learned today that my dream meant 'it might be suicide to mess with a person whom you dreamt are killing them selves.

So if you ever dream about some one killing them selves,it might be they are going to kill you or it might be harmful to deal with that individual.

after she tried to kill her self they admitted her to the doctor and did test on her.As i was riding up the elevator i was standing next to 2 woman and they was talking about the next person they was going to see dealing and living with hiv.

They moved her room to another location...so i had to go back to the service desk and ask what room is she in...by the time i got to the room the ladies in the elavator was already in the room,i didnt go in the room or even knock onthe door but i could see her in the room through the glass window crying and having a complete break down.

as i walked out the door with tears in my eyes,i noticed that the sign on top of the wall said 'infectious desiese'
now i see why they moved her room ,now i see why i had that dream,and now i see why

im just done With life at this moment...i really am!

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Originally posted by LogiosHermes27
reply to post by intrptr

 

i cant even look her in the face...its hard to even listen to her at this point,i just dont understand.

Yah you do. Let her get tested first before blurting out you think the man has HIV. That might scare her off. She trusts you. Don't ignore her. Just be there when she wants to talk. You don't have to look her in the eye. Try telling her how you feel about it.

reply to post by LogiosHermes27

Aww, please be strong and keep your chin up! I know it's hard getting caught up in someone else's problems. That sounds like a serious case of deja-vu too! At the end of the day it is most definitely not your fault. Do what you can, help where possible but please, please do not blame yourself for the actions of another. I imagine she has some serious hurt to work through and at times like that, a person could do with a friend I think.

Put differently, regret nothing. If you think you did wrong, take steps to address that and go forward with a clean conscience. Life is a learning process. It's cold, hard and sometimes unfeeling but beating yourself up for the actions of another is not the way to go imho. I wish you much strength.


ETA Just read a previous post of yours. You are helping, more you cannot do. Thanks!

reply to post by LightSpeedDriver

Thanks 'light speed' i really needed the pureness of your heart on this thread,its tuff.

reply to post by LogiosHermes27

You are more than welcome. If you need a shoulder to cry on (albeit virtual), you know where to find me. I only do sarcasm for conspiracies. Human problems are a different thing altogether and I know how tough things can get.

Peace

ETA Someone on another thread called me brutally honest. I took it as a compliment, as I do your comments. Thank you. I don't get them much.