Wanting a relationship with an ex-girlfriend

I need some advice and wisdom.

We were a good match, full of love and life with similar interests and ambitions and for many months it was all good.

The last words I ever said to to her were 'whatever you decide I will stand by it' Thus she ended our relationship.

That was about 4 or 5 years ago.

I dont know why but a pattern of psychological abuse on my part began to infect the relationship a week before we parted ways even though I cared deeply for her. My mistake was that I never told her I was sorry.

But now I wish to get in contact with her once more but I am afraid for some reason. About a month after we split up I made a phone call to her wanting to explain my regrets but she hung up as soon as she heard my voice.

My ex is still single as far as I know and is in her second year of uni, I realise she has a whole new life that I have no part of but I still have some love for her and wish to be part of her life again but I dont know how to do it. I dont know if she still hates or couldnt care less one way or the other.

I am afraid if I try to get in touch with her she will just shut me out. I know I made a vow to her to never see her again and ive kept that promise so far.

?What should I do.

VOW TO NEVER SEE HER AGAIN??LOLOLO THAT'S GARBAGE DOOD

and WHAT i mean of course is, if you want her, get her. On the condition that she wants you too. "run into her" by "accident" , make small talk, remember you're in the "friend zone" and you want to be there, for now. so act friendly and recommend a casual get together for random chit chat. if she agrees, YOU'RE IN , TROJAN HORSE IS GOOD TO GO AND YOU CAN PLOT YOUR STRATEGY TO GET HER BACK. If she rejects the casual get together, you have failed. move on.

Originally posted by Tindalos2013
I need some advice and wisdom.

We were a good match, full of love and life with similar interests and ambitions and for many months it was all good.

The last words I ever said to to her were 'whatever you decide I will stand by it' Thus she ended our relationship.

That was about 4 or 5 years ago.

I dont know why but a pattern of psychological abuse on my part began to infect the relationship a week before we parted ways even though I cared deeply for her. My mistake was that I never told her I was sorry.

But now I wish to get in contact with her once more but I am afraid for some reason. About a month after we split up I made a phone call to her wanting to explain my regrets but she hung up as soon as she heard my voice.

My ex is still single as far as I know and is in her second year of uni, I realise she has a whole new life that I have no part of but I still have some love for her and wish to be part of her life again but I dont know how to do it. I dont know if she still hates or couldnt care less one way or the other.

I am afraid if I try to get in touch with her she will just shut me out. I know I made a vow to her to never see her again and ive kept that promise so far.

?What should I do.

Wow

How heartfelt! As a woman who had left my significant other many times (we've been together for almost 20 years now and still not married) I sympathize with you. BUT....you can not expect her to just reach out to your nor accept you at this phase in your lives. I guess, at this point it doesn't really matter why you never apologized, however, if you do apologize, you may feel some wellness or maybe a beginning to an end or possibly the opposite....the end to a beginning.

You are the only one who can "know" what happened and make an attempt to correct any wrong doings on your part. You can not However, make up for her unforgiving attitude if that's the case.

I would start there....i hope this helps

ETA:
I hope for your sake, you evaluate what caused your psychological abuse and make sure that pattern or era in your life stops or ceases to exist through your own understanding of yourself.

There is no greater understanding than to know thyself

I can relate I just found my first love from high school (20yrs ago)on face book. I left for the army with out a good bye or ever contacting her again (I know low) but I figured it was best for her if she didnt have to worry about me and now Im in the same boat as you. I know she has moved on with her life her facebook pic is of her and her daughter. I dont know either should I stay out of her life and not disrupt it and just wonder or try to make contact and let the chips fall where they may.

How heartfelt! As a woman who had left my significant other many times (we've been together for almost 20 years now and still not married) I sympathize with you. BUT....you can not expect her to just reach out to your nor accept you at this phase in your lives. I guess, at this point it doesn't really matter why you never apologized, however, if you do apologize, you may feel some wellness or maybe a beginning to an end or possibly the opposite....the end to a beginning.

You are the only one who can "know" what happened and make an attempt to correct any wrong doings on your part. You can not However, make up for her unforgiving attitude if that's the case.

I would start there....i hope this helps

ma'am...your man must be a ##snipped## WIZARDDDD....I KNOW CUZ I AM TOO..

LET ME GUESS. you guys break up all the time then he texts you he loves you and will never do it again ?
LOLOLOL...ahhhh..you feed right off his hands don't you.. lawl

reply to post by Tindalos2013

I had the same experience as you about 12 years ago.
I believe you will do what you really want to do regardless of what others will tell you here.
My lessons, I learned myself, the hard way.
My only advice to you is what I would say to me if i could go back and change things, I wasted years of my life, and missed some great opportunities yearning for a girl that didn't feel the same way as I did, my advice to you is: get on with your life, be happy, you'll find somebody else.
Best of luck.

Originally posted by wlord
VOW TO NEVER SEE HER AGAIN??LOLOLO THAT'S GARBAGE DOOD

and WHAT i mean of course is, if you want her, get her. On the condition that she wants you too. "run into her" by "accident" , make small talk, remember you're in the "friend zone" and you want to be there, for now. so act friendly and recommend a casual get together for random chit chat. if she agrees, YOU'RE IN , TROJAN HORSE IS GOOD TO GO AND YOU CAN PLOT YOUR STRATEGY TO GET HER BACK. If she rejects the casual get together, you have failed. move on.

This sounds like the safe thing to do. I will give it some consideration. Thankyou.

Originally posted by wlord
VOW TO NEVER SEE HER AGAIN??LOLOLO THAT'S GARBAGE DOOD

and WHAT i mean of course is, if you want her, get her. On the condition that she wants you too. "run into her" by "accident" , make small talk, remember you're in the "friend zone" and you want to be there, for now. so act friendly and recommend a casual get together for random chit chat. if she agrees, YOU'RE IN , TROJAN HORSE IS GOOD TO GO AND YOU CAN PLOT YOUR STRATEGY TO GET HER BACK. If she rejects the casual get together, you have failed. move on.

I understand where you're coming from with the Trojan Horse theory, but that will never work. This man has to understand what he wants, who he is and where he's going. If this woman can not and/or will not reciprocate...guess what good riddance! But, he has to know who he is and what he wants....first and foremost. If he does nott get her back, then he will at least know where he stands and who he his a human being. Which is more important IMO than any gimmick or line anyone could pass.

reply to post by Tindalos2013

I dont know why but a pattern of psychological abuse on my part began to infect the relationship a week before we parted ways even though I cared deeply for her. My mistake was that I never told her I was sorry.

I'm trying to place myself into your ex-gf's shoes..you haven't given us much to go on other than the above telling statement. The thing with psychological abuse is it makes the person feel very smothered, trapped and isolated and to break it down further..it's a form of bullying. I suspect without you realizing it that this pattern of abuse went on the entire time..just in a more subtle form. As the relationship neared the end..which may have went unspoken but you both knew it was coming..you intensified the abuse and drove in the final stake into the heart of the relationship..perhaps a last ditch effort to bully her into staying.

She understood what you did...sorry is meaningless when you have taken away another person's self esteem and self respect and made them feel less then worthy of anything good. I'm not trying to be mean or rude..these are my observations based on your statement.

You asked a question..how to get her back..my suggestion is..it's time to move forward..leave her alone, she understood what you did and how you did it..and probably even more so now as time has passed, it's good to see you have more of an understanding and are willing to admit you caused another person you loved harm. The truth and owning it sets you free to not repeat it..I wish you well..and many more happy relationships..Cheers Coco

Originally posted by wlord

How heartfelt! As a woman who had left my significant other many times (we've been together for almost 20 years now and still not married) I sympathize with you. BUT....you can not expect her to just reach out to your nor accept you at this phase in your lives. I guess, at this point it doesn't really matter why you never apologized, however, if you do apologize, you may feel some wellness or maybe a beginning to an end or possibly the opposite....the end to a beginning.

You are the only one who can "know" what happened and make an attempt to correct any wrong doings on your part. You can not However, make up for her unforgiving attitude if that's the case.

I would start there....i hope this helps

ma'am...your man must be a FKN WIZARDDDD....I KNOW CUZ I AM TOO..

LET ME GUESS. you guys break up all the time then he texts you he loves you and will never do it again ?
LOLOLOL...ahhhh..you feed right off his hands don't you.. lawl

edit on 4-12-2011 by wlord because: (no reason given)

As a matter of fact, you could not be more incorrect in your assertion. I do however appreciate the time given to comprehend. We went thru thick and thin....thin and thick. This is a man who had all the riches as a childhood actor when I met him (20 years ago) yet he was robbed of everything, by everyone but me. I did not know him when he had all this "money". I knew him when he had nothing, yet I loved him anyway (as many did not) as I do to this very day!

He took it out on me although I didn't even know him when he had all this money. I stuck by his side, but would not put up with his womanizing behaviors. So, I left... again and again and again. I'm not your average woman. After 20 years and 2 children later, we have agreed to disagree peacefully on everything.

This man is by no means "whimpy" or "soft" and not many could stand up to him, but I did and that's why we have a love that will endure all time and space. I love him for who he is and he needed to understand that, because before as an adolescent all he knew was getting his way....and I wasn't having it.

It takes to too Tango my dear! Thank you for being respectful. Be back soon!

reply to post by ThePublicEnemyNo1

I hope for your sake, you evaluate what caused your psychological abuse and make sure that pattern or era in your life stops or ceases to exist through your own understanding of yourself.

I have had five years to evaluate the root cause and sort my head out. I feel ready to get back into a committed relationship with her if she can bring herself to trust me again. Thats the key point I think.

Originally posted by itscocobaby
reply to post by Tindalos2013

 

I dont know why but a pattern of psychological abuse on my part began to infect the relationship a week before we parted ways even though I cared deeply for her. My mistake was that I never told her I was sorry.

I'm trying to place myself into your ex-gf's shoes..you haven't given us much to go on other than the above telling statement. The thing with psychological abuse is it makes the person feel very smothered, trapped and isolated and to break it down further..it's a form of bullying. I suspect without you realizing it that this pattern of abuse went on the entire time..just in a more subtle form. As the relationship neared the end..which may have went unspoken but you both knew it was coming..you intensified the abuse and drove in the final stake into the heart of the relationship..perhaps a last ditch effort to bully her into staying.

She understood what you did...sorry is meaningless when you have taken away another person's self esteem and self respect and made them feel less then worthy of anything good. I'm not trying to be mean or rude..these are my observations based on your statement.

You asked a question..how to get her back..my suggestion is..it's time to move forward..leave her alone, she understood what you did and how you did it..and probably even more so now as time has passed, it's good to see you have more of an understanding and are willing to admit you caused another person you loved harm. The truth and owning it sets you free to not repeat it..I wish you well..and many more happy relationships..Cheers Coco

The abuse was never about forcing her to stay with me, it was general bad attitude of treating her as if i didnt love her enough. I never bad mouthed or bitched to her or put her down but it was something that I didnt realise until it was too late. Wait that is a lie, I knew I was emotionly hurting her but I kept pushing her away. I still can remember her crying herself to sleep that last night we slept together, facing away from each other.
The crazy thing was it was on the same day (before we broke up) that I was assulted by two blokes trying to rob me, and got one of my ribs cracked but thats a moot point.

reply to post by Tindalos2013

Wait that is a lie, I knew I was emotionly hurting her but I kept pushing her away. I still can remember her crying herself to sleep that last night we slept together, facing away from each other.

The thing with psychological abuse is it makes the person feel very smothered, trapped and isolated and to break it down further..it's a form of bullying

So to be more specific then..you beat her down with a general bad attitude and treating her as if you didn't love her enough..why do people treat each other this way is the question ?..simply put..using this tactic makes your partner run harder to gain your affection, they are trying to reach out to you and you are withdrawing making them run and run and run, yet the end is never in sight.....you admit you knew you were doing it..so most likely as I stated before this had probably been going on for some time in some form or another through out the relationship, abuse never just pops up suddenly..this is a learned form of manipulation. You felt empowered by doing this to her...I suggest some therapy to gain a better understanding of yourself.

I spent quite a few years in Therapy..and it helped me overcome and understand myself on a whole new level.

Originally posted by Samuelis
post removed by staff

I destroyed all photos I had of her and I would not stoop to such low tricks anyway.

reply to post by Tindalos2013


I just want to add Tindalos I am not trying to be harsh..I'm just trying to be as honest as you are..I do wish you well and you want to be in the best shape possible for your next relationship, do whatever you need to do to improve yourself and the better you are..the better the partner you attract. Cheers Coco

Originally posted by itscocobaby
reply to post by Tindalos2013

 

I just want to add Tindalos I am not trying to be harsh..I'm just trying to be as honest as you are..I do wish you well and you want to be in the best shape possible for your next relationship, do whatever you need to do to improve yourself and the better you are..the better the partner you attract. Cheers Coco

I thankyou most of all for your advice, being the most helpful.

reply to post by Tindalos2013


Take care friend..Coco

Well, you aren't going to get anywhere if you don't try to get into contact. At least if you try you will no where you stand. Good luck!

Okeydokey, here's the deal. You were a meanie because breaking up sucks, especially if its not what you wanted. The most painful emotions come from rejection, exclusion, and loss. There's a necessary balance, though, that you can work with. As long as you push, she'll pull (away). Try sending a short email with a dumb reason to contact her, or even a "hey, sorry for calling recently, just wanted to say hi, I know I was a jerk when we ended it, I wanted to say im sorry for that. anyway, I hope youre doing well. Take care."
Its gotta be short and sweet, kinda matter of fact. Itll give her the space to see you as a friend, thats where its gotta start, or end, either way.
Soooo... Good Luck!!

ps- coco gives good advice
Take Care!