What office complaints look like when you have the world's most brilliantly obnoxious coworker.

This is f-ing epic. I laughed so hard I think I cracked a rib.....wish I worked with this guy.

www.happyplace.com...

Love him.
This is one of my favorites!

Magic 8 ball Wednesday

Using the Mattel® Magic 8 Ball to answer emails
I sent an email to a friend recently, asking several different questions, and he replied with the single answer "Yes, probably." It was obvious that he had either not bothered reading the email or could not be bothered answering my questions.
The next day when he emailed me, I replied using the Mattel® Magic 8 Ball™ to generate the random answers.






From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.38am
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

Have you got a typeface called Garamond Semibold? I have the Garamond and bold and italic but not the semibold. I am doing a poster for Cathy and I reckon garamond would look good.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.02am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: No Subject

As I see it, yes.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Garamond

Which one? Yes you have the typeface or that it would look good on a poster?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.52am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Garamond

Concentrate and ask again.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.14am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Garamond

What the #? I need the typeface Garamond. Have you got it or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.18am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Garamond

You may rely on it.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.29am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Garamond

Send me the typeface dickhead.



From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.08pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Hey

Hey. Are you at work?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.25pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Hey

Signs point to yes.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 2.53pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Hey

What? Can you drop over on your way home from work and help me lift a piece of glass up onto a table? It is too heavy to lift.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3.22pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hey

My sources say no.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 3.49pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

Are you serious? I tried lifting it a bit at a time and sliding books under it but I need heaps more books. Can you come for a quick drive now?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4.02pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey

Ask again later.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 4.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: ?

Are you going to help me on the way back from work or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5.16pm
To: Mark Pierce
Subject: Re: ?

It is decidedly so.

From: Mark Pierce
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 5.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: ?

Good. # you are annoying sometimes.



From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Tree frogs ppt

Hi David, you forgot to send the attachment on your last email. Can you send it again please?

Justine
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 8.51pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Tree frogs ppt

You may rely on it.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.15pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Ok. Can you resend it to me then please?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.26pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Without a doubt.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

???? Did you attach it?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 9.51pm
To: Justine Murphy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tree frogs ppt

Don't count on it.

From: Justine Murphy
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 10.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: ?

Are you #ing with me? Just attachment it ass hat.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.28pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

Are you online?

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.37pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: No Subject

Concentrate and ask again.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Wednesday 4 Feb 2009 11.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

# you.

Made my day thx

Aaaaaaannnnnnd........the infamous Beiber pictures.

www.helpmesellmorebooksthanjustinbieber.com...

reply to post by jewells


Cuh-lassic!

Thanks for embedding mate.

This ones great too....


Dear customer,
You have no idea about running a business. I hope you fall and break your neck.
Note: The above photograph is not me but it is the kind of thing I expect to be doing after I learn how to stand up.
As an Australian staying in the United States, I have been lucky enough to experience many things previously unavailable to me. Although I still flick the switches the wrong way, think the electrical outlets look upset and cringe whenever the word aluminium is pronounced, I have fallen in love with many of the things I assume most Americans take for granted - like snow and having four actual seasons.
The four seasons in Australia consist of "# it's hot", "Can you believe how #ing hot it is?", "I won't be in today because it is too #ing hot" and "Yes, the dinner plate size spiders come inside to escape from the heat. That is a #ing whopper though." I hate spiders. If I am reincarnated as a spider, I will bite myself and not seek medical assistance. I have actually only seen one in the entire time I have been in the US and it was the size of a well sucked on m&m. I flicked it into the sink. In Australia, the presence of a spider involves combat gear and improvised weapons. I do miss aspects of Australia though. Not many but aspects nonetheless. I would kill for a packet of Arnott's Pizza shapes and I saw an episode of Oprah recently where she flew the entire audience to Australia to listen to Russell Crowe sing which brought a tear to my eye. It was that bad.
My favourite aspect of the United States is the snow. While those around me complain of sliding off the road and having to shovel paths, I quietly hope ten thousand inches are dumped overnight forcing everyone to dig tunnels to Waffle House and snowboard to Wal-Mart.


www.27bslash6.com...

I always liked this 'snow' one when I lived in Minneapolis.........

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Doggone snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the idiot is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What?...is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his nose. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that goldarn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WIFE is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
~Author Unknown

funny spider email from the same throne guy
www.27bslash6.com...
hilarious poster about a cat also the same throne guy
www.27bslash6.com...

That gave me a good laugh.

Great post.

I think it would be best to link to the actual source of the post, instead of one of those Digg-Types that doesn't require links to the source. www.27bslash6.com...

The man's a damn riot.

reply to post by buskey


the t-shirt reminds me of workplace shenanigans from long ago:

Gerry, a warehouse guy, was a massive Andrew 'Dice' Clay fan. Gerry would recite all of the off-color 'poems', nursery rhymes and imitate the Brooklyn guido schtick in Dice's act day after day, relentlessly. Gerry idolized Dice to the point of driving his co-workers crazy.

Gerry got tickets and saw Dice live at one of his famous big-arse Arena shows and was totally stoked when Dice advertised a Show T Shirt on cable TV. Gerry figured he was going to get a copy of the T shirt Dice wore that night. For Gerry it was like the second coming of Jesus.

Gerry's Dad had hit the roof with his son constantly pissing away money, so Gerry was having his shirt sent to him c/o our employers address. They handled all the shipping/receiving out back, no problem.

Many weeks went by, no shirt. Gerry was electric with anticipation. The warehouse guys were sick of hearing about this stupid shirt. Nerves were wearing thin.

Gerry's vacation time came up so he says to Sal: "Listen, you're the only one I trust. Do me a favor, if my shirt comes in, grab it. Grab it right away and hide it for me. I don't want these arseholes gettin' their hands on it." Sal agreed.

Sure enough Gerry's T shows up the second day he is away. Sal looked like the cat that ate the canary. He shows me the package in a hallway and we go back to the Repairs Area where Sal could work undisturbed.

The T shirt came in a brown padded envelope, the one-use kind that you zipped open and discarded. For whatever reason the Shipper used a slew of staples to secure the flap instead of ripping away and exposing the adhesive surface to seal it shut. Sal went to work, slowly and meticulously bending back the arms of each staple and carefully removing them.

We tossed the Dice Man T shirt in a drawer. I brought in an ill-fitting T bought in New York state that had a small sailboat motif with "Lake George" printed above. It was a newer shirt that had acquired some rather rude stains and was no longer being worn.

Sal very carefully folded the shirt a few times till he got it just right, and smoothed it flat so it could slide right into the shipping envelope. Then we drafted a note from the shirt seller and 'aged' it with spatter and artifacts before photocopying it on the worst printer in the building. The effect was perfect; it looked like the copy had been run off thousands of times, picking up dust and streaks along the way.

The note read along the lines of:

DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PURCHASE OF DICE MAN LIVE TOUR T SHIRT. DUE TO OVERWHELMING DEMAND YOUR FULL SIZE IRON ON TRANSFER WILL BE SHIPPED WITHIN 6 - 8 WEEKS. SIMPLY PLACE THE QUALITY TRANSFER FACE DOWN ON SHIRT AND LIGHTLY PRESS WITH 350 IRON.

AGAIN, WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR PURCHASE AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY. T SHIRT CO USA

Sal trimmed the note so it would fit in the Neck area of the shirt, placed it carefully inside the envelope and painstakingly re-stapled the parcel closed. It was perfection.

Now, Gerry had spent around $40 for this T shirt. The waiting made the wanting all the more. Returning next Monday morning from vacation, Gerry sought out Sal and was simply overjoyed to learn his beloved Dice Man souvenir had arrived at long last. Christmas came early.

Loud mouth Gerri made a big deal of his parcel while the warehouse fellows were waking up with Monday morning company coffee. A group built around Gerri as he ripped open the envelope and stuffed a chubby hand inside.

Sal and I stood in the background. It was delicious.

Gerri yanks the T Shirt out with a flourish, fluffing it open. The Note popped out from the shirt and slowly helicoptered to the cement floor. Gerri held up the stained "Lake George" t shirt and bellowed WHAT THE FOCK!

Someone picked up the Note and handed it to Gerri, who slowly read it out loud. Then: "TRANSFER? IRON-ON TRANSFER? ARE YOU FOCKING KIDDIN' ME? I BEEN WAITING FRICKIN' FOREVER AND THEY..

AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THIS IS A USED FRICKIN' T SHIRT! I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!"

Sal and I lost our minds. 10 warehouse guys were laughing hysterically at Gerry, busting his balls and delighting in his supposed misfortune. We let not-so-bright Gerry carry on for a good 15 minutes before Sal came clean.

Gerry never did appreciate the humor of it. As Dice would have quipped: "snapperhead!"

S & F - and thanks!! I needed a good laugh today. Brought back memories of a happier time when I used to drive my corporate coworkers nuts bringing a "magic wand" to meetings and the like.

lmao

This guy sounds like he's copied some of those pranks from Jim Halpert in The Office. Awesome stuff.