To call social services or not to call social services?

I'm sure I'll get a bunch of lovely responses (sarcasm) stating that I'm just a crazy ex wife. But hear me out.

My ex husband and I divorced 3 years ago. We had a very uneventful divorce. We split EVERYTHING and neither of us pays the other support. Custody of our daughter is 50/50.
About 2 years ago, he started seriously dating a woman who was heavily into substance abuse. I'm trying to stay within the terms and conditions of the site. I hope I don't violate anything. Psychedelic substance abuse to be exact. So he started up as well. We have had conversations about it off and on. At first, I didn't mind AS much because he said he only did it when our daughter wasn't around and said it was a good way for him to relieve stress. He also started smoking ummm well the other thing we aren't allowed to discuss on here. Again, all fine because he was being responsible about everything.
Over the past year, I've noticed really huge personality changes with him. He has almost no short term memory. When I pick our daughter up, his house reeks! It smells of "smoke" and garbage. Out daughter has come home with staph infections on 3 separate occasions and my ex had a nasty one as well. He is suddenly against modern medicine. While I can be to an extent, my child's life is more important than NOT using antibiotics or not seeking urgent care when needed. I'm more against big pharma. Anyway. I'm starting to worry that maybe he is abusing substances while my daughter is there. She never wants to go over there anymore and cries and cries every weekend when the day is coming closer. She hides behind me. They go inside and I have no idea what it's like in there. He drops her off and she is a filthy mess. Every three weeks or so, he drops her off and she is sick with something. Yes, I know kids get sick. I have 2 older children who were sick all the time at that age. But it's something like strep, stomach bugs, the staph which I mentioned, pink eye. Not just a normal cold. Something that usually requires antibiotics of some sort. Except for the stomach bugs of course.
He says he won't bathe her because it's bad for her skin. And over-using soaps is causing MRSA. Which I already know. But there IS a balance. Even if it's just plain old water.
I'm getting off track. My MAJOR concern is the drug use. What are the long term effects of psychedelic substance abuse?
Kids grow up in dirty houses all the time and turn out ok. While it bothers me, that's not the end of the world.
But is the substance abuse something I need to contact social services about? I REALLY don't want to have to go that route. His family is wonderful (although all his siblings are addicted to something) and he WANTS to be in his kids life. Plus, he would know it was me. The dr said if she has one more staph infection that social svcs would be contacted. I threatened him with that. So... there is no anonymity if I call.

I would. She is too young to be dragged down to his hell.

EDIT:Had to go over your post again.
Not really any stats that say anything bad about long term psychedelic use, unless that person is predisposed to schizophrenia or psychosis.

reply to post by aeriess


Personally I wouldn't call social services it may cause problems In the future. But it would definitly be the end of her visits.

Your child is the most important thing and If something is not good for her it has to stop.

I have partial custody of my daughter as well.

If this were the situation at her mother's house I would be calling CWS. If what you are saying is true, you are complicit by allowing your daughter to be there unsupervised. I'm sorry, but this is truth.

Perhaps supervised visitation would be best until he gets his life in order?

WITH ME! I've already hinted that it's fine if she spends more time with me. I wouldn't seek child support (and I totally wouldn't! Her safety and well-being is my #1 concern. Money is NOT) nor would I mess with the court paperwork. She would simply just be with me. Maybe she could just go over there on weekends. Not the one week on/one week off schedule we have. But he won't go for it.

reply to post by aeriess


Call your lawyer and revisit the custody arrangements. Get your advice from an attorney on something this important, not on the internet.

reply to post by TinkerHaus


I agree. I just hear so many stories where they don't listen to women or people in general. As if I'm being vengeful towards him or something. Ugh. I would just feel like a complete moron if they did a welfare check and everything seemed "normal". Would they make him take a drug test?

reply to post by Blaine91555


We didn't use a lawyer back then because everything was fine. We walked in together and filed and walked out together. And thank you for your concern, but I am just opinion gathering. On a site with as many members as there are on here, there has to be someone who's been in a similar situation. I can also get non-biased opinions on things on here.

Originally posted by aeriess
reply to post by TinkerHaus

 

I agree. I just hear so many stories where they don't listen to women or people in general. As if I'm being vengeful towards him or something. Ugh. I would just feel like a complete moron if they did a welfare check and everything seemed "normal". Would they make him take a drug test?

I don't know if they would or not.

How old is your daughter? Exposure to drug use at an early age definitely encourages the same activities when the person gets older. Even when kids don't really understand what is actually going on they sense that something is wrong, that Dad or whoever is doing something bad.

I'm not sure how they would handle it. Someone above recommended consulting your lawyer, and I agree 100%. The possibilities are really dictated by your state and local laws - so no one here can offer advise as sound as that you would get from a lawyer licensed in your state.

Consult a lawyer immediately. If you don't want to do this, then:

You should call social services, if for no other reason, than to cover your own tail. The doctor's threat applies here, and social services could come after you for suspecting something but not calling.

I'd rather your child lose a father for a while than be put into foster care. I think it's best if you go ahead and make that call.

reply to post by aeriess


If you know your ex won't hurt the kid, I would be more worried about the girlfriend. I had this problem with my ex. My ex "smoked" and other things but I had no problem with that as I knew she would never hurt our child. The problem i had was the new partner, which I know a bit about and have spent time with, but still a stranger also "smoked" and used "other stuff". I explained this to my ex and thankfully she understood my concerns and instead of our kid going to their house, my ex stays on her own with our kid at my house, while I stay at a motel/ friends/where ever. This is a big hassle for me but worth it.

If you don't do it now, she's going to end up psychotic.

Zero tolerance policy, when a child is involved. If it were me, she would no longer be allowed to see him at his house and/or without me present. If he were to object, the only option available to him is that he complete a rehab program and then work his way up to the trust needed to take care of and raise his child safely. Then again, it's my opinion that the well being of the child should come first, that's obviously not the case with all parents.

I would talk to an attorney as soon as possible.
Tell them everything you know, this is to protect
your daughter and you. If you don't report this
to an attorney and something happens
it could come back on you.

reply to post by aeriess


You are giving yourself bad advice.

reply to post by aeriess


Of course you should take actions to protect your child it's your resposibility. I wouldn't knowingly expose my son to any situation that would put him at risk of contracting a disease or that may cause serious injury. I think you should have a talk with your ex and express your concerns. If things don't change then you need to take whatever steps are necessary to protect your child.

If you are asking than you should call....if it's a nonsense situation it will get screened out...and seriously this is not the place to be asking these types of questions...that's what social services is for regardless how much they suck at times..

reply to post by chrismarco


Having gone through this with my wife's ex, he is a drug user, drunk pedophile....Take this for what it is, advice from someone that has traveled down this road.

First, do not call social services unless there is an immediate risk of life or limb. They are not there to take a side and will be more harm than good. My wife's ex received a completely clean bill and they started looking at her because he claimed she had mental issues.....was used in the divorce. You are divorced, use the legal system, there is no immediate risk, so plan before you execute.

Second, like others have said, get advice from a GOOD attorney, not just cheap or convenient.

Third, Get evidence before you act....Don't rock the boat, don't let him know there is an issue on your side until you are ready to present it.

Fourth, Keep a log of everything you see, hear or witness.

reply to post by aeriess


I'm in a similar situation and I'll tell you what I decided to do.

A friend of mine just disappeared off the face of the earth. I went to her place of work, and learned that she had lost her job.

A mutual friend informed me that she was back on a very addictive street drug. This would be her second round with that- having gone through rehab about two years before-- and it took her almost a year to get clean.

She has a sixteen year old son who lives with her.

She moved recently and I do not know where she lives, her phone is off and she certainly no longer has the luxury of Internet access.

I will continue to ask after her until I find her. But then what?

I looked at the options available to me:

I will not call the police, because no matter any given officer's intent, she will go to jail and the child will be thrown into the Foster Care system. That is a "cure" worse than the disease.

I will probably call the local Mental Health facility and ask them for advice-- but also to ask that they do a "wellness check."

I did this for another friend a few years ago who was suicidal with great results. They sent two people out in a car to his home. He answered, and they told him a friend was worried and asked for help-- they did tell him I had called, by name-- which I said was fine. They set him up with a therapist, and made the appointments for him. No police were involved, and he got better quickly.

I fear your problem will be credibility. Being the ex-wife, the immediate suspicion is one of a custody battle, and once that suspicion enters, then any sincere concern is taken as something else. The flip side of that is also a concern. Being the ex-wife, some female social workers will seek to insure that the father will have no custody and simply call the police to have him locked up.

As is usually the case, the ex-spouse is the last person on Earth who can really help. A mutual friend probably needs to take point on this.

Pointr97 and Frira, thank you! Just getting opinions and hoping to find people who have dealt with something similar. The difficult part is... it seems he very much has his life together from the outside. Good job, good family and friends. The situation could be so much worse. He's a closet addict and it's quite sad actually. I wish there was a way to avoid the custody junk and just get him the help he needs. He was a wonderful father. And isn't a terrible one now. But ANYTHING can happen when drugs are involved. And kids are curious creatures! Different scenarios run through my head every time I have to leave her.
I'm thinking an attorney at this point. Which is what I thought all along. Once social services gets involved, they never seem to go away. They might do more harm than good. I just want him to get clean.