Questioning Everything, Would Appreciate Some Feedback

I won't go into the whole history here as this will be long enough, but basically my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. We broke up briefly earlier this year due to his depression and subsequent drug and alcohol use to cope with it. He made changes, worked on himself, is coping with his depression in a much healthier way and things have been going great.

The pot that he was smoking while he was depressed was a major issue for us, and things cleared up when he quit smoking. This isn't something that I had asked him to do as I knew that if he wanted to change he would need to do it for himself and he did, but he was aware of my concerns. He had gotten to the point where he wouldn't get out of bed unless he was high. He started treating everyone like crap, was constantly lying and sneaking around and his whole life revolved around smoking, so obviously it became a problem for us.

A couple months ago I started getting a gut feeling that he was smoking again but I decided I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt that this was something he would be open with me about. I did not have any reason to suspect this other than what my gut was saying, but if there is anything I can be 'proud' of, it is my gut instincts. A couple weeks ago we were just sitting and talking, things were fine, and I just literally blurted out 'Are you smoking pot again?'. He answered that he was, but he knew it would be an issue so he didn't want to tell me and hurt my feelings. I was glad that he was honest with me, but upset that he had kept this from me, which I told him. I feel that if something is going to be a problem for either of us, we should be open about it so the other person has all the facts and can then decide what they want to do with it. He agreed, told me he was going to quit [not at my request], and things were fine from there.

This brings me to my current problem. A few nights ago we were together and again, everything was going great. We were joking around and getting along, watching movies and just hanging out, no problems at all. All of a sudden he said something along the lines of 'We are doing so well' and I broke down crying. I have not cried in over four years, and it was because of a death in my family, but that night I was sobbing. In a very humiliating, snot sticking to your neck and honking/choking everytime you swallow kind of way. I don't know why, or I didn't in that moment, but a million things just hit me at once and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

I started thinking why am I with this person? I started questioning everything, and at the mention of us doing well, I started wondering if we really are. I started feeling immense guilt at holding him back from being who he really is. We talked it out the next night and he assured me this is not the case, but the feeling is still lingering days later and I can't shake it. He told me he loves who he is when he is with me, and he feels better about the person he's become since he met me. The thing is I feel like if he wants to smoke up he should be able to, he shouldn't have to quit because he got 'caught'. If he wants to be black out drunk with his friends he should be able to do that too. If he wants to be sneaky and not think of consequences to his actions, who am I to ask him to do differently? He told me that I am helping him become a better person, but what if he isn't meant to be a better person? I just feel like he should be with someone who wants him exactly as he is, not someone who has to speak up because of a gut feeling and then he feels he needs to stop what he is doing to make me happy.

The night I broke down crying was the first night I have ever felt comforted or cared for by him. There have been many times in the past that he has hurt me very badly, but when I would mention it he would turn it around on me and make it out to be my fault and then ignore me. I never had a chance to have my feelings heard or dealt with - I was always made to comfort him and then everything would be fine until the next time. Since we got back together we haven't really had any fights and any disagreements that come up always get calmly discussed, but again, without my side getting taken care of. He acknowledged that he does this, that he just shuts down when there is an issue, and he will try to be more attentive to my feelings when it counts.

I really love this person and I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him that I can't deal with thinking about leaving. He is the first person I have been with that I can honestly say I love, and I have always made sure he knows it in every way I can. I don't know if I just needed to vent, or if I needed some insight, but anyone who read that it is really appreciated. I may just be in a rut, but for the first time I am really questioning everything and it is scary to me. I feel like the distance is starting and I just need to figure out what is going on. Talking to him was fine but I am nervous he is just saying what I want to hear so I don’t leave. I don't want to make any irrational decisions, so can someone just talk me down from the ledge?

reply to post by Cinquain


Go and see a councillor. You need to sit down and talk with someone who can help and advise you on the deeper issues!

Originally posted by RP2SticksOfDynamite
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Go and see a councillor. You need to sit down and talk with someone who can help and advise you on the deeper issues!

That may sound like the easy answer, but I doubt it will help.

Well, if your wallet is too heavy, they can help you make it lighter.

Also, exactly how deep can one get into the 'issues' when they only talk to you for an hour per week? Not very deep I assure you.

Sweet sweet sister. Trust your gut, it's always right and cheaper than a therapist. You cannot change someone, and you already know the answer.

reply to post by Cinquain


Hmm I can't seem to quote you properly. Oh well.

Venting is always good. When you don't feel things are so great, voice it, just make sure you voice it to the right people of course.

The drug use and all of this other stuff is just a side-effect of reality.

People are already suffering major problems before the drug use, it's just the drug use makes it more visible and accentuates those problems.

Relationships can really suck I understand, I have suffered my wife for almost 8 years now.

My advice is that you should just let go of all these problems for awhile and chill out a bit. Go outside and look at the stars, or go read a good book. Whatever suits you, do that.

Just don't take things so seriously, we usually blow them out of proportion and it's hard to realize that when you are in the midst of the action.

Calm down, let go, and chill.
No pills or bills $$.

Perhaps he has changed. But such things are not instant, they take time and are a gradual curve.
I would say the occasional smoke or drink is alright but if it comes to the point that it is negatively affecting you relationship you should have a heart to heart with him about it.
And we all do things that will hurt someone else, whether or not we meant to. The difference is how we handle the aftermath. Try not to dwell on the past.

Also encourage him to be honest with you. Keep the dialog between you open. The is one of the most important things in any relationship.


P.S.
I'm not a counselor, just trying to help.

Originally posted by ValentineWiggin
Sweet sweet sister. Trust your gut, it's always right and cheaper than a therapist. You cannot change someone, and you already know the answer.

LOVE is difficult within itself. We cannot change another. This requires much time and effort. Excepting someone and thier faults requires an entirely different amount of access to yourself.

I can honestly say that I lived... and failed. This can be a win / lose situation. It takes a certain type of person to involve themselves in the lives/faults/failures/ of another.

What those that are willing to chance for another never ask themselves the common questions. How far am I willing to go, and can this person give me what I want in return. YES, those that stay with someone that needs extra help expects something in return. Its their nature.

Those expect, recognition, praise, and change, If this does NOT come about we do not blame the person... but ourselves. Not only is this unnecessary, but damaging to ourselves. We then begin to think that this is our PERSONAL problem.

IMHO, ask yourself what you are willing to deal with. Is it worth it, and can you forgive yourself... for forgiving someone else.

Peace, NRE.

reply to post by Cinquain


Sounds like even though you don't love him, you realized that you're not with the person you intended to be with. You also don't seem to trust him.

Originally posted by ValentineWiggin
Sweet sweet sister. Trust your gut, it's always right and cheaper than a therapist. You cannot change someone, and you already know the answer.

Originally posted by Cinquain

I have to say it is mostly guilt for stepping in and trying to help him, and now that he is doing well I almost feel like, who do I think I am?

I don't know.

Who do you think you are?

Maybe that is the ultimate culmination of all of this?

Who are you really?
What do you want in life?
What are your goals?

Are you ready to accept yourself?

Fair warning though:
No matter how well you get to know yourself, you will still always be one step behind that ultimate realization you are after.

Seeking answers to one's own purpose in life can become an enigma wrapped within a mystery.

reply to post by Cinquain


Oh and here's a funny joke I hope you will get a laugh out of.

So you think you love him? Well get married and live with him, and then you will find out exactly why you actually hate him.

Sorry...the married jokes cannot be stopped.

Originally posted by Evolutionsend
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Sounds like even though you don't love him, you realized that you're not with the person you intended to be with. You also don't seem to trust him.

I love him and I am very proud of him and who he is becoming. I wanted him to be happy, honest, respectful, considerate. I wanted him to be on a good path, to work on his depression rather than using substances to hide it away. I wanted him to see how much better life is when you're not angry all the time, when you don't have to lie and sneak around everyone. He is doing all of this and things are going well for him - he's a completely different person. There has not been a single problem for the last 7 months and everyday things only seem to be getting better, and then the other day I was just hit with this sense of guilt. I was thinking that I was helping him become the best version of himself when really I should have just maybe walked away and let him be who he wants to be. It came absolutely out of nowhere and it has been sticking with me.

As far as trusting him, there was a time I didn't trust him at all. Every.single.word that used to come out of his mouth was a lie. I used to feel physically ill all the time because I knew I was being lied to and I always turned out to be right about it. I don't have that anymore with him. I trust him because things have been going well, and I haven't been getting the 'sick' feeling.

I usually meditate on and off, but I have been doing it intensely over the last few weeks, and someone told me that this will bring up a lot of crap that needs to be dealt with. Do you think that could be the case? Because this has honestly just come right out of the blue and I can't rationalize it.

Originally posted by Cinquain

Originally posted by ValentineWiggin
Sweet sweet sister. Trust your gut, it's always right and cheaper than a therapist. You cannot change someone, and you already know the answer.

I understand what you are saying and would like to offer this as food for thought, From what I have read from your OP it seems to me this is what might be defined as a co-dependent relationship.

If you get time please take a look at this link:
insidetherapy.com...

The disorder was first identified as the result of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. "Co-dependent" was originally the term used to describe persons living with or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns are seen in relationships with chronically ill or mentally ill individuals. Today, the term has broadened to describe unhealthy behaviors characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy.

People with addiction problems are not available for a relationship, they can't even have a decent relationship with themselves, much less anyone else. Why would you..why are you in this quasi relationship with him? and what void is this filling within yourself?

All of the roads we travel down in our lives can be a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and a deeper understanding of who we are...perhaps your soul is urging you to look deeper..not at him..but within...I wish you well..Cheers Coco

It could also be that you are maturing faster than he is, and you are crying because somewhere inside you know this change is not going to stick. Maybe intuitively you know that it won't last. If you are wrecked with guilt about asking him to stay clean, it might be because you know he just isn't where you are at.

I am torn here, I am very much against telling someone what they can and can't do. I however have been in this same exact situation before and it drives me insane for the person I am with to hide things from me, especially any kind of drug use. I can't handle that. I end up torn, telling them to do what they will and pretending I don't care. Well I do, so it eventually drives us apart. You do too. So a decision has to be made like was said earlier in the replies, where do you draw the line? You are discovering your boundaries.

@ValentineWiggin

You are right, and thank you. I am also in denial about this for many reasons. One, because it just hit me the other day out of nowhere, it isn't as if I've been thinking about it for weeks or months. Because of this I feel I may be over reacting or being irrational. Two, I really do love this person, and I love the person he has become. Instead of feeling sick when I'm around him, I can't wait to see him. His happiness is contagious, and watching him grow as a person makes me proud of him and I am excited for him to grow even more.

I don't know, it just caught me off guard. Maybe I have been ignoring my gut for too long and that was it's way of snapping me out of it? I feel like I have a lot to think about now, but I don't want to overthink things.

Originally posted by itscocobaby
I understand what you are saying and would like to offer this as food for thought, From what I have read from your OP it seems to me this is what might be defined as a co-dependent relationship.

If you get time please take a look at this link:
insidetherapy.com...

The disorder was first identified as the result of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. "Co-dependent" was originally the term used to describe persons living with or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns are seen in relationships with chronically ill or mentally ill individuals. Today, the term has broadened to describe unhealthy behaviors characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy.

People with addiction problems are not available for a relationship, they can't even have a decent relationship with themselves, much less anyone else. Why would you..why are you in this quasi relationship with him? and what void is this filling within yourself?

All of the roads we travel down in our lives can be a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and a deeper understanding of who we are...perhaps your soul is urging you to look deeper..not at him..but within...I wish you well..Cheers Coco

Thank you for your reply as well. I read the link and am still digesting some of it, although diagnosing my relationship as co-dependant is something that I hadn't considered and right now don't want to wrap my brain around.

When I met him he was not an addict. Smoking pot was something that he did occasionally which I was fine with, but within a few months it took control over him and this became the issue. He went from being able to smoke it once in a while, to not being able to get out of bed without it daily. At this point I was already with him, already had developed feelings for him, and at the very least considered him one of my best friends - the last thing I was going to do was walk away from him. I didn't see myself as trying to save him, but I watched everyone else around him encourage the behaviour that was bringing him down and I wanted to show him he didn't have to be that way. I loved him, I supported him, and at one point I left him alone to self-destruct because I didn't know what else to do. I have been through a lot with him in only two years, but now that things are going great is when I am starting to question everything. That is what I don't understand.

reply to post by Cinquain


Perhaps you are addicted to the drama of the relationship? You state that:

but now that things are going great is when I am starting to question everything. That is what I don't understand.

Maybe you have a need to feed off the negative attributes of this relationship..I'm not trying to be mean or rude..this is just an observation based on what you are saying and my interpretation of it. Based on my experience and quite a few years of therapy myself.. I would say this is co-dependent behavior and it can change with the proper help. It's not about him..that's his job..it's about you, you are the only one who can change anything you want about yourself..your in control of yourself, and knowing that is very liberating..then again..I may be way off track..it's only a suggestion..Cheers Coco

Originally posted by itscocobaby
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Perhaps you are addicted to the drama of the relationship? You state that:

but now that things are going great is when I am starting to question everything. That is what I don't understand.

Maybe you have a need to feed off the negative attributes of this relationship..I'm not trying to be mean or rude..this is just an observation based on what you are saying and my interpretation of it. Based on my experience and quite a few years of therapy myself.. I would say this is co-dependent behavior and it can change with the proper help. It's not about him..that's his job..it's about you, you are the only one who can change anything you want about yourself..your in control of yourself, and knowing that is very liberating..then again..I may be way off track..it's only a suggestion..Cheers Coco

I understand where you are coming from and I know that we are each responsible for our own happiness, and in control of our own selves. I am not one who typically thrives on drama - I actually am extremely introverted and have kept to myself most of my life to avoid those who do.

I am very confused as to why I am responding the way I am right now and I appreciate all the input I am being given. I am taking in everything that is being said here and I am certainly willing to look at myself, as I agree that is where the issue is now.

Things have been going great between us steadily for the last 7 months. Not an argument, not a doubt, nothing. I have not questioned a single thing up until the other night when I was suddenly hit with "Who the heck do you think you are?" in the back of my head. I don't know why this is coming up now, I don't even know where it came from because as I said, things have been better than I could ask for over the last 7 months. It was a question that overwhelmed me to the point where days later I am still not over it, and can feel myself distancing from my boyfriend because I feel like I did something wrong in trying to help him.