Mother Earth (Poem)

Even though it’s Christmas, it has snowed, I’ve delivered cards, presents & put up a tree things still do not feel right for me.
It’s not just that though it is the state of this world, people are starving, dying, homeless and children are abused.
I am not sad on the outside but I am on the in as each day that passes I understand more that we are living in sin..
We waste clean water, food, energy and commodity’s each day & seem to be stuck in a materialistic, reputation focused way.
Each night I try to give such things thought yet I complain I am in pain but at least I can still walk & have most of my faculties, I can see, hear, taste & talk.
I see lights from my window left on 24 hours a day but when our resources run out those people will be the first to complain.
I see kids outside the shop throwing money away, not even realizing that in some parts of this world that money would be a ten year olds full days pay.
The factory down the road is forever billowing smoke making our mother earth cough, wheeze & choke but still our governments think global warming’s a joke.
The powers that be are two faced and unkind they have no love or compassion for their fellow brothers and sisters of mankind.
Eating when we want & as much as we please is so precious but it is something most do not see, only caring for possessions that they seek.
Animals drove to the brink of extinction, some die out each day but still we continue waste, destroy, hunting them with hate.
This world in which we live has been raped, abused, used & at the end of the day it us humans who will finally lose.
Mother earth in the end will wipe herself clean getting rid of the majority of people who have littered her & treated her mean.
Then we are the ones to loose, all will be gone, hardly any planet will be left for our human race to survive on.
This day may be close, these may be the end or start of new times, so as I end this poem I must urge you to take a look at your life...

reply to post by theguygeeza


Star for you for putting this out there, it's personal and emotional, but this poem needs editing.

You have a nice rhyme scheme which in some cases is internal and some based in couplets, but the format doesn't flow well.

I write poetry, and have had good success at it, but am not a professional poet. It's one thing to read this out loud, and it does work well (with some editing as a performance piece), and another to see it in print.

You can shorten this poem a lot, by choosing words carefully. It won't ruin your rhyme. But the essence of a good poem is certainly there.

reply to post by tsawyer2
Thank you for the constructive criticism & words of advice from somebody whom writes too. I shall edit it and you are right it is possible to shorten it giving me the chance of maybe being able to recall it from memory for light entertainment or as an example of what I think of the world today.

I appreciate the advice, thank you for taking time out to read it as well.

Best wishes ''

Originally posted by theguygeeza
reply to post by tsawyer2

 

Thank you for the constructive criticism & words of advice from somebody whom writes too. I shall edit it and you are right it is possible to shorten it giving me the chance of maybe being able to recall it from memory for light entertainment or as an example of what I think of the world today.

I appreciate the advice, thank you for taking time out to read it as well.

Best wishes '

'

You are welcome. I know my advice was unsolicited, but I figure if you put it out there for everyone to see, it invites a response. You obviously have alot of talent and I would enjoy seeing more of your work. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't have said anything and moved on to the next post. ;-)

reply to post by tsawyer2

In have attempted to edit this poem, I have been ill though, maybe this is a little better ?

Even though it’s Christmas, it has snowed, I delivered cards, presents & put up a tree things do not feel right to me.
It’s the state of this world…people are starving, dying, homeless and innocent children are sexually & violently abused.
I am not sad on the outside yet I am on the in as each day that passes I understand more that we live in sin.
Wasting clean water, food, energy…commodity’s each day, stuck in a materialistic, reputation focused way.
At night I give things thought, I complain but at least I can walk, having my faculties, I can see, hear, taste & talk.
I see lights from my window left on 24 hours a day yet when our resources run out those people will be the first to complain.
I see kids outside the shops throwing money away, not realizing in this world that money is a ten year olds full days pay.
Factories are forever billowing smoke, making mother earth cough, wheeze, choke…governments thinking it’s a joke.
The powers that be…two faced, unkind have no love or compassion for their fellow brothers & sisters of mankind.
Eating when we want, as much as we please is so precious yet it is something most do not see, only caring for possessions they seek.
Animals drove to the brink of extinction, some die out each day…still we continue to waste, destroying & hunting them with hate.
This world in which we live has been raped, abused, used…at the end of the day it us humans who will finally lose.
Mother earth in the end will wipe herself clean getting rid of the majority of people who have littered her & treated her mean.
Then we will be the ones to loose, all will be gone, hardly any planet will be left for our race to survive on !
This day may be close, these may be the end or start of new times, as I end this poem I urge you, take a look at your life...

reply to post by theguygeeza


Much better! It's much easier to read and follow the flow and rhyme scheme of the poem in this version. :-)

I wanted you to know you inspired me to post one of my poems as well on the same type of theme:

www.abovetopsecret.com...