Have You and Your Spouse Become Roommates ?

Maybe once you've been together twenty or so years you shouldn't expect to have a fiery romance.

Not all the time...no, but once in a while, yeah, there should be some nights with fireworks.
Such a couple should be able to have a romantic evening out (or in) and enjoy it, even after twenty years.

What people tend to forget, or rather, just not think about is that relationships = work. Active involvement and active commitment by both people, to sustain them. Relationships are ever-evolving, which way that goes is in the hands of those involved.

reply to post by Gazrok


Those are some serious challenges. You have to expect some disruption to deal with that kind of emotional trauma. Just keep loving her, whilst stating how you feel about the situation. I think it will resolve for the good. Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8).

Originally posted by peter_kandra
Interesting topic, and some very valid responses. This May I'll have been married to my wife for 17 years, and together for several years before that. There's been ups and downs, but definitely more good times than bad. I think a big problem today is that people just expect a marriage to work without putting any effort into it. Its really like a garden. If you water it, and weed it and pay attention to it, it will grow and flourish. If you don't, it will gradually wither away. Just like a garden, people grow and change over the years. I'm not the same person at 42 that I was at 22, or even at 32. It's unrealistic to expect that your spouse won't change either. Couples need to take time out from their busy life to just enjoy each other. Date night once a week or doing silly little things together will keep the passion alive and not allow you to become 2 people living separate lives. To all the people in that situation now, ask yourself what made you fall in love with your spouse. Have an open and honest talk with them. Maybe they feel the same way but are afraid to say something or maybe they have a different perspective on how things got where they are. A marriage doesn't get into trouble overnight and it won't get repaired overnight. It's Friday, and hopefully the start of a marriage rekindling for some. Good luck.

What a wonderful post thank you! Your idea of date night sounded so good i asked my husband if we could do that once a week and he said sure sounds like fun so wed night is our new date night! I admire everyone that's kept there marriage together for so long almost all my friends are divorced and they weren't even married 2 years i asked them what happened and i got we got tired of each other i find that so sad..

Originally posted by fredgbear
My wife and I have just "celebrated" twenty years of marriage.....ho hum. It seems we are more of companions these days. The children have become the main focus. I still love her....but....

Congratulations on twenty years of marriage that's a long tI'me..I don't have kids but i can see how the kids would become the main focus I'm sure id probably be the same way and they would probably hate me in for interfering i know Ive told my parents i love you but I'm all grown up now thanks for the reply!

Originally posted by HippyBlue
Good topic.

My husband and I are looking forward to our 15th anniversary in May. It's been a long, sometimes hard, but joyful journey, and we're nowhere near done yet. I do believe it's true that our modern technology can divide families if we're not careful about it. A typical weeknight at our house would look like this...our kiddo has his video game time, I might be catchin' some tv I enjoy, and hubby may be chatting online in another room. An hour later, the three of us are playing a boardgame together, or some other activity. At other times, one might be reading, the other drawing, and the husband is out on the Harley. It's healthy for all members of a family to have their own interests, what's important is that ample time is made to commune together as a family as well. And let's not forget about date nights for parents! We as loving couples and parents need to lead our children in this way...they need to know what healthy loving relationships are all about.

*steps down off soapbox*

Thank you for the reply..I like what you had to say and i agree we need to spend ample time together as a family and i know sometimes that can be hard we all have our own interests..

Peace and love to ya'll

Originally posted by Gazrok
I love my wife, and she loves me.
But, we've had a lot going on lately in our lives, and it's really kind of caused the "roommate" condition (at least temporarily).

First off, she's got a chronic pain condition. I'm a very sexual guy, but I "get it" that she isn't going to be up for all that, that often, and I've come to terms with that. However, lately there have been even more "things" clouding our lives lately. But, like most husbands, I can usually count on "certain" holidays for that kind of thing (Anniversary, Valentines Day, Birthday). Nope, none of those for me lately.

Her mother went into a coma about 6 months ago. Since then, her life has revolved around checking in on her each day, comforting her mom's partner (lesbian relationship for over 26yrs), etc. Ok, I get that too, and I feel for her...I really do. But, at the same time, a) her mom has caused her a LOT of grief in her life (too much to even mention here), and b) she really wasn't that close to her at all. In addition, yes, I know it's her mom, but she's in a coma...there's really not much that a daily visit is going to do. In the meantime, we have a life to live too...but my wife wouldn't go along with it. She's alienated friends, and even me a bit, during all of this.

I actually got her to go on a cruise recently, mostly because we had already paid for it, and that helped some...but there was one night we got into an argument. She was telling me she felt like I was somehow distant. No, really? Gee, is it because maybe I went from being the most important person in her life to the THIRD (behind her mom and her mom's partner) most important? She said that hurt her. And it doesn't hurt me? Really? She just can't accept it's true...and yet for these months, any of my needs (any needs, not talking just sex here) came third (and were usually simply discarded). And if I tried to communicate on it, I'm seen as some kind of monster with the "Well, your mom isn't in a coma" retort. Does that make me any less her spouse or a person?

To make it worse, her mother died (on Valentine's Day..so now that holiday is pretty much forever ruined) a couple days after getting back from the cruise (and one of our cats was attacked by dogs and killed just before the cruise). We spend days making the arrangements (though it did help in mending fences with our wonderful friends), and the day after the funeral, she gets in a car accident. (car is totaled, but she is just banged and bruised a bit). So, just more fuel to the "me, me, me" fire she's got going.... Now, granted, I love and care for my wife, but at some point, there's got to be some reciprocation here and she has to realize that she isn't the only one getting shafted here...this is getting beyond ridiculous.

I hate to say it, but I think her mom's passing will help. For starters, her mom isn't in pain anymore, and they won't have to make that Terry Schiavo decision. Also, her life won't revolve around visiting the hospital or nursing home. Also, I'm sure reconnecting with friends will help... I just hope I can endure the time it's going to take to try and get back to some degree of normalcy here. Am I just way off base here though? Am I being a monster or insensitive? I try to be the good husband, I really do. I do love her, but man, there's only so much "worse" one can take in the "for better or worse" vow. Anyhoo, just needed to vent, I'm always the optimist, and I'm sure things will improve...just man, it sucks during the process.

edit on 25-2-2011 by Gazrok because: (no reason given)

I'm glad you were able to open up and tell us about whats going on in your life..And i must say you have alot on your plate..I don't believe your a monster or insensitive you sound like a man that has a big heart and loves his wife very much ..I hope it all works out in the end and I'm sure it will ..I'm also glad that venting here has helped some..I was very leary about starting this thread but I'm glad that i did

I've been married 4 years and we have been together almost 10. We are definitly room mates. We have a 2 year old and that keeps us busy, I think if it weren't for our focus on her, our interests would have torn us apart by now. I cook dinner one week, he cooks the next. We share turns cleaning the house, picking up baby, and doing other ho hum tasks. We spend little time talking about things outside of our to do's simply because we spend so much time at work that there's not much we haven't covered. We are responsible with our money so we don't argue about money or anything... What went wrong? Nothing I can pin point for sure. We just have been too caught up in work and what time we have away we spend dividing our attention between our daughter and relaxing (television, internet). Did I mention how difficult winter is? ugh. I wish I could say that I believe in real, deep, unending love and all that but I must say I don't think it's going to come from marriage. Wow, that might make a stir, but don't mind me, it's just my opinion. Now that that's over with I am going to put my blinders back on and go about my day like I didn't just see the truth.

Originally posted by coolhanddan
Even my girlfriend and I fall into this trap now and again. We talk openly about it and make plans to solve the distance issue, like planning a trip alone together or just doing something alone with each other that promote conversation. That is what a relationship is, right, communication?

I believe most of us, speaking for the 20-40 year olds, grew up in dysfunctional families (50% divorce rate) like I did and have to relearn how to have a relationship that is productive and successful. If courtship was longer maybe you could for see these problems sooner and not made such a commitment, on this track these relationships will end in divorce unless change is applied.

At this point you have to really be honest with yourself and your partner about the situation. I had really good advice from my grandmother before she passed,

"To make it last you both can never fall out of love at the same time, if you see your partner losing that special feeling for you it is your duty to work 150% until the love is re-kindled and hopefully she will do the same"

My grandparents were married for 53 years before she passed in Dec. I wonder how many relationships last that long from my parents generation, (10-20%) which is sad, hopefully our generation can do better.....step up and make it happen....

I love the advice your grandmother gave you! and thanks for the reply

Originally posted by LadySkadi
What people tend to forget, or rather, just not think about is that relationships = work. Active involvement and active commitment by both people, to sustain them. Relationships are ever-evolving, which way that goes is in the hands of those involved.

edit on 25-2-2011 by LadySkadi because: (no reason given)

Good advice LadySkadi ,thanks for your reply

Originally posted by wildoracle13
I've been married 4 years and we have been together almost 10. We are definitly room mates. We have a 2 year old and that keeps us busy, I think if it weren't for our focus on her, our interests would have torn us apart by now. I cook dinner one week, he cooks the next. We share turns cleaning the house, picking up baby, and doing other ho hum tasks. We spend little time talking about things outside of our to do's simply because we spend so much time at work that there's not much we haven't covered. We are responsible with our money so we don't argue about money or anything... What went wrong? Nothing I can pin point for sure. We just have been too caught up in work and what time we have away we spend dividing our attention between our daughter and relaxing (television, internet). Did I mention how difficult winter is? ugh. I wish I could say that I believe in real, deep, unending love and all that but I must say I don't think it's going to come from marriage. Wow, that might make a stir, but don't mind me, it's just my opinion. Now that that's over with I am going to put my blinders back on and go about my day like I didn't just see the truth.

Why don't you change that take the blinders off and sit down and have a conversation about whats happening maybe he has been waiting for that.. see what you can change to make it better..just a thought

reply to post by sugarcookie1


Don't get me wrong, we do talk about it sometimes. And as any married person knows, things get better for a while and you forget about it then they kinda go down hill, and you work at it. I think the process just gets exhausting you know? Even the relationship that parents have with thier children can mimick this cycle. It's just as hard to live with the people you are blood related to as it is to live with a roomy sometimes. lol. But all jokes aside, I am going to jump on the "tech stuff is not helping marriage" band wagon. Every family that invites technology into their homes are going to have to deal with this at some point. When I was growing up we had a television and a crappy nintendo. Times are sooo different now. Gah, that comment prolly aged me a bit, but I am only 25...

Been married for 31 years. Though we spend most of time in different rooms doing our own thing, we still do things together, still talk and share our thoughts and ideas, sometimes dine out just the two of us, or whatever. Though life can be demanding for couples, especially those with children, it doesn't mean that love is lost. Love is more than sex and being together constantly. A relationship involves allowing your partner to have his or her own interests aside from your own, as well as special time spent together.

reply to post by LastStand


thank you so much for your reply..

Originally posted by wildoracle13
reply to post by sugarcookie1

 

Don't get me wrong, we do talk about it sometimes. And as any married person knows, things get better for a while and you forget about it then they kinda go down hill, and you work at it. I think the process just gets exhausting you know? Even the relationship that parents have with thier children can mimick this cycle. It's just as hard to live with the people you are blood related to as it is to live with a roomy sometimes. lol. But all jokes aside, I am going to jump on the "tech stuff is not helping marriage" band wagon. Every family that invites technology into their homes are going to have to deal with this at some point. When I was growing up we had a television and a crappy nintendo. Times are sooo different now. Gah, that comment prolly aged me a bit, but I am only 25...

One thing i have noticed is to many people spending to much time on the computer and not enough time with there relationship..Ive seen divorces over the darn computer even in my family..

Originally posted by Night Star
Been married for 31 years. Though we spend most of time in different rooms doing our own thing, we still do things together, still talk and share our thoughts and ideas, sometimes dine out just the two of us, or whatever. Though life can be demanding for couples, especially those with children, it doesn't mean that love is lost. Love is more than sex and being together constantly. A relationship involves allowing your partner to have his or her own interests aside from your own, as well as special time spent together.

Thank you for posting,I love what you had to say

One thing i have noticed is to many people spending to much time on the computer and not enough time with there relationship..Ive seen divorces over the darn computer even in my family..

Seriously, I don't doubt it. I am always asking my hubby to turn off the t.v. and listen to what my daughter is saying or telling him to put down the playstation controller and hang out with me. I am not perfect either so I try to keep it in check. Sad.

Sorry, still trying to figure out the "quote deal". I thought it was going to repost our whole conversation. whoopsy.

reply to post by sugarcookie1


It sounds like a sexuality issue to me.

Different TV's in different rooms? They sleep in separate beds?

Maybe they are getting some sort of taxation write off?

Originally posted by CUJOCREEP
funny thing is ive coined that phrase last year with the love of my life many times,she grew cold and distant with the usual relationship flaws on both parts and when i tried to conciously be the best person i could be it wouldnt help and the more cold distance i encountered with her drove me crazy, and it would spout off more arguing and griping, she moved out but we some how stay togeather in a "relationship" i.e "taken" label, i lost my job and my plae cuzz i could no longer afford it,had nowhere to go,i asked her if i could move in since we were still "togeather" but she denied me and said i like living alone and i dont want u being there all the time, yet she got mad when i announced the news that i was moving from washington state where she is to san diego CA to live with friends,we still talk and are "taken", and its even more emotional turmoil because neather one of us knows for sure if we are being true to one another, i know i havent done anything but she doesnt know for sure just like i dont on her part. plus she has a tendancy to avoid important issues in a convo and doesnt share feelings as comfortably as i do, i asked her since she wants to get married and have a kid,if when i move back if i can stay there,she still says no,so then, what is my incentive to move back,how is being married with children supposed to work if she doesnt want me living with her, i love woman and i know if it wasnt for the unity of man and woman we wouldnt be here, but you B---h's are wierd lol thinking only with emotion instead of logic

It sounds to me like its time for you to move on with your life ..find someone else that wants you in theres!

Originally posted by ThinkingCap
reply to post by sugarcookie1

 

It sounds like a sexuality issue to me.

Different TV's in different rooms? They sleep in separate beds?

Maybe they are getting some sort of taxation write off?

hmmm i don't think that's it at all they love each other just set in there ways now they have been doing this for as long as i can remember ..but thanks for the chuckle