Scotland the MAD!!!

am really rather bored, more accurately I have much more important things to be doing but I see it fit to spend time writing a totally random thread while procrastinating lethargically. Think I might write about my home country or rather nation of Scotland, the Americans on this site do it often enough thought I would have a shot.

You see I don’t see myself as “Scottish” but rather “British” as I am what they call a “Unionist” that is to say one who wishes to maintain the British union. This however does not make me any less proud of my heritage or less of a patriot I am as proud say I am form the State of Grate Brittan as I am to say of the nation of Scotland. In truth I prefer Scotland so I am going to tell you why just because I am so utterly bored

As Scots we have this annoying trait of constantly trying to be completely different form everyone else, the Scottish Kilt is a perfect example that embodies all things Scottish. I often think the first Scotsman ever to wear a Kilt thought to himself “how can I make myself look as alternative as possible”. First he would have thought right everyone else has these trouser things so am going to wear a big colourful skirt made of wool. Then even his socks had to be different not just normal socks but huge white woollen socks and that for that “don’t piss me off” effect we’re going to keep a small dagger in them to, because everyone else keeps there daggers round there waist we’re putting it in a sock and bugger the practicality. If that wasn’t mad enough someone thought it would be a good idea to keep ones Irn Bru (more of that later) in a bag made out of a dead rabbit that hangs over ones groin. Speaking of the groin when wearing the kilt some genius thought it would be a laugh and a bit more alternative to where no underwear with the kilt, in Scotland were its constantly cold. Now as a result we Scots have created the most unpractical traditional dress possible that looks totally ridiculous yet to see a man walk down a street wearing his kilt automatically means one must respect that man. I do wonder how we managed to invent so much for the world we are the most inventive nation around yet we are most famous for what is essentially a skirt. But I love wearing a Kilt but if I invented the Kilt tomorrow everyone would say I am mad and they would be right!

This is one of the only nations were Coke is the second most popular drinks, this is because we made our own drink it’s called Irn Bru, that’s right we’re so determined to be different we refuse to even spell it right. This is a drink that really does contain Iron as one of its ingredients and tastes like licking the hull of aircraft carrier built on the Clyde. Of course our most famous drinks are our fine whisky’s (again spelt differently) it comes from our fine water and our urge to get as drunk as possible, however it is so expensive we need something different. It’s called Buckfast or “Buckie” it’s a horrid vile crappy liquid there really are not enough negative adjectives to describe how bad it is. Its only purpose is to get the drinker, who is usually about 14 years old and called Larson, very drunk, very quick, before his parents or the pollis (police) catch him.

The one thing that seems to unite us is some strange undying hatred of all things English, the biggest insult you can bestow upon me is to call me English. This hated goes back about 400 year, we Scots have a very long memory, but it’s also a very inaccurate memory. Ask a Scotsman why we hate the English his response will usually be “have you seen bravehart mate?”. Speaking of bravehart, Mel Gibson and Bill Clinton are some of the few Americans we like, Mel because he was caught drinking almost as much alcohol as a Scot on a Friday night and Bill because he was getting it on in the oval office. We also really like Bush, but more as a comedian than a serious statesman oh and we love the good people of California for bringing back the terminator.

Going out in Scotland is very dangerous if you dress wrong you’re as good as dead. If one goes out with a Celtic or Rangers football top on and is in the wrong area there is an 80% chance of getting stabbed or as we like to say “chibed”. Even if you do manage to dress right for the occasion we’re all mad one guy hold the door open for you and then five minutes later will slam the door on your face. People will randomly shout insults at you like “OI fatty I shagged you’re maw da other night tell er no tay spend dat tip I gay da munter n Greggs”, then he buys you a drink. Best bit of this is that we’re all really nice people, if you need help and there’s a scot by your side you’re sorted unless he’s drunk.

In Scotland we are plagued by these things we call “NED’s” they are funny little creatures aged about 10 to 25. They usually move in groups of up to about 30 all of them were the same burbary cloths or latest Adidas shell suit with Nike trainers that are so white they get lost when it snows. These people spend most of their time getting drunk (Pished) on buckie and being antisocial. They tend to try their hands at graffiti art by drawing massive phalluses on walls and they like to steel things and torment their neighbours in any way they can. If they get caught it’s seen as a victory rather than a loss, more times a NED get “lifted” the higher up the group he moves. Female Neds usually go by names like Destiny (after the club she was conceived in) or Chrystal, they all think they are supermodels but the reality is that they are slightly over wait girls with bleached blond hair who will sleep with anything with a plus provided your Nissan Micra has big enough rims. The other odd thing about these girls is the fact that they are grandmothers by the time they reach puberty.

Remember the Glasgow terrorist attacks, only in Scotland would we jump at a burning man and beat him to the ground then announce on TV “We wana send a message to Al-Qaida, if you come to Scotland we’ll set about ya”. The guy that beat the burning man nearly became a member of parliament; we set up website in his honour and tried to get him a knighthood he even walked out with the national football team. All he done was attack a man who was on fire and then effectively declare war on Al-Qaida. I will never forget big Smeato.

We are a country of Football fanatics (real football) but we are awful at it we didn’t even qualify for the world cup last year. But we are amazing at curling yet no one ever pays any attention to this we just don’t care, we’re also really good elephant polo!.

I really could go on all day about how mad Scotland is, but it’s really a great place, it’s amazing and it’s the madness that makes it so amazing.

Think i’ll go do something productive.

Hey Kevin,

Happy New Year to ye from a fellow Scot (Lewis/Aberdeen)

Your half cut aren't ye?

he he!

reply to post by HelionPrime


Yeah...... getting there.

a couple of friends of mine are scots ( lowlanders)

god gotta love em they crack me up every time with their daft humor

You forgot the ' deep fried mars bars' and our phobia of eating anything even remotely close to healthy.

Was never much of a buckie fan myself when I was a teen. I preferred Thunderbird. Anyone remember that? Is it still made?

flc

Not to mention tight fisted.. Ever tried to get a round out of a sweaty sock (jock)?

Become EXTRA Scottish when abroad over doing the accent and wearing that girly pleated skirt at the drop of a hat.

Blame all their own missdeeds and everything else on the English.

Thus taking responsability not a national trait.

However we share a love of alcohol and this island, and fight just as good together as against each other as we all love a good scrap.

reply to post by funlovincriminal


WOW! You’re so right how did i Forget the deep fat fired Mars Bar?

reply to post by kevinunknown


maybe the 'buckie' brought about some temporary amnesia