post traumatic thought

Hi my name is Adrian I live in leeds west yorkshire uk i am 20 years old and up till the beginning of this year i thought i had it sussed (it being life in general). I had a girlfriend a beautiful one who gave me everything i needed and more we were together for 5 years but she split up with me on new years day. We still see each other but it is very difficult for me to be a friend to her when i want all of that that we used to have, the worst thing is when she meets new guys it tears me apart and makes me loose my mind. Most of you are probably thinking something had to be seriously wrong for this to happen and the truth is everything was going wrong i had abused her shouted at her laughed at her while she was in tears next to me and it was my fault she cried i never hit her but i may aswell have done. I dont know why we fought like this but it didnt happen all the time just enough for her to draw the line ( yes i know now that once should have been it so i am lucky). The reason why i had it sussed was simple i have always been a firm believer in destiny and souls-which brought me to this place when i met this girl the very first second i set eyes on her i knew she was special it took us a while to get to know eachother and to my suprise it was her who approached me which made me feel even more like the luckyest man alive ,when we were together i look back and wish i had done a lot of things differently i wish i hadn't took her for granted because i am feeling what she felt when i did those things to her mabey not all of it or not as intense but i feel bad worse than bad i feel like scum and while you will all probably agree with me this minute piece of scum is asking for help i need help basically over the past 3 years i took on smoking pot or skunk as it is called over in these parts now im on �20 a day an it has started to take its toll. I quit my dream job about 2 years ago in a music store so i could have more time instead i ended up working 13 hour shifts sneaking in a joint where ever possible. now i have my old job back and i love it the people who we sreve are really enthusiastic about music and what they do which is nice because they are on a level with us.
Enough babbling on about my background, basically at the moment all i want to do is dissapear from the face of the planet, i cant sleep cant remember the last time i had a dream i feel so tired i want to stop smoking but have been trying for 4-5 months i just cant go without it. its not my body that dose this but my life style i can go with out but i have my own studio and my friends all come round and its like "lets get stoned" so we do. whenever i go out i meet somebody that dose it its everywhere theres even a place that sells it over the counter and its basically open all hours.
Now i cant blame skunk for the fall out of me and this girl and i cant deny that life without it dosent feel as good (life without her feels worse) i want to stop but cant turn anywhere for help.
Over the course of this year through reading these pages i have read some amazing things and i really do feel fortunate to be where i am now but i feel i need "spiritual" deveopment and i feel this is hindred in a way by the modern lifestyles of today. if i had enough money i would leave everything and become a buddist monk or something of the sort i dont want to stop learning and i dont really have a religion that i follow but most of my up bringing is christian while at school we did RE so we had an understanding of other religions.
If anybody can offer advice please post it will be greatly appreciated i really do enjoy life when i get my head out of my backside.
sorry for the long post

sorry it took long to reply, my computer switched off.

first off, i think you need to go outside this evening and have a nice long chat with god.

youll figure out what you need to do after that. if you draw a blank, try one of these (but only if youve never done them before, suck at it, or haveno experience)
1. paint
2.write
3.play an instrument (go to any msuci store, they let you play)
4. go to a show

might i also suggest a big thing of spaghettios and a phone book?

love

If you believe in fate, then you must believe in Karma too, so you probably know by know that the karma police pulled your ass over so your getting what you dished out...

You can't handle it, and neither could she which is why she left you...

I don't know how a guy could feel guilty for doing that to a woman, you did it for 5 years, you didn't feel guilty then, you only do now because she's not there for you to do that to her anymore...

I don't know where you got that from, but it doesn't matter now, your single, working at a music store doing your thing, but your heart is stuck on the past. You never got closure, but you don't deserve it..

You need to pull your pants up and start acting like a man...
go talk to God, actually if your christian you should know it's probably best to talk with jesus since god would put the smack down on your ass, jesus is alot more sympathetic to these types of situations..


Wtf made you talk to her like that and treat her like that?? What the # was going through your mind?? !!!

If I was her I woulda walked along time ago and smacked your ass around a few times... I understand that people teach others how to treat them, so you probably saw her as a doormat, she let you treat her like one, you were so bitter so angry you took it out on her, obviously you have some kind of emotional turmoil brewing inside of you, and now that she's gone who's there to take it out on??
All I can reccommend is some good therapy... There's something not right with you...

Hi Adrian,

You are only young yet. To have been in a relationship for 5 years at your age is somewhat unusual. You have both matured during the time you were together. Use the experience as a learning one. Do not try to go back. Look forward in your life and be positive.

You have a job you like. Stick at it. You need help for your drug problem. Have a look at this web site talktofrank.com...

Leeds has much to offer in the way of help for you. Find out what's available. You could maybe find somewhere here to start www.lmu.ac.uk...

Consider a change of your social life. Try new places where you may find it easier to keep away from drugs. Meet a greater variety of people. Maybe go to church. Can you learn a new skill? If you find it difficult to say 'no' to your friends and drug use, avoid their company where possible.

There are many people on these boards to support you. Just talk to us and ask away.

Good luck.

thanks for the input, i am a musician and i try to write my own songs but havent really been sucessful recently mabey ill try painting. Ill try talking to god its a good idea i havent tried yet but why should he listen?
you had a good point about karma and yes i do feel like i am feeling the way she felt but we are still like best friends we still talk almost every day. She did draw the line many times before and i feel blessed that after all that we are still friends but she is everything i wanted in a woman.
"Emotional welcome mat" is a good phrase, ive been looking for a good description of how i treat her and how im feeling i guess i have a few less guests visiting me. As for the drugs i suppose if i tell my friends that i want to get a grip on my life and i dont do it any more which means i wont be seeing them like this much more- if they are friends they will understand and hopefully help me. I will check out those websites thanks.
Who said that i might need therapy? I know you cant give me a diagnosis over the web but who do you recommend i got to see? start off with a doc or go to a phsyciatrist? Once again thanks for all your comments. see you soon.

Hi Adrian,

In response to your last question, you need to see your GP. Be honest with him/her so they can refer you to the appropriate person/agency for help.

Tell your family & friends what you're doing if you can, so they can support you. You have taken the hardest step, which was to admit you have a problem. Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all made mistakes in our lives, but not all of us have the courage to face our problems face on.

Adrian,
I was on the receiving end of the type of relationship that you have described and I finally ended things after about 5 years. The reason it took so long was because I kept thinking I could help him find happiness. I finally realised that, while his anger and aggression was directed at me, there was nothing I could do to make things right. He was not happy with himself, but rather than recognize this, he projected his pain and insecurities onto me, or whomever else he felt deserved the blame.
I don't know if he ever made peace with himself or if he still blames the rest of the world for his problems, but I hope he did.

The reason I wrote all of this, is because he did exactly the same things to me as you have described doing to your ex-girlfriend. I don't know what your childhood was like, but I know that, with my ex, his parents divorced when he was fairly young, because his father was having an affair with another woman. This left his mom very bitter and to this day she has never dated another man. She also became very cold and harsh toward Jim, but stayed loving and supportive of his sister. For the entire time I new Jim, he was always trying to regain favor in her eyes and I believe that his attitude towards me was a direct result of his unresolved issues from childhood.

Have you examined, truly examined, what caused you to lash out at the woman you profess to love so much? Could it be that you lack confidence in yourself and thought she would realize she could do better (I'm not saying she could, but did you fear she could)?

It's been my experience that most people who are abusive towards those they love, are incredibly insecure about themselves. Their abusive behaviour seems to be a subconscious protective instinct to "hurt them before they can hurt you". Afterward, though, they realize what they've done and it makes them hate themselves even more, which leads to the cycle of abuse and regret.

The only way to end the cycle is, first, to be willing to accept responsibility for one's actions, and be sincerely dedicated to changing them. Second, is to forgive people who have hurt you in the past, seek forgiveness from the people you have hurt (not because you want to get back together, but because they deserve your apology, & so they don't start their own cycle), and most importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

No one is perfect, and we all have done things we wish we hadn't, to those we care about. It does no good for you to beat yourself up over and over for something that has already happened, and cannot be undone.

If you want to start feeling good about yourself again, do something unselfish for others. Volunteer to teach kids to play music, or spend some time helping in a homeless shelter. Once you stop thinking about how bad YOU are, or how sad YOU feel, and start realizing how happy you can make someone else, simply because you care about them, life will start to look less dreary. Love is something that must be given to others if you want to receive it.

Smoking weed, in and of itself, is not a problem. Smoking weed because you don't want to face the world is. The use of any substance, as a means to escape from your demons, instead of confronting and resolving them, will only make things worse in the end. The more you run from your problems the harder they will be to get away from, which, I would bet, is why you are smoking more and more weed.

Whether or not you and your girlfriend get back together, you need to deal with your abusive tendencies, or they will follow you the rest of your life. I don't know if any of this is of any help to you, but I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.

when you described your ex's behaviour i couldnt help notice how similar our behaviours were. i didnt have a bad childhood, my mum and dad are still together and i have two brothers. you are right about weed too ive been away this weekend and not smoked as much and although i ache i feel better for it, doing something creative takes my mind off things and weed. im currently looking for a holiday and thinking of setting up my own business its funny you were talking about teaching kids- i was teaching a friend a few chords on the guitar today and was thinking the same thing-mabey i could get a grant for that.
Once again thank you for your time and your advice.