the differences between men and women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RELATIONSHIPS:

First of all , a Man does not call a relationship a relationship- he refers to it as " that time when me and suzie was doing it on a semi regular basis".
When a relationships ends , a Woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends , and she will write a poem called " ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS ". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go .
Six months after the break up , at 3:00 am , on a saturday night, he will call and say " I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and i hate you, and I ll never forgive ,your a total floozy . But I want you to know there is always a chance for us ".
This is known as the i hate you/i love you drunken phone call that every man has made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need , alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

WOMEN prefer 30 to 45 min of foreplay. MEN perfer 30 to 45 sec of foreplay. MEN consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster then men . Most 17 - females can function as adults . Most 17- year- old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
this is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:

Women look good in hats , men look like dorks .

COMEDY:

lets say a small group of men and women are in a room watching tv, and an episode of "THE THREE STOOGES" comes on . Immediately the men will get very excited , they will laugh uproariously , and even try to imiate CURLY their favorite stooge. the women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING :

To their credit , men do not decorate their penmenship. They just chicken-scratch.
women use colored scented stationary and they dot their " I S " with circles and hearts . women use ridiculously large loops in their p s and g s . it is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. even when she is dumping you , she ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS :

a man has at the most six items in his bathroom- a toothbrush, toothpaste ,shaving cream, a razor a bar of dial soap and a towel from the holiday inn.
The average number of items in a woman bathroom is 437 . a man would not be able to identify most of these items .

Magazines:

mens magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Womens magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies, This is because the female body is a work of art, while THE MALE BODY IS HAIRY AND LUMPY AND SHOULD NOT BE SEEN BY THE LIGHT OF DAY.

GROCERIES:

a woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
a man waits til the only things left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. then he goes grocery shopping . he buys everything that looks good. by the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter then the clampetts car on the beverly hillbillies . of course this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

Going out:

when a man says he is ready to go out , it means he is ready to go out. when a woman says she is ready to go out , it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earing and finishes putting on her makeup.

SHOES:

when preparing for work , a woman will put on a mondi wool suit, and then slip into reebok sneakers . she will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from saks . when a woman get to work ,she will put on her dress shoes. five min later , she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
a man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day .

LEG WARMERS:

leg warmers are sexy . a woman ,even when she is walking her dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers . she can wear them any time she wants.

a man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "GIMME THE BALL " number in "A CHORUS LINE"

CATS:
women love cats , men say they love cats ,but when women arent looking men kick cats.

Mirrors : men are vain , they will check themselves out in the mirrors .
women are ridiculours, they will check our their reflections in ANY SHINY SURFACE, mirrors, spoons , store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head.

Garages:
women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. they hang license plates in garages , and they watch tv in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies.

for women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in" gone with the wind ."
for men is when jimmy cagney shoves a grapefruit in mae clarks face in " public enemy"

jewelry:

women look nice when they wear jewelry ,
a man can get away with wearing one ring, and that it. any more then that , and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

when a woman reaches meonopause , she goes though a variety of complicated emotional, psychological and biological changes. the nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual .
menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy fench cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a porsche.

The telephone:

Men use the telephone as a communications tool. they use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
a woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks and upon returning home , she will call the same friend and they will talk to three hours.

Low blows:

Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on tv, one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. the woman says "oh gee the must hurt."
the man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions :

if a woman is our driving and she finds her self in unfamiliar surrounding , she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions .
men consider this a sign of weakness, men will never stop and ask for directions .
men will drive in circle for hours, all the while saying things like" looks like a found a new way to get there", and "i know im in the neighborhood, i recognize that white hen store"

ADMITTING MISTAKES:
a woman will sometimes admit making a mistake.
the last man who admitted that he was wrong was " GEN, GEORGE CUSTER.

RICHARD GERE:

women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:

ah children . a woman knows all about her children, she knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances, and best friends and secret fears , and favorite foods and hope and dreams.
a man is vaguely aware of short people living in the house-

Dressing up:

a woman will dress up to go shopping,water, plants , empty the garbage , answer the phone, read book ,get the mail.
a man will dress up for weddings ,and funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. this is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a MAN . the only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is RICHARD GERE . this is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman :

men think david letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth .
women think he is a mean semi -dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

cameras :

men take photography very seriously , they ll shell out $ 4,000 for state of the art equipement and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
women always purchase Kodak instamatics . of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:

men love to talk politics , but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
women are very happy a new generation of kennedys is growing up and getting into politic because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

locker rooms :

in the locker room , men will talk about three things money, football and women. they exaggerate about money, they dont know football as nearly as well as they think they do. and they fabricate stories about women.
women talk about one thing in the locker room- SEX AND NOT IN ABSTRACT TERMS EITHER-
they are extremely graphic and technical AND THEY NEVER LIE.

laundry:

women do laundry every couple of days .
a man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip 8 years ago, before he will do the laundry.
when he is finally out of cloths , he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U- HAUL, and take his mountain of cloths to the laundromat.
men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
this is a myth.

WEDDINGS.
when reminiscing about weddings women talk about the ceremony, men talk about the bachelor party.

cheerleaders :
female cheerleaders are cute sexy fresh and all American.
male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
men wear sensible socks , they wear standard white sweatsocks.
women wear strange socks , they are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have big fuzzy balls at the back.

Toys:

little girls love to play with toys, then when they reach the age of 11 or 12 they lose interest.
men never grow out of their obsession with toys.as they grow older, their toys simply become more expensive, and impractical . examples of mens toys:
little miniature tv, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders , graphic equalizers , small robots that serve cocktails on command. video games , anything that blinks, beeps, and requies at least six d batteries to operate.

plants:
a woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. the man waters the plants , when she returns home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants . no one knows why this happens .

mustaches:
some men look good with mustches, those men are Tom Selleck and burt reynolds.
there are no women who look good with mustches.

nicknames:

with the exception of female body. builders whop call each other names like " ultimate pecs and big turk, women eschew the use of nicknames.
if gloria, suzanne. deborah and michelle get together for lunch they will call each other gloria , suzanne and michelle . but if mike ,dave ,rob, and jack go out for a brewsky , they will affectionately refer to each other as bullet- head, godzilla, peanut brain, and uesless.

I haven't yet read this entire post but i checked one thing to see if you were missing one.
Men dominate the INTERNET.
Now, time to read this post, as i think it will be full of LOL's to tell my feminist sister.

How many women or men have you met that could possibly justify those claims?

Sure, some men are incredibly immature. Just as some women are incredibly immature.

But I am unaware if "idiots" constitute the majority of the female and male sex.

Maybe, you already know you are far from the truth. At any rate, this post is too idealistic.


Edit: Apparently it is a joke. I did indeed laugh.

Second edit: grammar >.>

reply to post by Anttyk47



it is meant as a huge LMAO

this is funny. some people might think your serious but those people have no sense of humor. some one who does will realize you made this for a laugh. i am one of those people.

reply to post by alysha.angel


LOL Great thread S+F

Funny stuff...

Have to disagree with this though...

GROCERIES:

a woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
a man waits til the only things left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. then he goes grocery shopping . he buys everything that looks good. by the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter then the clampetts car on the beverly hillbillies . of course this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

MEN: Often, we're just going there to get a few things. We have a mental list of about 10 items. We make a beeline for those items, and usually forget at least one of them (because we refuse to make a list...we know what we need). We get in, get the stuff, and get out. The only exception to this is when shopping for a week or more, and then we revert back to being a kid, and want everything we see on the shelves, for some bizarre reason.

If a man goes shopping when hungry, all bets are off, he'll grab EVERYTHING that looks good and throw it in the cart. This is a BAD idea, and we know it, but that doesn't stop us from doing it.

WOMEN: Even with a list, a woman will go up and down EVERY aisle, just in case so they don't miss a deal (and by deal, I mean buying too much of something to "save" money)... At the end, they'll have approximately two items that weren't on the list, for every ONE item that was.

reply to post by alysha.angel

Haha! Some astute observations there alysha.angel.

Another difference between ladies and gentlemen is time spent at an ATM / cash machine. A man will stick his card in, tap out how much he wants to withdraw, take his money and go. For some reason I have been unable to define, a woman will invariably spend hours giving her bank account the full audit treatment (checking her balance, ordering statements e.t.c) and often taking out her card and putting it back in the machine again to do god knows what else.

She will be completely ignorant of the queue of people fuming away behind her, drilling holes in the back of her head with their angry stares.

reply to post by alysha.angel

SEX:

WOMEN prefer 30 to 45 min of foreplay. MEN perfer 30 to 45 sec of foreplay. MEN consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Actually men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of sex, buying her drinks or washing pepperspray out of my eyes is foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster then men . Most 17 - females can function as adults . Most 17- year- old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
this is why high school romances rarely work.

Right and wrong, have you ever been to a gym? I go to LA fitness and a PAL program and at 27 men are still giving each other wedgies. But men are honest about it, women will talk about maturity while texting on a cell phone that has a heart and kitty stickers on it like some 13 year old.

COMEDY:

lets say a small group of men and women are in a room watching tv, and an episode of "THE THREE STOOGES" comes on . Immediately the men will get very excited , they will laugh uproariously , and even try to imiate CURLY their favorite stooge. the women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Wrong, men will put on the color purple and think it is the funniest thing ever while girls cry their eyes out.

HANDWRITING :

To their credit , men do not decorate their penmenship. They just chicken-scratch.
women use colored scented stationary and they dot their " I S " with circles and hearts . women use ridiculously large loops in their p s and g s . it is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. even when she is dumping you , she ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

see maturity

LEG WARMERS:

leg warmers are sexy . a woman ,even when she is walking her dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers . she can wear them any time she wants.

She can also complain about being single while she walks her dog home to her 9 cats.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. this is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a MAN . the only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is RICHARD GERE . this is another reason why men hate him.

Which prooves no matter how well of a woman is financially she will still take off her clothes if a man offers her money