Haunting Connection to Another Person

timidgal, your story eerily resonates with me in almost every single detail. For a little over three years now, after a mere year with him, I too have been living with this kind of haunting, which is as good a word for it as any because it becomes an almost tedious fact of your eternal existence, defying, as you've said, all logic and all explanation and in fact the very essence of what you know yourself to be with no apparent way out. You can't get away from it. It becomes part of your fiber and it's overwhelming. It's just everywhere in some facet or another, no matter how much you don't want him to be, no matter how you live your life beyond it. And you do live, despite what some might think. You just live differently now.

And all of this is so very hard to explain to anyone. In fact, you feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it, yet if asked or many times just by random comment or inquiry, you realize these same people will almost surely tell you quite the opposite, that you've been almost unnaturally quiet on the entire subject, as if protecting something...or someone. This is not an issue of ego or losing some game or feelings of rejection or remorse or regret or anger or petulance or getting something "back" either. The characteristics most would assign to love or a relationship simply do not apply here. Knowing that he's alive and "okay," while bringing a certain sense of relief really don't matter either because not a damn thing would change if you found out that he wasn't. It's more of a profound bittersweet sadness, as if you know that something that was so meant to be just couldn't be and won't ever be. And this is what I believe makes it so much harder to communicate to others who have not been here.

It's like a death...irrevocable and final...yet both of you are still alive. You cycle the stages of grief over and over again at different levels and to different lengths but never quite get through them. You question your sanity as well as every detail and scenario despite yourself, despite Herculean efforts to push it and him and all vestiges of him away. You progress only to be yanked back by some power or powers unseen and unknown. You make progress only to be almost totally set back, to the point despair or anger or mere frustration with yourself and the universe. And trust, always hard for you to begin with, becomes literally impossible.

Reading through your words and the words of others who have participated has made me revisit and relive so much here. The common paths we go down for answers...past life, dream life, energy vampires, not knowing what you had until it was gone, the potential that you miscommunicated, misread him and the situation, the possibility that it's not "over," soul mates, twin souls, ghosts and demons...are all too familiar and painful. My journey has taken me to psychiatrists, shamans, and psychics. It's taken me deep inside as well as totally outside myself. Who knows where there is truth and where there is only speculation.

Despite being pretty sure that chronological stage of life doesn't matter here at all, I arrived at this haunting place relatively late in life, so whatever cosmic or karmic lesson this is finally did come didn't also come with me feeling equipped to handle it. As with many things in life, maybe those who haven't gotten to this point yet or haven't have this particular experience simply just can't relate and that adds to the feelings of isolation and frustration. It's as if, having been shown what you want and is possible and more importantly what you don't want, you're actually more sure and more prepared and more at peace with yourself even as this odd kind of war rages within another part of you? Again, who knows.

All we're left with now is finding a way to continue living with this reality, continuing the jouney and coping within our own situations and lives. I'm at the point where I just let it come over me as if in waves, sometimes more intense and sometimes less so, and try to stay open to receiving whatever message it seems I'm clearly not ready to receive yet. I don't have the strength to keep actively searching for answers that may not exist so I trust that if or when the time comes, so will the answers.

Also, and maybe key here is that most of the time I believe that the betrayal is perhaps the thing that this all hinges on. This word among all your words was the one leapt out most fiercely at me. Betrayal is a deep cut and, when it comes from someone you might love, a mighty and powerful force that trumps even love. Your sharing your story gives me an odd kind of solace and kinship, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. We may never know exactly why. Maybe it's just that we found that rare real and true love but at the same time learned that real love doesn't always work out, no matter that it should have or how it could have? Because it speaks to the very essence of who and what we are as individuals this is a profound and among the most life-altering lessons for us? Clearly, again, I don't know. What I do know is that we're not insane and we're not alone.

There is an energetic component to relationships that transcends the conscious, rational, and emotive aspects of interpersonal connection. Energy healers believe that when individuals share intimacy in any form, a connection is formed between them on an energetic level. The connection looks and feels like a silver cord connected to one or more chakras depending upon the level of connection. In a healthy, intact relationship, this connection facilitates the free flow of soul energy back and forth between individuals and feeds and strengthens the bond between them. In dysfunctional or failed relationships, this connection can, unfortunately, facilitate victimization through a type of vampyric access to the energy field of the other.

Occult ceremony exists that can sever this connection and allow you to disconnect from a former lover, etc and help you close up any and all weak points and “holes” in your energetic system. I have performed this many times over the years with very good result. It is common for the ex to try and establish contact within days of the ceremony as they actually experience a drop in energy and a sudden flurry of thought related to the severed relationship. I usually caution against contact as it can open the connection up again and start the vampyric process anew.

This begs the valid question… Is this real or imagined?
Occult ceremony and belief is based on archetypal recognition and utilization. To the human mind, forth and fifth dimensional reality (imagination) is as valid and real as third dimensional reality. Any kind of ceremony dealing with cross dimensional synthesis connects, through a mythos = logos approach, the left and right hemispheres of the brain and integrates holistic perception. Reality is what the mind says it is, albeit archetypal, religious, metaphysical, etc. Ceremony allows the creative mind to step beyond the bounds of convention and facilitates change on a level without limiting parameters.

It works, in short. Why it works remains a mystery….

Reply to post by timidgal

You have described what I am feeling about someone, except without the witchcraft. I have had two experiences with people who seemes to be not from this realm, but neither were creepy or scary.

I have always been one to move on easily, but this is different. It is past a hurt and past the pain of a broken heart. Friends and family don't understand and say move on. It doesn't work. I can go a few days or so sometimes without giving the situation a thought but something always happens to bring it back about. Usually a very vivid dream or something very unusual will stand out. I refuse to let it get me down. I say that, but it doesn't work like that.

I wish I knew, wish I had an answer, wish I knew why and I wish he would come back. A piece is missing. It's miserable.


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Reply to post by fordizzl3

In the same situation. I have told him, but by voicemail only. He refuses to have anything to do with me. His issues not mine. I didnt even see it coming. He had fears of abandonment that went back to childhood.


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reply to post by Cinquain

Thank you, Cinquain, and no, nothing you said sounded cold and everything you said sounded right. When I see the words "2 years" written by someone else's hand, it seems incredulous that I would allow myself to be stuck in this mode for that length of time. Unfortunately, while one is stuck in it, time seems to stand still and it's easy to lose perspective of how many things are passing you by. My problem remains in the fact that I have such a jumble of emotions toward this person (as well as myself, I'm finally beginning to understand) and I'm not sure that I'm capable, right now, of just forgiving. How does someone do that at will? I know that we are supposed to all love each other and be forgiving of past mistakes, but how does one become so pure as to be able to just open their heart and do that? Perhaps it is a process and I can only hope that this - sharing and opening my heart to you and all others who have participated in the thread - is the start of this process and was intended to be.

Thank you for that dose of reality and in turn, I hope that whatever situation you're currently going through yourself passes quickly for you.

Many wishes for happiness are returned in kind to you - TG

reply to post by idunno12

I think you'd be surprised at how few people are actually laughing, idunno12. When I started this thread, I did so with the certainty that this is an experience unique to me and perhaps one or two others and I'm shocked to find such an outpouring of relatable stories. There just has to be something metaphysical to it and like many others' descriptions, a lot of the things you describe I've experienced as well. This synchronicity that brings him/her right back in front of you is the worst and seems to happen to many of us regardless of the length of time that has passed. There just has to be a reason for this that is beyond tangible logic.

I will do some research on soul-mates and Twin Flames but with no expectancy other than to better educate myself on the subjects. As of right now, I have no reason to believe that I will ever see him again and don't want to fall into a pattern of looking for reasons why I SHOULD want to see him again. If my path eventually leads me down another road, then so be it, but I'm not there yet and can't even conceive it at this time. I think you understand what I'm saying.

I'll end by saying that I believe that all of our experiences in life are a tiny piece of what in the end is our own unique story and that every contact and connection we make - whether it be a person we meet on the street or someone we meet on a website - contributes something to the fabric of our story. You've set me on a path to be better prepared to pass this knowledge, which I've received from you, onto another person if the situation should arise.

I thank you for that and for sharing your own story with me. I wish you peace - TG

reply to post by fordizzl3

I appreciate your advice, fordizzl3, and I'm sorry for your loss which makes my own seem pale by comparison.

I wish that I was brave enough to take such a leap of faith but I don't know what his motivates were/are and can't afford to open myself up to engaging with him again. You are right and if we have both been denied happiness by some misunderstanding, I live with the consequences of that but I'm just not open to taking that chance. Life has been generally tough, you know? And I think I need to find a way to cut my losses here and move on with the hope that happiness in some other form is waiting for me out there.

I hope you've been able to come to terms with your regrets and have found happiness - TG

reply to post by ~Lucidity

Lucidity - your post took my breath away. It's as if you climbed into my head and encapsulated everything I was thinking and feeling.

It's like a death...irrevocable and final...yet both of you are still alive. You cycle the stages of grief over and over again at different levels and to different lengths but never quite get through them. You question your sanity as well as every detail and scenario despite yourself, despite Herculean efforts to push it and him and all vestiges of him away. You progress only to be yanked back by some power or powers unseen and unknown. You make progress only to be almost totally set back, to the point despair or anger or mere frustration with yourself and the universe. And trust, always hard for you to begin with, becomes literally impossible.

I highlighted this passage because I couldn't have possibly articulated any better what it feels like to live in my skin. Your words are both devastating and brilliant in their eloquence.

Your post has led me to a point of reconciliation. There really is NOTHING we can do to stop this feeling and you're right, we just need to adjust to living differently with the ebb and flow of emotions and memories. It doesn't mean we stop living or stop trying to be better people, but this type of experience shapes us in a way that others can't possibly understand unless they've lived it for themselves. There's no need to justify it and there's no shame in not understanding it; one should consider themselves lucky if they fall into the latter category.

Your words also made me see that I need to stop beating myself up for what I'm feeling because like you, I'm just not ready to see the lesson this is presenting and I need to trust that the universe will decide when and if I'm ready. Maybe it will turn out that I'll never be ready or the message will forever remain elusive and beyond my reach, but with time and an acceptance that I can live with both - the knowledge that there's better days ahead and the understanding that the bittersweet moments will still come through (probably when they're the most inopportune) - perhaps I can genuinely come to terms with the fact that "it is what it is". I need to stop focusing so much on finding a solution to these painful feelings and just let them be and mellow in their own way and time.

There is a lot of emotion welled up in me right now. The last two days of sharing and communicating with everyone has been a journey that was most unexpected. I worry that I opened wounds for some of you that were best left bandaged and I put my faith in the belief that we will all find some level of resolution in our own way and time.

I know I've said this an infinite number of times over the last two days, but I am so grateful for the communion that's taken place amongst our words. I feel that each of you represent for me the type of ethereal connection Cinquain made reference to and I'll never forget your words or the part they played in my healing process. I'm not going anywhere and will be here on the boards for a long time to come. In spite of what some say, this is so much more than just a conspiracy website. It's a portal to humanity and I pray that we all find the peace and happiness we so justly deserve.

Your friend always,
Timidgal

PS - At the risk of sounding like a Facebook commercial , I am planning to "befriend" each of you within the ATS system, baring any requests for me not to do so. I'm not particularly computer savvy and this appears to be the best way to keep up with the goings-on of all my new friends.

reply to post by opal13

I still have no idea if witchcraft played any hand in my situation, opal13, and based on what Idyserenity shared, it appears that in a traditional sense, it did not. Some connections are just unexplainable and we each find our own words to describe what it represents to us (soul-mate, Twin Flame, destiny, ethereal, etc.). Some are lucky to find each other in the right time and under the right circumstances and some are not. Then there are those who meet others with unaligned intentions. It seems unfair that some are blessed and some feel haunted, but that is the way it has always been. Like you, I don't have any answers and I don't know if it's attributable to some form of destiny or the randomness of the universe; I suppose we all view this answer based on our individual beliefs.

At this point, I'm of the opinion that this thread has taken on a life of its own that was desperately needed by MANY people. I was merely a vessel if you will (for lack of a better word) to start the message. I've been humbled by the experience but cannot and would not claim it for my own since the words, emotions and experiences shared are meant for us all to draw upon. I hope that you will be able to find some words of comfort here, opal13, as I know that I have. There's nothing that is going to make this situation any less painful for any of us, but at least we now know that we are not alone. Contrary to what I said in an earlier post, this experience has made me come full circle and I have found great solace here.

Be well and take comfort in whatever words or actions provide peace to you - TG

reply to post by PapaKrok

I did not miss you, PapaKrok, and I'm planning to send you a u2u when I get home this evening if that's okay with you.

TG

That's cool....

Do I know you? I have gone over my relationships the past four or five years and I honestly don't think your description of the offender fits....both of my relationships that failed before the present one were according to choices THEY made and were not willing to reconsider (infidelity, etc.). You may be thinking of someone else.

Incidentally, a person can be haunted BY THEMSELVES from another period in space and time, ie being tortured by your own decisions in the past.... something to think about.

If you are still connected to him, (me?) then you might be experiencing what he is experiencing and you may actually be draining him of his vitality and energetic resources. It usually works both ways, in my experience. You would be well advised to sever the connection and heal, for both of your sake.

I'm gonna go home, take a salt bath and defrag, just in case

reply to post by PapaKrok

LOL, oh my goodness, no!! I can't imagine why you would have thought that unless you're just having a bit of fun with me. The u2u is about something else entirely - there's no stalking intent, I promise (mmwwaaaa)

reply to post by timidgal


I was thinking I might have hooked up with you and made a bit of karmic mess. Glad to see otherwise

reply to post by Signals


yes LOL

all you need to do is verbally spell the word Love...

and then the spell is broken

reply to post by PapaKrok

Now please tell me that you DID change your avatar and I didn't just send a u2u tome to another PapaKrok...

Reply to post by timidgal

Thank you timidgal. Like you, I was afraid I was the only one feeling these same things. Also, like you, I know my sister and my friends all got tired of it. Move on they say. There is someone better out there, blah. Blah blah.

I have gone into past life experience, twin flame, soul mate...all of it. It would all make sense. And just as soul mates and twin flames are meant for each other, that does not necessarily mean things will work out. That leads us to past lives. When we have someone that recurs in each life, it will keep happening until both fill the karmic debt and learn the lesson. Does not make it any easier.

I have decided that I am just going to live my life the best I can, look for joy in small things. Learning to be without someone I truly love. I am not ready to move on, I am not ready to open my heart and soul to someone. I do not trust it wont happen again.. I knew he was it, I never in all my years opened myself to anyone or allowed myself to love another like I did. Devastation is an understatement, and I honestly don't know if I can or will allow myself to do it again. With me there are no old wounds to reopen. Eight months later and it still feels so raw.

Like I said, I can only live my life with part of me missing and do what I do most days and send him messages of love and how much I miss him through the universe. I told hom when he left I would leave my porch light on if he ever changed his mind. The only time it was out, the bul. Burned out or the power was out.

We will survive this. Somehow. It almost feels worse than when someone we love passes on. That is final, it is accepted as we know what happened, we hurt, we mourn and move on. This is not quite so easy!

Thanks again for your kind words. You can call me Mary. My signature doesn't show up on the mobile site.

Warmth and comfort to you...and the others who are going through the same. I am glad to find others feel the same way...I was beginning to feel that something was wrong with me.

Thank you.....


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Reply to post by PapaKrok

When I have the vivid dreams of him, usually after I had not thought of him for a few days, I have always wondered if he felt me pulling away or "ignoring" him so he pulls me back. Interesting.

And we have no contact whatsoever and I have worked with reiki and counseling and medication, so far to no avail.

I know your response wasn't to me, but what you said makes much sense, especially in this circumstance.

Bless you...


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Thank you also to everyone else for putting words to the feelings that I so far have been unable to do. And thank you all for sharing so I know realize it is not something wrong with me, but something many of us are feeling and trying to deal with.


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reply to post by timidgal


well sounds like you just need to meet me and forget all about him!

Seriously , im sorry to hear about all this, really I am.......I believe people can cast spells on other people, and i believe that intent can cause many things........

My heart goes out to you, be careful

Originally posted by yourmaker

Originally posted by ldyserenity

Originally posted by yourmaker
been there, still doing that. she came and went but not the feelings I developed too late for her.
she admittedly liked me a lot when we first met and I liked her too. we had such a deep connection for the longest time.
at the time I was not ready to be apart of anything though. I met her on the first day of a new school, living out of a hotel, I had just lost everything I ever owned in a house fire in the area I had just moved to and didnt want her to be hurt in any way.. she still lives just down the road I think, but she doesn't want any part of me, that's clear, because I was clear at the time, I couldn't for the sake of her, she doesn't know this though.

Wow watch Glee much?
This is their last season storyline for the "SAM" character.

edit on 14-8-2011 by ldyserenity because: edit for spelling

really? which part? because that's my life. lol. can't say i've watched more then a minute of glee and barely know of it's existance due to commercials. I just googled Sam, and I can see similiarities. for one, I am a white blonde guy.
other then that, i'm interested in what you mean.

His whole story the girl the fire, and the hotel living thing lol.
Maybe they stole your life story!