They want it, You Don't.

So i'm kind of in this situation.

I believe in abortion, thats a whole other story, so we won't go into the details now.

Sometimes you will find yourself were, one person wants a baby and the other doesn't. I feel, because i am young still, i'm not ready. Sure I have a great job and make more money than anyone my age i know, but i still don't think i'm mature enough.

Yet the other would like to have it, and wants to.

Who is right?

I feel, i should be in the right, but it just sounds so selfish.

But i think of it this way.

One person isn't ready, one person is.

The whole time it is happening the one who doesn't want it is going to be freaking out, have high stress, and stress just leads to more and more problems. It could even lead to a breakup, which if too late, could lead to a single parent. Then, if something happened down the line, the other could tell their children, "oh well your other parent didn't even want you." That sounds horrible, but its true, you can't change someones minds about if they don't want a kid, thats a life changing point of life. If your not ready, i think you have the right to not be ready.

I feel both partners have to be ready, or its just setting itself up to fail....

Idk sorry if i'm unclear.

From my perspective, the woman has to bring the child to term so in the end, it's her body, her choice. BUT, if the father disagrees his input should be worth something. Tough call. I wouldn't even attempt to give advice on this. I'm a pro choice guy, but trust me, you'll hear from the other side soon enough.

Sounds like your girlfriend is pregnant, wants the baby , but you don't feel ready? I'm very sorry. Legally, it's completely her decision and there's nothing you can do but appeal to her and let her know how you feel.

Later on, not only might she tell your child that you didn't want it, you will have to pay child support for 18 years. It doesn't matter if you want the child or not - or in you're part of its life or not. If you're the father, you have to pay.

I personally think a man should be able to opt out, just like a woman who gets an abortion does, but biology prevents that. So, unfortunately, you are at the mercy of her decision...

I'm a pro-choice guy too, but you not feeling you're ready doesn't absolve you of responsibility in this matter.

You were irresponsible enough to get her pregnant, and as the saying goes, takes two to tango.

In my opinion, if EITHER party wants the responsibility of having the kid, it should not be aborted.

You're going to be legally responsible for it though too. (in the form of child support). Unless of course, you can get her to sign something legally absolving you of that (good luck)... You may have something here, for example, if she lied and said she was on the pill, but still, ultimately, that ball can be thrown back in your court too.

As the old cliche goes, you did the crime, gotta do the time. Next time, be more careful, and don't have unprotected sex unless you're trying to start a family...

reply to post by doom27


I don't EVER want kids.
If you don't want to be in that position then do what I do.
Be religous with birth control or abstain.
I will ask her in a casual conversation if she wants kids and marriage...if the answer is yes then be very adamant with birth control or don't even bother or you might get caught.

I have a perfect record....not a single pregnancy scare.The key is birth control and to know xactly what you want and then act accordingly.

I hope things work out for you man.

From my experience abortion is a very painful experience it feels like a part of you dies and its really hard to cope with. I do recommend going through the pregnancy (unless you have a high risk pregnancy) and maybe adopting it out to another family. Ive even heard stories of the guy feeling the emotional strain so be aware.Make sure she test to see if she is RH- because i didnt and it resulted in complications.

This is where taking responsiblity for your own actions comes into play. Making choices and being absolutly 100% responsible for the choices you choose to make. Education of course and proper training helps in making better choices of course. I think you should be very clear with her on what you want as she seems to have make it clear what she wants, and let her come to terms with that in a very real way. I don't think its fair to the unborn life to use abortion as a back up plan. Everyone gets that choice however and you can make yours as you wish in the end.

Originally posted by FutureIsWild
From my experience abortion is a very painful experience it feels like a part of you dies and its really hard to cope with. I do recommend going through the pregnancy and maybe adopting it out to another family. Ive even heard stories of the guy feeling the emotional strain so be aware.

edit on 28-1-2011 by FutureIsWild because: editing

The thing is by carrying the baby for the full term and then giving birth, the attachment is much stronger.

It's a tough decision for sure.



And really... a guy feeling emotional strain? Who would have thought it

My ex fiance would feel things when i would too such as cravings and morning sickness etc and its true that both the man and woman feel pregnant. I have talked to guys who said they had no choice of keeping the baby and they wanted to and she didnt. Anyway they said they felt the pain of not having the child.

whoa whoa whoa!

No ones pregnant. I probably just miscommunicated. Its that she wants to have a kid and i don't. She's on BC and all that good stuff, i've never been in a baby situation, for all i know i could be sterile.

The main question is, am i being selfish for telling her i'm not ready? I already have and she gets really upset about it, i don't think a 20 year old (me) should have a child. Sure in the future, maybe when i'm 25 or something, but i feel now is too early. Granted yes, i have a full time job, a damn good one at that, making very good money, but i don't think financially stable is all you need, i need to be more mentally stable, and she does too. I just feel people in the under 28ish range should not have kids, and i guess i'm asking if i'm being selfish?

You two already made your decision. I was in your situation once. It was aborted. In hindsight, I wish we had not done that. It would have been fine. I look upon it now as one of my serious life mistakes. I didn't see it that way then, but I see it that way now. It's not as if you can turn back the clock. Think of this as a test. Will you pass?

No your not being selfish if your not ready. You cant change it once it does occur and it does affect you wether or not you have the baby.

reply to post by doom27


Being cautious about something of this nature isn't selfish.
Its a child.....make sure everything is stable before even thinking about it.
I think from what I read you are wise to want to wait.

That certainly changes things...

The main question is, am i being selfish for telling her i'm not ready? I already have and she gets really upset about it, i don't think a 20 year old (me) should have a child.

No, you're being honest, and she's responding to her natural drive and instincts.

I wouldn't even recommend marriage until you're 30, to be honest. Until about that point, neither of you know anything about what you really want....let alone kids.

You better watch it though, and use your own stash of condoms (rather than her "holy" condoms, if you catch my drift). You don't want to JUST rely on her to practice birth control, or you will be trapped if she wants a kid.

There's a word for people who have a kid at 20....DIVORCED.

Originally posted by Gazrok
You better watch it though, and use your own stash of condoms (rather than her "holy" condoms, if you catch my drift). You don't want to JUST rely on her to practice birth control, or you will be trapped if she wants a kid.

Exactly, if you do not want a kid, do not trust the female to do what you think you want. If she ends up pregnant and its your fault, even if she trapped you into it. You still have to do the deed, and alot of males must get caught by females like this, thankfully never me.

reply to post by andy1033


We're agreeing on something...truly, this is a sign of the apocalypse....(or the advice is just that honest)...

reply to post by doom27


I just wanted to agree with what's been said. You're not being selfish, you're being honest. And really smart about it. I got married young and divorced young, and it wasn't until I was much older that I even knew who I really was and what I wanted.

Sometimes in my life I have had to be a little bit selfish just to take care of myself. But it's not really selfishness in a bad way. It's being true to myself and my needs. Sometimes your needs have to come first and you know when that is. Having a child before someone is ready is not fair to that person OR the child. Period. If you have a choice, be true to yourself and don't make the mistake so many make and regret.

Sorry about the misunderstanding. From your post, I couldn't tell.

I really wish you good luck. I hope she understands. But if she doesn't, I hope you stand your ground. That's just my opinion. And don't give your choice away. Don't depend on anyone else for your parental choice. If you don't want a child, take responsibility for your own protection.

I am CHILD FREE BY CHOICE!

Waving HI to all fellow CF out there!

I've never been in a position of "immediate choice" - I've always been covered by BC 50 ways to Sunday. And, I am very PICKY about who I "associate with". I don't "sport screw". I think carefully over who I associate with and I am ALWAYS UBER CAREFUL with the BC.

I don't mind being alone either, and in fact, introverted geek that I am - actually like and need "alone time".

With that said - My exH wanted kids. Where the problem arose? I CLEARLY TOLD HIM THAT I DID NOT WANT NOR WOULD BE HAVING ANY KIDS. And I told him this on our *second date*.

He went along with this, and I thought we were "on the same page" so to speak.

Few years later I find out that he had been pining for kids and the "family life" THE WHOLE TIME - and was just biding his time thinking I would "change my mind".

Forget abortion. The "kids" vs. "no kids" decision is a big decision unto itself and BOTH parties need to be on board with it - or else there will be problems.

Kids are a big decision. Probably the most serious you will ever make. AND - it is pretty much irreversible. Think long and hard (no pun intended) over what you are doing. And DO NOT be careless with the BC either.

Undecided people - you can Google "Child Free" and find a wealth of information and people to talk to. Even for "undecideds" (or as we CF call them - "Fence Sitters") - there is info out there and people to talk to and compare notes with - which may give you some new insight. You may find yourself going "traditional", you may find yourself going CF. But there are alot of things to read and that alone can set your mind at ease and maybe give you some different insight.

Reminds me - friend of mine recently pointed out a CF board to me, much good stuff there. I should go read that some more, and join already

There's nothing wrong with WHATEVER one chooses - just make sure that you DO want it!

You DON'T *have to* follow "The Life Script"

Originally posted by doom27
whoa whoa whoa!

No ones pregnant. I probably just miscommunicated. Its that she wants to have a kid and i don't. She's on BC and all that good stuff, i've never been in a baby situation, for all i know i could be sterile.

The main question is, am i being selfish for telling her i'm not ready?

It would be selfish of you to tell her she should abort if you have not taken precautions to stop her getting pregnant. Where a franger or don't have sex with her; BC is never 100%.

reply to post by riley


It's true, I know a gal who got pregnant while faithfully on the pill... Needless to say, she was pretty surprised (lost the baby eventually though, as is typical in such cases).