Tell me a joke. I need a laugh.

Q:Why should Irish bean soup only be made with 239 beans?
A:Because one more would be too farty.

(for those who know some slang spanish)
Q:Why did the blond girl start having sex with a lot of Mexicans?
A:Because her teacher told her that to bring up her grade she had to start doing more "Eses".


Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled
and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had
to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is
19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling
and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by
checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

Who is the opposite of Christopher Walken???

Christopher Reeve...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive these jokes, keep them coming.

A little cheesy but what the hay.

Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

A cop pulls over a woman for speeding and notices her eyes are red. He says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The driver replies, "No officer, but your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

Moses is sitting in a b..... uh.... a cafe.
In walks former president Bush.
After a few minutes Bush recognizes the old Moses, and comes over to say hello.
Bush: "Hey now there, ain't you Moses"
Moses: "-----" (silence)
Bush: "Hey Mr. Moses, you're a big hero of mine"
Moses: "--------"
Bush: "What's the matter, you won't say hello?"
Moses: "------"
Bush: "Was it something I did?"
Moses: "---------"
Bush : "Well know I know I'm not "Moses" or anything but I was President ya know"
Moses: "---------"
Bush: "FINE!!!!!!"

And Bush walks away.

The barista asks Moses, "Hey why wouldn't you speak to him?"

Moses replied "The last time I spoke to a bush I spent 40 years in the wilderness"

Another true one:

My oldest son was partnering a girl for her debutante ball, and the other kids and I were all going. Being in their late teens, the kids were worried their mum might embarrass them. So I had to promise to not say anything to anyone that might cause them to blush.

We were shown a table and served a typical dinner-dance feed, which I was quietly eating, when the argument between the couple opposite began to get heated. They couldn't seem to agree, and everyone in the hall by then knew what they were disagreeing about. Eventually they both turned to me to support their respective views.

Despite them being older than me, and knowing my kids would kill me, I had to give them the benefit of my sage wisdom. - besides, I'd heard the subject discussed on a sex talk-back show the day before.

So I passed on what I'd heard.

"Hello Sally. You say you are having marital difficulties?"
"Well, yes, John. We both agree we have enough children, and it's time for one of us to get the snip."
"Oh, I see, Sally. And you're husband is a little nervous of having it done, is he? Well just explain it's a much simpler and quicker operation for the man. And explain it's cheaper too, that often helps to convince men."
"No John, you don't understand, he's insisting he be the one to get done, and I'm trying to talk him out of it so I can get my tubes tied instead."
"But Sally, it's a much worse operation for a woman. Just let him get a vasectomy seeing he's already agreed."
And Sally answered, almost in tears, "but John, can't you understand? I not only don't want to get pregnant to my husband, I don't want to get pregnant to anyone!"

The guy opposite me turned pale and his mouth dropped open.
Quickly he put an arm around his wife and apologised.
"I'm sorry dear, I just wasn't thinking. Of course I'll have the snip."

And now some black humour:

Settle down, black in this context has nothing to do with race . . .

Overheard on the radio, many years ago.
"Just in.
There has been an huge explosion on Coode Island.
Stored chemicals are on fire,
Three people are reported dead, several injured
and bits and pieces are still coming through."

More of the dark stuff -

I arrived home one night to find a vicious, half-drunk, karate-trained friend of a friend had decided to take what I would not give him. He'd broken into my home and laid in wait for me. All I could think of while he punched me was how surprisingly appropriate my evening's "entertainment" had been. I'd been at a Buddhist temple meditating on, "I shall surely die tonight."
After hours of him hammering this message into my head I was a bleeding mess, but he'd still not got his way, and he sat down on the carpet, threatened me some more, and started snoring.

Despite threats he'd made and fear for my children I struggled down the road to the phone box, which worked for a change, and dialed emergency. It was either take the risk of calling the police, (he'd promised to kill us all if I did,) or live in fear of him.

Four coppers soon showed up, but didn't want to come in when they saw the mess I was in. (This was before Aussie cops got into the habit of shooting on sight.) I dragged the quivering cowards in and pointed out it would be stupid to wake him and read his rights before they handcuffed him, as he wasn't going to remember anyway.

So he woke, hands already cuffed in front of him, cops standing over him.
"Arrest her, arrest her!" he roared at them, struggling to grab me.
"Arrest her?" they asked, puzzled. "What did she do?"
"My fists, owww, my fists, look what she did to my fists".
So they took a look at his poor bruised and bleeding fists, the knuckle bones showing, and then stared at me in horror, demanding to know how I'd done that.
Shane answered for me.
"It was her head! Her head was too hard!"

Sometimes it pays to have a thick skull.


To the disgust of the coppers, the judge, at the arraignment the next morning, ordered Shane be released on bail.
However the silly guy thought it would be an idea to stalk them out to the car park and bash them up, landing one in hospital. Even cops get fed up with the justice system sometimes, so, between that, and Shane having promised in front of them he was coming back to kill me and the kids, they decided to look after things their way.


A few weeks later I was back at the doctor's because of bad dreams. he was very sypathetic at first, explaining it was natural to still be afraid and keep reliving the event. When I told him no, I wasn't frightened, I just didn't like dreaming night after night that I was killing this arse-hole, because I didn't like doing that, he kicked me out.


Six months later, in court Shane's weasely lawyer tried a little character assassination.
"You are a masseur, are you not?" he asked in a contemptuous tone.
I knew he had my card, I'd given it to him the previous year when I'd stood up as a character witness for this mongrel who'd just beaten me up.
"No, I replied, smiling innocently."
"I can prove you are masseur! He insisted. Do you deny this is your business card? Do you deny it says on this card you are a masseur?"
"I not only deny it, I suggest you show this card to the judge and ask her to help you with your reading."
So he smugly marched over to the judge, who pointed out the card said "Clinical Masseuse", not masseur, explained the difference between masseur and masseuse very slowly in one syllable words, told him she personally saw a Clinical Masseuse once a week, and asked in a threatening voice if he had anything relevant to bring up.

Next the weasel put Shane into the dock, and tried to put across a bit of a Story.
He got Shane to lie that he'd been trying to steal my television, saying I'd come home and caught him in the act and started hitting me, so he'd had to defend himself. Shane went along with the stealing part, but when asked to confirm that I was an expert fighter and he was afraid for his life:
"What? Her fight? Hahaha! She couldn't hurt a fly!"

The moral is, if you are silly enough to get eaten up, at least get beaten up by a self-incriminating idiot with an idiot lawyer.


Despite a doctor testifying that Shane had broken 4 bones in my head and almost killed me, he only got 6 months, but the cops fixed that. Each time he was released they'd just happen to be waiting outside Pentridge, they'd say a few words about his sister, he'd throw some punches, and they'd get him locked up again.

Twenty years later, he's still never been released for more than five minutes at a time.
Some people never learn.


Three years later the case came up before the Crimes Compensation Tribunal.
The judge had all the details of my injuries, and just needed to hear my victim impact statement.
I needed money badly, and knew I should make the most of my sob-story, but somehow, when it was my turn, I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to have fully recovered and to be alright now. So I couldn't lie, not even when she asked if I didn't at least have bad dreams from the experience.

Kicking myself for throwing away the chance to get money like this, I waited for her verdict.
"I have been listening to sob stories all day," she said, "and I'm not sure I believe any of them.
And I don't believe yours either. I was going to award you $5,000 on the basis of your injuries, but after hearing your story, (a heartbreaking pause, then she looked at me, her stern face brightened by a twinkle in her eye,) I'm raising that to $10,000."


Just before I'd been bashed, a friend had persuaded me, despite my scepticism, to visualise every day that I was in a home of my own, despite it looking obvious that was never going to happen. I'd only gone ahead with it to prove him wrong.

In the meantime a government loan had become available, but I had to produce a deposit the week of the compensation hearing or miss out.
- A deposit of $10,000.

reply to post by Kailassa


Darn this short editing time-window.

A sentence from the above should read:
"The moral is, if you are silly enough to get Beaten up, at least get beaten up by a self-incriminating idiot with an idiot lawyer."

Nobody got eaten up that night.

try this

when my granpa died he left me a great watch,
i grabbed it off his wrist before the coroner came...

Q. What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a shihtzu?

A. A Bullshiht

..............................................

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Ahdunip.
Ahdunip who??
Ew! You smelly thing!

I feel kind of sorry for Hitler.

His mates have left him hanging for a high-five in most pics you see of him, poor guy.

*Borat* :

I have a joke! There's this chair! - A wooden chair - and it has eh, legs! It has legs and it walks!! Hahaha! It has the legs and it goes walking!! Like, this!! (Does chair walking impression) hahaha! A walking chair!! That's a good joke? Yes??

This suit is black-not.

This suit is black.





Not.

Originally posted by Kailassa
More of the dark stuff -

I arrived home one night to find a vicious, half-drunk, karate-trained friend of a friend had ......................................
In the meantime a government loan had become available, but I had to produce a deposit the week of the compensation hearing or miss out.
- A deposit of $10,000.

edit on 26/11/10 by Kailassa because: must spell rite, must spell rite, must spell . . .

that was one hell of a story and made my day. Sometimes, finding light in the dark is the greatest achievement there is. Inspiring,Thanks for sharing

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering column between his legs. the barman asks "why do you have a steering column between your legs?" pirate says " YARRR, its drivin' me nuts"

I have always liked this quote from WC Fields:

Twas a woman who led me down the road to drink, and I never wrote to thank her.


What does a gay horse eat?

HHHEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAA

Thanks for the jokes, all. They were great.

Heres' a oldy but goody

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

(Hardy har har! )

What's the difference between brown nosing and ass kissing?

Depth Perception !

Why don't witches wear underwear?

Better grip on the broom....