Friends with Benefits

I'm a man, and I am sick and tired of women who want to be friends with benefits, I'm sure you know what I mean.

Sure, screwing around is nice, but are there no women left on this planet that actually want a relationship? Have the gender roles totally reversed? When I was younger it was always accepted as a fact, that most women want a relationship, and guys just want to screw around. Well I'm done screwing around, I want a relationship, and all I seem to attract are women (maybe they are only girls, and that's the problem?) who just want to be friends with benefits.

I recently starting messing around with a female friend, and now I learn she wants to keep it at that, just friends that also happen to mess around all the time. Is this what things have become? Does nobody actually want anybody to care for them anymore, or to care for others?

I feel used. I would think that being used for sex would feel good, but it doesn't. It didn't the first hundred times (exaggeration) it happened, either.

I'm not a bad looking guy, but by no means am I ridiculously good looking, So it's not like these girls are looking for a hot guy to screw around with- because that isn't me. I don't pay for stuff, because they wont let me, and instead buy stuff for me all the time, so they aren't gold diggers.

I would say perhaps I just have a terrible personality, but that doesn't make sense either because I was good friends with all these girls before anything happened, and we have always spent a lot of time together.

So what the heck is going on here? Anyone have any insights? Am I just out-of-the-loop and this is what people do nowadays? We're going to be hooking up again tomorrow, and I really just want to tell her to forget about the whole thing after learning she doesn't want a relationship.... but you know.... hard to turn down and all that. Plus I always have this stupid idea maybe it will mature into more than just friends with benefits. Like that will ever happen? Maybe?

I really thought I could get away from this kind of stupid stuff once I left high school MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO but maybe most girls are still in that immature mindset?

I'll stop now. I apologize for bringing this kind of stuff on ATS, I have never really talked about anything personal on here before, but I can't talk with my friends as me and her are trying to keep this a secret, we have the same friends, and I needed to vent to somebody, and perhaps gain some insight. If anyone has any idea what the heck is going on, or if you just want to poke fun, be my guest. Thanks for reading.

What is the matter with you? You better be 40 years old, single and looking to make a post like this. If you are 20 anything put your computer down and go find your friends with benefits!!

There are plenty of girls out there looking for a relationship. You just need to know where to find them.

I had no problems, and I had been in the "friends with benefits situation" prior to that

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
There are plenty of girls out there looking for a relationship. You just need to know where to find them.

I had no problems, and I had been in the "friends with benefits situation" prior to that

I agree with the OP. I've been married for better than 10 years before the relationship went south. Since then, I've found pretty much the same thing. Lots of young girls that want FWBs, and women my age that doesnt seem to care about themselves enough to want to look and feel good about themselves. I dunno what gives here, but it's pretty sickning. Seems like everywhere I look, divorce is the norm and cheating is the reason, now more on women than men. Like the OP implies... where are all the REAL women hiding these days and why does everyone just want to fool around and play rather than enjoy a real life's relationship?

Originally posted by etombo
What is the matter with you? You better be 40 years old, single and looking to make a post like this. If you are 20 anything put your computer down and go find your friends with benefits!!

I ask myself that same question. Like I said, I should be perfectly happy, but something's just missing, it just doesn't mean anything to me. And I'm not 40, I'm a few months away from 30.

If I wanted to screw random women I'd go back to hanging around the bar all the time, but that's just not for me anymore.

I think the upsetting thing is this: By saying she just wants to be friends with benefits she might as well just say "I'd --- you, but not date you" And after more than a few times it's really starting to get to me.

reply to post by James1982


Why dont you try a dating website or dating agency? They do work, I know from experience. Even if you dont end up in a relationship, you may make some friends out of it. If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to make some effort to.

I know lots of women who don't want FWB. Are you meeting women at bars? I know society is getting really twisted up, and it isn't all your fault... but maybe you should take a women into your confidence who isn't one of the "with benefits" friends and ask her to tell you honestly why you're attracting these non-commitment women.

I have a very dear friend who attracted nothing but scum for years, and it is because her own sense of herself was so very low. She finally took some time to herself, became happy with herself & who she was, and then she found a man who treats her like a queen.

So perhaps... you are attracting women who reflect your own self-worth.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth sir.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
reply to post by James1982

 

Why dont you try a dating website or dating agency? They do work, I know from experience. Even if you dont end up in a relationship, you may make some friends out of it. If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to make some effort to.

Nooooooo! Dont do dating sites. Most of the ladies there lie about their sizes and most of them do face shots where you'll never know untill you meet them. THEN they expect you to hang around after hiding who they really were this whole time. I admit, I may not be the best lookin stud in the world, but hey, 90% of those honies just dont/will never do it for me. Everyone hides behind a glam shot or some odd ball picture and it makes you feel like the bad guy when you dont speak to them again. After all, it is they who are hidden behind false pictures.

Funny how that is,right?when i was 16 the friends with benefits stage began,for 3 years i was trying to bang as many chicks as i could,and i went full force till i was a 19,i fell for an 18 year old waitress/student named amanda,super long story short,we went good up until february,until me and my buddies from the air force base went out,got hammered,and i ended up in an unkown apartment with a gorgeous white girl who i couldnt recognize..I jumped out of her bed left her apt waited for a cab got the cab home,i was in the clear,got to our house,pissed in my driveway went inside and crawled into bed about 9 15 a.m on sunday..i remember waking up at exactly 10:02 a.m with her screaming at me and crying...Turns out i had hickies on my neck..pretty stupid of me huh?I've tried dating women to fill the void,but they always end up bieng one night stands,sometimes its more than once,i keep trying to feel the love like i felt with my ex but women nowsdays are just empty,its my fault too though..

Originally posted by theRhenn

Nooooooo! Dont do dating sites. Most of the ladies there lie about their sizes and most of them do face shots where you'll never know untill you meet them. THEN they expect you to hang around after hiding who they really were this whole time. I admit, I may not be the best lookin stud in the world, but hey, 90% of those honies just dont/will never do it for me. Everyone hides behind a glam shot or some odd ball picture and it makes you feel like the bad guy when you dont speak to them again. After all, it is they who are hidden behind false pictures.

Thats not necesarily true. While I wont argue with the fact that it does happen, usually its best to actually meet the person a few times before you actually end up in a relationship with them. So what if they lie about their weight...if they do, then you wouldnt want to be in relationship with them anyway, as trust is the key.

All Im saying is that Ive had success, and seeing as the OP has nothing to lose, then whats the harm in trying?

Even social networking sites will work for you bro.Those things are filled with gorgeous insecure women.They may act confident through a computer,but when you get them in person they are shy and a lot harder to crack..The harder you try the more you learn about the woman the more she'll like you.A good way to solidify a relationship is when you feel the time is right,pull away a little,maybe hang out with another chick,if the girl you like has a problem with it,you're in!

Originally posted by James1982
Sure, screwing around is nice, but are there no women left on this planet that actually want a relationship? Have the gender roles totally reversed? When I was younger it was always accepted as a fact, that most women want a relationship, and guys just want to screw around. Well I'm done screwing around, I want a relationship, and all I seem to attract are women (maybe they are only girls, and that's the problem?) who just want to be friends with benefits.

Do you live on the same planet as me? Address? Galactic coordiantes? Please give detailed directions to Friends-with-Benefits Land. I'm packing my suitcase as we speak.

I feel used. I would think that being used for sex would feel good, but it doesn't. It didn't the first hundred times (exaggeration) it happened, either.

Can't say I agree with you there. It felt great the first 100 times and every time thereafter.

I don't pay for stuff, because they wont let me, and instead buy stuff for me all the time...

Bzzz. Fail. This is your biggest mistake. Never, ever let her pay for anything. Anything. Trust me.

I would say perhaps I just have a terrible personality, but that doesn't make sense either because I was good friends with all these girls before anything happened, and we have always spent a lot of time together.

I don't think you have a terrible personality...but you sound like a "nice guy." (wince). You also seem to perceive minimal gender differences...like the fact that you allow your woman to go dutch or buy you things. That's a big no-no, I don't care what Oprah or whoever says, men and women are not the same and the man should be paying for as much as possible if not everything. It just makes everyone happier in the long run. Embrace the fact that men and women are different, throw off your "genderly correct" absolute tit-for-tat equality thing, and say yes to your masculinity.

So what the heck is going on here? Anyone have any insights? Am I just out-of-the-loop and this is what people do nowadays? We're going to be hooking up again tomorrow, and I really just want to tell her to forget about the whole thing after learning she doesn't want a relationship.... but you know.... hard to turn down and all that. Plus I always have this stupid idea maybe it will mature into more than just friends with benefits. Like that will ever happen? Maybe?

My guess is that if you would just relax and go with the friends-with-benefits flow you would enjoy it. It seems to me you are denying your innate male enjoyment of carnality and sexual conquest for some reason. Men and women react to souless sex differently, whether people want to admit it or not. Hint: Most men thrive on it (even when they think they don't), and most women do not (even when they think they do). The media, academia, and other culture-producing organs have done their best to obscure this embarrassing truth, and the result is a generation of men who don't know how to enjoy their masculinity.

I really thought I could get away from this kind of stupid stuff once I left high school MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO but maybe most girls are still in that immature mindset?

You are still way too young to want to turn down casual, soulless sex, son.

Oh man, I'm going to get some flack for this post, I bet...

reply to post by silent thunder


Some people just crave the love and affection that you get in a serious relationship.Im one of those people myself but theres no way im turning down a FWB offer while im single.

reply to post by VicDiaz89


Yes, we all crave love and affection. Even me. And at different times in your life different things are important, for sure, for different reasons. So I shouldn't be so hard on the OP I guess.

Of course, it is possible to have it both ways. More difficult than brain surgery or rocket science, to be sure...but possible.

reply to post by silent thunder


Im sure the OP is enjoying the benefits part of FWB right about now lol.

reply to post by silent thunder


Well I don't think I'll be turning it down, it was just kind of a knee-jerk reaction after learning about the whole FWB scenario, kind of a "ahh.... not this again" feeling. I'm just tired of it. I'm not desperate by any means, which is why simply hooking up doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I've been there, done that, and I want more now.

Due to certain events in my life somewhat recently I realize life is really effing short, and while partying all the time and hooking up with random women is fun and I don't regret it, I just want more out of life now. Nothing lasts forever, but some things do last longer than others, and those are the things I want.

reply to post by James1982


Are you looking to start a family or get married?

Because that's what it sounds like.

If so, good luck!

reply to post by silent thunder


Some of your posts are so spiritually perceptive and show such wisdom.

And then you come out with something like this I honestly don't know what to think...

Oh well. Men. I will never, ever understand. Evar.

reply to post by Partygirl


I suppose the key is that you have to grasp both the cooperative and the competitive aspects of relationships. Competition within and between the genders. A little sense of humor about the whole thing goes far, too.