How do you show a girl that you've regained your confidence after a traumatic incident?

I met a girl through some drama. I am going to a college right now and I'm new to it. I just transferred. I was trying to make friends with people in the first week. I met this one girl and asked her if we could hang out like in the second week or something like that. I knew her from some class of mine before.

I thought a friendship would be able to work. She invited me to a dinner with some of her friends at the pub then she completely rejected me. One of her other friends thought that I was really nice and wanted to be friends with me. This other friend of mine has been talking to me and we've been hanging out around campus.

I don't know her as well as her other friends because well it just took me a long time to get over the inciting incident with her other friend that rejected me. I've been talking to her more now and I've been getting to know her a bit more... but I don't want to just tell her that I feel more confident than I used to be, I want to show it through actions. I feel that I've been doing it because I've been hanging out with her and I haven't been talking about the past or anything like that. I have been getting to know her just as an individual person.

She says that she's been friends with people who haven't been friends with that other girl that I was originally trying to be friends with... and she says to not worry about it. It's just that it's more about the perception in my own head that has been holding me back about her and her being friends with the other girl... like I was kind of not willing to talk to her because I thought she would tell the friend that rejected me everything that was going on. Now I feel that I've kind of regained my confidence, and I kind of trust in her a bit more now and I have much less paranoia about our friendship than I did before, but I want to show it.

Is what I'm saying making sense? Is what I'm doing right? Should I just treat the past like it doesn't exist and just treat her like I've been treating her like a new friend?

Should I talk to her about what I've been feeling? IDK if any of you can relate... but this happened very early on in my college experience (like 2 weeks after I transferred) so now I'm better friends with this other girl, but the incident had a traumatic impact on me at first but I feel that I've regained my confidence. So, I want to be friends with this girl in the way that she wanted to be friends with me... but like I just want to show that I can be more of a serious friend now. She's been with me this whole time when I was anxious and everything so she's seen that side of me already... but I want to show her that I have other sides of me too (I think she understands the emotional baggage that I had earlier).

What is the scope of this though? The girl who rejected you, was it publicly and you were embarrassed in front of a lot of people? I would say not to stress on it anymore... these things happen. The only thing you can do is move on from here.

As for bringing up the past with your new friend.. I'd can it. Some things if brought up will bring back old feelings or put your head back in that place. You needed to tell someone about your feelings and the event, and that's what you're doing now in this thread. Talk about it here rather than stirring up something you might regret.

The 'other girl' may have been special to you, but she 'rejected' you. Move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea my friend.

As for being worried about your new friend telling the other girl details on things.. that's going to happen anyways. It's only that you know the person she'll be telling. What I mean is.. If the 'other girl' didn't exist, she'd be telling another girlfriend about you two. People talk.

Originally posted by MurrayTORONTO
What is the scope of this though? The girl who rejected you, was it publicly and you were embarrassed in front of a lot of people? I would say not to stress on it anymore... these things happen. The only thing you can do is move on from here.

She didn't technically embarrass me publically. She was dishonest to me at first. I'm going to make a long story short and give out some details about what happened and why i was so traumatized. I work for the school paper and she's an editor for the school paper.

People are allowed at the school are allowed to have friends with other people on a professional basis. I am friends with this other girl who is friends with her and she has a title at a club that I go to. I'm also friends with this writing tutor and he's been able to help me out and still be friends with me without playing favoritism when he went over my stuff.

It's just that in an email that this girl sent me she made it seem to me that she wanted to be friends with me but she couldn't because of her job so I thought that she wanted to be friends with me but couldn't. So when I was talking to people about this in the past everyone else knew that this girl didn't want to be friends with me so I was under the assumption that she really did want to be friends with me and I felt embarrassed because of that.

She didn't do it publicly. She only told the head of the writing center (the head of the writing center runs the newspaper) and I had to talk about it, and it was brought to the attention of my Mom (I was going to have a conference with the student support services lady and my Mom was supposed to come and it was talked about it then, and it made it seem like I was having more emotional issues with people than I really was)... and people were worried that I was having some emotional problems or something. So I felt really embarrassed about it because I not only am not friends with her but also because I got in trouble with it for a time. I'm not in trouble with the head of the writing center anymore, but I think you get my drift.

As for bringing up the past with your new friend.. I'd can it. Some things if brought up will bring back old feelings or put your head back in that place. You needed to tell someone about your feelings and the event, and that's what you're doing now in this thread. Talk about it here rather than stirring up something you might regret.

That's what I was thinking. I haven't been talking to her about the past or anything like that. I've been treating her like a new friend and like someone who I just met. I guess if I just say something about the past though she'll think about it and then she might decide not to be friends with me because she might be seeing that I'm anxious (when I'm not and just wanted to talk about it). I guess the past is just left in the past then.

The 'other girl' may have been special to you, but she 'rejected' you. Move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea my friend.

I'm figuring that out as I go along.

As for being worried about your new friend telling the other girl details on things.. that's going to happen anyways. It's only that you know the person she'll be telling. What I mean is.. If the 'other girl' didn't exist, she'd be telling another girlfriend about you two. People talk.

Fair enough. I just was somewhat paranoid at first about being friends with her because I thought that she would be telling the other friend everything as if she was some sort of spy. Now I trust her more than I did before. But, like I just want to show that I trust her more through my actions if you know what I mean.

I don't know. So I didn't really face public embarrassment as much as private embarrassment over what had happened. The school expects people to do certain things socially correctly so in the meeting people thought that I was having some trouble with students and if it wasn't with this girl, it would be with someone else. So... like I was personally embarrassed by it (not publicly). Is what I'm saying making sense? I'm a transfer student so they wanted to make sure that everything was going smoothly and this kind of made it seem like I was having more problems than I was.

I just want to show my friend that I've moved beyond all of that, and like that I'm really not as anxious or having that much anxiety as I did before. It was really bothering me before not because of how much trouble it caused with my relationships with other people. It mostly had to do with my private life and how much stress I was getting from other people who I was talking to about it.

reply to post by Frankidealist35

I just want to show my friend that I've moved beyond all of that, and like that I'm really not as anxious or having that much anxiety as I did before. It was really bothering me before not because of how much trouble it caused with my relationships with other people. It mostly had to do with my private life and how much stress I was getting from other people who I was talking to about it.

If you've moved past it (and I'm questioning whether you truly have or not) than you would not need to show your friend anything (consciously) as you would already be doing so just by the way you live and act and think and speak in your day to day activities. You see, moving past something means it no longer holds weight over your current actions/life and frankly, it appears to me (just by what you've wrote) that the past is still holding weight over the present. If you really want to move past something, do it by not allowing it to creep into the present. You will know you've accomplished this (and so will your friend) when you realize (maybe out of the blue) that you you are no longer now or have been thinking about it...

reply to post by LadySkadi


I guess I should clarify. I'm not really thinking about that other girl. I'm thinking about this new girl that I'm friends with now. I have been eating lunch with her and we've hung out a few times already. It's just that I'm wondering if she'll allow herself to be more serious with me given what she knows about my past. So I'm not really thinking about the past anymore... and I want to be more serious friends with this other girl.

I just want to be able to completely trust her like I an with my other friends. I haven't been thinking about the past at all. In fact I haven't talked about the past with her or said anything about the past for the past few weeks. I've told her I was over it and we haven't mentioned anything really about the past since then. Right now I just want to take it one step further and treat her more like one of my other friends... Is what I'm saying making sense now?

The past to me is irrelevant. I'm just wondering if the past to the other girl is somewhat relevant or not. That's what the real issue is with this. I just don't want her perception of me to be the perception of me from the past and I want to be able to show her the "real me", if you know what I'm saying. I've been doing it for a few weeks now but I feel like I want to go a bit further and be a bit more serious.

So, I AM NO LONGER THINKING ABOUT THE PAST, I'M JUST WORRIED THAT SHE MIGHT BE THINKING ABOUT IT.

reply to post by Frankidealist35

Right. Ok. I was actually referring to the "new" girl (not the first one) as well, but I get what you're saying. My advice still is the same - the past is the past. Leave it there and so will she. Move on with her, without considering whether she is judging you for the past. If she is and it's negative, she wouldn't be hanging with you now, anyway... Trust takes time and getting to know each other so just keep doing what you're doing and focusing on the present. The rest takes care of itself. No need to over-think this, promise...

reply to post by LadySkadi


Okay. I just wanted to say that I am actually going to have to go against the advice you gave me. It turns out that this friend of mine is friends with other people that this other girl was friends with on this night. I don't have a problem with my friend's other friends, but I'm going to have to bring up the past in just this one instance. It's just like that I've been successfully able to repress this memory and not think about it... but like she was walking with one of her friends from that night, and he remembered me and said hello to me, and it kind of brought back all of these memories. I am somewhat of a memorable person so when I run into the people that met me on that night they remember me even though I want nothing really to do with most of them (except for this girl).

So I would rather that she acted like that night never existed. It's like with this one girl... the one that rejected me I tried to still talk to her but it always brought back these memories of that night, and I had to still talk to her because she was a newspaper section editor, but now I go through someone else. But it's just more for me. I'm sure she would understand since she saw how anxious I got before. I know that it wouldn't show that I got over it... but I just feel that I really am going to have to go against your advice, JUST THIS ONCE, and then I'm not going to bring it up again.

I am trying to ignore those other people that I encountered on that night. I have no problems with this girl who still wanted to be friends with me. But I just don't want her to feel that I'm ignoring her or avoiding her or anything... but I'm just avoiding those other friends. I didn't think it would be an issue but when I saw this one person like all my memories were triggered and the suppressed thoughts came back to me.

Does that kind of make sense as to why I would want to not deal with them? Maybe I'm overreacting... but I don't really dislike these people as for who they are. It's just that I want to mentally protect my own psych as much as possible and I want my friendship with this other girl to work. For the most part it's been working since we've been hanging around with other people that I didn't see on that night... but I can see it maybe being an issue.

Well,one old guy to one young guy.

You are going to college to get a education and not socialize.

Spend more time doing the first and less time doing the last.

And stop using the word "like" when writing your posts.

You sound as if you are a 17 year old Valley girl.

And this is from a guy who as a 18 year old farm boy had 23 year old street smart black guys asking me for advice on their relationships.

Activate Jerkmode imo.

reply to post by Oneolddude


I am going to college to get an education but socializing is part of the college experience. At college you have to do certain things socially. There are wild parties, there are all kinds of people that you interact with and at my school the school has somewhat of a smaller community since it's a private school so there aren't many people there; you have to learn to deal with other people. I need to learn to deal with these things since basically at my school everyone knows who you are and you don't want to get a reputation from anything.

Also, just from a young guy to an old guy, you've already learned the skills that you need to learn to interact with the rest of the world. College is a place where you learn how to interact in the real world. You meet lots of people. You make contacts. You make friends. You already have probably done all of this. Well, I'm still kind of learning and seeing how things will go. There is no need to be so judgmental.

reply to post by Frankidealist35


Good luck with your dating situation, but college doesn't do a whole lot to prepare you for the "real" world. It's more like an assisted living facility.