What is an appropriate age range for dating? ATS help me out here

reply to post by Agarta


Are you serious? Have you ever met an ordinary 20 year english girl? I don't want to begin to point out all the psychological flaws mate...

reply to post by Jepic


Yep and American ones and German ones and French ones and Russian ones and Italian ones.
And you are right for a portion of the pie, but it actually balances you both out if you both have a real head on your shoulders. But the only way to find out is to date. He is not asking if he should marry.

Originally posted by Jepic
I'm not gonna lie. It's weird because she is still virtually a teenager. Let's be straight. You can't call a 20 year old an adult. I'm 20 years old myself and so I speak for everyone when I say that this age doesn't feel like an adult no matter how psychologically mature you are. With my age you are just beginning to experience life. With 20 years you have your mates, girls and so many things that can distract you. This age is unreliable.

But its your call.

edit on 3-4-2011 by Jepic because: (no reason given)

I hear what you are saying, definitely. But I think it may just be some in this generation that are naive and helpless at that age.

When my grandmother was 20 she had four kids, a husband and worked manual labor on a farm to survive.

reply to post by BlackOps719

I know if I had a 20 year old daughter, I wouldnt want her dating some 34 year old guy.

Hmm, then you must 'practice what you preach' or become a hypocrite I'm afraid. Simple.



Personally, I think you're just thinking far too much about what others will opine - stop letting others determine your actions and go with what you feel is the "right" thing to do...be that ultimately for you or her, is another issue of course.

Regards.

age is just a number

Originally posted by BlackOps719
reply to post by Akragon

 

Well....it just makes me nervous.

I know if I had a 20 year old daughter, I wouldnt want her dating some 34 year old guy.

Just seems like it would be wrong, like I would be a dirty old man or something...hehehe. I dunno.

Very easy: just avoid being a hypocrite.

I wouldn't want the same either, so I'll stay clear of those kinds of situations. There's no questions then.

Look at it this way, when you're 80 she'll be 66. Would it matter THEN?

I think a persons maturity level is more important than their age, and that is dependant on their experiences up to this point. Some people have lives to where they kind of HAVE to mature faster. Get to know her to the point where you can make a good judgement call as to whether or not her experiences in life would make her more mature than her age.

14 years isn't that much of an age difference at this juncture in either of your lives, but if her maturity doesn't compensate for that, you might be in trouble.

You also mentioned that she's been stepping up HER advances a lot more. Personally, I would question that. Why is she so hot to trot, you know?

Dude I have never have a girl but look if she is the right girl for u go for it. My dad dated my mom when he was 30 and she 24. As a result they have a very happy marriage. Many people couldn't find the right girl or guy and get a lot of unhappy relationship. My advice go for her she seems to be the only girl that was right for u

Wow, thoughtful and introspective. I am impressed by your maturity, thinking beyond just the superficial. It is possible this is a soul connection as you speak of connecting on a certain level. I am just wondering about the way she might be coming on to you. Maybe she views you as a conquest? I would explore this further to determine if she has ambitions beyond the sexual as you seem thoughful about this in a way that leads me to believe you do not view this as just a hook up. What her intentions are if you know them might be helpful to you if you preceed. The brain does not stop developement until 24. That said, I read once that we do not value the intensity of young love that might succeed if it were more supported by culture. There must be merit to this as so many return to that first Love later in life if the opportunity comes along.

Myself - I fell very hard for a boy that was 17 when I was a mere 15 - it was earth shattering and we were kept apart by a misunderstanding caused by another's lie. I never got over him, my first Love lost. Now, he has come back into my life some 30 years later and we have discovered had we only communicated those many years ago both our lives would have been different and we would have probably known epic Love. Alas then the time was not right. I am happy to report the Universe has provided another chance.

So the message that I can contribute is . . . communicate with her. Find out her intentions. Tell her you are attracted to her, but you are concerned about the age difference. You could start by asking if you are misunderstanding her - she may be relieved you open the door of communication. From that point on you will know so much more, what she is up too, what she might intend. Then you can contemplate how to proceed.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Be honest, be yourself. You will know.

I appreciate all of the input and advice guys and gals.


Im just going to take things as they come and see what happens.

reply to post by BlackOps719


you need to hurry up and take something before she moves on bud...dont wait too much longer or the oppurtunity will pass...but if you do,dont be expecting a serious relationship from her cuz it probably wont happen...yeah u 2 will have fun gor a bit then some hot younger stud will come along and it may be over before u know it...i have seen it first hand....my buddy was 31 and she was 21 and he had fun but he got his heart broken because he wanted to be serious and she ended up moving on quick to a younger guy that only ever wanted to party and not be an adult...so just be careful and dont get too attached...good lick...oops,i mean good luck bud

Well I don`t know enough about your situation, but you said a "young" 31? So does that mean you could pass for 25 or is your youth more in your attitude? If you look young enough, you shouldn`t get too many looks out in public. Her parents are a different matter. I would only date her if you are gonna be serious and think there is a chance for true love. I had a situation similar to yours, but I met her when she was 17 and I was 29, so about the same difference. We waited until she turned 18 (it was only 2 and a half months) and began dating on her bday and married a year later and are having our 1st baby now. I had it hard because she comes from a traditional cambodian family who was nice for the most part but her mom wanted her to have an arranged marriage to some guy who was 24 when she was 17, so I was only 5 years older so I didn`t feel too bad since she was ok with her daughter marrying a 24 year old, and I was someone she actually wanted. I`ll admit it was a little scary at first, but I`m glad I took a chance. But like I said, don`t mess with her heart unless you are going to take care of it for a while. Before making this decision, you have to realize that dating a younger girl actually requires more patience and experience and understanding than an older girl would. That being said, if you feel like she could be "the one" then I suggest you go for it. And even if it doesn`t last forever, it could still be a great relationship that brings you both a lot of joy. And it could still be true love. True love, and "together forever" are two different things...

I SAY: Go for it! I'd take it really slowly, but who cares what people think.
As long as her father dosn't own a shotgun you should be fine....

Kidding....btw, i gave u the s&f just for the hell of it.

My phone was getting a lag effect because of the amount of text... Anyway, you need to stop thinking about "what you would want Your daughter to do". Once she is 18, it no longer matters what you want and that is something you have to deal with. I would like to think that when I have a daughter that I`ll be happy if she is able to find someone who loves her and treats her as good as possible and makes her happy. Too many parents think about what makes them happy, and completely disregard their own child`s happiness. It`s ignorant to judge someone based by their age. Me and my wife have both been through a lot in life, and I know she was more mature than 80% of the girls I have dated before at the time I met her. I was just beginning to mature. In fact, I still get mistaken for a 19 or 20 year old when I buy alcohol. So we don`t get any weird looks when we go out, other than maybe the fact that she`s asian and I`m white, and she`s 5` 4" or 5` 5" and I`m 6`, which isn`t really that much of a difference. From day one we never questioned our feelings or even had a talk about our age difference, we just both followed our hearts. The way I felt and still do is that we are perfect together and neither of us had a choice in the matter, as soon as we met we just felt that connection. And people are going to have their opinions, but they will have them no matter what you do, so worry about your own happines and if you truly love this girl, then more importanly, hers. I could care less what anyone thinks, I know I`m not a perv (pretty straightlaced nerd, actually) and so does she and that`s all that matters. Noone else has any idea what goes on, they just assume the worst because they have dirty minds themselves... Don`t let their perverted minds cause You to feel shame. Just do everything legal and you`re ok. I just celebrated another anniversary recently and I can say I`ve never been happier... Deny Ignorance!

Personally I think it's a bad idea. She will leave you eventually to do things other people in their 20s are doing.
You're in for a broken heart. For gods sake don't have a baby, you'll just be taking her freedom and she will resent you for it. She's too young to settle down.

Originally posted by TheBirdisDone
The brain does not stop developement until 24. That said, I read once that we do not value the intensity of young love that might succeed if it were more supported by culture. There must be merit to this as so many return to that first Love later in life if the opportunity comes along.

edit on 3-4-2011 by TheBirdisDone because: (no reason given)

That's very interesting. Do you have any source?

reply to post by BlackOps719


A woman of age 20 is capable of making the decision on her ownd and you are as well.


Age is nothing but experience of life that is all.

My wife is older than me. Does it make it wrong. No

Don't worry if it was meant to be it will happen regardless of what opinions people have.

Love concurs all. And if it is true love for her and you than it will happen regardless of age.


Good luck to you both...

Depends what you are looking for really. The 14 year age gap is no small gap, no matter how mature she is for her age. I am 26 and wouldn't look for a relationship with a 20 year old, unless it was more of a fling.

My step dad was 14 years older than my mom when they married, i was 3 at the time. Their marriage lasted for 12 years, and the last few years were rocky. It was because they were at completely different points in their lives. He was starting to slow down and think of retirement, she was just beginning to make strides in her career. Etc etc...

I say, have fun, if that is the intention. And don't put to much emotional energy into it. At the same time, who am i to suggest roadblocks to a potential relationship. Just my .02

I'm gonna reply to you as a 34 year old female who remembers exactly how it was to be 20.

When I was around that age I was only attracted to older men and I mean waaay older, 40 or above. It wasnt because i needed another 'daddy' but because I couldn't connect to guys my own age, they all seemed so childish.
Maybe this girl feels exactly like I did.

On the other hand, girls around age 20 do not fully think like mature women yet. Things that are meaningless to you may still be very important to her and usually this becomes a problem. At 20, as a girl, you are still vunerable and it's very important that you as a 34 year old man keep that in mind. She might think she's all grown up, but she isn't, not fully.

on a 3rd note, I have a 13 year old daughter myself and I don't think I would be comfortable with her dating a man that is 14 years older then her. My husband would take out the rifle if he heard about something like that when it involves his own daughter. (I'm not kidding.... I pitty the first boyfriend who dares to step inside our gate.)

So do I think it is ok? To you I want to say "yes", if there are true feelings involved and your not just doing it to get down with a pretty young girl, go for it.

But as a parent I honestly struggle with the above.

The above is a good expression of what the relationship would be like...and as you can see, it would likely be a short-term thing (which may be ok for you, and her, for all I know)...

It depends on where each of you are in your "life experience"

Personally, I think this advice is right on the money. There is no magic number difference, and this changes as we go through life.

For example, while a 10 year old and a 16 year old are only 6 years different, you certainly couldn't imagine either of them sharing interests (or anything else). Yet, a 34 yr old and a 40 yr old would have a lot more in common, and nobody would even blink an eye at such a difference.

Now, in your case (OP), it will look like dirty older man syndrome...nothing you can do about it, just the way it is...but if you're both happy with it, shouldn't matter what others think. Just don't expect it to last though....as her 20 yr old outlook on life and yours will be very different.