Need advice getting back in contact with best friend, need this sorting out as its killing me. Both

Ok I really need some advice here and have really struggled with my best or my X best friend and its driving me mad as despite having a large group of mates this friend of mine means so much to me. This is a long story but I will try and make it as short as possible, I will try shortening it if its just too long for anyone to read but its complicated and writing t all out is something I need to do for myself anyway.

We'll call him for the sake of this Jay.

Ok so me and Jay have been good freinds since we were both about 14. We went to different schools, btu saw each other on weekends haning around town and going to gigs. I even took him on a family holiday to Spain where I was than banned from family holidays as we caused so much mayhem (it was fantastic!)

We bonded mainly through our love for rock music and were like brothers (me being a bit older despite him being much taller than me, by a fair bit!)

Anyway we havent spoken for many months now apart form a couple of emails where we both wert very mature. Jay was in a band that did ok and fell apart, I play guitar and really wanted to play with him but he wasnt sure as our tastes were a bit different (mine changed as I discovered thge music he now played which was sleazy rock) I auditioned and immediately we hit it of musically as started a new band. After about 8 months we had a demo and after just 2 gigs got a support slot at the biggest local gig in Reading (town where we live) and not only that but it was for Hardcore Superstar who are one of our favourite bands ever and where vthe band that got me into Jays preffered style of rock music and thus the band. This was a dream come true but at this point we had a bigger issue that we were falling out over. He wasnt paying for practice or even showing up, if he did he would spend most the time in the toilet getting high smoking heroin. This had become a problem before and after much persuasion and with his families help he kicked it, I was very relieved at the time, however when I called to see how he was doing during his kick it sounded like I wasnt a welcome voice. I thought the friend who helps get their son of heroin would be a very welcome voice indeed. HE later told me that he told his parents that I was also an addict going through the kick when he did! I was shocked at this and demanded to know why and he just said that his mum wouldnt believe him and thinks the whole band do it because he does (in reality he wanted to make it seem less bad by saying everyone was doing it) This is one example of how selfish he can be, but I loved him like a brother still.

Anyway he got back onto it again and our biggest gig of our lives was average, I was just glad that we had no major F ups.Now to party afterwards! He disappears and goes of with his mates who dont use drugs even just to get away from me wh ohas been hassling him about it. I could never understand whyafter being so tight he didnt want to see me anymore.When I saw him it was fine but he was avoiding me all the time.

I then started talking to his girlfriend online a lot. She would call me all the time all day asking me where he was etc. His parents would also call me as I lived on my own (not with parents) so whenever he went to score or do anything he told them he was going to my house. His parents would cal me up and ask to speak to him, I would say he's not here and they wouldnt believe me, I would tell them that I havent spoken to him in days and they didnt believe me which is bizare as I would have no reason to lie if he was, after all they know he was with me aparently anyway? So he was making me look mad and I waws worried his parents might talk to mine at some point regarding my aparent drug addction that me jay and everyone in Reading aparently had developed.

I then find out trhat one morning when him and his girlfriend stayed round my house he thought that I had slept with her because he had to leave for work earlier and she stayed until a taxi came ten mins later. He denied that he thought this but his gf 'Sally' kept telling me when he got drunk he always brought it up. I would never do that and neither would she and eventually he seemed ot beleive me.

Me and Sally now spoke a lot. I vented my anger at Jay as he now could never be reached, never practiced singing or playing with the band and I was worried about his drug problem. He wetn to university purely to use the loan money to spend on drugs and jad to quite after a term, Then it all kicked of,. He hacked into Sallys facebook and saw me going mad at him for all the reasons I have stated, I told Sally as well that she needed to be firm with him to make him stop using as by being a push over he could keep getting high without worrying, He took this a I was trying to break them up. I also slagged his singing off as he never practiced where I had been developing my guitar playing loads to be good enough to carry the band alone without a 2nd guitar. SO anyway eventually he was around my house one day wanting to steal my housemates dvds, shocked I told him no but later found £20 missing from my room. I knew it was him, he had previously stolen my batteries out of my guitar tuner for his mp3 after me telling him I cant afford more (being a poor student myself). When I told him I want the money back he said that I must have put it in the bin by mistake if I left it out in the open which I found very insulting to say the least. This effectively ended our friendship. I went over to his house to demand the money and his mum wrote me a cheque bascially to go away. She looked at her son as if to say 'my son would never steal' dspite the fact that he stole from her all the time, he had also gone to court a few times and they always acted like it was someone elses fault like they couldnt accept that their drug addled son might not be an angel.

Next time we spoke I was warning him that a drug dealer was threatening to attack him at his house to get his parents to pay his debt. I was met with hostility and told to mind my own business when I was just concerned for his safety.

Anyway he finally got clean and stayed away from anyone using drugs, but also all of his old mates regardless. Then started seeing some of his mates, but because of what happened with me coming to his house for money (only £35 I might add) and due to what happened with his gf he doesnt want to talk to me.

Then he saw my girlfriend and asked how I am. She told him that I was very well and had just movedi nto a loverly new flat of my own (certainly not a danger for him to hang around with as I dont drink much at all or use drugs at all in anyway now) she also told him that he should ask me himself online. We talked a little bit, at first it seemed promising then always stops. WE then ended up mad at each other after I grew frustrated at him as now he is clean he seems to think that he is above everyone and has been through an experience thaty makes him mightier than us mere mortals now or something. I reminded him that he still is on opiate substitutes therefore is NOT even clean like he has been bragging like he isSteven Tyler or Vince Neil (you're suppost to get famous then become a drug addict btw it doesnt work the other way around) especially when he no longer has a band and works as a waiter. I offered to get him a job at the computer marketing company I worked for which pays far far better than being a coffee shop assistant or waiter like he was doing. He declined. Living with his parents who charge him no rent he likes to do a job tha he can doss and slack off at. Even if the pays bad he has no bills so ca spend everything.

Basically now I have moved on and have been doing my degree, meeting loadsa new people, started a new band, but tis not the same. I had so much fun with him, we were on the exact same wavelength and I have never met anyone even remotely like that since. WE had such a great time together and had s many laughs. We were so similar we bascially had our own language thats how many inside jokes we had with each other. I found out sinced that from a young age I have been suffering from depression which I am now being treated for.

Despite all the bad things about our friendship during the band together like the drug problem, we also had a friend of ours commit suicide and another die in taxi accident where he was left for dead by the driver who fled abroad and a lot of other dark things to do with the drugs issues he faced
. Despite all of this because he were so close and had such a laugh it was the happiest that I had been in my life, Our friendship left a gap that I just could never fill and I want to try and patch things up or failing that at least work out how to move on becayse at the moment I am really dwelling on this. I fel like I will never be so happy again and have memories of laugjhing so hard that it hurt for ages together and my friends now I can just never have that sort of brotherly friendship with agan.

I know this is stupidly wrong but I wanted to write it out and maybe ask for some advice coz I duno what else t

Well, girls would just straight up say "I'm sorry, I miss you" etc. etc., but guys aren't comfortable being that direct many times.

Maybe bring up one of your fondest memories and mention jamming together sometime.

reply to post by AnIntellectualRedneck


Ive done this before to no avail. Asking him to record with me might work as the song I am doing is one we wrote together and we never got round to recording despite always really wanting to get that track down so im hoping he wont be able to resist. I just need to figure out what it is thats bothering him so much because after being so close I dont get how that bond can be broken over £35 or me trying to get him clean even if he disagred with the way I went about it my heart was in the right place. I feel like I need to put something right first or something but dont see what.

reply to post by clintdelicious


Rather than seek him out, be responsive if he chooses to initiate a new relationship. Let him choose, that would be respectful.

I would consider you to be a good friend to "Jay".....Sometimes things don't work out especially when it comes to music. I was in a band for 4 years and we had some really awesome times and I know what connection it is that your talking about. It seems he may be having some more drug related problems if he does not want to be in contact with you. Logical people do not steal from their friends, they are trying to get money for drugs or whatever. I'm not saying you should give up but you should have patience in the situation. Your friend is probably growing apart from his old life because he is feeling good about himself for not using. Another thing to consider is that I had a friend of mine that had been sober from Heroine for 4 years used once and died.....So this is very important that you do what your heart feels. Act as if you could never see "Jay" again because time is way too short.

reply to post by how2josh


I think u mighht be right. Hr has been clean for well over a year now, but I believe he's still on meds I think he associates the band with drugs (which is his fault and not mine) we were best mates from years before the band though so it wasnt like he was a band mate, he was a friend. The thing is I dont want to sit by and wait because I have lost friends, one who killed himself and he wsa the most upnbeat guy in the world, nothing bothered him or so we all thought until he ended his life and my other friend died in an accident and was left for dead and would have survived had the taxi driver not fled the scene.

Because of this I feel that life is too short for me to leave it and see if we happen to cross paths. I think as well part of it maybe jealousy, I have gone on to do a degree in music business and he is still waiting tables as he ruined his university chances by exploiting the loans to spend the money. He also got better grades than me in school. I tried to tell him at the time to come on this course im doing its exactly what you would want to do working in the music industry but he didnt even enquire purely because I was doing it and he was too stubbern to admit that I had found a great oppotunity. Instead he wanted to act like it was nothing and carried on working in a coffee shop.

Its just confusing for me I cant throw a friendship away after so many years and if anything happened and it was left unresolved I would feel very bad, I feel like it should be the other ay round and he should be asking me for forgiveness too but he wants to act like that past life never existed. TBH I just want an answer. HE used to say yea we can hang out once I get myself sorted out a bit more because he was worried about bumping into people who used to do drugs with him etc but that was ages ago now. HE actually hangs out with my girlfriends best friends boyfriends group of friends (who im told really dont like him) which confuses me a lot. It seems coz of his past reputation people are very weary of him so I would have thought it would have been conforting talking to someone like me who doesnt care about that and wants to move on.

I just find it very hard to have to loose my best friend without knowing why. A reason would make it much easier to accept.

reply to post by clintdelicious

If anything find yourself a closure to the situation. You care about your friend as all friends should after all we are all here to learn about life and each other and some of us connect and some of us don't. I'm concerned about your friend and your well being to be able to find your closure or your reunion to a once great relationship. Good thoughts and perhaps a little self meditation will help you see the situation more clearly. This is what I would do write down your dreams every morning when you wake up and you may find an answer there to the situation. Meditate on these dreams for you may find the answer you seek. But if there is jealousy involved be cautious for that is something to be cautious of. Pay more attention to your thoughts as well and I promise you will find the answer you seek!

I have a friend like that, I also have another friend in a similar position to you (in a band with a heroin addict, no longer friends, on and off addiction etc.), my (limited) advice is to spill your guts to him (hey, if you were as tight as you say then he shouldn't freak) and hope for the best. If he's truly clean and has no beef with you aside from the $35 then it shouldn't take too much to reconnect, some people just have massive egos though and if he won't come to the party then maybe it's not a party you want to be at..

Dude just stay away from him and forget about him.

Junkies destroy their own lives and drag everyone around them down with them. I've seen it happen plenty of times.

Just stay away, and forget him. He will be dead soon anyway. Thinking he's "clean" by taking methadone instead? That doesn't work out in the end.

Sorry to be so harsh but I have seen this exact scenario play out several times. One was my own cousin. Yeah, he's dead now.

Originally posted by CaptChaos
Dude just stay away from him and forget about him.

Junkies destroy their own lives and drag everyone around them down with them. I've seen it happen plenty of times.

Just stay away, and forget him. He will be dead soon anyway. Thinking he's "clean" by taking methadone instead? That doesn't work out in the end.

Sorry to be so harsh but I have seen this exact scenario play out several times. One was my own cousin. Yeah, he's dead now.

I disagree 100%

If his friend is still an addict then maybe he needs someone who really cares addict or not! I've been thru it. I was with an addict and because I helped him sober up he said he owes me. Everyone else had the same attitude as u! I didn't. I knew the drugs were the problem not him. If jay wants to contact his friend and be there for him it just might be what he needs.


Never give up on loved ones!

reply to post by clintdelicious


My advice is to remember the good times.

Doesn't sound like you'll ever be able to go back to how things were...so keep the memories, and move on to creating others...but with other friends.

He may have once been a good friend, but it seems clear these days he's more of a tool (from your own testimony).

Doesn't mean you can't associate with him anymore...not suggesting that...but don't expect it to all magically go back to the good old days...