Today I

Volume 3 - Chapter 2

Today I found out somebody I knew died. He had his whole life ahead of him and it is so hard to make sense of why it happened. I feel so helpless, I wish I could comfort those I know will be so torn apart for the rest of their lives. There is nothing that can be said.

I am not religious, I find it hard to believe in a higher being, a lord of our race. But I shut my eyes and asked that he be happy wherever he may be now and asked that those who loved him will one day soon be able to continue their lives and be happy again.

May your spirit find peace Rafe.

[edit on 25/10/2004 by earthtone]

Today, like yesterday, I understand why I am unhappy.

My life has escaped me.

Someone turned to me and said, "Last year, I thought you were deep and different, but I realize that this year you're just like everyone else."

That "everyone else" is my greatest fear, because I look at my old writings and I speak of "they," and I now must replace it with "we."

I do not want to be "we" anymore, I wan't to be "I." I wish to be who I am, not what we are. I wish to speak in my own style, not in our direct dictation. I wish to run from this prison, not to stay where we all were raised.

Today I realized I'm just like everyone else, not by birth, but by lack of inspiration.

Today she called me. She just wanted to hear how I was doing. Maybe hearing my voice made it easier for her.

It got messy. We spoke of the past. Accusations flew. Why can I not let go? She has.

I love her as much as I love myself.

Zip

Volume 3 Chapter 5- Not the Best of Days

Well today i was awoken by what i thought was a bomb going off near my block of flats, only to find out that some inconsiderate construction workers decided to knocked down a wall in the flat below me,i think they thought it would be a fun idea to wake everybody up at 7:30am.
That incident fitted in nicely with the fact that i went to work late and was shouted at by my boss, also i nearly puked.

[Edited on 28-10-2004 by drunk]

Today I walked through town.

Walking down through people, stepping in time with my heartbeat,
I make my way through town. People look at you, and don't, half
curious facial gestures towards you which are shrugged off. It
is a shame that at such a pinnicle of life and society, high-risen,
crammed with people, such isloation is felt so poiniently.

Today I remember how beautiful this crystal is and that I didn't need anything more complicated to do the job.

Today I feel like giving up and going back to bed, drawing the curtains close and shrouding myself with my blankets. I am not sick, I am just tired, not physically but emotionally. Frail grandma, far away mom, high school drop out ,troubled ,teenager cousin, distressed aunt, opening my home to all, expectant kids, hard working husband, strangers in my home. I can't reach her, I can't get thru to her, the bad habits continue, how can I help someone who doesn't want to accept my help. I just want to give up, but I know I can't, so I'll force myself to carry on as normal.

Today I
found myself, amongest this crazy self indulgent world, i too delved into some soul searching. At first i realized i am only a by-product of the world we live in, but then i came to realize that i am more than that. there is something in me, in all of us that gives us identity and it is not just our society. I am not pleased nor am i disppleased with my discovery, but i strive for the next discovery, the next revelation in my self or in the world, and by knowing my self, i can adapt to my world around me.

Today I am excited that I am near completion of the first prototype of my original energy design. Once completed I will proceed with some initial testing to iron out any residual kinks. Then the best part. I will replicate the design to distribute to my friends who can then also share in the benefits of this new creation for the enhancement of the rest of their lives. The greatest gift is the gift of power given with love.

Today I awoke and became anxious, pinned down by self-doubt and fear, excluded from my own self assurance, cast from my dreams like a leper from society. The wind rattled the window against it's frame as I lent against the bed post for a moment, trying to accumulate the energy to rise from my dank and squeeky matress.

The television was still on from last night, the sound muted like my inner thoughts; fuzzy pictures with no message, moving energy, yet no sound. Even though I had been staring at it for almost a minute it took that long for the image to translate into a meaningfull picture. A person was adressing journalists from the White House press room, the topic seemed to have something to with immigration.....or was it drugs or nuclear war? The camera angle changed from a shot of the whole room to a closeup on the face of the speaker. His words began to jumble into my head incoherantly as his eyes grew darker, "Fear...injustice....we will ensure justice...animals......across the border....deadly..be vigi...."

I turned away.

Walking out of my front door hours later I saw a large yellow butterfly on a bush next to the road. Adjacent to the bush was a rusting ford pickup parked on the sidewalk with two people inside, I stood still. The pair inside appeared to be arguing. The butterfly flew away as the man in the drivers seat opened his door, slamming it violently. He took one last sip from a can of millers then threw it to the ground. In his other hand was a medal. He calmed for a moment and stood still. The other passenger in the ford, a woman, was weaping. The man noticed me and began to pace in my direction.

"You see this?" he wailed, holding the medal up towards me, "You see this friend, this is the legacy of my son, this is all I have left of my son."

His words grew louder and more angered. The woman in the truck looked at me and stepped out, woefully pleading with the man to stop his shouting.

"You know why he went? You know what my boy went to war for," he continued, enraged.

I stood, motionless, transfixed on the his bloodshot eyes,

"He wanted to get money, moeny to get me into rehab....He wanted to save his family...from me...the pathetic monster I am."

He broke down, falling to his knees, and the second he did I noticed the pistol tucked into his belt on the back of his jeans. He raised his head and looked at me; I felt like I was looking through a transparent ghost, my vision penetrating the hollow shell of a broken being. I reached out my hand to him and the moment seemed to last for a decade.

Then in a second he was gone. The sound of the 9mm weapon echoed through the empty street, shattering the silence of the morning. I vomited as the woman began to scream, both of us reacting in a shocked slow motion to what had just happened. I fell back against my now blood specked door and looked towards the bushes on the other side of the street once more, vomit dribbling off my chin. The butterfly had returned, except now it was still, it's wings frozen together as it perched on top of a branch.

Waking up one morning days later, how many I am not sure, but now the police tape had gone. My sleep had been restless since I whitnessed the suicide of Diego Paz on the steps of my house. The TV was on, it was a cop show , and two officers were in a gun fight. I looked out my window at the thin layer of clouds that stretched the sky. For a split second I felt hope, and then it faded into the gunfire pouring from the television set.

I pictured the butterfly....as long as there is still beauty left in the world all is not lost, I though to myself as I emptied the last of my valium out of its pot and into my mouth, washing it down with stale beer from the side cabinet. The weather report was now on television. I thought about how much surgery the girl who was presenting had had done on her face. Winter was coming.







[edit on 20/9/2006 by earthtone]

Today I...well I'm not sure it matters what I did today. It isn't anything different from what I did yesterday! And tomorrow I'll do the same thing! My days consist of me walking through life and questioning reality and truth. I hardly even feel like I exist. When I was driving back home from Jack in the Box I almost got t-boned by one of those pick up trucks that I think you should have a CDL to drive because they're even bigger than mine, and I have a huge truck! So anyway, it was one of those moments where in retelling the incident one might expect me to say, "My life flashed before my eyes." But it was the exact opposite. Nothing flashed before my eyes except his headlights. I have been alive for 21 years, but I just haven't lived yet. So today I realized I should start living my life. I'm gonna start.....tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow I will start to live...

[edit on 29/11/06 by an3rkist]

Today I woke up with the familiar gnawing of need.
That's ok, though. It let's me know I'm alive.
Today I looked at the needle that would stop the gnawing.
Today I wondered if I really wanted the gnawing to end.
Today I thought about all the other days, after satisfying the gnawing, that I wondered if my heart would explode, or dug holes in my arms from the crawling.
Today I looked at the needle.
Today I allowed the gnawing to continue as I called my dad and cried.

Today I woke up and my mood was the same as the dark clouds I could see through my window. My soul ever darker since the breakup, only seems to weigh the rest of my body down. I faught my thoughts of ending it all, dressed skipping my shower. I walked to the office with the rain crushing my shoulders. I can feel the water flow thru me as if trying to purify my darkness. I almost walked in front of that bus until I bumped into her. Her dark punk outfit would have normally turned me off, but now it seems like a breath of fresh air. I could feel the electricity when our eyes met. She said she had this club we could met at tommorrow.