Very funny, TRUE court room exchanges

I got this email/ too funny not to share:

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

www.amazon.com...

OMG, I never laughed so hard. Don't think I could keep a straight face. Nice Find.

Those made my day
couldn't stop laughing
unbelievable
sometimes they're just trying to get the desired response recorded but these are just ridiculous

S&F4U NewCovenant!

Those were hilarious! I liked the last one the best.

reply to post by newcovenant


My two favorites:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..

And the last one too, but it was too big to quote...

Thanks I needed that.

I think I peed a little. The oral one was too funny. Thank you for this.

here's a few more:

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."


Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."


Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Thanks for sharing those.
Brilliant!

that reminds me when a friend asks a question.

Friend: can you call me a taxi ?
ME: ok, your a taxi

Not sure how the above will come across in text format but it is funnier verbally.

reply to post by newcovenant


Excellent am still laughing. Great post certainly cheered up my day.

Originally posted by diddy1234
that reminds me when a friend asks a question.

Friend: can you call me a taxi ?
ME: ok, your a taxi

Not sure how the above will come across in text format but it is funnier verbally.

Haha that reminds me of an episode of Bottom (UK show):

Richie: (after falling down stairs and breaking his leg) "Eddie Eddie, get the ambulance!"
Eddie: (odd look on his face.) "We dont have an ambulance..."

funny stuff itt

Those must be the funniest things I have read in a long time. I always liked those jokes where people say things that seems so obvious although there are times I do the same myself.

reply to post by newcovenant

We can always use a good laugh
Life is too stressful as is.
Good job posting the link.

hahaha great thread! S&F I really liked the last exchange in the OP!!!!

Thanks for the laugh

Brilliant !!! Cheered me up on a dull wet day !! Laughter is often the best medicine. Thanks for posting

haha nice i havnt had a good laugh in some time

reply to post by newcovenant


I hate to derail this but I doubt these are true. At any rate, these types of emails are the worst kind of spam. These aren't written by people to share a laugh. They're forwarded endlessly for good reason. That reason is usually to spread a virus. I hope you don't take this the wrong way as I'm only trying to help, but I highly recommend you do a virus scan asap and not forward this message any further.