Friendship effort

Since my breakup, I have been analysing myself a little more closely (maybe too much, as you do after a split) so instead of bottling it up I thought i'd trhow it out here and see what people thought.

Firstly, i've gone through the 'no confidence, no women like me, i'll die alone' phase so this isn't what this is about. This is instead pondering my values and actions with friends.
See, i'm a bit old school. Your treat women nice and be honest? They reciprocate back (though I now believe this only becomes the case when most women reach 30 or over, the younger ones still want a 'challenging MAN. I.E. An asshole) and also with friends, I'm not a 'high maintainence' guy, but I value my friendships and believe in making an effort for said friends.

So this is where I come unstuck; I tend to sometimes feel rejected or under appreciated due to my caring nature. This probably has been exagerrated by my recent split, but I get frustrated sometimes when it feels like friends either don't care as much or play games. For instance, in a number of cases I feel like I'm the one always doing the chasing in terms of being the first one to initiate texts etc, and sometimes they'll just stop replying mid way through a conversation. This is an extreme example and i;ve learned to be harder on them and just not bother with them as much anymore, but at the same time its very hard to change your nature when you want to be generous, even though its being exploited or taken for granted.

With my closer friends too, sometimes when you just need a chat etc or something they don't have time, whereas I always MAKE time for one of my friends in need, along with always trying to take an interest in their interests...something that they never do for me. For example i'll invite them to a race and they either arent interested or say yes then back out at the last minute, after I have partaken in activities of hobbies they like! And the biggest bull# excuse that pisses me off is 'Oh sorry I didnt reply, I've been busy etc'. I'm sorry, with todays modern marvels of communication how long does it take to send a text or whatever? Thats not a valid excuse.

So, my question is. Do I just accept that these people are like this and carry on feeding them, or do I just care less and play them at their own game of not bothering with them as much? Not all of my friends are like this so I don't want you to think all of them are completely wrong for me as friends, I just think in this modern day and age there seem to be so many 'low maintainence' friendships about, which to me isnt a friend.

Thanks

The only thing I can say is be who you are and are happy with. Your real friends will respect you for it, even if they don't put the same effort into the friendship. We are all different in the ways we interact with each other. The others, don't worry what they think of you because their opinion doesn't really matter anyway.

Or I guess another way of saying it is....

Focus on the friendships that are important to you, and don't worry about the rest. If the others want to be your friend and part of your life, they will make an effort of their own accord.

In my personal opinion, it is best to have a few close and worthy friends than many friends who arn't worth the time and effort. A real friend will be there when you need them, will make the time to see you and spend a little time with you. Don't change. Be yourself.

So, my question is. Do I just accept that these people are like this and carry on feeding them, or do I just care less and play them at their own game of not bothering with them as much?

You can't change your nature....you'll keep eating their crap, because that's the kind of person you are.

Here's the more important thing to realize.

That's OK...and you're a better person for doing so.

Believe me, I know all too well what it's like...

reply to post by johnwordswu


Whats wrong with dying alone, plenty do it, and i will. Whats wrong with it?

reply to post by andy1033


Whatever floats your boat.

Personally, I like having friends to do things with, be there when I need a hand, be there to lend them a hand, etc. For example, the wife and I needed a second car....we bought it off a friend for a good price (way less than we would have paid elsewhere, and we knew it was sound)...later on, they had a bad week and needed help on a bill, we were able to help them keep their lights on, and they paid us back soon after... That kind of thing. It's nice having friends you can rely on, and who can rely on you, when the chips are down.

reply to post by Gazrok


I learned in life not to want anything from humans, and i am capable of being alone and ok with it. Its fine and dandy if you think its great to have socalled friends, but from what i have seen, friends are as much use as a paper bag holding a gallon of water, absolutely useless. I cannot comment on female stuff really, as i never let one near my existence, apart from brief moment.

Maybe we are both extremes of the situation, where you think friends and relationships with females is important. But i think the opposite, where no friends and no contact with females is what i want. Who is right? Well i am right for me, and you are right for you. Life is your own journey and i found my route and you found yours.

Both lifes will never be all smiles all the time(no matter what you say, you cannot be happy all the time), and both lifes will never be all sad.

Originally posted by Gazrok
It's nice having friends you can rely on, and who can rely on you, when the chips are down.

You must have friends that are mostly not part of most peoples lifes as friends are not there for people in bad times normally. If they where, why would there be a thing like suicide? Even a person with loads of socalled friends and loads of interaction with others commit suicide.

reply to post by andy1033


I've been lucky enough to have the close friends I've had for many years. Most of us worked with each other while in High School or shortly thereafter, and that was 20 years ago...

I've got other friends who are more "fair-weather" friends...but it's my long-standing ones I know I can count on.

Case in point. We're going on a cruise in a couple of weeks, and I'll need a friend or two to come by and feed and clean up after my dogs while we're gone. I've got 4 of them, so it would cost me a fortune to board them. Good to have friends. (and I'd do the same for them).

reply to post by Gazrok


Good for you, but i seriously doubt many people out there have all that many friends.

Glad i do not, and i would not ask people to do something like that for me.

Each to there own, eehhhh.

Originally posted by johnwordswu
Since my breakup, I have been analysing myself a little more closely (maybe too much, as you do after a split) so instead of bottling it up I thought i'd trhow it out here and see what people thought.

Firstly, i've gone through the 'no confidence, no women like me, i'll die alone' phase so this isn't what this is about. This is instead pondering my values and actions with friends.
See, i'm a bit old school. Your treat women nice and be honest? They reciprocate back (though I now believe this only becomes the case when most women reach 30 or over, the younger ones still want a 'challenging MAN. I.E. An asshole) and also with friends, I'm not a 'high maintainence' guy, but I value my friendships and believe in making an effort for said friends.

So this is where I come unstuck; I tend to sometimes feel rejected or under appreciated due to my caring nature. This probably has been exagerrated by my recent split, but I get frustrated sometimes when it feels like friends either don't care as much or play games. For instance, in a number of cases I feel like I'm the one always doing the chasing in terms of being the first one to initiate texts etc, and sometimes they'll just stop replying mid way through a conversation. This is an extreme example and i;ve learned to be harder on them and just not bother with them as much anymore, but at the same time its very hard to change your nature when you want to be generous, even though its being exploited or taken for granted.

With my closer friends too, sometimes when you just need a chat etc or something they don't have time, whereas I always MAKE time for one of my friends in need, along with always trying to take an interest in their interests...something that they never do for me. For example i'll invite them to a race and they either arent interested or say yes then back out at the last minute, after I have partaken in activities of hobbies they like! And the biggest bull# excuse that pisses me off is 'Oh sorry I didnt reply, I've been busy etc'. I'm sorry, with todays modern marvels of communication how long does it take to send a text or whatever? Thats not a valid excuse.

So, my question is. Do I just accept that these people are like this and carry on feeding them, or do I just care less and play them at their own game of not bothering with them as much? Not all of my friends are like this so I don't want you to think all of them are completely wrong for me as friends, I just think in this modern day and age there seem to be so many 'low maintainence' friendships about, which to me isnt a friend.

Thanks

I think you will have both high AND low maintenance friendships. The ones that don't seem like they give you much time- then that's one friend you don't have to worry about giving much time to- at least not right now. maybe that's just how they are or maybe they are going through something (good OR bad) that has them tied up and they might not have time to explain it or something. If they are simply just that way, be glad that's the one friend that won't be expecting you to throw them a wedding shower all on your own simply because they decided to tie the knot and you guys are so close.

As for friends that will give you more time than this, be glad you have any that will- if you enjoy their company. Pay the special attention to those, because they are more likely to reciprocate... and also appreciate your attention... and if you feel like you don't have enough friends like this, go find more. Don't bother trying to change the ones you already have who might just not be on that kind of closer path with you and if they've done nothing exactly out of the way, no sense in unfriending them altogether. They are what they are.

I have friends...close ones and I have acquaintances. My closest friends are family and others that aren't are out of state... and I don't cross paths with many acquaintances from this area so right now, even though I have friends NO ONE comes to see me and sometimes that gets to me on a bad day even though I know I have friends. My closer family members come around but they are older, have better jobs and nicer houses so why would they come hang out over here? They invite me places a lot but even though I live in a tiny, cruddy little place- it's home and I'm comfortable here. It's kind of hard to explain but I don't have any if those buds around here that i used to have back home, the ones where you can sit and look at trees for hours while listening to the radio just chilling out, even if no one has anything to say... and you just hang out. Or you know that friend that you go over to their house and sit around and watch TV on a regular basis like it's no big deal... and it isn't because you have gotten used to that person and it's not like they are all up in your face talking about "elt's do this...or let's do that... or let's go blow a lot of money... or let's go get drunk" or somebody that comes into your house bringing all kinds of people over and when they get inside they seem to think it's time to have a kinda loud conversation and start messing with things and talking about everything in the house and crap like that... you know what I mean? like a smokin' buddy... some one who just sits to the right or left of you and doesn't give you a whole lot of bull# and you know they aren't going to do any dumb #, cause you know 'em... know what I mean?..like when you were in school and you could think of a person and they had someone else with them... like everyone came in pairs, even the ones who weren't dating anyone. they would always have a regular friend who was always with them. well, not always... you got to be alone SOME times. I need to be alone moderately right now, but not too much. This is pretty ridiculous.

Blahh... I'm just sad because I have nobody to play my new wii with.

...which i have been wanting to play today but haven't even touched it yet, and I have spent some money this weekend.....too much but I'm taking some of it back as soon as I decide what are the most important items to my renovation projects.... which I am very excited about.... even though no one will probably ever come see it.

My projects should keep me busy a while... I need to get working on it.

A real friend is an awesome find and not to go unappreciated.

I have many aquaintances in life but maybe two or three true to life friends who I can say would do nearly anything to help me if I needed it, and vice versa.

The world is a rough place and it is much easier when you have like minds and allies to fall back on.

Loyalty is something to be treasured in this day and age of treachery.

Originally posted by Night Star
In my personal opinion, it is best to have a few close and worthy friends than many friends who arn't worth the time and effort. A real friend will be there when you need them, will make the time to see you and spend a little time with you. Don't change. Be yourself.

I couldn't say it better in any way. These are my thought's exactly and having one or two friends that are there for you when you need them are worth a lot more than a hundred of the so called friends that many people say they have.

A man/woman isn't judged by the number of friends one has, but by the quality of those friends...

I only have a small number of true friends and consider myself very lucky indeed to have them....