I never forgot. My first short story! Part 1&2

I never forgot

A Husband (john) of 15 years to a beautiful wife and father of three kids is on the line. The father is on a thin line of success and failure in every aspect of his life. His job is on the line and his marriage is on the line. The father’s life is also on the line because of his actions in the past. Every decision the father has ever made has made his life either successful or a world of failures. His latest dilemma is with his wife of 15 years. John made some decisions in his late teens that are directly affecting his life today. When john was 18 he decided to take part in the sales of illegal drugs. This was a huge mistake for john and an even bigger problem for his future. John started out making $100,000.00 a week for about the first six months he was dealing drugs. A problem arose when John spent more money than he could bring in to support himself. This problem also meant that he could not pay the dealers for the drugs he was buying. He could not pay for anything and he was in debt more and more everyday.
John moved to another state and got out of the drug business. In a new town and a new state John met a girl. This girl became John’s girlfriend and they got married and had three kids. This is where John’s past decisions start to make him realize how important life is. John’s wife was actually involved in the drug business at the same time he was. Although, John does not know this about his wife’s past. John owed a large some of money to some but did not pay them. Instead, he moved and found his wife and went on with his life. John’s wife was actually a drug dealer that dealt drugs throughout the United States. His wife is the person who he was supposed to pay through her street dealers. Her street dealers were then supposed to give her the money. John’s wife knew this all along and she still remembers that he has not given her the money.
John is asleep and it is 3:00am when he wakes up from hearing a window break. John grabs his knife and walks through the house. Not finding anyone or anything but a broken window he goes back to bed. John falls asleep and his wife steps out of the closet with a gun and says “I never forgot John, I want my money” BOOM! John’s wife shoots him in the head and then shoots herself.





PART TWO

John’s neighbors heard the gunshots and called the police. The kids (Rob 15, Jess 14, and Troy 13) woke up from the gun shots and ran to John’s room. John’s neighbor arrives just before Rob, Jess, and Troy enter the room of their parents. John’s neighbor explains that everything is going to be okay and tells the kids to be calm. Police arrive and enter the house to investigate the scene. As soon as the kids see the police officer and ambulance outside they start crying as they know exactly what has happened. John’s neighbor takes the kids to his house to care for them and comfort them.
John’s kids are now at the neighbor’s house sitting in the living room. They are talking with the neighbor and trying to figure out what exactly has happened. The neighbor starts explaining to the kids in the best way that he can what is happening. The kids are calm but still crying as they know something really bad has happened. John’s neighbor gets the point and says “I am sorry to tell you this and this are really hard for me to say, your parents are no longer with us. The kids get up and start crying even more and huddle up to hug each other.
John’s neighbor walks over to the kids and hugs them and tells them that everything is going to be ok. You kids can stay with my wife and I until things get straightened out. Just as John’s neighbor tells the kids they can stay with him a paramedic calls the neighbor outside. The paramedic explains that John is in critical condition but not dead. They are going to rush John to the hospital and asked if he and the kids would come to the hospital.
John’s neighbor and the kids are at the hospital waiting to hear from the doctor. As the doctor walks out of the room he has a look of confusion on his face. The look on his face makes the kids start to cry again. John’s doctor grabs the kids and hugs them and whispers into each of their ears. The doctor whispers “Your father is alive but will be in the hospital for some time for monitoring.”
TWO YEARS LATER
John and the kids are now living in the same state but in a different city. John has brain damage from the gunshot wounds but can still function. Johns and his kids are living life and thank God everyday that they are still together as a family. John’s wife died when she shot herself.
The kids are doing well in school and John has a well paying job that is sure to comfort him and his kids in the future.

reply to post by kid_cudi


Just when it got intresting she kills him...and herself

Will some body please think of the children!

That was getting interesting there.. you need to re-do the ending. Make it more interesting than shooting him then killing herself. That story has potential with the right ending.

reply to post by PsychoShado


I am writing part two as we speak sorry for not specifying there is two parts.

reply to post by kid_cudi


You know this story is not bad. The thing is , you can use what you have written here as a plot for the story. It's quite an intresting one.

What you should do is expand on it, ad to it, write how the kids feel, how John felt betrayed by his wife ...

Example : Johns nieghbour, you can give him a name, add a discription to him. Maybe he is great friend of Johns family and he might have been neighbours with them for a long time... so on and on.

This could be an excellent story if you add descriptions of the characters and their emotions, and more information. If you want to expand on the story, good luck! I hope to see it on a shelf in a bookstore some day

reply to post by Mentalistbee


Thanks very much. I actually wrote part one to see peoples reactions to my writing ablities and then said okay I'll do part two lol and now I've gotten so many ideas for parts 4,5,6 and beyond.

I am going to continue this story piece by piece and I will be adding part 3 sometime tonight. This is basically the intro to my story. Like how they show a scene from the end of the movie in the beginning and then the real story starts. Something like that!


Also if anyone would like to contribute or add anything to this story feel free to write your part. Send it to me in a u2u and I'll read it and approve it if it's good. I'll give you full credit for your part also.

PART 3 sorry it wouldn't let me edit post again. So I'm adding it this way.

The neighbor of John who saved the kids from seeing what their mother did was Johns childhood friend. The neighbor (Joey) was johns best friend when they were children. John and Joey grew up together and went to highschool together. Joey moved away for college and that's when John decided to get into the drug business. Joey finished college and got his degree and opened his own car dealership. Johns wife was a drug cartel leader in the U.S. At the same John dealt drugs. They did not know eachother. Johns wife (sherry) was born into the drug business and started right after middle school. Although they didn't know eachother at the time they both dealt drugs John would soon findout that he doesn't like the drug business. John left the business moved into the same neighborhood as Joey in a different state. John was there for about a year when he found sherry. They dated for 2 years and got married and had 3 kids. All 3 kids went to grade school and Middle school and Jess and eventually High School. Each of them graduated and went on to take over Joey's Dealership.


This is just an insert that I have done to get your input about the description if the characters and what they do! Let me know what you think and if you want you can write about the characters and change it up
In your own way.

Thanks.

reply to post by kid_cudi


It's pretty good, you should come up with a setting

reply to post by Mentalistbee


Thanks. That's what I'm having trouble with. Any suggestions for a setting? You can add a setting to it If you'd like.

reply to post by kid_cudi


Well do some research, first of all, since John got into drug dealing, look for a state or suburb that is known for drugs/drug dealing.

The setting of this story takes place in Miami, Florida as that is the Drug capital of the world. The beach, the women, nice cars, bars, clubs, and the constant partying that goes on in Miami led John to get involved in the drug business. The year is 2007 in the story. It starts out in 1972 when John was 18 and joined the drug trade business. Then it goes on to John moving to Kansas city, Kansas where his friend Joey lives. Johns wife
Lived in Kansas city which explains how they met because he moved and about year after moving to Kansas city he met her.

I would also like more input and feedback on this story and what you think about it! Is the story
Getting better with what I have added or is just Getting worse. I'm seriously thinking about turning this story into a book after I complete the story.

Thanks,


Kid_cudi

reply to post by kid_cudi


It's a great story cudi! I think you should make it into a book. I was going to say you should add some thing that conects John to joey, but you already did that

reply to post by Mentalistbee


thanks. Ive already gotten it cleaned up and typed and saved and now I'm just brainstorming more ideas untill I can come up with something. Or maybe I just need to sit down and start Writing again.

reply to post by kid_cudi


For sure! Also you can watch a bit of tv for ideas, and don't forget to take notebook every where you go, just incase an idea pops into your head

reply to post by Mentalistbee


exactly what I'm gunna do

im am not trying to start anything but i did read this and so far there are some holes in your story...now dont take this the wrong way...when reading this not alot of things actually added up...first waht is the moral of the story? thres always gotta be a moral...another if he was a drug dealer right with me so far? now if he was and he was making 100,000$ a week? thats alot of drugs!!! especially back 40 years ago...that would be like 1,000,000$ in our time...and you say he is a dealer and he got his drugs from another dealer? now this is the problem i se with this...

i have actually dealt drugs in my past..not to this extent but i was in the stuff non the less..and im saying you wouldnt get this much drugs from another dealer...he would get them from a supplier...straight from a cartel organizations...im not trying to put it down just it sounds like you really dont know how this stuff works bud..at least research drug dealing and how things work..and what drugs was he dealing? there are so many different ones but blow wasnt really around until the 80's so what was it...cuz what im saying if it wasnt blow it couldnt be weed because that would be a whole lotta weed. it probably wouldnt be dope because that was more a northeast,west coast drug..not so much miami.especially in the 70's...lets see meth really was around at all at least not in those amounts...so honestly realistacly there wouldnt have been that kinda drugs around a that time or in that amount..

now for spending more than he earned..even if he was selling some sort of drug and he was making what would be 1,000,000$ in todays money how the hell was he spending more than he was bringing in? was he doing his own drugs? was he gyvyng them away? what was he spending all this money on? another thing...how did he end up owing so much money to these other people? thers no way that any smart drug dealer and yes drug dealers are very smart would ever front this much to one person! and lets say it did happen if john didnt pay back the other guys then he wouldnt have had to worry about his wife shooting him..he woulda been dead before he a had a chance of even thinking about moving! have you never watched SCARFACE???? just some advice if youre gonna write a story about drugs please at least make them a little believable please??? and thank you

reply to post by gdaub23


I've already gotten it figured out and retyped and changed some things. Thanks for the input though there is some good advice I'll be using.


Im not sure if I said it or not but his wife was actually a drug cartel leader. Although they didn't know eachother at the time she was who he was indirectly buying the drugs from.


Also I said 100,000.00 which is (one hundred thousand dollars and no cents) a week which is very possible as I have seen it done.

Now I'm not trying to be a *SNIP* but you should actually read the story again and restate your opinion as you have made some assumptions with incorrect accuracy about the story.

The whole point of this was to get peoples help and Input. It wansnt supposed to be perfect the first time.

Sorry if some things didn't add up Mr. Former drug dealer.
Although I don't give the reader every single detail because he or she has a brain that they can use to kind of picture the story in their own way. That's what makes it interesting . Not everyone sits there and breaks down every sentence like you just did. And I dont know anyone who would do that besides liberals.



To be honest it's a story! That's why it's called a story. Anything and evrerything can happen. It's up to the reader to make sure he or actually knows how to read and remember facts about the story