Ok Writers, I need some input Please...

Ok so this assignment this week, which is already turned in, so, it's not to extort work out of you. Lol. I just wanted an opinion on how does it come across? We will be working onit as a working thesis till the fifth week.
I want it to be funny and I wanted it to be attractive for younger (children), as well as older people. Please honestly tell me what you think. Thanks in advance. Now here it is:

When I started my childhood education, I had no idea that the classroom would be a miniature war zone. The attackers were mostly every other student in my class and the target was me! I was singled out for whatever reason. I don’t think I was very different from anyone else in the classroom. I didn’t dress any differently, like we had any choice; I mean we were in a catholic school, and we had to follow dress code, so we all wore the same thing. I don’t think I was ugly. I had certainly seen uglier. I was shy, however, but never awkward. I was very small for my age, so maybe it was like the pack of wolves, hunting, separating the “weak” from the rest of the herd to attack. Whatever the reason, I soon learned that in order to survive, I would have to become defensive. I would have to fight the terrorists who were supposed to be my peers. This experience with childhood education made me the fighter that I am today.

reply to post by ldyserenity


Dear Idyserenity,
I am not a writer, per say, however my one comment would be that your writing is very similar to a written version of someone speaking. That isn't what writing should be about, from my limited perspective.

Regards,
T

reply to post by torqpoc


well that's what I was going for, in this case.

Written as speaking to a guidance counsellor could keep it in first-person narrative, if that's what you're going for. Or as a celebrity fighter giving an interview. Sounds like something like one of those.

All kinds of different tools for the writer. No one says you can't dare to try something different.

reply to post by ldyserenity


Dear Idyserenity,
Then it's very good! =)

As I said, limited perspective heh.

Regards,
T

reply to post by Erongaricuaro


I am trying to keep it different, so mine stands out lol. I actually got the idea from, of all places "Mean Girls" , LOL!