(F&R) Soulsurfer

This short story took me quite a few hours to put together. A request I would like to make is. If you can give opinions either on grammar or anything. It would be greatly appreciated. In this Short story, I hope I made the flash backs clear along with hidden philosophy's to unlock.
Thanks
-RisenAngel77

Soulsurfer

“Why I ride the waves?

Do you really have to ask?...”


A lone surfer quietly gazes across the horizon. Looking for an entry point where he would make his way to the locals who were about seventy feet inside the ocean. Feeling the breeze on his face, he closes his eyes for a moment and takes a whiff of the oceans salty yet pleasant aroma while the seagull’s overhead dove into the water for their early meal.

David Scott’s mind wandered towards the events of his past.

Two months before, he stood inside of the doctor’s office. Anxiously, he awaited the results of a physical exam and a blood test. The doctor came in through a decorated green door, avoiding eye contact at first which made David extremely nervous. After a brief pause, the doctor requested him to sit. David observed the doctors lips move after closing his file.

"I am sorry to tell you this---".

Time halted and all sound faded at that moment. He did not need to hear the rest of the words. The mistakes he made with his own life, has now finally caught up to him like a karmic wave. Years of smoking and drinking alcohol was the result from the poisonous world ruled by corporatocracy.

That night he walks into a bar on a rainy shivering night. Taking off his jacket, he hangs it on a nearby coat hanger while making his way to a three foot stool where he orders a Martini on the rocks.

The bartender, whom previously was shining a wine glass, carefully placed it upside down near the cash register and began serving the drink.

"May I have a tab?" he said.

Nodding, the bartender scribbled unto a note pad he had taken out from inside the cash register shortly after the request. He paused briefly and stared at the man sitting in front of him and raised his left brow.

"Make it to David." said the man, now pursing his lips upon the smooth rim of the glass and taking a sip before carefully placing the glass back unto the top of the glass-mad counter.

After placing the notepad back inside the cash register, the bartender dried the counter from the droplets from the earlier serve. A couple minutes went by when the bartender noticed the man's expressionless face. Now gazing at the man, he walked closer to him.

""What brings you here on a night like this?" asked the bartender, "Trouble at home?"

David looked back at the bartender and chuckled.

"I make it that obvious huh?" he said.

The bartender smiled.

"I have been working here for many years, I have seen many types of expressions." said the bartender, "Yours usually carry a story behind them."

A brief silence fell as the background music stopped. An old man snoozed in the nearby corner, dressed in a suit and wearing his cowboy hat slightly tilted back.

"People don't know the meaning of love." said David as he paused to take another sip of his Martini.

The bartender grabbed a chair and sat across the counter.

"Oh?" he said, "What makes you say that?"

David let out a sigh and took another sip from his now half-filled glass. His weary eyes quietly gazed upon the bartender.

"This world is so godless, it's depressing." he said, "Even this world is depressed, think about it, her children acts like leaches slowly sucking the life out of her, her only close companion is the dead moon, and her other companion scorches her body from far away."

"I see," said the bartender, “Why not take the night and think things through instead of drinking it away?"

"It’s fine." said David, "I have already decided on what needs to be done."

"Suit yourself." said the bartender now getting up from his chair. He gazed back at David who was now lost in thought.

He gave a smile at David.

"This world, isn't as Grey as many think, if you care to take a second look, you may find that there is much more to life than meets the eye."

David looked up and asked what he meant by that, only to have the music start up again in the background, preventing the bartender from hearing him.

Shrugging it off, David drank a couple more Martinis before making his way out of the bar. Behind, he left a two hundred dollar tip for the bartender.

During the following weeks, he informed his friends and family that he would he going out of country for the next five years. He figured he didn't want them to suffer with him. After the false story was told, he then prepared for the phase. Calling his girlfriend Rebecca and told her the same story he told his family. This was no easy task however; as he quietly ignored her continuous calls while sitting in the dark in his arm chair.

Three weeks passed by, his windows now covered in a dark plastic made from trash bags, blocked any incoming light from outside. His world was now shrouded in darkness as he sat alone with his despair.

During a night of drinking; He walked to the bathroom where he noticed his reflection in the mirror. His face was now pale and worn out. Feeling disgusted, he smashed the mirror with the half empty bottle of beer he had on his right hand. A sense of hopelessness came down on him as he fell on his knees, the broken glass deeply pierced through his skin. Not noticing the blood being poured on the floor, tears cascaded down his cheeks and continued on throughout the night.

One morning, several days later, he woke up to grab a drink of water when he noticed an envelope that was slipped under the door at his apartment. Wearing his robes and a newly grown beard, he opened the letter to find a blank sheet. Annoyed, he crumbled the paper and tossed it in the garbage can. The following day, he received another envelope; this one however had a sentence scribbled on top.

"Life is like a poem."

Searching inside the envelope, he took out yet another blank sheet of paper and again crumbled it. That week, he received four more envelopes until he finally decided to wait by the door the next morning.

Now quietly gazing at the floor for any signs of movement; he waited patiently for two hours till he saw an envelope slip under the door. David quickly opened the door to see who was on the other side. To his surprise he found an empty hall and the neighboring doors locked.

Puzzled, he grabbed the envelope and opened it. This time it had two sheets of paper, his eyes wandered towards the first of the two which contained the words; "Take a walk" scribbled on. The second sheet was blank.

Following his gut feeling, he decided to take the walk suggested, thinking perhaps he would encounter the person behind the mysterious letters. After shaving his face from almost a month's worth of facial hair and putting on a pair of jeans and a clean shirt; he locked the door from his apartment, giving the knob another twitch before making his way towards the elevator.

Upon coming out of the building, rays of light stung his eyes. He waited a few minutes for his vision to adjust before leaving the building. Not knowing where to go, he randomly took a left turn and headed towards the park. Inside the park he sat down on a bench as he watched kids playing with their parents.

Memories of his childhood flooded mind, while they weren't always pleasant, some memories he cherished till this day. There he stayed for several hours, watching the birds fly overhead and the swaying of the trees.

On his way back to his apartment around four in the afternoon, right before crossing the road, a pickup truck passed him by, dropping a seven foot, slim object covered in a red cloth. After watching the sides for any incoming cars, he grabbed the object from the street and carried it to the side of the road. Untying the knot, he uncovered the red cloth revealing a brand new surfboard, straight out of the store.

Not knowing what to do, he waited an hour for the owner to return. After the hour passed he decided to take it to the local police department to report a lost and found. Upon his arrival however, he encountered a big sign; "Moved to another location."

Now fed up, David took the board to his apartment and thought he might as well keep it. During the night, he gazed at the board and began to remember his surfing days.
"Oh how free I felt during those days." he thought to himself.

The reflection to his past, triggered moments he shared with his family and friends. The sudden thought hit him; he was all alone and there was no one there to care. This was the road he had chosen, to not let anyone else worry about his despair. In his mind, he thought it was the right thing to do, sparing others from the pain of loss. But he realized, he was doing something much worse. He was being selfish by taking away the possibilities of granting them fond memories with him.

The next morning, he got up and cleaned his apartment. He took down the plastics that were previously preventing any light to enter the room from outside. In the bathroom he scrapped the dried off blood from the floor after sweeping it clean from any shards left from the mirror he shattered awhile back.

The following week, he contacted his family and friends to let them know what was going on, while the news weighed heavily on them. All was forgiven with the condition that he had to stay in contact with them while he still had breath in him. Only his ex-girlfriend Rebecca became hard to contact. Many times he tried to call only to have her hang up. He sent her letters, but got no reply. After the futile attempts, he thought perhaps it was for the best.

He later spent time with his family who continuously took pictures of him for the family album; they all stood together behind him in one shot which he would later take home and hang it on his wall.

The night before going to the beach, David walked into the bar and saw the bartender who was signaling to him. He approached the bartender with a kind smile.

"I just came to say thank you." he said.

The bartender looked at him strangely.
"A thank you for what?" he said with a smile.

"You know what I mean." He said.
The bartender, still acting confused.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I am but a mere bartender." he said with an acknowledging smile. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

"yes." said David, "Yes I did. Thank you."

He shook hands with the bartender, before making his way out of the bar.

Back at his apartment he saw a blank sheet of paper spread out on top of his desk. After pondering, he sat down and began to write throughout the night.

The sudden crash of a big wave on the nearby rocks startled him from his day dream. With a tight grip on his board, he charged towards the water and launched himself in and paddled towards the crowd. There he awaited his turn and grabbed the best waves of his life. After an hour in the ocean, he was about to head back to the beach, when he heard some cries for help. Three people had gotten stuck in between the rocks where the waves crashed continuously. One of them barely had their head above the water. David looked around for help but found no one. Knowing time was short; he paddled towards the cries…


The next day Rebecca received a newspaper with a headline and a picture with a familiar face. Beside her was a pile of 10 unopened letters she had saved.

"Surfer with cancer drowns while saving three."

Later that afternoon, she visited his apartment. Unlocking the door with the spare key his mother had given her earlier during the funeral. While walking inside, she noticed he had saved the pictures of them together. Still decorated in the elegant, golden frame she had given him for his birthday a year earlier.

After a letting out a smile, she made her way towards his room, and surveyed the empty bed. She approached the desk where she caught a glimpse of the sheet David had written on several nights before.

Grabbing the sheet, she acknowledged his once familiar scent as she brought it closer to her watery eyes. She fought back the tears with most of her will, but it was a vain struggle as she embraced the sheet close to her heart. Tears flooded her eyes as she lets out a whisper:

"I forgive you"


The Letter

Why I ride the waves?
Do you really have to ask?
The calm breeze caressing your face.
The sensation of being free.
The ocean is my playground.
To that playground I am it's guest

All you want is the moment.
Nothing else exists but you and the wave.
Like riding on the back of the dragon.
While the dragon roars with rage.

It has it's scary moments
It even shows it's sharp teeth.
Down beneath the ocean.
Lays the coral reef.

But no wave can compare
To the wave I caught in you.
To me you were perfect
But I had to let you go.

I will see you in that place
Where the sun hides between heaven and earth.
When all is said and done
I hope you can forgive me.
But I want you to know
That I made my peace with God.
he said, things will be ok.
With love
David

By J.N.V (aka) RIsenAngel77

Synopsis

Man finds out he has little time to live. After an encounter with a local bartender, he fights off his despair until a series of mysterious envelopes kept appearing under his door step which would change the way he looks at the world for the rest of his days.

This short story took me quite a few hours to put together. A request I would like to make is. If you can give opinions either on grammar or anything. It would be greatly appreciated. In this Short story, I hope I made the flash backs clear along with hidden philosophy's to unlock.
Thanks
-RisenAngel77

Awesome story! SnF. You have talent going on.

One of the mistakes a writer often makes, one that I still occasionally do as well, is verb tense shifts. When I write offline, I usually proof them much more severely than when I do if I post directly from a comment box.

For example:

A lone surfer quietly gazes across the horizon. Looking for an entry point where he would make his way to the locals who were about seventy feet inside the ocean. Feeling the breeze on his face he closed his eyes for a moment, and took a whiff of the oceans salty yet pleasant aroma while the seagull’s overhead dove into the water for their early meal.

This sentence starts in present tense. That kinda sets precedence for the rest of the tense of the paragraph. He was gazing, and looking, and feeling. (present tense) Then he he closed his eyes, and took a whiff. (past tense) A rewrite to keep everything in the present tense would be, "Feeling the breeze on his face he closes his eyes for a moment, and takes a whiff of the ocean's salty yet pleasant aroma while the seagulls overhead dove into the water for their early meal."

Another example:
This paragraph should all be past tense, as he is flashing back to a time two months previously. Avoiding and closing are current tense verbs, so I edited the quote.

Two months before, he stood inside of the doctor’s office. Anxiously, he awaited the results of a physical exam and a blood test. The doctor came in through a decorated green door, and avoided eye contact at first which made David extremely nervous. After a brief pause, the doctor requested him to sit. David observed the doctors lips move after he closed his file.

In this one, notice the past tenses that I bolded:

That night he walks into a bar on a rainy shivering night. Taking off his jacket he hung it at a nearby coat hanger, and made his way to a three foot stool and orders a Martini on the rocks.

Edit: "That night he walks into a bar on a rainy shivering night. Taking off his jacket, he hangs it on a nearby coat hanger, and making his way to a three foot stool, he orders a Martini on the rocks."

Or also: "That night he walks into a bar on a rainy shivering night. He takes off his jacket, hangs it on a nearby coat hanger, and makes his way to a three foot stool where he orders a Martini on the rocks."

I sure hope you take advice well, as I'm not trying to pick apart the grammar in your story, but simply pointing out things I think would be helpful in the future. Your verb tense shifts mid sentence are really all I could up with when you started this story asking for opinions. Just trying to be helpful. Believe me, I make the same mistakes as well. By the way, masqua said that if we need to edit any entry into the contest, all you had to do was u2u, and we'd get a magical window of opportunity to edit if we had to. Maybe masqua can add into that thread about how every can get a chance to edit their stories if outside the editing time limit?

The whole theme of your story is spot on, and I like how you took your main character through several emotional states, finally concluding with a heroic act that I would like to think finally gave him peace with his own mortality.

reply to post by Druid42


Wow thanks for your insight. (Learn something new every day.) I knew something was off but I just didn't know what exactly. When it is small details like that it is very hard to notice when you are the artist. That is where the reader picks up things the artist can't at times. *cheers*


I intend to edit it outside however, if I can't edit it here I can always edit with word and use this story as a guideline for other short stories I intend to write in the future. If there is anything else you would like to add it would be greatly appreciated. ^^

Reason I ask this is because i've been working on a project. The story idea in that project is huge! But I still have to go back to basics and learn a few things like what you mentioned.

I am glad you liked the story. You picked up my intent with it spot on. Thank you ^^

Namaste


Edit: I'll let masqua know ^^ didn't know you could edit after an entry. XD

reply to post by RisenAngel77


I am a better copy editor than writer. I do a lot of reading, and I am impressed when I catch grammatical errors in published stories, that have gone unnoticed by the editors, and still went to press. It's good to see you weren't upset by my nit-picking, so I'll assume you are very open minded. In a short story, you can't really add any serious conjecture, because in this format, the writer utilizes a few words, and lets the reader extrapolate the rest of the content. That's what makes the short story genre unique. I love reading good anthologies, which is basically what this [F&R] thread is about. With enough contributions, a publisher could make a book from it, each story contributing an idea to a particular theme.

If I had any advice to give, it would be to write. Period. Then, cautiously give out tidbits for peer review. I write, a lot, but most of it is offline. I'll occasionally print out a few chapters, take them into work for my co-workers to read, yet they only say they liked it. I don't get much criticism, or feed-back otherwise, just simple acknowledgement.

Since you mentioned a project you are working on, I am interested. Care to share more?

ETA: That magical ability is only for the duration of this contest.

reply to post by Druid42


I would but a publisher I talked to advised against it. For now the WIP and ideas there only goes to people I trust. But it is a project that has been long over due. But then again, perhaps not because every little thing I learn I use as a tool to apply there. So you could say im working on what writers would refer to as. "Their master piece"

I will continue to write short stories though, to me this contest was more to see if I have it in me to become a good writer. Winning the contest is just a bonus to me, my intention however was to prove something to myself, so this was a unique opportunity to see what I got. The problem I have however is putting a story into words, but in my mind the scenes play out like a movie in detail.

Aye, I am open minded. I take criticism seriously because it is a learning experience. A lot of people can't handle it and they tend to shut themselves inside a box in their mind. However, they don't realize that to make mistakes is also a learning experience. So yes I am very open minded. XD.

Thanks for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

I try to help, so thanks for your warm acceptance. The rest is understood.

Maybe I should have used a better title lol.

Oh well, grats to the winners, and thanks for the tips @ Druid.

Namaste