Child Abuse - A Victims Perspective On How Its Wrong

I wanted to post a thread that is quite personal in nature. I want to do this as a means of expressing to others that child abuse is wrong. It doesn’t really matter how you look at it, you can look at it with tinted glasses, you can remain partial, you can be pro or against it but the outcome still remains…it is wrong.

Some threads recently have highlighted child abuse. There is a huge overwhelming expression of emotion when viewing these and some people feel compelled to post their feelings…I am one of those. There are others who have never suffered abuse who feel compelled to post and there are those who have been abused who feel compelled to post, both are within their right.

Some of you who have been abused seem to use that as an excuse as to why it’s OK. Others who have been abused have looked the other way and said “No, I won’t do that to my child”. I am one of those. The fact remains though that the abuse has had a psychological effect on us and that has created our views. But the ones who feel it’s OK because they were abused have obviously suffered differently to those who were abused but would never abuse their child.

I want to share with you a short “life story”, which is my life story, to try and let some people see what it’s like to go through these things and why I follow my path. Everyone’s path is different, but the love for children should conquer all.

I was born in 1983, into a family of a mother, father, 1 sister and 1 brother. We lived in a fairly inadequate house. My father owned his own fishing trawlers (2) and my mother was a house wife. My father would be at sea for up to a month at a time. My father would come home and without so much as looking at his children or communicating with us, he would go straight out to the pub and drink. He’d be gone for days. He would return home drunk, usually while we were in bed. I’d hear him and my mum arguing, fighting etc. It used to scare me terribly. I’d cry in my bed knowing that my mum would be getting hurt. In the morning I would see my mum was hurt, she would have bruises on her face, arms etc. Being very young at the time (about 2-3 years old), I would recognise when my dad was in “one of those moods”, I could sense it with him, but me being a child I’d just want to play with him. I’d play with my siblings, probably loudly and running about as children do. But my dad wouldn’t tolerate it. He’d warn us to stop running around but as everyone knows; children will obey for a short time then forget about it. My dad would take us all upstairs into the bathroom. He’d tell us to take down our trousers and lean over the bath. We knew exactly what was coming, we would cry so hard before we were even hit. This wasn’t because of fear; this was because of the sight of your brothers and sisters being hurt. I remember being hit with the belt repeatedly, over and over, then watching my brother and sister getting the same punishment. We’d be sent to our room afterwards to go to bed. We were threatened that if we cried we’d get beat again. There were occasions where we would stick up for each other. An example being that I would take the blame for something because I didn’t want my sister or brother getting hurt. Or there would be occasions where I’d try and pull my brother or sister away from my dad when he was dragging them upstairs. It wasn’t long before my mum and dad split up; however, what I must stress at this point is that my mum was no angel in this. She would also hit us, just not as frequently as my dad. She’d abuse us in different ways when my dad want home, such as not make us any meals to eat, let us starve for a day or two, all the while she went out partying and my alcoholic grandmother looked after us. My grandmother was not fit to look after us. She was a raging alcoholic who told me to go to a shop on my own when I was 4, across a busy road to get a soother for my “new” younger brother. This action resulted in me being knocked down and hospitalised with a broken leg and fractured skull. All the while my mum was out with friends, my dad was offshore and my grandmother was drinking her “extra strength cans of lager”.

Shortly after this my parents split. My mum gave us up to live with our father’s parents, my other grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather was a gently giant and I love him very much, he never harmed us at all, my grandmother was also very gentle. For the first time in my short life I was fed and clothed and treated like a child, allowed to push boundaries whilst not living in fear for myself and my siblings. I was glad to be away from my parents, even though I still missed them, but when I think back, maybe it was the change that made me feel sad. Either way, my life had changed for the better.

We lived with my grandparents for a couple of years, until I was 6 years old. We would get visits from my mother and father on a weekly basis (separately) under supervision because the social services were aware of the abuse because they were informed by my grandparents. One Sunday my mum pulled up to my grandparents’ house whilst we were all playing outside. She put the window down and said “how would you all like to come live with mum again?” we all said “yes”. As any child would. My mum knew my grandmother was ill in bed and my grandfather was working, she told us all to go into the house and get some clothes and put them in a bag and meet her round the corner. We all did this and got into the car. She told us we were going to live with mum and “her new boyfriend”, in a town about 200 miles away. As we drove away I cried for my grandparents. Although I said I wanted to go, I actually didn’t. I was confused between my mum and my security.

We lived in his “new town” with my mum and her partner for 2 years. During this time we lived in a tenement flat with only 2 bedrooms. My mum and her boyfriend were in one room and me, my 2 brothers and sister in another room. It wasn’t long into the move that my sister went “away”, she was taken away by the social services to live with my grandmother again. I was never told why. So now it was only the 3 boys. My mum’s partner was a nice enough guy, at least I thought so. He would let us use his “computer”, buy us things, play with us etc., but this was all a seduction technique. He was seducing us for what he wanted to do. My mother by this point in my life (7 years old) was a drug addict; I’d often see her sniffing glue or smoking cannabis. Her partner also did these things.

His seduction techniques were to lour us into a sense of safety around him. Until he “pounced”. He sexually abused me and my brothers. I won’t go into the details but this went on for nearly 2 years, I would tell my mum about it but all she would do is tell me I was lying. After 2 years of this form of abuse, we moved back to our original town, this time with only my mum. She had told us that she had split with her partner and she wanted a life with just us 3. My sister was still living with my grandparents, and I still at that point had no idea why. After a couple of months of living back “home”. My mum called us into a room. She told us that she wanted a “break” from us. She said that we were going to go on holiday for a couple of weeks without her but we’d be coming back home soon. She even bought us going away presents. All I could do was cry.

The social services arrived at the door and we were taken to our “new homes”. I and my eldest brother were put into a foster home with other children, whilst my youngest brother went on his own to live with a family. For a number of years we moved around different homes until in 1995 when I was 11, a family (my current adopted parents) replied to an advert of me in the paper saying they wanted to give me a home. Since that date my life has changed so much it’s difficult to explain.

I have been raised in a normal family, with no violence, no drugs, no shouting, no alcohol, no starvation, no fear, no persecution, no segregation…only love for who I am.

I went from not attending school, not eating, being sexually abused, violently abused, being torn away from my family countless times to graduating school with passes in my exams. I have since then met the love of my life, had a child with her who is a gorgeous little boy (2 years), hold a good job in HSE for a US based marine company in the UK, have a mortgage and call my adoptive parents MUM and DAD. My son will grow up to feel like they are his grandparents. My real mother and father are NOT part of his life and will never be.

I discipline my child with a firm sharp voice, a voice of authority, and I give him “timeout”. If he misbehaves at meal times, he is put in the spare room until he apologises. I explain to him why I did that, we have a hug and he sits back down for his dinner. If he continues to misbehave (unlikely) the process is repeated until he gives in and eats some of his food. The same applies to all things. If we are out having fun and he misbehaves and doesn’t heed the warnings and talking’s too, he is taken out of the situation and left until he apologises. Again we have a chat and we continue on our way after a hug. I and his mother do this. He responds exceptionally well to it.

People who feel this approach is wrong, simply cannot do it properly, or don’t have the patients and determination to do it properly.

As a victim of both physical and sexual abuse, I can tell you first had that it is TERRIBLE to go through any of it. When you’re crying so hard you wet yourself, you can’t look at someone in the eye because of fear of retaliation. This is not a life for a child. I will never abuse a child; I will never let anyone abuse a child…the sooner humanity wakes to this and starts to pro-actively eradicate this in society the sooner children can be nurtured into decent humans who can change this world for the better.

Children are a gift, not a possession. They are to be loved, not controlled, they are to be enjoyed not hated and they are to be allowed to live not scared to live.

I have lived through hell as a child; I have been to the edge and back, but I KNOW what is right. Abuse in ANY form is not right, there are NO excuses and don’t ever let anyone tell you there is.

Enjoy your children, play with them, make them laugh, pick them up when they fall, hug them…don’t make them fall, don’t make them cry, don’t neglect them love.


P.S. the individual who sexually abused me and my siblings was consequently found guilty and jailed for no less than 9 years. On the week of the court case, he and my mother were together; my mother ignored me and hurled abuse at me across the street whilst i was with my adoptive mother. My family persecuted me for justice…

Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story.

How sad, that children have to suffer.. and it must have been terrible for all of you children. I was so happy to see you ended up with loving parents..and the sexual molester was convicted of his crimes.

I am hoping that your siblings have seen a happy ending as well, but unfortunately that is not always the case for those in foster care.

You are an example of the many who would never abuse a child especially because of what you have been through.. and an example that the cycle can be broken.

Kudos to you for being the best parent you can, and for dealing with the suffering in your childhood...though I'm sure there are still scars.

reply to post by gabby2011


Thank you for your reply.

Life is full of adversities, we go through so much pain and so much happiness but when it can be prevented by another human or by yourself, should we as humans not do that? Isn't that what humanity is? Isn't that what Love is?

Your story breaks my heart and makes me smile at the end. Because you took an awful experience and made it into good without letting it destroy you. I admire that so much. I , like you went through a lot of pain, and chose to make myself better for it. Some people cannot overcome it, and this is sad. I swore that I would become the EXACT opposite of the people who hurt me in my life....in that way, we "beat" them. We are better than that, and it gives great satisfaction for them to SEE that they did not ruin us. We are stronger than them. Child abuse is a horrible thing, and may heart aches every time I hear about it. The perpetrators deserve every horrible thing they did to a child to come back on them 100 fold. I am so happy for you that you finally found happiness, and I hope that it remains with you the rest of your days.I don't know you but ((((((hugs))))))) Bless you and your family.

reply to post by jrmcleod


I commend you for having the courage to tell your story. There is healing of some sort in getting it out.

I agree with you - children are special and anyone who causes harm to them in any way does not deserve to be called human. They are no better than animals.

I also agree with your discipline methods. I have two small children of my own. I also use the firm voice and time outs, but I always end it with a hug and telling them "I love you."

I'd like you to look at my signature line, it puts my feelings into words better than I can.

reply to post by jrmcleod


Please tell us what happened to your other siblings? Have you all re-connected? When was the last time you saw your grandparents?

To all others on the thread:

The problem today with child abuse, you can't measure the pain these children go through it does have an affect on them all their lives. It's like an reformed alcoholic who has to always steer away from alcohol and kids who are abused can easily fall in to the same hole of their abusers. A majority of people shy away from reporting it to Police and welfare services and once the abused child becomes an adult those around him/her always tell them to suck it up and get over it. Fostercare in itself is most often not much better than the abusive homes these kids come from.

If you see child abuse or suspect child abuse.......SPEAK UP! It is your duty to report child abuse and domestic violence and if nothing comes of it keeping ringing the authorities.

Thank you for sharing..

On the odd occasion I have mentioned my abuse here it has always been more in passing with little detail, so I admire your courage to share as much as you have like you take the position that type of violence should come to an end, those cycles should be broken..

Children are a gift, not an object to own and I do not understand how anyone can gift their children with pain and suffering. I honestly do not see the difference to being whipped with a belt or in my case metal rods.. the pain is still the same.. the heartbreak and heart ache still the same.

In my case the punishments extended to having the tips of my fingers melted off in an electric fire..It is I guess one method to teach a child not to put their hands in a fire.. but I honestly think there are better ways to teach those lessons.

I better end here, but I will say thanks for the thread and the chance to add my thoughts

reply to post by bluemirage5


My siblings and i are still in contact. My sister has endured some difficulty, she has been in many broken relationships and has 4 children to 4 different fathers. She is still in touch with my mother and father. My eldest brother has a child but has split with his fiance. He was addicted to drugs for a while and has spent time in jail because of his violent nature. He has since turned his life around and holds down a well paying job and is rebuilding his life. My younger brother is in "limbo" just now. He is 26 and although he holds down a good job and will be working at the Olympics in London in construction, he is lost with his future. He has no guidance, i have taken him in as so to speak.

All my siblings are still in contact with my real parents, only myself and my sister admitted to the police that the sexual abuse occurred, my two brothers denied it out of fear. They have since told me that it happened too them too. Even though i didn't need to hear it from them because i saw it happening too them.

My father has a new wife with 1 child. My mother has a new life with 3 other children, who were subsequently all put into foster care as well.

reply to post by thoughtsfull


What you went through is quite disturbing. Your right, there are far more alternatives to physical punishment. There is no room for it in my world. Thank you so much for sharing!

reply to post by jrmcleod


I've spent a number of years helping others and to be honest feel the internal suffering (no matter the type of violence, or level and type of abuse inflict) to be pretty similar in everyone I have worked with, some imagery might be worse than others, but the internalised pain seems to be pretty consistent, which is why I really do feel the cycle of harm should be broken. There can be no excuse to cause harm to another, and I hope we (humanity) really are moving in the right direction.

Parents/guardians resorting to physical assault are failed, weak and to be honest stupid parents. I have had total control over my kids by doing 2 things which I threatened and carried out 100% of the time (ie never backed down):

1.(2-10 years) "If you do that again I will throw your toys is the bin"........which I did (NB I previously prepared the "assault" by separating broken toys, Macdonalds plastic crap etc etc !). I was a thinking prepared parent !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. (post 10) "If you don't tidy your room by .... I will switch off the TV, I don't care if you are in the middle of a game". Now with this threat you have to be clever enough to suss out a key moment of a game. ZAP TV off just before a high score is reached........they don't forget!

The secret is not pain but what they consider important ie crap toys and video game high scores. You need to be a clever thinking parent not a neanderthal bully.

I had a friend in the same situation. At the time I was young and didn't know what to do. Tell somebody what she told me and have her life shattered with the results, or try and "persuade" her step father into leaving her alone. After 2 years I told my brother in law, who helped me do the persuading. He hasn't been back to that house since. The mother is mortified that she did not do anything. It's just a nasty, nasty situation that nobody deserves to be in.

What hurts me most is the very few, yet still devastating options victims have. Nothing but time can heal them.

reply to post by jrmcleod


Thank you for sharing. My heart swells with pride when I hear that an abused Child has found their way out of the darkness and made a life built on what is right. I am sure your Child will grow up to love and respect you for much more than being a decent parent.

What upsets me are the people who are too afraid to report abuse. I don't understand how someone can ignore the signs of abuse let alone not report it to a professional agency for attention and action. Why is it that people can see their own Children but not others - by that I mean - their own Children are worth protecting but not the Children who belong to someone else? I have always thought that all Children are important.

I have no fear when it comes to protecting Children. I would never walk away from a Child and I would never protect the abuser - unfortunately many people ignore the abuse which means they are ignoring the Child.

I understand your story and I can empathise. Even though I do not know you I am very proud of you.

Much Peace...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate on a certain level, which is why I've spent most of my adult life working with teens and children with behavioral issues.

I'm interested to see if any of those pro corporal punishment fools from the other threads have the nerve to post their bs in here... I haven't seen any yet and I doubt I will. I feel sorry for them. If they were abused and are grateful bc of it then they are more damaged than most.

Life becomes so miserable for the children of broken homes ... I feel sorry for you and your brothers.

Technically, your story was simple but subject was heart touching.