101 uses for superflous phone books

I'll start things off with my orignal offering:

Use them to rate ammo.

As in "this .223 round penetrates a whole NYC yellow pages at 200 yards!" or "This .44 special talon round make less that a half in hole in the front, but deflates so radically that it ripped the whole back page off the Atlanta phonebook." Or "the .25 calliber is so puny it couldn't make it past the A's in an Albuquerque phonebook!"

Ours is about 4" thick. An exellent projectile for cats that come into our fenced yard.

Originally posted by intrepid
Ours is about 4" thick. An exellent projectile for cats that come into our fenced yard.

Cat would probably see it coming. Then it would just move to another part of the yard. You would then would probably have to go out and pick up the phonebook; since the grass its covering would die off in 2 days. What a predicament.

ROFL, maybe not a good projectile but it would always have a designated spot in the recycling bin. Like the free Liberal that comes around 3 times a week.

Phone books also make good step ladders for short people

Use them to press flowers

Improvised dart-boards


(A lot of my uses involve the phonebook as a target. I suppose that shows some sort of deep-seated rage at being 'published' agianst my will.)

No #. good point Doctor.

How about using phonebooks to whack people who are cruel to animals in the head to teach them a lesson or two ?

(See the "Squirrels" thread...grrrrrrrr)

Administer you're own impromptu lottery:

Pick a name at random out of the residential section, and mail that person a buck.

Or you could pick 50 names, and address envelopes to them. Then type out 49 "Dear recipient, you may already be a loser!" letters, and one winning letter. Stuff the envelopes at random and let 'em be mailed. Not even you will know the real winner. . . .

-coasters for your potted plants.
Right after you water, the excess "flow-through" dribbles everywhere. SO use a phonebook as a coaster. It absorbs the mess.

-For kindling; starting a fire in the fireplace

-For mulch

-ad hoc toilet paper.

Hey!

I could use that when I forget my chair at home!


(true story ... about a month ago, my opponent was going to bean me with a chair to get disqualified -- only, the venue we were at said we couldn't use their chairs for chairshots. Unfortunately none of us had brought our own. I could've totally used that phone book instead of the metal pipe! *rubs head*)

I mean, I know that plumbers have to bring their own tools to a job-site, but COME ON!!!

If you come over to my house and entertain my kids, I'll pony up for a couple of lawn chairs for y'all to wack each other with. (Just stay clear of the china cabinet. . . .)

Now I have an image of a surgeon standing over his patient, and a nurse saying "whadd'ya mean, 'scalpel'? You have to provide your own golf clubs, doncha????"

Anyway.


I wonder if we should mail old phonebooks to Iraq. Soldiers could improvise body armor from them--especially against .223 weapons. . . .

You have my promise that I am not making this up. Our local zoo collects phonebooks to give to chimpanzees and gorillas as enrichment items.

Personally, I am with dr_strangecraft. I use them to stop bullets. Soaking wet paper pulp makes for some great recovered projectiles. You have to be careful digging out those Talon bullets. ouch!

Frau Dr. and I have been out of the country for a while, and I just got around to checking this site. . .

I laughed my butt off when I read "enrichment items."

Phonebooks????

An enrichment item would be, say, a lock-pick set. Maybe some day-trading software. Perhaps a deck of cards so that the Gorillas could work the crowds with a game of three-card monte.

My whole reason for starting this thread was precisely because I find phonebooks to not to be "enrichment items," but instead, they are are "impovershment items!"

At least for the crania of the more specialized primates . . .

Originally posted by KayEm
No #. good point Doctor.

How about using phonebooks to whack people who are cruel to animals in the head to teach them a lesson or two ?

(See the "Squirrels" thread...grrrrrrrr)

my squirrels thread? Squirrels are evil and out to eat our young!!!

You can use a phonebook to play a game of whack-a-squirrel

NOTE: I have never killed a squirrel and don't plan to but they are evil. So be warned!!!

Hey now I wont be using "good" paper to roll up into a ball to use for my sucky basketball shots....um..my trash can is tinyyyy.

Sorry I_S_I_S, what was that? I'm still trying to Grok the idea of a phonebook as an enrichment item

use number 17:

A cheap whoopie cushion. If you hold it in one hand and sort of riffle the pages quickly with the other hand, sort of like a slinky, then the phonebook makes a sort of muffled pharting noise.

quite satisfying.


use number 18:

free fireplace log


use number 19:

a one-time restaurant guide, if you are the sort that rips out the page you want from the phone book. I was watching an old episode of Columbo, and noticed that he does this when he is tracking someone. "Hmmm. Dr. Vargas----RIP!--lets just see if you still live at 1403 Chestnut place!"

Pretty rude, really.

Use number 20:
Napkin supply when uninvited guests show up to help you eat pizza. "Dude! your getting it everywhere! Here, use this! (handing them a page from the book.)"

I was just going to say, kindling for a fire.

Use Number Twenty One:
To find every number EXCEPT the one you're looking for....

Use Number Twenty Two:
Impress each page against your forehead and see how many numbers you can rub off.....I'm not responsible for paper cuts on your head.....

Use Number Twenty Three:
Short-range frisbee golf.....with a shredder!

Use Number Twenty Four:
Hollow the pages out with an exacto knife, leaving exactly a one inch perimeter....Insert a smelly dead fish...Call the telephone book people and let them know someone has gutted your book and left it for dead, and you require a new one immediately....When they deliver your new book, watch with joy as they open your old book and puke into your homemade-smelly-dead-fish-telephone-book-puke-receptacle....Then go outside and proceed to join in with the heartily laughing telephone book man....

Use Number Twenty Five:
Using various colored sharpies, draw a face on the front of your telephone book...Drag it around with you everywhere you go and call her Marsha....Try not to slap her in public too often, as she will become rather annoying....

….lol…..Welcome back from your adventures Herr Dr….Long time no see