please read the whole thing.

i dont know where this goes, if it doesnt belong anywhere delete it.

but it would be greatly appreciated if i could get some insight on this.

ive always had self esteem issues. and as i get older they have just gotten worse. im a 20 year old female, and when i look at myself in the mirror...i see an emaciated little boy.

i dont have an eating disorder, i dont cut myself, but i always feel like im borderline suicidal.

i hate myself to an alarming degree, and i mean alarming. it causes physical pain thats similar to severe heartburn.

i had a dream of a therapist asking me, "if your heart were a room that you could walk into, what would you see?"

and i responded..."me laying in a puddle of my own blood with a self inflicted shotgun wound to the face...

...

with my toe still lodged in the trigger-hold."

im putting myself out there because i need to know, is this self hatred already killing me?

am i getting eaten alive?



~Mutt

Well I am sorry to hear that.

I appreciate you coming to ATS for help. We have many great minds here who would love to help you. I am one of them.

First of all, Welcome to ATS! I'm glad you found the site!

Now onto the matter at hand...

I have gone through points in my life where I was severely depressed.
It happens. Realize that it does not have to be endless misery.

One of the first things I like to tell people in this situation is:

Do you have a special object from a friend or relative that makes you remember good times? If you do, hold that item close to your heart and let the love soak in. You are not alone. We are all in this together.

Never give up, and once again, welcome to ATS! We are like a big family here.

Good vibes to you,
-SES

The answer to your question is, No, self hatred is not killing you. It is a lot of things; painful, difficult, frightening, overpowering, frustrating. But it is not killing you. It is, however, poisoning your life and keeping you from being able to look at the mirror and see what's truly there. A feeling and worthwhile human being.

I know what it's like to suffer with emotional issues. I wrestle with demons of my own on a daily basis and have done so for a quarter of a century. So please understand and accept that I am not speaking off hand. I am somebody who has felt as lost as you do right now and am somebody with advice that is heartfelt and proven.

You cannot find your way past this on your own. You have to speak with somebody who has experience in these matters and who has the tools to help you. If you don't have access to medical care, or specifically to counselling, most communities have sliding scale services which can cost little to nothing to participate in.

If you are afraid of seeking these things out, U2U me and I will gladly help you locate whatever resources there might be in your community.

What you are feeling is not the totality of your world. It's not all that life has to offer. Please understand that it isn't rational to seek permanent solutions to temporary problems. There just isn't anything worth feeling that bad over. All things can be made better and all it takes it having the courage to make a first step.

In posting this you've made that first step. Now all that's left is to keep moving.

reply to post by muttish


Welcome to ATS muttish,

All I can offer is my sympathy. No help or advise here....

But from the sound of it, ATS really isn't the best of places to go looking for advise when you are this close to walking on the edge. Every person replying to this thread with advise should really question them selfs if they are in a position to even give advise.

No professional mental counselor would give advise based on this short story. There is a world of hurt behind the whole story that you might not even be aware of.

Please seek professional help and do not rely on information gathered through a website!!!

If you need somebody to listen, we are always here. But please be selective about whose advise you take!!

Peace

[edit on 8-9-2010 by operation mindcrime]

I beg you to go and see a doctor and get some advice about this.

I live with depression and crippling social anxiety for decades of my life and wouldn't ever get any help or even admit to myself that I had a problem, I would barely ever leave the house, I couldn't even pick up a telephone at some points.

You realize that something is wrong which is a really positive step! Now you just have to get some help, you can't deal with it on your own.

Part of having an illness like depression is thinking that your depression is somehow different and that no one is ever going to be able to help you, but you will find out if you start to talk to others about it that it is very very common and lots of people have gone through the same thing.

For years I refused to take any kind of medication and just suffered, then one day I woke up and just though "I'm really sick of being like this" went to a doctor and they prescribed me Citalopram / Celexa and my life has just got better and better ever since, my social anxiety and depression have completely gone and I am able to deal with life in a way that I never thought possible.



[edit on 8-9-2010 by davespanners]

I wish I had some advice for you... But I don't, and even if I did, you'd be well advised not to listen to me.

You need help that few of us here are qualified to give. Please, if things are really this bad, seek it. It's there waiting for you.

How dare you even think of taking your life when so many of us are close to losing ours.

Suicide is very selfish and can damage many people around you for the rest of their lives.

How do I know? I am a victim of a husband that killed himself.

That was over 30 years ago and it is still with me today.

Get your mind off yourself and think or others and go see a doctor.

I can not muster any sympathy for you. It is crime against all humanity and especially anyone that cares about you to think about taking your life.

Get help NOW.

Welcome to ATS - I hope in some way you can find comfort here. I have no advice for you except to see a Doctor - I have suffered with depression and anxiety all of my life - please seek help.

Peace

Dear OP,

I agree that a website such as this is not the best place for advice. Just look at the crap dizziedame is shoveling.

If you have insurance make an appointment TODAY!

Georgia is not well known for great services but try to find a community mental health office

Here in my state there are certain times of day that a person can self refer to the crisis intervention program. If you are under 200% of poverty the services are provided without charge for 6 months at a time.

YOU ARE YOUNG NOW! PLEASE DON'T WASTE DECADES OF YOUR LIFE IN
MISERY! BEAT DOWN DOORS IF NEED BE TO GET SOME HELP!

Hey you! Dizziedame STFU! Didn't mommy ever tell you "If You Don't Have Any Thing Nice, Intelligent, Useful, Helpful, Insightful or Kind to Say Your An Ass to Say Anything". Maybe get your angry, bitter, nasty self to the doctor and learn to get on with your life and leave sad and broken young ppl alone.

magpie

What do you want us to do? Say some good things about you so you don't hate your self as much? Why do you care about physical appearances so much anyway, what's the big deal exactly? You look in the mirror and aren't pleased with what you see, so that's a reason to go and kill your self? Please, I don't even have time to feel sorry for you.

reply to post by muttish

you know I've had this feeling ever since I can remember my earliest childhood memories and birthday parties. I eventually learned how to put on a phasad as most people dont like when someone portrays that aspect in public.

But after studying philosophy, religion, and spirituality I have finally found out what this condition is (oh and the therapists and pyschologists won't know either except to give drugs) which is fine if in your case its real bad.

But I found it to be the overall heaviness of existence on earth. You see we pre-existed as souls as just naked awareness and when we come here to be born this body and this existence is just an extreme heaviness with a feeling that there is something incredibly wrong about all of this reality, the wars, the murders, rapes, children starving in third world countries everyone, well most folks against each other in divisions.

I have met at least 2 dozen or so folks who have admitted they too have been like this been were to afraid to admit it, whereas my I just dont give a rats arse and I'm pretty bold talking about mostly taboo subjects.

But what I found is that through meditation and through fighting with these feelings and examining where they come from, journals, etc I was able to at least equalize all of it so that it isn't as bad as it was when I was 5-18 ...and it is all but gone so far.

Also I have discovered by meditating and looking within myself that there is a state, a point of view, an awareness inside of you that is untouched by these feelings, these emotions, lack of self esteem and so forth. The more you realize that this naked awareness is you, the more you distance yourself from the chatterring monkey that is the mind which always comes up with all these crappy scenarios.

Its a long ride and quite a battle but well worth it, Let me know if you want to hear more and know that you are loved. I would drop whatever I was doing in a heart beat to be at your side, give you hugs, and just listen and be a friend.

Oops! Sorry it was dizziedame hailing from Georgia. Also I am sorry to have gone off in such a manner to someone (dizziedame) that is also in pain, but I have heard such comments many times about many ppl in my life and it's always upsetting.

magpie

I've struggled with suicide and depression in the past. My advice is

stay away from medication, alcohol and other substances.

stop listening to music and watching tv and be careful what you read in books or internet.

stop comparing yourself to others. replace self pity for gratefulness.

God bless you, here's a guy to inspire you.








sorry, tried embedding the video, not working correctly
[edit on 8-9-2010 by iamnot]

[edit on 8-9-2010 by iamnot]

As some others have said, you should speak to somebody about this.

Your doctor or a counsellor, depending on where you live there should, hopefully be some free counselling sessions available to you. It might be better to speak to a professional than a friend (although both are good), but a professional will be much more impartial and is trained to help with these things.

I've had my issues, I think everyone does - sometimes worse, sometimes better. Aside from talking to someone, I have found that making sure you get up and out plus doing some exercise are good ways to focus and will make you feel physically better.

reply to post by muttish

I would never presume to try to tell anyone how to 'fix' themselves. I just don't have the tools.

What I can address though is your description of yourself.

For whatever reasons (that need to be examined) your physical appearance matters to you - as it does to all of us of course.

So, for now you can work on that. Your physical appearance.

If you can afford it, join a gym. Work out. Learn to sculpt your body into a form pleasing to you.

If you can't join a gym find a high-school that gives after school aerobics, or a church group or a youth group or women's outreach. Somebody out there has to have a free aerobic or weight training course.

Now this might not cure everything that ails you but I can tell you one thing I KNOW is for real.

A lot of good hard exercise gives you a GREAT outlook on life.
You eat better.
You sleep better.
You feel good at the end of the day, like you've accomplished something.
It gets you AWAY from the television and negativity.
You're around people instead of being shut up alone.

Ok, so I could go on, but I think you get the idea...

And really, when you start looking better, you'll start feeling better and from there, if nothing else, you'll have the courage and the strength and the outlook to fix some of what's wrong on the inside to.

peace

You're welcome to U2U me anytime.
I might not know what to say or how to help but I have big ears.

I don't know you, obviously, so I have no idea how worthless you really are. You may be a terrible person that would be better off dead, though it should be your liberty alone to decide on that. With that being said, you might be a wonderful person stuck in a rut. If you were a little bit older, I'd be more inclined to trust your word on your own self-worth but the tender age of 20 years isn't nearly long enough to know yourself and your potential. 20 can be a difficult age, as you still have not yet figured out your purpose in life, though you think you have. So, even if you are worthless now (I'm not saying you are), you still really haven't even started your life yet so your allowed to be worthless.

I know this will sound kind of cliche but you need something to be proud of. You need to define who you are and what you are about. I know you probably think that definition was already pinned but trust me, it's not. It's just a phase that we all go through at least until we are 25-30. Some of shed the phases earlier than others, though that has little consequence to over-all worth.

If you look around and you and you don't like what you are seeing, then change it. I know that's easier said than done but striving to achive that change, no matter how large or small, is what will give your life purpose and self esteem a boost. You won't figure this out until much later in life, but it isn't reaching the goal that will matter, it is the process of striving for it that will ultimately tickle your pickle. It isn't the new pair of shoes that will define who you are, it is the process of trying them on and peering into the slanted mirror.

The point here, is that you are only 20 with a whole life ahead of you. A life that is not supposed to be defined yet. Your outlook now will not be the same in another 10 years, regardless of whether you fail at life or not. Figuratively speaking, if I were you, I would start trying on shoes and remember it matters not if you pick the wrong pair.

With all of that being said, I wouldn't take anything I say at value because put quite simply, you don't know be and more importantly, I don't know you.

--airspoon

You are the same age of my eldest child .

Chill out and remember this , the life is only a ride .

There will be ups and there will be downs too .

Life is really what one makes of it.

Welcome to Earth, I know it can be hard when you first awaken as a New Soul. Childhood goes too quickly when you are left to your own devices.

I half imagine that you were left to make your own decisions because most people just assumed that you wanted to be in control.

It was fun to be in control as a child but being in control as an adult is frustrating and not fun at all. The transition can be riddled with doubt.

Right now I think that you have a great opportunity to see a "Potential" for a better world and "Potentials" in others, but when you look at yourself you see the reverse. You seem to be focused on the uglier aspects of your own being and missing out on the potentials outside of yourself. Either that or you also see the outside world as ugly and worthless; I should hope there is some beauty out there for you to witness.

This year, when you turned 20, on August 1, you entered the Personal Year of the #3. This means Creativity, Beauty, and it is an artist energy that "recycles". So nothing brand new this year! It means that you will begin to see the Beauty in the "old and broken", you only need to open up to it. The #3 is there as a tool for "investments", that means that you invest in something and it blossoms into something better than it was. You see the "potential" for something better and that makes it "become". In art it is a perspective, and in action with art it is called Manifesting!

You are a New Soul, as to why you would appear here at this late hour is sort of odd to me, but you do have a gift of "playfulness" and laughter that you fail to tell others. You may be a Young Soul here to teach the Old Souls how to laugh again! How to have fun and to stop taking life so seriously.

I am only guessing, because you are hiding that part of yourself because someone told you to "grow up" and someone told you how a normal person should appear and act, which is counter to who you really are. You can lead but not through a world of seriousness and despair. You have to lighten the room!

I think you will find a good foundation to stand on over this next coming year, even if it seems you are standing on rubble right now, just begin to see all the broken people and broken things as Beautiful! There is beauty to a crumbled wall!

Think of or meditate on your future self.

Try to imagine a depressed 35 - 40 year old pleading with the higher power to send them back to the age of 20, so they can wipe it all away and start fresh! Now realize that you've already been given this gift of a young age where it's the perfect time to make lasting changes in every aspect of your life AS YOU SEE FIT!!! Whether it's pursuing a degree, artistic endeavors or just making better choices.

I know the choices haven't been made but consider the depression a warning to yourself to choose your path carefully. Be your inner child and don't worry about fitting in just yet! When the 30's roll around you'll be meeting a lot of people that are resetting their paths at the last minute and facing the truth of their inner selves. Don't follow the rushing current of milestones of life, such as rushing off to get married, locking into a meaningless relationship or job. Now is the time to realize that you are in a vehicle with a full load of fuel, able to go anywhere and experience anything with no foreseeable deadlines!

Take this opportunity to thank the higher power for the granted wish!

As for suicide, please read the following link FULLY. It is an amazing resource for those "about to do it". Seriously read it and consider it fully, like I have your post. www.metanoia.org...

reply to post by silo13


All of your suggestion on diet / exercise etc are very valid, they do help alleviate depression, the problem is though that when you are in the lowest pits of despair that depression can cause then making any change in your life at all just seems impossibly hard, just getting out of bed can be difficult, everyday tasks become huge obstacles.
People can overcome it by themselves, but if you have anyway of getting a professional to help you the you should.

To the people saying "avoid medication" I really don't get this attitude, if you cut yourself you put antiseptic on it, if you have a cough you take cough medicine. Depression certainly can be caused by being in a bad situation in your life, but it is also linked to chemical changes in the brain. All that SSRI type anti depressants do is stop the natural serotonin that your brain already produces being taken up again so quickly.

Please take a look around thisweb site, it's a uk site but it might have some info that help

Clinical depression is the term used for a diagnosed depressive illness. It is a medical condition that has been correlated with chemical changes in the brain. Although it does affect how a person thinks, it is not all 'in their head,' as is often mistakenly believed