Advice Needed on Restraining Orders

(Mods - Please feel free to move if this is in the wrong area.)

Hi, everyone.

I don't want to go into too much detail on my personal situation, but to put it in a nutshell, I believe I may need to get a restraining order against a man I used to date.

The wonderful folks on ATS are so great at giving advice, I thought I'd see what others thought.

To give some background:
1. Dated the guy over four years ago, but a couple of months ago, contacted me via email. I politely told him I wasn't interested. He became beligerant and verbally abusive. Told him not to contact me again and if he did, I would consider it to be harrassment. He still responded with another abusive email. I didn't respond. The next day, I printed the emails up, and took them to the police department the next day and made a report. I told the police that I simply wanted a formal record in case anything were to happen (murdered, raped, house burnt down, etc.).
2. He lives 10 minutes driving distance from where I live.
3. He does have the potential to be violent. Although he was never violent towards me while we were dating, which lasted not even two months (if even that long). He does have a strange fascination with violence.
4. He contacted me again today via email. I haven't responded.

Now for my question, should I just have the email he sent me today logged into the current police report or get a restraining order against him?

I've never been in this type of situation before and I know many ATSers have helped others through their own personal experiences, so I was hoping you all could chime in and I could make a more informed decision.
Are restraining orders ever helpful or do they only further aggrevate the person?

I know I have to go to the police and have the email added to my existing file, but I want to be prepared with an answer if the officer asks me if I want to get a restraining order against him. Plus, I don't want the officer talking me into something that may not be the best thing for me in this situation. Are there any other options?

The last time he contacted me, I was hoping that if I just ignored him, he'd go away, but I don't believe he's going to give up that easily.

I'd also like to add that I live alone, but with a big protective dog and a trusty .38.

So, ladies and gentlemen, restraining order or no restraining order?

Thanks in advance!
Plus, you never know who else may be going through the same thing and this thread may help them as well

If you fear for your safety, get the restraining order.

But remember, a restraining order won't stop a mentally insane person who can't take no for an answer.

I would look into some extra security like a taser and pepper spray.

You need to get the restraining order. When the Police Officer serves him with the R.O. it'll scare him, and sure he might get angry, but if he wants to keep his job and keep a clean record with the LAW, then he'll behave himself.

If you think the guy is unstable and will potentially do something rash, then keep your .38 handy. Seriously. And if you have a restraining order against him, and you have to shoot him, then your defense will be VERY STRONG. If you don't have the R.O. and you have to shoot him, then your case will be very difficult.

Nobody knows how he'll react, not even him. So be prepared. Go to the shooting range, practice up.

I understand your apprehension, but having him served with a restraining order may just push him over the edge too.
My advice would be to keep your dog close and your gun closer.
The fact that you have registered a complaint with the police will sit well in your favour if you need to shoot the freak.
Having said that, as you dated him, he would be well aware of the dog and the gun, please be careful with yourself and don’t put yourself into any situation where you feel you couldn’t get out of.
Hopefully he will focus on someone else soon.
Stay safe

I'd try replying letting him know that you've been in contact with the cops, that they have the emails/know about the situation, and that you're a step away from filing a restraining order, but prefer he just knock it off so you don't have to go through the hassle. The only thing a restraining order is good for is (besides alerting the person that the step has been taken) comes if/when the guy violates it, but as already mentioned, by the time that's happened, it's already gone too far.

I'd suggest talking to real life friends/family though. No one here will be able to understand the situation enough to know whether you're overreacting or in real danger. Good luck.

Thanks so much for the advice!

There's now no further doubt that I need to get the restraining order. I have a good idea that it's going to push him, but as long as I have my wits about me, I'll be fine. I do realize that if I did have to use lethal force that I want all the proper paperwork signed and dotted.

Thanks again, folks, for your caring and supportive advice!

((((((Aftertought))))))

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You've done all the right things so far, to document his "obsessive", unwanted attention Better safe than sorry is my motto. Yes, do add his continued contact to your existing report.

You never know that makes a stalker tick. Yes, he is stalking you. His actions show he has no concern for what YOU want, or not want. He's made it quite clear, that what HE wants, is all that counts to him. Unstable does come to mind. Your safety should not tiptoe around his state of mind.

I've worked with a fantastic online Womans Abuse forum for about the past 8 years. This is a subject that comes up frequently...especially when attempting to leave/break-off an unhealthy relationship. As in your case, it's worse, as he seems to think you are in a relationship, when you are not. You've let him know, very bluntly you are NOT interested in any kind of communication with him. His aggressive badgering of you, is not normal.

Yes, a restraining order may very well be the next move. I would like to invite you to come to our forum, you don't need to join to read. To post does require registration. We are International in membership. u2u me should you care for the url. There are many caring, wise in these matters, people to help in any way they can, with their own personal experiences in cases like yours.

Bright Blessings,

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


Thanks for the invite to your forum!
I sent you a U2U requesting the name of the site. Like I said, I've never had to deal with someone of this magnitude before and would like the extra support.

reply to post by Afterthought


Restraining order, if you feel he's not going to stay away. Lots of paper work and home info about him needs to be provided, and possible speaking in front of a judge or at least petitioned to the judge, to be signed. E-mail printed contact attached to the paper work. All depending on where you live... with the order if he comes in 100 feet of you he can be arrested.

Be safe!

reply to post by Cryptonomicon


I agree with Crypto., If you can't carry the .38 on you, I would definitely have some pepper spray on you at all times. and for additional security install a security system in your home. Sounds like this guy is obsessed with you, good luck and hope everything goes well.

Originally posted by Afterthought
reply to post by Destinyone

 

Thanks for the invite to your forum!
I sent you a U2U requesting the name of the site. Like I said, I've never had to deal with someone of this magnitude before and would like the extra support.

Info sent to you....

Be Safe,

Des

reply to post by WeRpeons


Thanks for responding and, yes, I do have my concealed permit, so the .38 will be on my person.

reply to post by Destinyone


Please help her to get specific help, as you know some places, an actual act of violence has to occur first that is what I have heard.

Aterthought,

You "owe" him nothing. No heads up about your going to the police. No Contact is the order of the day. Often times, letting a stalker "know" ahead of time that THEIR unwanted actions have instilled fear in you, gives them a charge of power over you. Nope don't let his happy azz know anything. Just file for the restraining order.

No Contact...out of sight out of mind. Any contact from you is feeding his obsession with you. Any contact regarding you, should only come from someone in a legal position.

Des

reply to post by Afterthought


uh oh packin some heat!! I hope you don't have to use it stay safe.

reply to post by Destinyone


I just checked out the site and added it to my favorites. Very clean and easily navigatable site I'm sure many of the people who visit the site never expect to be in the situation they're in.

I'm glad I was also able to share with you more specific info that I cannot add to the thread so you know I'm being serious that he is unstable. No question about it.

Originally posted by Afterthought
reply to post by Destinyone

 

I just checked out the site and added it to my favorites. Very clean and easily navigatable site

I'm sure many of the people who visit the site never expect to be in the situation they're in.

I'm glad I was also able to share with you more specific info that I cannot add to the thread so you know I'm being serious that he is unstable. No question about it.

Thank You for sharing...what you've told me, automatically puts him in the dangerous category.
You are thinking with a clear head. Just be "aware" of your surroundings. Listen to to your "gut". Our intuition is our best guide sometimes. First and foremost...Stay Safe.

Des

Buy yourself a pitbull, there good at restraining unwanted men.

reply to post by Afterthought


Just checkin' to see if you're ok...it's been a couple of days, please respond
kindest regards
a

reply to post by Afterthought

Yes, by all means, get the restraining order, but be aware, some judges will not issue such an order unless violence/abuse/assault has already happened. Also, be aware that a restraining order is nothing but an order from the court not to come within some may feet, usually 100 feet, and the order will, do nothing to stop a determined individual from getting to you. Police will respond a little faster if such an order is on file, but you still may be hurt, and none of us wants that to happen. My advice is get yourself a Taser. These things can paralyze a grown man for 15 minutes, plenty of time for the cops to come. Please protect yourself, dear, I have helped a lot of women in your situation. Some men become so obsessed with a woman, and some are psychotic and quite capable of murder. My own wife was almost murdered by her ex-husband, after years of verbal abuse. She now has an old boyfriend after her, and he raped her when they were teens. This is not happening to only you.