Opposite Sex Jokes

Ladies and Gents,

This thread is dedicated to tasteful jokes of the opposite sex, but please keep it within the T&C of ATS. Thanks

RT Caveat: I consider myself and equal opportunity offender, meaning I do my best to offend everyone equally, my male counterparts on ATS will vouch for this.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

Dear Ladies Welcome to the Husband Store:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 39,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that some women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The Wife Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

This Blonde walks into a bar....

.....and says Ouch!

1.

A woman is out playing golf with some of her friends when a miscalculated swing sents her ball deep into a clump of trees. Muttering to herself as her friends carry on without her, she heads into the trees to retrieve it.

As she pokes around in the undergrowth, her foot comes down on something hard and, by the sound of it, metallic. She looks down to investigate, and finds a rusty old lamp which, according to tradition, she shines on her sleeve. Completely unexpectedly, out pops a genie.

"Hello," says the genie, "I am the genie of the golf course, and I am here to grant you three wishes."

"Huh," says the woman, "In that case -"

"But wait, there's more... a recent study found that having your hearts desire often ended marriages, so in an attempt to keep people together, your spouse will also receive ten times whatever you wish for."

The woman considers.

"In that case, I'd like to be the richest woman in the world, and I'd like to be the most beautiful woman in the world."

The genie is surprised.

"You do understand that this will make your husband ten times wealthier than you, but also drop-dead gorgeous of the likes this world has never seen before? The combination will have women flocking to him from all over the globe."

"I understand," the woman nods, "And I'd also like a mild heart attack."


(Added for the comfort of male readers - the husband's heart attack was ten times as mild).

2.

Man: You know, I think we should try switching positions tonight.
Woman: Sure. You cook, wash up, and do the ironing, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart.

This is not a opposite sex more a sexist joke.
Why dont you buy a women a watch? because there is a clock on the stove
Why do women have small feet? That way they can stand closer to the stove