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Originally posted by TheRealTruth84
Being a product of a 2 divorce family (3 marriages), I have seen my mom go through allot to ensure her happiness and the happiness of her children. I am the oldest (26) and have been with her, and supported her, every step of the way. That coupled with my own relationships (failed), I can understand some of the issues you are experiencing.
It sounds like you are hitting a lull that many married couples experience throughout the course of the relationship. It also seems that you have a good handle on where your dissatisfaction stems from. Have you taken the chance to sit with your husband and truly spell out where your issue's lie? Many time's men become complacent in certain area's of their lives when they begin to feel comfortable. He may be completely unaware of your feelings, and as a man, needs a firm wake up call to understand the depth of your feelings. I know my ex, would make comments from time to time on how to improve our relationship, I would nod my head, but never took it seriously until she was gone. In my case this turned out to be a good thing, but the initial shock still hurts.
He may have similar feelings as you, if so you can take a chance to constructively criticize each other and begin to mutually move towards the best option for you, your husband, and most importantly your daughter. At the end of the day it is her emotional state that you need to be aware of. A messy divorce can be very difficult on a child's emotional state. With that said, a bad marriage can be even more detrimental to her mental health. Communication will be your most important ally moving forward.
Communicate with your husband, how important it is to you, that your daughter is not pushed to the side throughout this ordeal. He sounds like a good man, and will probably agree with you 100%, if he is given the proper time to digest the information. At the end of the day I can't say , yes do it or no don't, as I don't know you well enough to help in that regard. But with a 50%+ divorce rate in this country, I'm sure you will find plenty of people that can help guide you in any decision that you make.
Good luck! And keep your head up, there are always greener pastures, sometimes it just takes a little extra time.edit on 8/10/2011 by TheRealTruth84 because: (no reason given)
I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself
Originally posted by James1982
Definitely focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
Think about the fact that you have a husband who is working, who doesn't beat you, doesn't cheat on you, doesn't emotionally abuse you, or abuse your child. You are already doing better than a great many couples out there, so stay positive!
It sounds like you are just bored. The fact that you two don't have a ton in common isn't really a bad thing, If neither of you want to compromise and do something the other one likes, but you don't, that's a bad thing.
Are you guys spending too much time together, or too little?
If you two are both cooped up in the house all day together just annoying each other and becoming frustrated, then the both of you need to have some alone time. I don't mean alone as in by yourself, alone as in spending time with other people. Go out to a movie, out to a bar, a festival, just do something with your friends or a family member to get some time away from your husband. Encourage him to do the same thing. When people just sit around together day in and day out for years things get boring.
If you feel disconnected, and think you don't spend enough time together, then you guys need to go out for dinner, or some other activity. You say neither of you have much in common as far as your interests go. Well, take turns. Go out together a few times a week, and trade off. One day do something he wants to do, the other day do something you want to do. One of you will be having fun, and the other will experience something new and potentially begin to enjoy it as well.
Try to think of why/how you guys got together in the first place. I really hope he didn't just knock you up and then you guys figured you'd get married. If that's the case, I don't know what to tell you.
If that's not the case, think back to what made you like him. What are the things about him that make you happy, or fortunate to be with him?
As I guy I can honestly tell you, that most women need to be more direct and vocal about what they are feeling. Most guys don't like to talk about "feelings" but don't phrase it that way. Just be direct with him. Once you figure out the problem (too much time with each other vs. too little) then lay it down straight. Say "We just sit around all the time getting bored of each other, lets both go out and do something with our friends/family. You watch the kids while I go out, and I'll watch the kids while you go out" Or on the other side of things "We need to spend more time together, lets go out a few times a week, we'll trade off on who gets to choose what we do"
A marriage isn't just a big bucket of fun times and ever increasing pleasure. There will be ups and downs and you need to be there for each other, and be honest and understanding. The most important thing you need to figure out, is if you REALLY still care deeply for your husband. Think about if he left you. Think about if he started dating other women. Think about not having him by your side anymore. If these things upset you, you probably still care for him. If you are indifferent, then it would seem you no longer care for him, and if that's the case you need to end it before you both become bitter and it negatively effects your child.
Sorry for the rough times my friend, I wish you the best, and let everyone know how things are going in the future.
Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by wildoracle13
Sounds like you have to have some gals nights out, maybe even some kind of weekend getaway with the girlfriends, something like that.
That way, you get some of the things you've been craving, without him being uncomfortable.
On that end though, sounds like he needs to FIRST realize that his wife is unhappy, and get his head out of the sand (a common husband response...we don't like conflict), and maybe try and bend a little, and try some new things, etc. He may be glad he did... It's YOUR job to convince him of it.
I'd at least recommend these steps over something more drastic.
See if both of you can adopt a hobby where you are each with your own sex, and you get some time away from each other for a bit.
For my wife and I, for example...she has Scrapbooking, and I have Paintball. She goes to crops with the gals, and me and the guys go shoot people. No matter how much you love each other...you still need a vacation from them now and then.
Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by wildoracle13
I had some pretty high hopes for myself as a younger person. I wanted to be married to a wealthy millionaire and living in Borneo or something like that. Apparently I am still unable to set logical, realistic expectations for myself
I used to want to rule the world... Seriously. As a beneficent dictator.
Then, I cut it down to New Zealand (I just like the place).
Then, I realized that it isn't really in the cards, and I'll never have my volcano lair. Oh well.
So, at least your dream was more realistic than mine...
Originally posted by wildoracle13
we live in Wyoming
Originally posted by James1982
Originally posted by wildoracle13
we live in Wyoming
Well there's your problem right there!
Only kidding of course, but it does seem that plays a part in the issue. If there isn't a lot to do around those parts I could see getting bored as almost guaranteed.
Your right about people being different than they were in high school. If that's when you guys met no doubt both of you have changed. You seem like you still care for him, that's the most important thing in my opinion.
You say your 26, so just a little younger than me. It's about that time life seems to become more mundane. The exciting late teens and early 20s is over, maybe that's all this is? Even if you were alone, or with someone else, it's very possible you'd be feeling the same sense of boredom that you do right now.
I have no idea what kind of activities people in Wyoming do, or what the two of you enjoy, but just go do something! What about camping? Go out for a camp with your husband and kid for a few nights, have a few drinks and sit around the camp fire telling stories from your past, that sort of thing.
Do you have a garden, for food? If not, that could be a cool project for you and your husband to work on together. Plus you'd have some healthy food and give your pocketbook a little relief.
I'm just throwing ideas out there, but there's got to be something you guys can do. Something new and fresh. It seems when two people experience something new together it brings them closer together. Brainstorm something that the two of you have never done, and then just do it. Spontaneity is another good way of reigniting that spark.
From the little I know of your situation it seems a lot of this is in your head. Change the way you look at your life and your marriage and you may start feeling differently about it. Although putting effort into actually changing things is never a bad idea.