How to find love when starting all over again?

Some people think that you only find love once in your life.
This will be the guy, the girl you are going to marry and when you die you are still with the same partner.

But sometimes life leads us another path.

We find somebody we love. We are going to marry this special one and than one day we’ll find ourselves in a courtroom getting divorce.

And the whole game starts all over again.
But this time it is different.

First of all you are older than the first time.

Than you have friends – as a girl especially female friends who are either still married or divorced like yourself.

The married ones start not to invite you anymore when it comes to bigger parties than just having a coffee with the friend or a small breakfast.
You might take their husbands away.
Surely you like their husbands, they have always been good pales but you never thought and still don’t think of them as love partners.
But you stared to become a potential danger.

Those female friends who are also divorced make it even worse.
We have two groups in this case or maybe three, I am not sure yet.

1st group is the one who steps out of the courtroom having a new love at hand.
In this case, even if not married, they switch over to the groups of the married friends who regard you as a potential danger.

2nd group the one who are not yet ready for a new relationship. The group of those who are still suffering. “I am not yet over Pete. I just can’t go out.”
Yeah my friend you knew for 3 years that your Pete was a kickass and will remain it and won’t come back.

And there is group number 3.
Those who want a new relationship but strongly believe that the game is over for them.
Wonderful, beautiful women in the midst of her life …
Intelligent women, who believe they hardly have a chance anymore.
“All we can expect are those who never got a woman, the bald, the ones with the huge bellies ……”

And last but not least your own demons, which live in your head and try to devaluate you every day.

The hurt sometimes goes on and on.
The ex has hurted you to make himself look better, but you believed him and still believe him so easily.
You really believe you are not worthwhile being loved for so many reasons:
Being to fat
Being to skinny
Being to blonde
Being not blonde enough
Being to young
Being to old

The list is endless and women tend to believe in the worst.

And the dating game has changed during the years.
Most of us, who started playing again the game of finding a new love, are in our 30s, 40s or maybe 50s.

Some of us live all alone, some have very young children to care for, and some have older children, for whom they also have to care.

Exhausting jobs demand most of our time or if we don’t have a job we are looking for one.

But we are all united in the desire to find somebody.
Somebody who will love us the way we are – this time for real and ever.
Or just somebody who holds us tight when nights get cold.
Or a simple one-night-stand to push our self-consciousness.

Time is much more limited than about 20 years ago, internet dating sucks somehow – even if the woman only wants just a man for her bed, it is nicer to exchange more than a simple “hi” or “hello” before going to bed ;D.


So the question is:
How to find love again if life is not that perfect anymore?

After three years of being single I can only say that I absolutely and utterly relate to every single word you just typed.

I concur with what you have posted. I found that when looking for love you're not going to find it, it is when you're not looking that the someone special comes into your life. So have fun, don't search for love (to hard), love has a way of finding you. Peace.

Internet dating doesn't have to be like that.

I met my partner on and internet dating site and we have been together for 5 years, nearly 6.

Just have some fun with it, meet people for coffee, if you think they're a jerk don't meet them again, if you think they're nice go on another date. It doesn't have to be about jumping into bed with people you hardly know just because it's on the internet!

thanks a bunch for your replies

quiet interesting that we share the same experiences.

for internet dating:
i don.t think that it is all bad.
only my personal experiences are not that good at all.

i am from germany and most guys here seem to think that internet dating is a synonym for finding a willing girl just for sex.
if the guy mesasges you he rarely speaks in full sentences, or he decides that he will use his mother tongue turkish to talk to you - i don.t look very turkish and i am not able to speak turkish.

most times i am not shy, so i contacted guys by myself.
no response.

this is not very helpful in internet dating.

i would really love to go out just for a coffee as davespanners suggested, but yet the possibilities are limited very limited or lets say the limit is 0.

so how did you manage to find somebody for coffee and hopefully fun?

reply to post by orange-light


Start over in the next life like Im about to do. Simple to get there just let the gas from the stove leak and go to sleep. peace

The married ones start not to invite you anymore when it comes to bigger parties than just having a coffee with the friend or a small breakfast.
You might take their husbands away.
Surely you like their husbands, they have always been good pales but you never thought and still don’t think of them as love partners.
But you stared to become a potential danger.

If they are worried about you taking their man, they must be somewhat insecure. Having been a single person with married friends before...(not now, but was there).....I can remember this time well. But, it may not be what you think. Is it more that their activities are more in tune with a family that has children? (i.e. you'd probably feel like a fifth wheel at things like a trip to DisneyWorld).... You may want to ask such friends to honestly come forward with why they wouldn't include you. I know you ladies aren't usually into this kind of direct communication, but it will get you more answers than leaving it unsaid.

I would say that if a person were to be as open, honest and realistic as the content of the OP, then it won't be too long before someone comes along who cherishes those qualities. In a world full of superficial everything, authenticity shines like a beacon to like minded souls.

reply to post by Gazrok



i guess some girls are very insecure since they might be scared by the situation.
my ex and me seemed to be a couple not meant to be divorced
if it could happen to us, it might could happen to them too.

last year a female friend invited me for her birthday and i told her honestly how happy i was about the invitation.
she told me frankly: today it was ok, but usually we just do couple stuff.

i don.t think that i would have the feeling being 5th wheel - they have a bad feeling.
i bring a kid as well for disney land :p

and my ex was a not outgoing guy
when being married i have been invited and taking part without the hubby
now single - same person coming along - no invitation :p

yeah i am just building up a new circle

reply to post by kosmicjack



thanks my friend

the problem is we are living in a superficial world - unfortunately
most times it is very difficult to find out what.s real and what.s show

and most people are so full, that they don.t really bother.

all we can do is to give our best every day and never lose hope
which is not easy sometimes

reply to post by fonenyc


this is def. not what i am going to do.
to me life - every life - is to precious and i want to live it at full

so next life when it is time for next life
but i guess next life has to wait for me about 50 years something

If your trying to expand your social circle (and in the process increase your chance of meeting a man) then doing some kind of adult education course is usually pretty good, with the added bonus that the people you meet will be interested in the same things as you. You can fit evening classes around a job

I know one girl that took a course for learning Brick Laying specifically because she was the only woman in the class She didn't last very long though as she was extremely petite and couldn't really move bricks around.

I understand how uncomfortable it can be if people are looking at you as if you want to steal their partners. I once lived with a girl in Austria, and most of her friends were married, some of the guys in the group would be openly hostile towards me.. I found out at least some of the hostility was justified though as one of the married girls tried to French kiss me at a New Years eve party while we were waltzing

reply to post by orange-light

So the question is:
How to find love again if life is not that perfect anymore?

The way to find love again is to be open to it.

The answer is both simple and stunningly difficult.

Originally posted by Whimsical


The way to find love again is to be open to it.

The answer is both simple and stunningly difficult.

i see it
but i could sit around like a 5yo and keep asking: "how do i know that i am open to it?"
and
"how do the other.s know that i am open to it?"

stunning difficult as you said.

after 4 years of seperation i like to believe that i am open for a new love but than again there is a certain fear resulting from experience of a crashed love:
am i good enough to be loved?
am i able to stand closeness and intimacy - again?

the desire of having somebody and the fear of having somebody.
strange isn.t it?

you have your desires and you have your edges in life.
you don.t adapt so easily as you did being 20.
you have settled in life and sometimes you don.t know if there is space for another person even if you long for this other person ………

reply to post by davespanners


i started to expand my social circle since the original circle has shrinked after the seperation.
it hurts so much being lonely all the time

anyway good point with the evening classes.
i used to attend sewing classes - since this is what interests me - but only women and only in the morning
so i am sewing on my own at home.

with regular evening classes we have another problem - the single child.
by the moment my son is a bit scared staying at home alone in the evening.
– how do you deal with that problem? –

my mom lives 400 miles away from me and i just can.t afford a babysitter.

but i know that in this regard time is my friend.
son gets older, son matures more or less and bingo - out-going-time for mommy appears around the corner

taking brick-laying classes for the purpose of finding a man is awesome.
german adult classes don.t offer brick laying


but i get the point and will search for something in this regard
rather bricks than fabrics


isn.t it crazy, a girl tried to french kiss you but you got the blame are people really that stupid that they can.t differentiate?

From a guys perspective, quite a lot of women have not let go of the hurt from their previous relationship, have probably never been on their own and are under the mistaken impression that it is up to a guy to make them happy... They bring all the poison from the past to the presant, punishing her new guy for what her past guy did, so she ends up single again feeling even more hurt and frustrated!

The same can be said for some guys too, but not to the same extent..

My advice is to not jump from one relationship straight into another and be by yourself for a while. Deal with those past hurt feelings and become the woman who doesnt need to be in a relationship but wants too.. The most attractive woman is the one who does not need a man, but is happy and whole by herself and is not defined by her relationships..

As for those catty friends.. Who needs them? Let them be encompassed by their boring domesticated lives.. You have an opportunity that they dont, you are not held back by anything, so enjoy your freedom and who knows what happens along the way?

reply to post by orange-light


I know that a lot of adult education centers in the UK offer child care but I have no idea if they do In Germany.

It doesn't have to be something as manly as brick laying, you have to be interested in the class after all I did a creative writing / writing for film course that was really interesting and had a good mix of both men and women.

Originally posted by orange-light




“All we can expect are those who never got a woman, the bald, the ones with the huge bellies ……”

I hope you dont take this as harshly as it may sound, but perhaps you should stop placing judgement on others based on superficial crap like this and maybe....just maybe you will meet a decent, quality gent who will be willing to take you seriously.

Originally posted by BlackOps719

Originally posted by orange-light




“All we can expect are those who never got a woman, the bald, the ones with the huge bellies ……”

I hope you dont take this as harshly as it may sound, but perhaps you should stop placing judgement on others based on superficial crap like this and maybe....just maybe you will meet a decent, quality gent who will be willing to take you seriously.

edit on 14-9-2010 by BlackOps719 because: (no reason given)

don.t worry blackops nobody was harmed in this process.

anyway the quote was not made by me (which you might have seen), it was a quote from some female friends who are close to give up hope.
it was not based on superficial crap, they just experienced it like that.
i also think this is just a synonym for their desperate feelings about the matter.
like looking at a cake and not getting a piece.

i don.t think this is true.

and hopefully all lonely hearts - no matter if they are male of female will find a decent partner holding them tight and whom they are able to hold tight.

reply to post by orange-light


How do you find love?

If you go looking for it, you will not find what you are looking for.

There are a lot of nice looking people out there. But not everyone is as nice as they look.

True love finds both of you when you least expect it.