Do you have a funny joke

Ya know all this doom and gloom end of world stuff, we all need to lighten up and have a bit of fun once in a while
so i thought a funny joke may do us all some good here is mine,

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

reply to post by starfighter1978


john howard, tom cruise and bill o'reilly actually have the worlds smallest peni'
they are all 0.000000000000000000000001mm long

My father used to work for the council road works department. I always thought he was stealing stuff from work then, when I got home one day, all the signs were there.
Hee, hee, hee.

reply to post by starfighter1978

It would be against the T and C to post my humor, believe me bro.......

Trust

ETA what does snoop dogg have an embrella for?


DRIZZLE

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called dumfries at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here,"says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........







"OK, Monica, you're free to go.

Man 1: Do you ever talk to your wife during sex?

Man 2: Only if she calls.


Laaaaaame!

This is a true story.
I swear by some higher entity!

My mom goes to the doctor.
That docter being a family friend sais: " hey els! Haven't seen you in ages"
To wich my mom replies: "I've been sick"
I found this hilarious cause my mum doesn't really have a comedy bone, if you catch my drift.

Why are Pirates, called Pirates?


They just Arrgghh!!

Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle?






'Cos the parrots-eat-em-all...

reply to post by starfighter1978


What's the difference between 'Oooooooh' and Aaaaaah'?




About 3 inches.....

how do you make a woman cum??












Who cares!!

I entered ten puns into a contest in hopes to win.

No pun intended.

Originally posted by n00bUK
Why are Pirates, called Pirates?


They just Arrgghh!!

where do pirates get their coffee
StaaAAArrRRRGHHhhbucks

What does a turtle and a blonde have in common?

...When they're on their back...they're screwed

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"

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A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

"You idiot," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

----------------------------

These jokes have me in stitches!

What do Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Ashton Kutcher is filling both of their old slots.

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down instead of 6?


Deep down their nice guys.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman all walked into a bar, and the barman said "is this a joke?"

The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a #."


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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fu&*ing appendix out!"