I need someone who understands!

It all started in early 9th-10th gr summer. I was with my family at a museum and was in the space area, by myself, when I stumbled upon a picture of the Orion Nebula. When I looked into this picture I began to cry, I kept thinking in my head “I had no idea, I had no idea that there is such beauty beyond the stars!” (Before that day, I was like the stereo typical popular kid that thought the world revolved around me and nothing else mattered.) I stared at that picture for 30 minutes, trying to fully comprehend its unfathomable beauty. Once we got back home, I got on the computer and looked up pictures of Nebulas and Galaxies. For months I did only this and by the time I was done I could almost name every Nebula, I knew every type of Galaxy, from Quasars to Black Holes, Red Dwarfs to VV Cephei, it was ridiculous about how obsessed I became with the Universe. So after researching all of this, I decided to put my knowledge to the test… I decided to stare at the stars. That night of stargazing was the first time in my life that I felt something within me. I started to weep because I knew about the beauty beyond the stars; the emotions I felt that night were so… not human (it felt almost like I became one with the Universe). So after that night I changed, I no longer found being popular the biggest deal of my life. I also lost interest in acting because I only wanted to do it for greedy reasons.
By December of 10th gr I had been having these connections with the Universe, what I called, “One on One with the Universe” every weekend and at least twice weekdays (which was weird to my friends because I always wanted to party and play). So by this time, I had realized that I wanted to become an astronomy teacher because I wanted at least one person in the world to be able to feel the Universe the way I felt it. (I’m gonna call “One on One with the Universe” “101”)
All through my 10th gr year and after, I was never depressed, I would escape into the beauty of the Universe (and I had MANY reasons to be depressed, but we won’t get into those things because it’s off topic ). Finally, after much perseverance, I managed to get into the University of Oklahoma. I remember being so excited because I was finally on the route to being a teacher! Not only was that good news, but my 10th gr teacher, who loves me like a son and wrote these vampire books that became multimillion $ sellers overnight, decided to pay for my college, apartment, and gives me money for play. I felt so happy! (like the Universe was lookin out for me)
By the summer of 12th gr- freshman year, I still did my “101” and every time I would get the same deep euphoric feeling as when I started (sometimes they were more intense other times barely a tear, but all in all the same feeling). But once I got into University life I couldn’t do it as much because of homework (I still did it weekly). This is where it goes crazy, it was early November and I decided to go out and have a “101”. I knew something was different about this night because I was already starting to feel it before I even got to the normal place I did my “101’s”. So that night I felt the connection again, except this time the climax never stopped, I just kept getting higher and higher into this feeling of oneness, my heart started to beat really fast, I was weeping hysterically, I was on all fours throwing up, but it just kept on to the point that I literally though I was never gonna get out of this state. I started to envision the Whole Universe, it was like staring at pictures of the Hubble Deep Field except you’re in them…alone, I then began to rock back and forth holding my head saying “I can’t take this, I don’t understand” over and over. I was in this state for three hours, but it felt like a life age of the Universe, that when it finally stopped I was in a state of shock for two days. I don’t know why it happened, but what I do know is that I tried to comprehend something to Horrifyingly Beautiful that it has opened my eyes to a larger Cosmic Reality that has shaken me. I no longer have the drive to succeed in society because of what I felt that night, I feel more cut off from people than I ever have, and now all I want to do is stare at the complexities of the Universe until I decay into it. (has anyone else felt what I’m saying?)

Yes, I was on magic mushrooms. The fact I was on shrooms doesn't negate the experience. I know what you are talking about.
Once you have experienced euphoria, its hard to do the mundane. If you have a lack of drive, toward your teaching career, why don't you change you major to astronomy, or something that is along the line of your passion?

reply to post by zptramel


o.k.


I checked out your other posts and I could very well be wrong...


I hope you truly find this subject as fascinating as it really is...

Are you saying Stephanie Meyers paid for your college?

To the OP,

I understand.

It is a shame some people have never experienced the night sky as it is meant to be seen because they live in light polluted areas.

When I look at the night sky and all of its glory, I too experience the incredible feeling you feel. It reminds me we are all made of the stars themselves.

Very amazing indeed my friend.

reply to post by facelift


ughhhhh. yes i do. however, i dont think its about "vibrating frequencies" or any other stuff. its just trying to understand the universe.

reply to post by EvolEric


P C Cast
house of night novels, if u read em im Jack Twist in the book

reply to post by zptramel


Thankyou for sharing that my friend.
So much beauty and inspiration in your story, really deep.
I understand you, at times I find myself disappearing into the stars, only returning to 'reality'
because there's still a lot of work to be done.
Wow, was that inspiring.
Please ignore those who are disrespectful, they might not know better.

Love and respect.

reply to post by zptramel


Thankyou for sharing that my friend.
So much beauty and inspiration in your story, really deep.
I understand you, at times I find myself disappearing into the stars, only returning to 'reality'
because there's still a lot of work to be done.
Wow, was that inspiring.
Please ignore those who are disrespectful, they might not know better.

Love and respect.

reply to post by zptramel


Thankyou for sharing that my friend.
So much beauty and inspiration in your story, really deep.
I understand you, at times I find myself disappearing into the stars, only returning to 'reality'
because there's still a lot of work to be done.
Wow, was that inspiring.
Please ignore those who are disrespectful, they might not know better.

Love and respect.

reply to post by zptramel

Very interesting, I feel you friend. Whenever I'm with friends and we are outside, I usually gaze at the stars. They all call me crazy for doing it, but its a site your eyes can't be unglued from. I haven't been brought to the point of tears however but a site it is nonetheless..

reply to post by laffoe


ooooh, i know exactly what u mean! but what is "reality". i get so mad at my mom and friends when they say "u need to stay in the real world". to me thats like becoming an ant again, i never want to be back into human reality, because humans deffinetly do not understand the actual reality of the cosmos.

But you're not still on all fours, throwing up, right? I mean, you must have come down from that somewhat to be able to post here. You need to learn to control your own mind. You can't live in that state and have a life, unless you become a monk or something. I suggest you learn some meditation techniques to achieve some mental discipline and also go to the doctor and ask them to do an MRI or something, just in case. Because I've never heard of throwing up as a symptom of enlightenment.

I understand how you feel. My conscious expanding experience
was similar to yours but it was after reading 2001: A Space Odyssey
& We Are Not Alone by Walter Sullivan.
Ever since then I'm looking up even in the daylight.

reply to post by AmethystSD


i wouldnt call it enlightenment, i would call it "star stuff contemplating the stars"-Sagan
and i have been wanting to get an mri after thats because it was crazy

reply to post by zptramel


wow so many post's of "i understand"..

it happened to me as well,,
i thought i would be the only one..lol

my head swam with the knowledge ,,
felt like i was going to burst...

but i did not!!

glad to see others

reply to post by zptramel


Even cooler... Dude I have "Marked" sitting right in front of me... literally right in front of me... My wife has started reading it... she's on page 67 ...and she said its creepy cos the book is very parallel to her life....
btw she loves the series so tell P.C. Cast awesome job there!!!

now on to the Stars.... I smoke and I smoke outside and I'm a night owl... so I spend a lot of time looking at the stars and ever since i could remember I've always been attracted to orions belt... and I've always had this saying... I would tell the stars "Your beautiful... as you always have been and always will be" I've spent most of my adult life alone... with the exception of the last two years... thats when i met my wife... two years ago... but being alone and depressed the stars were my friends... i always told em my problems and stuff... stuff i didnt want anyone else knowing...

I also got an iphone app that shows the constellations.. and tracks the moon and sun and etc etc... i check it like 100 times a day... not like its gonna be different, ya know lol

Might be something to this whole star thing... my wife had a similar experience with the stars as I did

reply to post by windword


i dont find it a negative thing. i have always wanted to shroom with my friends, but what holds me back is that it might be too intense, especially if i start talkin about the Universe...which is 24/7! so my friends are smart enough to not let me take em

reply to post by EvolEric


ill tell MaMa Cast!
omg, i used to say the same things to the starts!!! ATS is a brilliant place!