I Can Feel Again

So I met this girl at work, we went out the other night, we have SO much in common, and I realized, I can feel emotion again! It is SUCH a wonderful feeling, I forgot what it was like, and the reason I'm writing this post is because I can't sleep because of her.

But to project the entire story I'll start at the beginning...

When I was a Freshman in high school, I met this girl, and she was incredible...I was overwhelmed with a feeling I've never experienced! After talking countless hours, I worked up the courage to ask her to the school dance, and afterwards, we started dating. The first year was bliss, and it's a part of my life I'll never forget. We did everything together, we were best-friends!

The second year of us came about, and the feeling was still there, but it wasn't as strong or passionate as the prior year, we fought, had our arguments, but nothing major. Our third year (Our final year at High School)...(I graduated my Junior year, for those who are wondering), was a mix of the first and second year, but with some of the fights escalating to the point where we're threatening to leave each other with the other crying for forgiveness. It was a crazy year, but neither of us were ready to let go, all we knew was each other. Being blinded by a broken heart ,we stuck together, but we were often miserable.

Our fourth year we decided to move in together, and it was like a second wind, it was new, and we were together practically all the time! I had proposed to her, she said yes with the Wedding to be on July 10th, 2011. At that point in time, I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to be a Nurse, like my mother, whom worked in a Retirement Home, so I decided to start as a CNA. Now, mind you, CNA's in my town is about 98% women, and this was grounds for fighting. She always told me she supported me in what I did, but she would ALWAYS ask questions along the lines of "So, who did you work with and what did you do? How many women did you talk to?", which being the only guy on the Nursing staff, I talked to at least 10 different women in a given night, but our conversations were purely about work, however, that wasn't good enough. The fights escalated, and I reached a boiling point, I was done. I gave up entirely, I just couldn't handle the constant guilt, the feeling that, I'm not good enough.

On our 5th anniversary, I packed my bags and left, I came back to my parents who gladly took me back in. I felt almost numb, 5 years of my life, which seemed wasted, my feelings stripped, which resulted in me closing off. At the time, I didn't think it would get worse, but I found out, she had moved into this guys house where she would go all the time, declaring they were just friends...But through the grapevine, I learned she was cheating on me, with him, and that destroyed me completely. I told myself, I would never fall in love again, it's not worth it, the torment and heartache was too much.

I decided to change to a different shift and to the other side of the building, just for something new. I get along with my co-workers, the job isn't bad, the elderly people I care for make my days better, and their insight is nothing short of inspiring. I still maintained the aspect of "I will NOT date again", even with numerous attempts from a couple co-workers, or some bar flies. However, 3 weeks ago, a co-worker had blurted out, she had a crush, and one of her best friends heard her and figured it out (given there are only 2 guys in Nursing, and the other guy is married.) I was lured out by her friend to her car during our lunch break, where I was confronted with my co-worker who told me she liked me! She said that she wanted to go out, so we planned for Saturday, and though I tried saying no, I couldn't, I told her yes. After that encounter, I went back to work, and it never dawned on me what happened...it was as if, it was a dream...Then came Friday, where it all landed on me like a ton of bricks...I'm going on a date! Something that I haven't been on in almost 5 years! I was nervous, anxious, scared, happy, and all the other emotions that tie into that. I asked myself, what did I do??

Saturday came along, it was our date night. Neither of us knew what we were going to do, as she hadn't been on a date in almost 8 years. We decided on Bowling, so I pick her up, and we went to the park instead. We sat at the park from 7pm until about 11pm, went to the bar with some friends, and I noticed she was telling people I was her hot date, and she showed real interest. We had a few drinks, left the bar at 1am, and we went back to the park, where we sat and talked from about 1:30am until 5am! We talked about pretty much everything! I take her home and we part ways, and since I left her house at 5, I cannot stop thinking about her. Granted, we only went on one date (with more planned), but sitting there that night, we both said at the same time that we were content and 100% comfortable. As we kept talking, we both brought up SEVERAL things in common, and it was absolutely amazing. So here I sit now, that wonderful feeling, the fact that, I found someone that made me feel good, and made me realize, I can feel emotions, and that I truly am alive. As I said, though we've only been on one date, there is the hope that it will turn into something amazing.

Moral of the story, the whole "love is random" is totally true, and to be patient and it will find you, one day.

reply to post by abaraikenshi


wait wait wait your 19 or 20 and crying about a past relationship ahhaha wow life is going to get fun for you. Truth is women your age will not settle down so you have 10 more years buddy. Its a harsh truth. Play the field buddy just don't fall in love with the first girl who shows you attention because i know within 2 months you will be hurt again. I know i sound like a jerk and you know better and this is the real thing for sure because you can feel it but since your not fully dating her its not against the rules. I know i know you don't role that way! But you only have one life start living a little huh.

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf
reply to post by abaraikenshi

 

wait wait wait your 19 or 20 and crying about a past relationship ahhaha wow life is going to get fun for you. Truth is women your age will not settle down so you have 10 more years buddy. Its a harsh truth. Play the field buddy just don't fall in love with the first girl who shows you attention because i know within 2 months you will be hurt again.

Congrats on missing the entire point. FYI, I'm 22, she's 26. Just as well, I wasn't crying about my past relationship, and regardless, when you get into a relationship, it's about taking the leap of faith, and if it ends bad, at least I had fun. As for your comment on "play the field", is that your equivalent to sleep with any woman that looks my way? If so, then wow! I'm flattered to have such a classy person as yourself give me advice /sarcasm

Originally posted by abaraikenshi

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf
reply to post by abaraikenshi

 

wait wait wait your 19 or 20 and crying about a past relationship ahhaha wow life is going to get fun for you. Truth is women your age will not settle down so you have 10 more years buddy. Its a harsh truth. Play the field buddy just don't fall in love with the first girl who shows you attention because i know within 2 months you will be hurt again.

Congrats on missing the entire point. FYI, I'm 22, she's 26. Just as well, I wasn't crying about my past relationship, and regardless, when you get into a relationship, it's about taking the leap of faith, and if it ends bad, at least I had fun. As for your comment on "play the field", is that your equivalent to sleep with any woman that looks my way? If so, then wow! I'm flattered to have such a classy person as yourself give me advice /sarcasm

No kid your missing the whole point i was once you! Im 29 now i have watched countless friends get married and have it fail at your age. I used to believe just as you did that if i put my self out there so be the outcome good or bad. I missed the chance to date many women because i was in a relationship and took my relationship to seriously only to have it blow up in my face at your age. It isn't hate or me trying to be a scumbag its a sad relativity that people don't really know what they want until they have played the field a little. i mean for crying out loud you didn't get your high school years to do it. All you have ever known is your ex so do you really know what you want out of a women? Kid your a young professional women are going to throw them self's at you. And im not saying sleep with every one of them ahah you could try but i doubt it would pan out.

That is an absolutely amazing and uplifting story. Very inspiring for the day ahead So many things in this story rings a bell with me, especially the long time of not dating (both you and your new girl) After my gf passed 4.5 years ago, and then meeting an abusive someone who played on that fact for a year or two and made me feel terrible, I decided to step out of dating, work on myself, and wait for someone who is really right. I've had alot of offers and met alot of nice people but still waiting and even though loneliness isn't sadness for me, it does bother my motivation and hopes...

Reading your story first thing this morning was an awesome breath of fresh air! Way to go.

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf

Originally posted by abaraikenshi

Originally posted by pcrobotwolf
reply to post by abaraikenshi

 

wait wait wait your 19 or 20 and crying about a past relationship ahhaha wow life is going to get fun for you. Truth is women your age will not settle down so you have 10 more years buddy. Its a harsh truth. Play the field buddy just don't fall in love with the first girl who shows you attention because i know within 2 months you will be hurt again.

Congrats on missing the entire point. FYI, I'm 22, she's 26. Just as well, I wasn't crying about my past relationship, and regardless, when you get into a relationship, it's about taking the leap of faith, and if it ends bad, at least I had fun. As for your comment on "play the field", is that your equivalent to sleep with any woman that looks my way? If so, then wow! I'm flattered to have such a classy person as yourself give me advice /sarcasm

No kid your missing the whole point i was once you! Im 29 now i have watched countless friends get married and have it fail at your age. I used to believe just as you did that if i put my self out there so be the outcome good or bad. I missed the chance to date many women because i was in a relationship and took my relationship to seriously only to have it blow up in my face at your age. It isnt hate or me trying to be a scumbag its a sad relativity that people dont really know what they want until they have played the field a little.

Alright, with that being said, then forgive me for the insult. I can see what you are saying, and maybe I should play the field, but given this was my first date in almost 5 years, and though it was fun and gives me hope, it's not like we're getting married tomorrow.

After reading what you say, it's something I can't follow, it's one of those things I'll have to experience.

reply to post by abaraikenshi


dude your 22 have a profession and women are going to throw them self's at you!!! I had my own place at 22 i know just wait. Also remember you work with this chick so if it ends badly it will ruin your chances with another girl there and you never know what girl might get a job where you work. So remain cool to her and do not get protective or all jealousy on her. Tell her you both work together and you know how women are so keep the chatter about the both of you to a minimum. Tell her its not that you don't like her its just that you want to keep a professional appearance on the job and don't want whispers or the all female staff talking about you or your relationship and you will do the same for her. Remain sharp she 26 and a female so i'm sure shes got tricks up her sleeve. Most importantly do not let this chick ruin your job the market sucks to find a job right now. Ps not trying to scare you or make you rethink this just telling you to keep it cool.

Originally posted by rogoeiefar
That is an absolutely amazing and uplifting story. Very inspiring for the day ahead

So many things in this story rings a bell with me, especially the long time of not dating (both you and your new girl) After my gf passed 4.5 years ago, and then meeting an abusive someone who played on that fact for a year or two and made me feel terrible, I decided to step out of dating, work on myself, and wait for someone who is really right. I've had alot of offers and met alot of nice people but still waiting and even though loneliness isn't sadness for me, it does bother my motivation and hopes...

Reading your story first thing this morning was an awesome breath of fresh air! Way to go.

edit on 11-7-2011 by rogoeiefar because: (no reason given)

Thank you so much! And I'm sorry about your gf

I understand, as far as bothering your motivation and hopes, as I felt the same way, and after awhile, I just cut myself off, decided to say screw it, I've been working on myself and focusing on the big things in life. When this girl asked me out, the bitterness wanted to say no, but I said yeah, it was so odd, but I don't regret it. As I stated, the thing with relationships is, you have to take a leap of faith, sometimes someone will get hurt, but its the risk we take. The only thing I can offer on that is, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and when we feel pain, we know we are truly alive.

The biggest thing I can offer, though, is be patient, be yourself, and don't be scared to take a chance, it's better to take the chance and fail then to not take the chance and wonder about it for the rest of your life.

You should be very careful dating a co-worker. A botched relationship could end up with sexual harassment charges in a hurry, I've seen it. I work in mental health and any charge like that would blacklist me in that field, and I'm sure in nursing it would do the same thing.

reply to post by abaraikenshi


Abara: Starred and Flagged because it is damned nice to hear a story of hope and heart. From your remarks about the elderly and the profession you have chosen, I know right off the bat that you are a good guy with a good heart.

Reading your account it seems like early on you ran into the trap of falling in love with your best friend, or at least mistaking loving your friend and being loved back by her, so much, for actually being in love with her, at the painful expense of losing your friend in the process.

Does that sound like the voice of experience? It should: I'll be 50 in December.

I don't care if you are seventeen or seventy, those with the biggest hearts will cloak them with the heaviest armor and shields when those hearts are broken.

Age has nothing to do with it.

Age does make five years an eternity when you are young, but when you hit my age, five years is the blink of an eye. Yet the emotions don't care about time compression or expansion, they simply are, and they hurt as bad or feel as good at any age.

Do I think that you think this latest is your end-all and be-all? No. I don't know enough about you to say that, and I doubt it in the first place. I have no advice for you. Only you can advise yourself.

Here's what I think: it is wonderful just to feel alive again that way, and feel the passion and flame again. It is like the ice melt after a long winter, when life returns in full force.

Truly broken human beings sometimes never thaw, never lower their shields or cast aside their armor to take another chance. They get bitter as the years go by. Glad you aren't one of them!

Welcome to Springtime again.