I get moody/introverted when I am around him?

I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now (I am a 30 year old male and gay and he is 22) and recently every time I go to his apartment to hang out I immediately become moody and severely introverted. My best friend says my mood drastically changes when I am around him yet I cannot figure out why. He is the nicest most caring guy I have even been with but I cannot seem to open myself up to him at all. I will sit on his couch at a complete opposite to him and for some reason that's fine to me. It wasn't like this at first though so I don't know whats changed. One other thing... when he goes to kiss me I feel sick to my stomach and refuse affection of any kind.

I hate posting this here on ATS but I know there are some very level headed people here that may be able to give some insight.

reply to post by Thrace


I was going to say that your problem was you are female, but I guess scratch that one.

If it wasn't like that "at first" and it's like that now, maybe that's because you either have gotten to know him better, or he's gotten to know you better. If it's affecting you and not him, then maybe you are feeling intimidated by him? Perhaps due to lack of self esteem, self worth, ego, jealousy, or something in your subconscious that you feel is there but aren't consciously aware of.

Try going over the days in your relationship around the time when things started to change and look for the X factor that made a shift in the energy.

reply to post by Thrace

My only reasoning for this is.
You're turning straight.

Hi Thrace,
Sounds like you aren't right for each other. A person that is right for you makes you feel happy and excited to be around them, not moody and introverted. Try taking a break from each other for awhile. Reflect on yourself, maybe meditate or pray to see what is making you feel that way.

I hope you find the answer
xoxo
Suz

Originally posted by SuzMc
Hi Thrace,
Sounds like you aren't right for each other. A person that is right for you makes you feel happy and excited to be around them, not moody and introverted. Try taking a break from each other for awhile. Reflect on yourself, maybe meditate or pray to see what is making you feel that way.

I hope you find the answer
xoxo
Suz

I'm sorry but I have to disagree there. You're drawing a conclusion and advising him to cease his 7 month relationship on a guess/theory. A few paragraphs is hardly enough information to determine what's best for someone. What helps is helping someone find the problem on their own and make their own determination, help them help themselves if you're going to offer advice.

Sounds to me like you really don't have a place for him in your heart. Maybe what you have is more of a friendship and not a relationship. In my opinion when you meet someone you have to have "that spark" and it doesn't go away, you just look at them and get goosebumps, not the urge to vomit.

Also, maybe there is something about him that reminds you of a past lover? A past lover that hurt you deeply and subcontiously that is coming through and it repulses you.

Sorry my spelling is ugh...

if you want to talk to him about it...he may help you learn something about yourself. it sounds as if you're denying even yourself to have experiences...fear of commitment to others...moreso, fear of commitment to self. talk to your self first. work on yourself first. figure out what you need, then figure out what you want. not easy, i know, but remember that all wars in this world start inside us first. if he's your best friend, screw how he MAKES you feel for the moment, and think about how YOU make YOU feel.

reply to post by Thrace


Do you think maybe you have some issues emerging around your age difference? If he is eight years younger than you, maybe you feel subconsciously like he is not on the same wavelength. Also, he may be super nice, but if you are feeling introverted is it maybe something like he wants to go out and be social while you'd rather spend a quiet evening at home? Sometimes those kinds of differences can make you withdraw or feel even less social than you would otherwise. Feeling ill when he kisses you is a big concern - do you suspect he is cheating on you? That could cause you to turn away mentally and physically. Alternately, if you are finding yourself attracted to someone else but trying to supress it, same thing might happen. You said your best friend thinks your personality changes when he is around - do he and your best friend get along? If not, that can certainly cause problems, too.

Just some ideas, maybe one of them will ring true for you... I hope you can feel better soon! Maybe you need some time away, if that is possible.

I've been dealing with this issue quite regularly with my wife as of late...

We've been together for 11 years and will be married for 10 (if we make it) in December... she cheated on me several times years ago and then lied about it and called me crazy every time I brought it up until the end of last November when after putting me through hell finally admitted to what she had done... she asked me for forgiveness and told me she would accept whatever decision I made about terminating our marriage... and I immediately forgave her because as I told her many times prior and once again upon hearing the fact that "all I've ever wanted was the truth"...

Over the course of the last year it seems as though she has some sort of mental barrier where the better I treat her the more distant and cold she becomes... we'll go to counseling for a while... and then something will inevitably pop up where we stop going generally due to her work schedule or new found interest in church...

I am extremely knowledgeable about religion/theology and try to put things into terms she'll understand when it comes to my perceptions on her behavior and have eliminated as many variables as possible (from getting her to stop taking birth control thinking maybe it was the artificial hormonal changes to diet and exercise) but am running out of "sane" conclusions...

I'm actually beginning to wonder if it isn't some sort of "electronic interference" or SSSS (silent sound spread spectrum) programming that is affecting her interpersonal relationships...

There are so many people that I see in a days time that just don't "look right"... that have a "zombified" appearance at times that seemingly come out of no where...

At times we can be getting along great... and I start to look forward to the bright future I'd always wanted for us... only to have her get this blank stare... and then "reset" and we're right back to where we were a year ago which only serves to dredge up all the raw nerve emotions for me of finding out I'd been cheated on and lied to for years...

I love my wife dearly and want nothing but the best for her... I try to do everything I can to make her life as easy as possible... she tells me I'm by far the most handsome man she could ever hope to be we... she acknowledges that I treat her far better than anyone's spouse that she knows... she tells me I'm a great father... great husband... trustworthy and honest... reliable and fair minded... but at the drop of a hat she'll suddenly just want to abandon everything for reasons she can never verbalize... she "just doesn't know"...

I pray that you'll search your soul and come to a concrete conclusion as to why you don't want to be with someone that treats you well as I will continue to do with my wife... we all deserve happiness... don't build walls between yourself and your partner especially if you can't rationalize why it is you're doing it...

***EDIT*** Ironically enough there is an 8 year age difference between my wife an I although I am the one that is 8 years her senior... so it's sort of a flip flop of your situation...

Im gay, and I haven't had very many relationships (Im just over 18) But from what you've said, I think its time to cut the relationship. Your not happy with him!

or, why dont you talk to him about it. If he really cares about you he will discuss it openly and won't judge too horribly much.

reply to post by Thrace


I have only read your opening post.
The relationship is not working and I would make
a clean break if I were you.

Originally posted by Thrace
I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now (I am a 30 year old male and gay and he is 22) and recently every time I go to his apartment to hang out I immediately become moody and severely introverted. My best friend says my mood drastically changes when I am around him yet I cannot figure out why. He is the nicest most caring guy I have even been with but I cannot seem to open myself up to him at all. I will sit on his couch at a complete opposite to him and for some reason that's fine to me. It wasn't like this at first though so I don't know whats changed. One other thing... when he goes to kiss me I feel sick to my stomach and refuse affection of any kind.

I hate posting this here on ATS but I know there are some very level headed people here that may be able to give some insight.

I would react the same way but I'm Strait

Serioulsy though. Since getting to know him does he do anything that reminds you of someone from your past?

reply to post by SwissMarked


I will try to explain everything that I can to everyone the best I can.

Swiss: Yes this sounds like the same the but swapped... Here's the story:

I used to see him (we will call him "M" for short) out with his ex at the grocery store all the time and I found myself very attracted to him but since he was in a relationship I left it alone and just saw it as look but never touch. When I was in college I would stop by Walmart everyday to get something for lunch and found out that's where he worked at and everyday I made the attempt to walk around the store to see if he was working though I never said hello. One day I got a spark in me to look him up on Facebook to say hello... well I did and all of our conversations were very short and many one liners. I stopped contacting him for several months but still continued to see him at Walmart (not by choice it would just happen). One evening out with friends I said screw it and sent him a message that was conversation worthy. He replied back immediately and we actually started talking. I learned that he was now single for several months and was living on his own here in town. We talked for several days and decided to meet. The day we met was kinda rainy and there was even a double rainbow in the sky and I thought to myself "wow that's kinda gay" LOL!

Anyway from then on out we were inseparable, always hanging out. A couple months passed and I started a new job... while at work I got a text message saying "I have done something wrong" eventually leading to a text that said he had cheated on me the night before with his ex. This killed me to hear as my ex of 3 years cheated on me at least 5+ times or many more. It took me several days to tell him that I forgive him and everyone needs a second chance. He was sincere in apologies and was truly sorry that he did such a thing though his ex would do things like send him flowers and message him saying how sorry he was about stuff that lead to their breakup.

He told me every time the ex would message him and send flowers (which laid in the trash can after he got them). I guess some of this stuff turned sour with me and it seems it has hurt the relationship though I feel like if I can get through some of it we could really have something. I wake up to text messages everyday that tell me how special I am and how much it means to me that I am in his life. He genuinely loves me but I feel empty inside on emotions if that makes any sense.

Though I myself have been going through a very hard time because I lost my job that I had and have been struggling to find something else. I have a lot of stress on me in wondering who I am and where I am going as well, so I think my priorities are on my life and not a relationship but I hate to imagine him not being around at the same time.

Sorry for writing such a novel.

reply to post by Thrace

It makes a lot of sense. He cheated on you, and even though you want to forgive him and give him another chance, and you care about him, it still hurts. Especially since you had the same thing happen multiple times in your previous relationship.

I guess so.

He just came over to my house to pick up a tv series on dvd and as soon as I laid eyes on him I instantly became moody, quiet and defensive. He even mentioned something about me has changed and said he would just go ahead and leave.

I don't think it's going to work out any longer.

reply to post by Thrace

I'm sorry, Thrace!

I do believe that it is over now... had a conversation with him saying that I feel suffocated and that I cannot take his neediness. Now I am left with getting messages like "I will fight to keep your love" and a message that read:

Hey, I thought id send this in a Facebook msg cause I know you'll read it later. I'm sorry that I made things difficult, I guess I was scared too. Unsure of myself, that I was good enough or not. I really do care for you and hope that if you truly decide to not be with me that maybe we can atleast become really good friends one day and maybe you'll come back to me. You said you could see making a life with me one day, remember? I hope somewhere in your heart that you still care, and love me and feel the same when we kissed for that very first time. I want you to have the time that you need to decide if you really want to give us a shot, and I mean a real shot, like you gave your ex... I won't hurt you like he did, ever. So for the next couple days I'm going to leave you alone... Oh its going to suck ass but I do want ya to have time. I'm hoping tomorrow you'll invite me to go with you, so we could have a really good day together... Possible god, I love you so much this is killing me... But I'll stop, text me whenever you feel ready to. I really do love you and I inow relationships can be hard but I think we could really be a good thing if you let go a little. I love you.

While I don't have any insights into the whole gay thing...I have to assume it's similar to any other relationship, and one thing is clearly obvious....

He doesn't make you happy anymore. The answer is pretty obvious, and you've already stated it.
The next step is moving on.

I also can't help but echo the thoughts of an above poster...maybe you are turning straight (or bi)?

I mean, I'm straight myself (my brother is gay though, so I've seen his relationships), and the idea of kissing another guy would make me queasy in the stomach. Not joking here, have you really thought about who/what you're attracted to?

reply to post by Gazrok


Nah... not turning straight. I think it's the fact he cheated on me and so did my ex and all those feeling just make me sick to think about.

All in all it is over. Words were said today with any breakup and I had to eventually black list him on my phone and block him on social networking because he could not be mature about it. He showed me his true colors today and the person he really is and it was quite nasty.

Thanks for the help ATS.

reply to post by Thrace


Best of luck in the future Thrace.